Gypsie Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 This guy and I have been seeing each other for two and a half months. I wanted to see if things were going well and make sure he knew that I was not just in this for sex. I tell him that if this is just a friends with benefits things then I don't want to be a part of it. After he mentions he was not looking for commitment. He then goes all weird on me and tells me that we are not on the same page and ends it? I am left feeling spun out. I mean I thought things were going well and he seemed to show me at times that he genuinely cared for me. I just don't understand why asking one little question changes everything. I tried to get him to open up more about things and explain why we were not on the same page. I mean I was not asking for a relationship. I was just trying to get an idea on where this thing was going with us! .
Emilia Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 This guy and I have been seeing each other for two and a half months. I wanted to see if things were going well and make sure he knew that I was not just in this for sex. I tell him that if this is just a friends with benefits things then I don't want to be a part of it. After he mentions he was not looking for commitment. He then goes all weird on me and tells me that we are not on the same page and ends it? I'm confused about your post, he is probably just as confused You told him you wanted a relationship (saying you don't want 'friends for benefits' IS wanting a relationship). He didn't want to muck you about, realised you won't sleep with him casually so he ended it. He is right, you are not on the same page: you want a relationship and he doesn't. Not really sure how much more clear he could have got I am left feeling spun out. I mean I thought things were going well and he seemed to show me at times that he genuinely cared for me. I just don't understand why asking one little question changes everything. I tried to get him to open up more about things and explain why we were not on the same page. I mean I was not asking for a relationship. I was just trying to get an idea on where this thing was going with us! . This is why it's smarter to figure out a guy sooner rather than leave it for 2 and 1/2 months hoping if he persists it means he wants a relationship. Don't really know why you were trying to 'open up more', he clearly doesn't want a relationship with you. Nothing there to open up. Not really sure what you mean by saying you didn't ask for a relationship: not wanting to sleep with someone casually but wanting to date them means wanting a relationship, no? If one person only wants sex (him) and the other wants a relationship (you) then the question is not one little thing.... There was no 'us' 1
oaks Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I mean I was not asking for a relationship. It seems you were telling him you didn't want less than a relationship! If he doesn't want commitment then it sounds like you want different things, so perhaps he is right to end it now.
Author Gypsie Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 The thing that annoys and upsets me is that I told him a month and a half ago that I did not want anything casual and he just said we will see where things go. He should have been more upfront about just wanting sex then. He also went out in public on dates with me and paid for everything. Not just dinner. The movies and bowling as well. Seeing live cover bands at the Pub. We were also hanging out and enjoying each other's company as well as the whole sex thing. I really felt led on. I mean the last time we hung out he was even asking me what my favourite flowers are. Remembered what my favourite chocolates where and brought them around for me. We wonder why I got confused.
Emilia Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I really felt led on. I mean the last time we hung out he was even asking me what my favourite flowers are. Remembered what my favourite chocolates where and brought them around for me. We wonder why I got confused. How old are you if I may ask?
oaks Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 The thing that annoys and upsets me is that I told him a month and a half ago that I did not want anything casual and he just said we will see where things go. He should have been more upfront about just wanting sex then. Why did you continue to do something you didn't want to do for 6 weeks? At the time, perhaps he was genuinely considering whether things would become more than they were, but he didn't promise anything more... merely to see where things went. As it turns out, things went in the direction of you continuing to accept the status quo, so don't forget to take responsibility for your own actions here - you say you didn't want a casual relationship, but then continued to have one. Well done on finally putting your foot down and making him make a decision... and I'm sorry it isn't the one you want... but I'm surprised that you're complaining that he "dumped" you. You basically told him to sh*t or get off the pot, and he got off. Finally, you didn't ask a silly question... but perhaps you could've pressed the point 5 weeks ago. ("Honey, last week I told you I don't want to casually date... Where do you stand on that?" - and then walked if you didn't like the answer.) 3
LDRGuy Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Perhaps being upfront makes him look desperate? Perhaps he wanted to open you up in that 1.5months but you hit his spot by shoving the truth up onto his face. No offence intended. In my opinion, it's better this way. If he was truly committed and into the relationship, he wouldn't have just let you go just like that. You deserve someone better.
Author Gypsie Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) Why did you continue to do something you didn't want to do for 6 weeks? At the time, perhaps he was genuinely considering whether things would become more than they were, but he didn't promise anything more... merely to see where things went. As it turns out, things went in the direction of you continuing to accept the status quo, so don't forget to take responsibility for your own actions here - you say you didn't want a casual relationship, but then continued to have one. Well done on finally putting your foot down and making him make a decision... and I'm sorry it isn't the one you want... but I'm surprised that you're complaining that he "dumped" you. You basically told him to sh*t or get off the pot, and he got off. Finally, you didn't ask a silly question... but perhaps you could've pressed the point 5 weeks ago. ("Honey, last week I told you I don't want to casually date... Where do you stand on that?" - and then walked if you didn't like the answer.) Well he did not say it was casual or a relationship and was being vague so was kind of hoping he would change his mind in the mean time. I thought around the three month mark he would have gotten more of an idea by then if he wanted something more serious or not. Things were going pretty slow but and we were only seeing each other once a week so I could tell something was up regardless of how sweet he was being and had to ask. Just venting because I did actually have genuine feelings for the guy and still don't understand why he would try date me and get to know me in the way that he did. Prefer guys to be more upfront with what they want. Not make you think something is there, when really it isn't. We got along so well as well. Well I thought we did. Not unless he was pretending the whole time. Just to get into my pants. Really hate people who are fake. I am glad though that I did put my foot down. Again. Like I said before. It just felt like it was going to slow for my liking and even though I am feeling hurt, upset and angry right now over it. At least I am not finding this out six months from when we started going out. Did try to get him to open up more about the whole thing but when he did not. Just mentioned to him that I was not bothering anymore and that it was his loss. Edited September 24, 2012 by Gypsie
xxoo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 The thing that annoys and upsets me is that I told him a month and a half ago that I did not want anything casual and he just said we will see where things go. He should have been more upfront about just wanting sex then. Maybe he was genuinely open to seeing if feelings would develop, and in the end, they didn't. 5
Author Gypsie Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) Well. I did ask him why he did not tell me earlier back then and he was just like I did not want to hurt you so basically he said see where it goes to sugar coat things. If I had known that then I would have walked. Half assed answer with that. Not excepting that with guys from now on and know to walk now when they say to question them more on it. Annoyed with myself that I did not. Edited September 24, 2012 by Gypsie 1
Emilia Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 It doesn't usually take me longer than a month to work out whether we are moving forward. I don't mean you have a guarantee after a month either way but if the person isn't pushing for more time with you and you don't feel your connection is stronger, there is probably nothing. As a rule of thumb I don't give it longer than that before assessing whether it's worth investing more time. His buying your favourite chocolate or flower is just good manners, that kind of thing doesn't indicate that he wants a relationship or that he starts falling for you. It is also said time and time again that many men will say what they want. Hoping he 'changes his mind' is futile and ultimately doesn't work in your interest. Dating someone is about seeing whether the two of you are compatible, not trying to convert them into your way of thinking. 3
xxoo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Well. I did ask him why he did not tell me earlier back then and he was just like I did not want to hurt you so basically he said see where it goes to sugar coat things. If I had known that then I would have walked. Half assed answer with that. Not excepting that with guys from now on and know to walk now when they say to question them more on it. Annoyed with myself that I did not. It sounds like he did the right thing breaking it off. The real question is, why did he have to break it off after mentioning that he does not want a commitment? That should have been clear enough for you to break it off.
musemaj11 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 He paid for the time u spent w him. At least u got to go on nice dates for free w a decent man for two months. Appreciate what u got rather than complaining about what u didn't get.
veggirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 The thing that annoys and upsets me is that I told him a month and a half ago that I did not want anything casual and he just said we will see where things go. and that's when you should have walked. "let's see where things go" is like in the "I am never going to committ to you" HANDBOOK. Well. I did ask him why he did not tell me earlier back then and he was just like I did not want to hurt you so basically he said see where it goes to sugar coat things. If I had known that then I would have walked. You know for next time now! Luckily you only wasted 2.5 mos, next time you to know to walk when a guy gives you a stupid line about "just seeing" what happens and all.
CaptJay Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I just don't understand why asking one little question changes everything. I think what is most important here in this discussion is how you look at your question to him. You did nothing wrong by asking the question, but you have to view it for what it is. "Are we more than FWB..." is one of the most significant questions there is, and certainly not "silly." You essentially put a huge fork in the road by not only asking it, but by telling him how you would react if he gave you a specific answer (he didn't want more). The guy, taking your cues, answered the question sincerely and seems to have respected you putting your foot down on what you want from him before giving him a chance to answer. I respect the guy for his honesty, but not for any using he might have been doing during the FWB relationship. cj
DC4 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I have to have "the talk" with the guy I'm dating this week. I've learned a long time ago never to ask a question if you're not ready for an unpleasant answer so therefore I have been putting it off for the past week and a half. A month of dating, very romantic and intimate and last I heard he still dates other women. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be the once a week "girlfriend experience." This sucks because I'm starting to really like him :/ Better to get it over with now before I really get hurt.
CptObvious Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Can't help but give that guy a round of applause. He handled it all perfectly from start to finish. "Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner." OP, you brought the heat to him as soon as you asked that question. There was no way he'd let himself get caught up in that mess.
venusianx13 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 First, it wasn't a silly question. Second, thank goodness he told you NOW, rather than further down the line. Be thankful that you didn't invest any more time and/or emotion into someone who was not on the same page as you. Some men string women along for much, much longer...
Author Gypsie Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) I have to have "the talk" with the guy I'm dating this week. I've learned a long time ago never to ask a question if you're not ready for an unpleasant answer so therefore I have been putting it off for the past week and a half. A month of dating, very romantic and intimate and last I heard he still dates other women. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to be the once a week "girlfriend experience." Yep. I did not wanna hear it if it was nothing good. This guy reckons he was not seeing anyone else while we were seeing each other in my situation. My downfall was exactly that. Also for not walking straight away sooner. Still. Annoyed. He was still dating me and getting to know me during the whole time as well. I know guys that want this type of relationship. They are usually more upfront with it and not so vague about just wanting sex and not bother with the whole dating thing. and that's when you should have walked. "let's see where things go" is like in the "I am never going to commit to you" HANDBOOK. You know for next time now! Luckily you only wasted 2.5 mos, next time you to know to walk when a guy gives you a stupid line about "just seeing" what happens and all. See. I did not know this and thought he meant he wanted to take things slow, take the time out to get to know me and see where things go. Oh yes. Next time if I do get this answer. Will probably question the guy more in his intentions and if it is still not what I want to hear will just have to not be afraid to walk away. I know had a time limit for this and am glad I asked. Even though it still hurts and I am still angry it turned out this way. At least the feeling will be short term. Do still feel like I was led on though. Felt like "seeing where things go" was a way of him sugar coating things for me and would have liked him to be more upfront then that. Oh well. Edited September 24, 2012 by Gypsie
DC4 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I know guys that want this type of relationship. They are usually more upfront with it and not so vague about just wanting sex and not bother with the whole dating thing. This guy confuses the hell out of me because he makes a big production out of making sure I know that it's not about sex and likes to take me out. Every date feels like the first day of our honeymoon and that's what makes me even more upset. Honestly, I could handle show up>sex>leave in 90 minutes. I can't handle this emotional intimacy crap when there are other women. It actually seems a bit psychotic to me. What's the end game??
kaylan Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 and that's when you should have walked. "let's see where things go" is like in the "I am never going to committ to you" HANDBOOK. I disagree. Men and women say that to one another when they are getting to know someone and seeing if they are compatible enough for commitment. Im not going to put my heart into something or commit to someone Im not sure about. We need to date for a little bit and "see where things go". I want to get a good sense of the girls character and history before I become exclusive to her...so it can take a little time if she was a complete stranger at the onset of our dating. This is kinda why I like establishing a friend base first, because I wont have to worry about wasting time before Im ready to commit. I figure if its someone Im already friends with for a little bit, ill know right away, or after a short time, if Ill ever commit to them. 1
xxoo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I disagree. Men and women say that to one another when they are getting to know someone and seeing if they are compatible enough for commitment. Im not going to put my heart into something or commit to someone Im not sure about. We need to date for a little bit and "see where things go". I agree, it is completely reasonable in a new dating situation to "see where things go" before making someone your bf/gf. It is also reasonable to delay sex until you know better where things are going. 2
FitChick Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I must be the odd one out because I don't recall ever having a 'question and answer session' with a guy I was dating. We dated for a while and then became exclusive because we liked each other so much we didn't want to spend time with anyone else. It naturally evolved. That is what dating is like in my world.
todreaminblue Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 This guy and I have been seeing each other for two and a half months. I wanted to see if things were going well and make sure he knew that I was not just in this for sex. I tell him that if this is just a friends with benefits things then I don't want to be a part of it. After he mentions he was not looking for commitment. He then goes all weird on me and tells me that we are not on the same page and ends it? I am left feeling spun out. I mean I thought things were going well and he seemed to show me at times that he genuinely cared for me. I just don't understand why asking one little question changes everything. I tried to get him to open up more about things and explain why we were not on the same page. I mean I was not asking for a relationship. I was just trying to get an idea on where this thing was going with us! . Look at it this way, for just a minute even, you wont waste time with someone who doesn't love you, wasting time, is something that we have precious little of time is, and should be treasured never enough hours in a day or night and they keep moving on those hours....now you can move on to what you deserve to have someone who feels the same way as you who wont use you for sex......be happy it wasn't a silly question it was an excellent question for your own peace of mind....chin up.....look at the sky.....don't you cry......its sun shining to get you through and here is a hug just from me to excellent question asking you.........deb.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 This guy and I have been seeing each other for two and a half months. I wanted to see if things were going well and make sure he knew that I was not just in this for sex. I tell him that if this is just a friends with benefits things then I don't want to be a part of it. After he mentions he was not looking for commitment. He then goes all weird on me and tells me that we are not on the same page and ends it? I am left feeling spun out. I mean I thought things were going well and he seemed to show me at times that he genuinely cared for me. I just don't understand why asking one little question changes everything. I tried to get him to open up more about things and explain why we were not on the same page. I mean I was not asking for a relationship. I was just trying to get an idea on where this thing was going with us! . That was just a classic case of him dumping you before you dumped him. So what if he got the jump on you. Turn your life in a different direction and don't look back.
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