Lovebird Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 The time out has helped. My bf of 15 months and I broke up. I met him one month after I made a final split with my ex husband. I know now it was too soon and we moved too fast. When my bf and I met, there was instant chemistry. I saw him every weekend and during the week and we spoke several time every day. He eventually told me he had been single for 24 years and did not know if he could ever get married again. I was very lonely (i am in my 50's) and scared to be alone after my divorce and guess I always gave too much pressure to move toward living together. We got along in every other way, except he needs a lot more space that I do. The first time we broke up, after 1 year, he came back after a week and told me he wanted to try to move toward living together. Three months later he said he just couldn't do it right now and didn't want to get married again, but he still loved me and couldn't we just go on the way we were. We had a committed relationship in every other way, meeting each other's families and doing all the important things together. He was kind, loving, gentle, supportive and a good friend and lover. We broke up 2 months ago (I did it because I wanted the relationship only on my terms) and we have not spoken for 6 weeks now. I wonder, life is so short and I am older and of course am not going to start a family. Should I just be happy with the wonderful relationship I had. Thanks to the time out, I have at last had a chance to find more interests and friends and now don't feel so desperate for him to move in so I won't be alone. I have just e-mailed him to call me and want to tell him I still love him and want to try things his way. I don't know what he will say, but what do you guys think?
StartingAgain Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 It's hard to be in a committed relationship and live with someone after having been alone for so long. You get used to depending on and answering to only yourself. So I understand his point of view. But I also understand yours. The two of you are approaching this relationship with a completely different set of expectations. Are you right to try it his way? Yeah, it's worth a shot if you love him. I don't know what the long term chances for success are, though. It may be that after the two of you have been together for some time, he will come to appreciate you and what you have done on his behalf and decide that not only does he want to reciprocate, but that he needs to give up in single life and try again.
Author Lovebird Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 I called my bf yesterday and said that I would like to try seeing each other without worrying about living together and getting married. I just wanted to enjoy each other and let what happens happen. I don't know if I can do this forever, especially if there is no commitment ever. I know no one can predict the future, but we do love each other. I am trying not to make my major purpose to change his mind about a commitment, but to just try it with no timetable or outcome demanded. But I know I have to broaden my life and do things with friends and continue finding interests of my own so that he does not become the center of my life. Many people tell me that I should not throw away a good man just because he does not want to get married. He is an introvert due to having an alcoholic father who abandoned the family. Can love survive with two separate residences?
StartingAgain Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 He is an introvert due to having an alcoholic father who abandoned the family. Can love survive with two separate residences? One is born either and introvert or an extrovert and can not change because of life circumstances. Rather, he has a problem with abandonment because he was abandoned as a child. I know how he feels and it is something I learned to battle long ago. It's an uphill struggle and it makes it hard to trust others. But you can overcome it. Of course love can survive with two residences if both accept this. But I suspect that you really want the committment and sharing that is part and parcel to marriage. Cohabitation really isn't the same. I've done both and I know that the cohabitation relationship is completely different from marriage. He's a good man and you are meeting him more than half way. At some point, if he really loves you, he will have to reciprocate and give you what you need. If he doesn't, I suspect that you will one day end the relationship to seek what your heart desires.
Author Lovebird Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 You are so right on target. I know in my heart of hearts that I cannot do this forever. I want him to learn to trust again and hope that he will one day love me enough to marry me. I know I have to give him more time than most men due to the abandonment issue. My heart desires a commitment, and I am willing to give him the space to arrive at that decision on his own. I have only spoken to him once and have not seen him again yet. I am not going to rush this. He wants to take it slow and so do I. I hope our love can overcome his past. I feel anticipation as well as uncertainty. Sometimes you just have to accept people for who and what they are, because only they can change themselves and only if they want to.
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