Sending 'proof'

[seren]

I have read many posts where the OW/OM has asked if they should send copies of emails, text messages, letters etc to 'prove' that not only did the A take place, but that the MP had feelings for them. I get that,, I understand the need to not be painted as crazy or a fling. What I haven't heard of, until a friend told me this morning is of the BS who gathered together a whole heap of 'proof' that the WS was still trying, still saying all the ILY's and then sending them to the OP as a response to having been sent the same from the OP.

 

This was from a friend who had an envelope land on her mat with copies of emails, text messages and photographs. While she knew about the A, she and her WS were trying to reconcile, the OP was having a hard time coming to terms with the end of the A and the BS became the target. hang up phone calls, drive by's, then the post. My friend decided that she would send some of the letters her H had sent while the A was ongoing showing that he was saying how much he loved the BS, their plans for the future etc etc also how he was trying to sort himself out. Also sent were copies of grocery lists or messages that the WS had left with ILY's and little in jokes between them, a few s text messages but she said she had no photos of an intimate nature as she didn't need a photo to remind her what her WS penis looked like as he had only just left their bed and she had plenty of opportunity to get to know it.

 

I hadn't heard of a BS doing this, there were lots of other examples to show that while he was saying one thing to the OP, he was saying much and more of the same to the BS and that it was action that mattered not words. I get that the BS had, had enough and that she thought that it would put an end to the , look how much I meant to him type emails etc. Don't think I could, but I don't know, some 5 years later the OW still chips in now and again, despite a few house moves and police intervention. Any respect or empathy I had for her is now wearing thin.

Have you done this? Would you do this? Is this a good idea?

 

Please note I would not do this, so it isn't really pertaining to my situ, just something I was told and thought, well that's a new approach.

 

 

I have posted here as I don't think it appropriate for a general board where people may be hurting.

[ThatJustHappened]

I think that if the OW continues to 'check in' and nose around in your marriage then yes, you absolutely should send proof that he's still making an effort. If she just disappears, then it's best to leave well enough alone.

 

OWs do get told a lot of lies. They are typically groomed by BHs within an inch of their lives and manipulated in every possible way into falling for him. As much as they're wrong for what they did, they're still hurting and they need sympathy too. Love creates some pretty thick blinders. BWs sometimes ignore the signs that their husbands are having an affair..I think that works in the other direction too. OWs probably ignore signs that the man is lying to them about being unhappy in his marriage.

 

For the record, I am not an OW..never have been, never will be, and I don't agree with it in the slightest. I was cheated on. But having been dumped before, I find myself more able to sympathize with anyone else who's been dumped.

[Decorative]

I did this, sent these things to the OW. Texts and messages that reflected the true state of our relationship. Where he said marrying me was the best decision he ever made, how much he loved me, and how happy I made him.

 

Many of these texts turned out to have been sent to me while he was with her. As in, sitting beside her.

 

She got a totally different picture after that.

[waterwoman]

I can see it might be satisfying but I wouldn't do it unless I felt I had to. I don't like to cause pain if I can help it. In my case it wouldn't matter - she knew he loved me, would never leave me and was 'loyal' <bitter laugh> to me. Didn't stop either of them mind you.

[Summer Breeze]

I wouldn't do it unless it was carried too far by the OW. I completely understand how the OW would want to prove her corner if the MM had lied and then thrown her under the bus. Once the peace has been said (or copied, pasted and printed) back off and leave it alone because it's done. I'm not one to linger on a situation that is done and don't expect anyone else to either. I think if the OW did keep things stirred up and just wouldn't let it go then the BS is fine doing such a thing. I personally would probably go and confront her and get it over with but I can see doing what your friend did.

[beenburned]

Seren,

 

The first OW that my SIL was involved with was approaching 40 and wanting to have kids badly. She was older than my SIL and never been married. She became obsessed with him, doing anything in her power to get him to divorce and marry her.(They had to get a restraing order against her at one point, as she was stalking/harrassing them.)

 

When she called my D and provided proof of the long term affair(4 yrs), my D kicked him out immediately. During their separation, he was doing everything in his power to convince my D he wanted to reconcile. Luckily she knew by this time not to believe a word that came out of his mouth. So she waited and watched.

 

It wasn't over a couple of months that the OW called my D to let her know she had caught him with a new OW. She provided her with contact info and my D called the new OW.

 

She explained the whole story about her separation to new OW, and explained why she needed the truth, as her H was acting like he was in reconciliation mode. The new OW told her the truth, and also provided her with the evidence of how long their affair had been going on.

 

All 3 of them were furious at the huge lies and run around the H was giving to all of them.(after they all compared their stories and evidence)

My D even provided her evidence to them to verify her story/truth.

 

They all got rid of him!! Unfortunately he moved out of town and soon acquired a new GF that knows nothing of his long history of cheating and lying!

[underwater2010]

As a BS I would certianly have more respect for the OW/OM if they were to send all the evidence. Sadly, the MOM was to cowardly to even admit to anything without finding out what my WH has already told me.

[underwater2010]

Sorry I misunderstood. If the OW had continued to persue my WH after the affair had ended, then yes I would have sent the evidence. But in my case she was married, so I would have sent the proof to her husband.

[Radagast]

My ex-wife's husband did this to me, when she and I were seeing each other and they were still married. He sent me all the cards she'd written him, all the letters and notes, saying how much she loved him and he was the only one for her. She told me to ignore them, she wrote them because she had to, because she was frightened of him, because he would become very angry if she did not, because she had to pretend to him so that he would not flip out. She wrote me letters and cards too, but I did not send those to him. I was afraid of what he might do to her, because she was so scared of him. I chose to believe her. In retrospect it was very foolish of me, but as a young kid I simply did not know any better and had never been exposed to people like these before. So I took it all on face value. I believed her when she said he was obsessive and would never let her go, that she was trying to get her things together so she could leave, that she needed to pacify him until then.

 

When she arrived one day asking me to take her in because he had thrown her out after finding letters she'd written (but not sent) to me, I was confused. I had thought he would never let her go, and here she was. So I had to take her in.

[Spark1111]

Hmmm...I certainly never intended to hurt her. In fact, I believed she was a victim of his confusion and lies and much as I was.

 

Had she ever answered my calls, we could have hashed it all out.

 

But in this sitch, where an OW does not stop contacting, I understand why you would send all the pertinent other-side-of-the-story evidence.

 

Hopefully, she will get the hint and back off and leave them alone.

[ComingInHot]

I happen to be in the position where the OW was (must have been less that make her just a mean person) SO hurt & angry after FWH supposedly dumped her that ten months later she outed their A to me via email. Don't get me wrong, I am glad I was informed, however, the anger seemed to be at both my husband AND me!?!?

 

I emailed her right away that I forgave her and thank you for the information then wished her well, goodbye and figured that would be the end of her. I was wrong.

 

She proceeded to intermittently but continuously email me and provide me w/more unrequested information which was not all true along w/jabs at me. I changed my phone number, email address (three times) and we had moved out of state.

 

I could have done what your friend did and would have LOVED to throw it in her face but I think it was better for me to just send the silent message that minimized her to nothing but a pesky little insect that buzzez and irritates until it goes away or a swatter finds it. I gathered from her ongoing attacks at me that she isn't a girl that loses often and is not one to be ignored or left behind.

 

For my stitch, sending her a picture into our marriage would have spurred her to continue forever & never move on and that wouldn't have been healthy for either of us*

 

But for those that decide to do that, GOOD for them! Hopefully it will result in both sides being understood & the FWH seen for who he really was during the time of the A so all parties can move on w/their lives. **

[seren]

TBH, it seemed to me more like the BS was saying yes, I get that this and that was said and texts etc exchanged, but that the same and some was being said to the BS in the supposedly broken, lack lustre marriage. it wouldn't have entered my head to have shared intimate conversations between me and my H with the OW, but in the instance I was talking about, the BS might very well have had the intention to hurt the OW.

 

I am a long way out from D Day but I do remember the early days and the feeling when the anonymous package arrived on my doorstep some months after we had decided to reconcile. despite having all the nuts and bolts of the A from both, the opening and finding what had been exchanged made me feel sick. It felt like it was directed at me and intended to hurt me and all I could think of was why would the OW want to hurt me. My friends and I discussed with the BS in question why she sent the 'proof' of what the WS was saying to her and she just said that she was sick of being thought of as some poor BS who had been living in a loveless marriage as her experience while the A was going on was anything but. It seems that the WS had spun the, no sex, no feelings etc etc and this was so far from what she had experienced she just wanted to say to the OW. here, this is what was really going on, so your 'proof' is as valid as mine (hers).

 

IDK, she hasn't heard from the OW since, I mentioned the OW in my situ as I am amazed at her obsession with me and H, it has been 5 years after all and I wondered if I had done more to challenge her whether she would still be obsessing, TBH it feels more like it is me she is obsessing about than H. I just wondered and thought that had I taken a more confrontational stance instead of trying to empathise with her hurt, whether it was a 'better' tactic.

[canuckprincess]

I did this, sent these things to the OW. Texts and messages that reflected the true state of our relationship. Where he said marrying me was the best decision he ever made, how much he loved me, and how happy I made him.

 

Many of these texts turned out to have been sent to me while he was with her. As in, sitting beside her.

 

She got a totally different picture after that.

 

 

My situation must be different then most out there.

Edited September 25, 2012 by canuckprincess

[mercy]

but she said she had no photos of an intimate nature as she didn't need a photo to remind her what her WS penis looked like as he had only just left their bed and she had plenty of opportunity to get to know it.

 

 

I'm just sitting here eating a plate of fruit and I choked on my pineapple reading this! I'm going to LMAO all night! :p

 

I have no photos of h's penis either! Maybe I'll get one and frame it! :laugh:

 

No, I would never do that. h and I's private moments are just that. Private. Anyway I have nothing to prove.

[2sure]

If after DDay there had been an OW left who still thought he was telling her the truth..out of the goodness of my heart, I would have sent her anything I could to prove him a liar.

 

If I had stayed and reconciled and someone continued to interfere in my life ...while it would be tempting to prove, look..he lied, you weren't special, etc..I don't think I would participate in her fantasy by continuing the conversation to that degree. I'd participate in her life, for sure, but not by sharing anything of mine.

 

But yes, its not an unreasonable thing to do. AND...if BS prefers to get proof as truth from OW...wouldn't OW also want it?

[waterwoman]

My situation must be different then most out there.

 

I guess that is what I have discovered on LS. That just about every situation is different. There may be elements common to all but every situation differs.