bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 i keep living in the past. everything reminds me of him and us and the life i used to have. it sounds crazy but i keep having flashbacks of my life with him. it makes me want to cry just writing this. i keep living every single day with a burden on my back. i keep thinking that although he told me STRAIGHT UP this is what he wants... to be broken up.. that he will realize his mistake and come back, i don't know what my problem is. one moment i am ok, one moment i feel negative because of the way he was towards the end.. and another moment i keep checking my phone to see if he has called. it has been 11 weeks since we broke up and almost two weeks of NC (i texted him for his birthday but that was it..) please help me.
loveunlimited Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 carry a pad around with you.The first week, every time you find yourself thinking of him, mark a I. evvery 5, strike them like this, IIII until your pages are covered with IIII At the end of every day, total them up. When 7 days are up, count them all up, which tells you how many times a day you waste so much time thinking about him. That's week one. Week two, do the same, but once you have written down the I (or strikethrough) make yourself deliberately think of something completely different, like counting the bricks of a wall, or guessing how many footsteps it is from where you are to where you are going. Plan ahead, and decide what you are going to do later that day or tomorrow. Compare the totals at the end of the week. believe it or not, they should be fewer. Emotional advice is all very well, but sometimes a practical solution helps more. Have a look at my signature too, and stop being a voluntary victim to the memory of someone absent. 2
geegirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 i keep living in the past. everything reminds me of him and us and the life i used to have. it sounds crazy but i keep having flashbacks of my life with him. it makes me want to cry just writing this. i keep living every single day with a burden on my back. i keep thinking that although he told me STRAIGHT UP this is what he wants... to be broken up.. that he will realize his mistake and come back, i don't know what my problem is. one moment i am ok, one moment i feel negative because of the way he was towards the end.. and another moment i keep checking my phone to see if he has called. it has been 11 weeks since we broke up and almost two weeks of NC (i texted him for his birthday but that was it..) please help me. It's only been 2 weeks NC, Blue. So, stop beating yourself up. Everytime you do this, you defeat yourself even further. It's normal to relive the past. It's normal to hope even when there is no hope. It's normal to feel those rollercoaster emotions. All normal. It hasn't been long since you implemented NC. But... Dwelling is your problem. You're idealizing and romanticizing your relationship and your ex. When you dwell, you feed those negative emotions and they grow like weeds. You've programmed your brain to go left and everytime you dwell, it keeps going left. Time to shift. Take a different route. Everytime you find yourself DWELLING, shift your thoughts to something else. Stop your brain. Rationalize the reality of your relationship and ex and stop dwelling on the fantasy of it. Everytime your brain wanders, pick up a book, go for a walk, listen to some music, do some chores, call a friend, go and exercise, write in your journal, watch a comedy, do something other than sit around and dwell. Healing can't come if you just sit and NC. Time won't help you if you don't use it wisely. You have to help yourself fill that void. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 thank you so much for your words, geegirl. i will keep that in mind for sure. these are things that are so obvious yet in this state of mind i have become oblivious to it. we went 4 weeks of NC and i broke it to go and get my things back. then i had to start NC all over again. it has been so difficult. right when i reach a point where i think i am finally at the PEAK where i am ok, i think of him and it comes crashing down.
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 carry a pad around with you.The first week, every time you find yourself thinking of him, mark a I. evvery 5, strike them like this, IIII until your pages are covered with IIII At the end of every day, total them up. When 7 days are up, count them all up, which tells you how many times a day you waste so much time thinking about him. That's week one. Week two, do the same, but once you have written down the I (or strikethrough) make yourself deliberately think of something completely different, like counting the bricks of a wall, or guessing how many footsteps it is from where you are to where you are going. Plan ahead, and decide what you are going to do later that day or tomorrow. Compare the totals at the end of the week. believe it or not, they should be fewer. Emotional advice is all very well, but sometimes a practical solution helps more. Have a look at my signature too, and stop being a voluntary victim to the memory of someone absent. thank you so much, your signature says wonders.
TopCat22 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 You don't have a problem. All this does is show what a great capacity for love you have. To me that's a great quality. It reminds me of the video to the Roger Sanchez tune, Another Chance. Don't feel bad about being a loving, caring person, it's who you are and you should be proud. You will get through this. We're all going through the same thing and we're all surviving and soon we'll get out the other side and be happy again. You can count on it. 2
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 that's exactly how it is. i can't wait for the day to get over this. or for the day to see if it was meant to be or not. if this will be like those stories i have heard, in the future we see each other again and it works out.
TopCat22 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I know how you feel. Deep down I want my ex back so much and I'm not being smart by hanging on to hope. However as each day passes I'm questioning more and more why I want someone back that could treat me that way. It's so cliche, but time is a healer. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 I know how you feel. Deep down I want my ex back so much and I'm not being smart by hanging on to hope. However as each day passes I'm questioning more and more why I want someone back that could treat me that way. It's so cliche, but time is a healer. it's crazy how the heart takes over the mind (simple logic). we know they DON'T want to be with us because if they did, they would be! but hope is awful. it is what is holding us back. i know that NC and time are the best things, because it will heal us for sure... and it will be a win/win (scenerio 1: get over the person. move on, find someone else. do new things. awesome!) or (scenario 2: they realize and come back..or u realize they were never meant to be and you feel awesome without them)
geegirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 thank you so much for your words, geegirl. i will keep that in mind for sure. these are things that are so obvious yet in this state of mind i have become oblivious to it. we went 4 weeks of NC and i broke it to go and get my things back. then i had to start NC all over again. it has been so difficult. right when i reach a point where i think i am finally at the PEAK where i am ok, i think of him and it comes crashing down. I completely understand. It's easier to just give in to your emotions. There were days where I just let it take over as well but you must force yourself. There is no other way. Sometimes breaking NC is a good thing. It helps you at some point realize what a gift it is. You begin to appreciate that the pain of NC is much more tolerable than the pain of breaking contact. Those emotions will come in waves. I remember my journey. This is a man I found having sex with another woman. I remember one minute I would go, "I thank god I dodged this bullet." Then the next, "Waaaaaah, why can't we be together." Then the next, "I want to move on and I'm so over him. I'm not even sad anymore." Two seconds later, "Waaaaah, I miss him." Then seconds later, "Maybe he will come back." Frying pan over the head. He cheated!! The heart will play tricks on you. The thing is, as time goes by, these ups and down will start to become few and far between as you start to fill that void. But that also depends on what you do with that time. You slowly start to break that attachment and with that you slowly begin building your life around what makes you happy rather your dependency on him having to have made your life happy. It's going to take time, Blue. 1
loveunlimited Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I have to argue that TopCat22, mate, sorry. Time helps but the person has to make the decision that it's time to drop the crap and move on. it doesn't matter how long that takes but there comes a point when you realise that clinging is just like quicksand. The movies always depict quicksand as being dangerous, and yeah, if you struggle and resist it sucks you under; the way to get out of quicksand is to stop struggling and just float. relax, release and let go. Be good to yourself, because the more you are loaded with baggage the quicker you sink.
TopCat22 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 That is true Unlimited, but you can never get to a place where you can make that decision without some time. It's a gradual process for most I think and as the days go by you drop a little bit more of that baggage until it's so light that you have the strength to throw it off completely.
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 anyone have a magic spell to remove all traces of an ex in the heart and mind?
geegirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 anyone have a magic spell to remove all traces of an ex in the heart and mind? Sorry, Blue. If we did, we wouldn't need this forum. 1
LostOne1 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 anyone have a magic spell to remove all traces of an ex in the heart and mind? I wish we could take a pill and forget it all. I saw a new tv show, where a couple crash and lose their previous memory of everything. The girls mother hates the guy and never wanted her daughter to get married. And since she lost her memory of being married, well the two families took their kids and took down all proof of their marriage. 1 year later they lived thinking they were single and crash into each other.. but still don't recognize each other. Yet before they used to love each other a lot, and heck they fought quite a bit too.
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 I wish we could take a pill and forget it all. I saw a new tv show, where a couple crash and lose their previous memory of everything. The girls mother hates the guy and never wanted her daughter to get married. And since she lost her memory of being married, well the two families took their kids and took down all proof of their marriage. 1 year later they lived thinking they were single and crash into each other.. but still don't recognize each other. Yet before they used to love each other a lot, and heck they fought quite a bit too. thats sad : ( wish life was easier than this pain. no contact is great and everything.. but it sucks to know the other person has no intentions of wanting for it to work.
LostOne1 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 thats sad : ( wish life was easier than this pain. no contact is great and everything.. but it sucks to know the other person has no intentions of wanting for it to work. well.. it's tough till you find someone else later on when you're ready. Then I doubt any of us think of our ex much... when we know someone else loves us like we want to be loved.
Author bluefairy812 Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 i am trying to date right now but it's hard. i keep comparing all these men to my ex. no one gives me that instant spark that he did. i feel like i will never find that again. i know it's just my sadness talking but it really sucks right now.
ashtree-house Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Don't try to date yet if you are not ready.. it's not fair for you or the person you are dating, and you could end up feeling lonelier. I'm one month into my break-up, and miss him terribly, and my thoughts are literally haunted by him. My friends and family are getting to the point where they are sick of hearing about it, so I stopped talking about my ex, but still very sad and lonely inside. They tell me to try and date other people but I absolutely refuse until I'm ready. I read that the easiest (albeit roughest) way to mend a broken heart is going through the pain, not around it. So take your time, one day of the time. Your not alone in this
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