STBD exMMs are frustrating!

[AnotherRound]

Just venting here. Constructive feedback welcome.

 

So, I decided not to do NC with exMM, as I'm not quite sure what I want regarding him, for the future. And that was a decision I made after much thought and feeling and journaling and venting here. I decided to try LC, but that isn't working out really well bc of both of us. He keeps calling, and I keep answering.

 

He's being fantastically understanding and honest with me. He is being as expressive and honest as he has always been with me. We just lay it all out. He has been trying to keep the convos light, and discussing everything but the divorce, bc that was a boundary I am trying to put in place - for both of our emotional health. He is still feeling a lot of guilt, towards his child especially. And that keeps coming up as it is weighing heavily on his heart right now.

 

Anyway, it is really awkward at times, bc it's like we are talking around the elephant in the roomm. We both know it is there, we both have to look around it to see each other, but neither of us is mentioning it, but we both want to. I can feel it, sense it, but I am afraid to bring it up bc I'm afraid it is the wrong thing to do.

 

So, we are having this light conversation, and it is just so unnatural for us. We have always had deep convos, about everything, and our feelings and thoughts. And now, it is like we are both dancing around it, and it just doesn't feel right, for either of us. So, we went there. We discussed us, and my boundaries, and his divorce process, his guilt, the other OW, any future we might have, what we would each want that to look like.

 

And now, I'm really missing him. This is harder than when he was married! Bc then, he was emotionally with me, whereas now, he seems so scattered. He is respecting mywishes and we are not seeing each other. We agreed that nothing can take place at all until his divorce is final, and he has his closure. He feels like he was in his dysfunctional marriage for so long, and now is in an even more dysfunctional divorce. It isn't hateful, but there is still no communication at all, esp re the divorce proceedings. Stbxw continues to pretend as if nothing is happening and is not turning in her paper work or discussing with him. So now he is feeling like he is going to have to force the divorce through himself (he is afraid she would be happy to leave it like this forever) and then he feels guilt about that.

 

It is like this big black cloud hanging over everything. On one hand, I want to just go NC and move on, forget it, not even try anything. Otoh, I love him so much and want so badly to help him, make it feel better. I know his guilt is necessary for his healing, but I also know he is not solely responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. And I want to tell him to let his stbxw carry her own responsibility, but he just isn't there yet. So I said nothing to that, except that I understood his guilt and was sorry he is hurting.

 

I know NC is what many would suggest, but I'm not sure I am "done". I don't feel done. I feel healed and healthy, but not done. And LC might work, but it appears that he annd I are not able to keep the convos light. It just isn't how we relate and interact, hiding our feelings and thoughts. So, I'm not sure what to do here. This is one of those times I really wish life had a FF button, to just be through the muddled mess, on the other side. To be at a place where we can be ourselves without walking on eggshells, trying to do the right thing, the healthiest thing. Just to get to a place where we are clear headed so we can decide IF we even want to try at all.

 

I'm just not sure how to approach him anymore, it's like all these rules have been I

Imposed on us, stifling rules, that block our natural rhythm,our natural connection. It all feels different, stiff, measured, cautious, hesitant... and so not free. I know this could take some time, and I plan to continue on with my life as I was without him this past year and a half. If I fall in love (even if christian SG wanted to be more serious), I will follow that path. When I said that to him tonight (I know, I say everything I feel and think, should have kept it to myself), he was hurt and sad. He knows he can't expect me to wait, and he isn't asking me to or expecting me too. But he is so hopeful that he and I will have a chance, and he doesn't want to miss that chance, but he doesn't want to rush it either, he wants to be in a good place. I didn't say it to rush him, I was just being truthful.

 

Anyway, long enough here, sorry. Just venting. If anyone has any ideas or tips or advice about this, I'm open to it. I am making an effort to set it aside, not churn it over and over, but come bac to it later and get a fresh look at it. Just missing how we used to be, and wondering how it is all going to end up.

[BetrayedH]

This is not meant to be unkind.

 

What I am seeing here is what the relationship looks like when the fantasy affair bubble bursts. It's all well and good when it's a fantasy but once reality starts creeping in, it is ridiculously messy. Now there is a divorce; there will continue to be a child in the mix, an ex-wife, kid's birthdays, ex-wife's new boyfriend and other such messiness. Of course you want to fast-forward to the good part. It ain't gonna happen. The two of you made this bed.

 

FWIW, I think you know that this LC business ain't working for you. You either need to go all in with both feet and figure this mess out together (my personal recommendation as much as it pains me to say so - you personally will never be ok with just walking away) or you go NC because the relationship is over.

 

Pick one.

[MonsterMash]

We want what we can't have. When its just an affair, its naughty, exciting and taboo. But when the time comes for it to (possibly) move into a real relationship, it seems off snd strained. When the excitement of the actual affair goes away, theres really nothing left. When you don't have to hide and sneak anymore, its no longer fun.

 

Same old same old.

[carhill]

If anyone has any ideas or tips or advice about this, I'm open to it. I am making an effort to set it aside, not churn it over and over, but come bac to it later and get a fresh look at it. Just missing how we used to be, and wondering how it is all going to end up.

 

IMO, take each day for what it is and expect the process to last a couple years. To be honest, I processed things (divorce, etc) better once the contact with OW was ended, simply because of being more able to focus on recovery. Your situation perhaps is different, but divorces do take a toll on people and there is a grief process much like a death, even if the M had been strained for some time. Add in children and, hence, my advice to take each day for what it is. Patience.

 

If you find LC to be difficult, then agree to NC and try that for comparison. I'd give each option at least six months of effort before dismissal. Each of you knows how to find the other and apparently has confidence in the other's perspective. A true connection will withstand the test of time and distance. Good luck.

[2sunny]

It's like a tornado...

 

It's still ok as long as it doesn't get close/real.

 

Now his tornado has touched down - the wreckage is hitting him hard - it looks awful nd ugly - he needs to clean up his side of his street... He really wants you to come over so he can pretend there's no wreckage and to clean it up for him... To make his pain go away. Pain is a good motivator to change everything!

 

But - the wreckage is still wreckage - YOU need to give him time alone to process his wreckage... It's his to deal with.

 

Pretending like there's no wreckage to clean up doesn't make it go away!

 

He needs counseling! And it shouldn't be you that he dumps his $hit on.

 

Stop allowing him to use you as his dumping ground! No healthy R comes from that dynamic!

[BetrayedH]

From a survivinginfidelity.com article in their Healing Library...

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

[carhill]

I decided to try LC, but that isn't working out really well bc of both of us. He keeps calling, and I keep answering.

 

Here's a tip: You can set a clear boundary for LC. Example: "I'll be happy to speak with you on the phone once a week and I'd like that to be our only contact right now". Then, do that. Call him or accept his call once a week and ignore all other contact/do not initiate other contact.

 

He's a fully grown man and can easily survive his divorce on his own. People do it all the time.

[frozensprouts]

you can't control what he does, but you can control what you do..if you don't like the way things are, then what can you do to change it?

 

you've allowed him to become dependent on you as shoulder to cry on through his divorce...you've become, in essence, his therapist...perhaps you could try changing that dynamic...would telling him that until he begins therapy ( individual counseling) to help him sort through everything, you don't want to hear from him, and if he does that, when you do communicate, the topic of divorce , other than is as far as how it pertains to your relationship is off limits?

[Got it]

you can't control what he does, but you can control what you do..if you don't like the way things are, then what can you do to change it?

 

you've allowed him to become dependent on you as shoulder to cry on through his divorce...you've become, in essence, his therapist...perhaps you could try changing that dynamic...would telling him that until he begins therapy ( individual counseling) to help him sort through everything, you don't want to hear from him, and if he does that, when you do communicate, the topic of divorce , other than is as far as how it pertains to your relationship is off limits?

 

Definitely agree with this. One person can't be therapist for another in any relationship, it just ends up being codependent. In my case, dMM did have the therapist to talk to as did I. So I could vent to her about my questions, concerns, and frustrations and be able to focus on us when we were together. It also allowed me to figure out what I wanted and needed and not get lost in the divorce drama.

 

I could not solve the divorce for him, he needed to muddle through with it and make the best decisions based on his interest. I could give my opinion but there were times that decisions were not always going to be in best interest or what I needed to hear. I needed him to work it out so he could look back and know that he made every decision he made with the information he had at that time in the best manner that he could and it was not due to my influence or my best interest. This divorce was not about me or us. This was about him and he needed to focus there.

 

It was hard, thank god for the therapist!

[carhill]

OP, to bookend on Frozensprout's posting, when you do have contact, watch for balance. Include/share experiences, frustrations, items of interest and topics from your everyday life and observe his proactive interest in *you*. This balances out the propensity for becoming a 'therapist' (great point ). Should you find his interest inequitable, then disclose that and ignore any emotional rantings which may result.

 

Is this hard to do when you love someone? Yeah, it is. However, it's healthy and equitable and will go miles towards assuaging your frustrations. Try it and see.

[2sunny]

I believe this guy could benefit from therapy - and it shouldn't be you.

[carhill]

OP, you noted in your title STBD, which I presume means 'soon to be divorced'. When we were divorcing, the lawsuit case summary could be viewed by anyone who knew my or my exW's last name on our court's web site. Every filing; every motion. I presume you use STBD because you've seen such information, correct? You have independently verified divorce filings? If previously answered, my apologies, but it is relevant to this thread, especially relevant to frustration. My advice is predicated upon the man in question being actively in the legal divorce process.

[2sunny]

When I went through my divorce - it was a ton of emotional distress - and then it took me years to process MY PART in the breakdown of my M.

 

He has a lot of emotions to process - and learn how he participated that lead tithe place where he is now.

 

IF he doesn't want to acknowledge HIS part in it - And CHANGE HIS BEHAVIOR - then he likely to find himself in a similar dynamic as when HE was married = unhappy and cheating...

 

He has work to do - YOU can't DO that FOR HIM.

 

IF he won't face his fears and change the way HE participates - then he's only asking you to date an unhealthy man.

 

Processing through to a healthier perspective COULD take years.

 

Are you willing to wait that long?

 

I don't suggest staying involved while he goes through the process - for me, it would have only been a distraction to the work only I could do/face. It also wouldn't have been fair to subject another person to MY crap that I needed to work PAST.

[veryhappy]

AR, you know where I am on this. As long as you're playing therapist-client with him, it's the dynamic in your A, and it will enable him to stay stuck. Why don't you want to get off the roller coaster? Why don't you feel that that would be better for you? Feeling him pulling away emotionally from you should be enough to wake up the self preservation reflex in you of getting away. Why not? It's fight or flight, and you're in no position to fight. What are you trying to do?

Edited September 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[William]

Hello from moderation. Due to the number of off-topic threadjack posts deleted and the subject matter being discussed, this is a Stage Three.

 

Here's the key verbiage:

 

Constructive feedback welcome.

 

Just venting. If anyone has any ideas or tips or advice about this, I'm open to it. I am making an effort to set it aside, not churn it over and over, but come back to it later and get a fresh look at it.

 

Posters who have such constructive feedback regarding a married man going through a divorce are welcomed to share it with the thread starter, relevant to that process. Carry on.

[woinlove]

That's really a cute and convenient theory... but um... no.I am laughing so hard at this I can barely type.

Talk about perpetuating a stereotype. If I am correct, you are a former BH, so all you know about this side is what you are spoon fed by others.

Many people have real relationships with their APs. It isn't any more naughty, exciting or taboo than any other relationship.

Being dismissive and trying to make everything fit into a neat little box isn't helpful for anyone, including you.

Some people feel the need to do that, same old, same old..

 

 

Reality can be quite complicated and Monster Mash has a point that goes beyond A that are just for the thrill of it. Both affairs and divorce bring in a complex mix of emotions and can be tumultuous times for anyone.

 

My own situation moved from an affair with MM for a month or so to an out in the open relationship R with now separated man (sMM) for over a year, where toward the end we planned our futures together, his children spent time with us as a couple, we had met each other's relatives, etc. Yet as his divorced finalized, I suddenly saw things in a different light, focussed more on his past and why he had an A, and asked more critically whether this was the man I wanted to tie my life to. I answered no, and ended it as his divorce was finalized. Monster Mash nailed my situation, not because we were in it for the thrill, but because by their very nature, affairs and the mindset that goes along with them, can be a poor indicator for a committed relationship.

 

Going through your sMM's divorce with him can bring up a lot of emotions but it can also bring a time of useful reflection - not about what he is going through, but maybe HOW he is going through it, how you might go through it if you put yourself in his shoes, and how well these two approaches mesh, and what they tell you about shared values, trust, respect, loyalty, honesty, etc.

 

My advice is to not miss the opportunity to shift your focus away from what he is going through and shift it toward both yourself and sMM as a person, how he is handling everything, how he is treating his stbxW and what that says to you. Divorce is a difficult time but each spouse has the opportunity to behave during the process how they choose and that can give you a lot of insight that may not have been gleaned during the A.

 

I've read a sad story on LS where the former OW only gleaned these insights after marrying the former MM and wished she had thought clearer earlier. She had felt too much like she owed MM something, thinking he was divorcing for her. Only a fool divorces for someone else. A mature person divorces for themselves, because they have decided the M needs to end with or without another person waiting in the wings. Don't let any feelings of obligation in this respect weigh you down.

[LaCurieuse]

From a survivinginfidelity.com article in their Healing Library...

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

 

I have seen this website, and with all due respect, it is completely slanted towards reconciliation.

 

"Infidelity? Separation is not the answer!" The reliability of any website that professes this blanket statement should be questioned. It is impossible to determine who or what is behind the website (no info about authors, moderators, etc) and the quote you use would of course feed into any WS' hope to make things right again. I have a hard time having faith in figures that are thrown out there without any source or reference.

 

Beware of Internet!

 

You can always find a source that will back up/validate what you already believe/want to believe.

[AnotherRound]

This is not meant to be unkind.

 

What I am seeing here is what the relationship looks like when the fantasy affair bubble bursts. It's all well and good when it's a fantasy but once reality starts creeping in, it is ridiculously messy. Now there is a divorce; there will continue to be a child in the mix, an ex-wife, kid's birthdays, ex-wife's new boyfriend and other such messiness. Of course you want to fast-forward to the good part. It ain't gonna happen. The two of you made this bed.

 

FWIW, I think you know that this LC business ain't working for you. You either need to go all in with both feet and figure this mess out together (my personal recommendation as much as it pains me to say so - you personally will never be ok with just walking away) or you go NC because the relationship is over.

 

Pick one.

 

I'm thinking that you haven't read the details of my story (and no, they aren't all the same). There was no "affair bubble" and I have been separated from his for over a year and a half. I'm not wanting to fast forward to "the good part"... ???? I'm wanting to fast forward to the part where I KNOW what I want to do - pursue a relationship with him or not after his divorce.

 

As far as walking away - I have done it before, and can do it again if I need/want to. The problem is, I'm not sure what I need/want regarding him, if anything. That's where I am.

[AnotherRound]

We want what we can't have. When its just an affair, its naughty, exciting and taboo. But when the time comes for it to (possibly) move into a real relationship, it seems off snd strained. When the excitement of the actual affair goes away, theres really nothing left. When you don't have to hide and sneak anymore, its no longer fun.

 

Same old same old.

 

I don't want what I can't have, I CAN have him - if I want him. It was never wanting what I can't have, and we were in an open marriage sort of situation. It was ALWAYS a real relationship, far more real than his marriage, hence the reason he was dating outside of his marriage.

 

It seems off and strained now bc we are putting restraints on ourselves, not bc it is now real (what an odd thing for you to say). It seems off and strained bc we are both dealing with our own stuff, and are trying (for healthy reasons) to not get too deep - which is not our natural connection. We have always had a deep emotional connection, and denying that and trying to keep convos light is what is making it strained.

 

We never hid and never had to sneak, so that isn't relevant in this situation. We didn't send itineraries to the stbxw, but we were never a secret - so that doesn't make any sense.

 

And I'm not really sure why you commented here, but thanks.

[AnotherRound]

IMO, take each day for what it is and expect the process to last a couple years. To be honest, I processed things (divorce, etc) better once the contact with OW was ended, simply because of being more able to focus on recovery. Your situation perhaps is different, but divorces do take a toll on people and there is a grief process much like a death, even if the M had been strained for some time. Add in children and, hence, my advice to take each day for what it is. Patience.

 

If you find LC to be difficult, then agree to NC and try that for comparison. I'd give each option at least six months of effort before dismissal. Each of you knows how to find the other and apparently has confidence in the other's perspective. A true connection will withstand the test of time and distance. Good luck.

 

Thanks. I stopped being his OW over a year and a half ago. He contacted me recently, is nearing the end of his divorce, and asked me if I would consider trying to have a relationship with him now (as one of the main reasons I walked away before was that it was an affair). I am trying to decide what I want to do, and one day at a time is about the only way I'm probably going to be able figure it out.

 

Yes, I have been through a divorce myself (no children thankfully) and it was emotional. Even though I had been done with the marriage for quite some time, it was not easy to admit defeat. I know he is grieving, especially for the loss of daily access to his child - that one is killing him. And he is feeling terrible guilt towards his child, as if he failed as a father bc of the divorce.

 

I'm trying to be patient, but the problem is, I'm not even sure what I want. I don't know if I want to try to have a relationship with him after his divorce is final. On one hand I do, otoh, I don't. And I'm just trying to sort out my feelings and thoughts (I have created some emotional distance from him over the past year and half). And now being in contact with him again, during the end of the divorce, is just - confusing. He is not trying to reconcile any longer, and they never did start a reconciliation bc the stbxw refused to communicate with him regarding it, or the marriage, at all (see other posts for hx on that one). So, he is ready now to get the divorce finalized and to take his life off hold (as he said).

 

So, just feeling some pressure to decide, and really wanting to make a good decision. He isn't pressuring me, and states he is willing to give me as much time as I need, and he is attempting to take time for himself too so that he can offer me him at his best again. So, just trying to sort it all out.

 

Thanks again...

[AnotherRound]

It's like a tornado...

 

It's still ok as long as it doesn't get close/real.

 

Now his tornado has touched down - the wreckage is hitting him hard - it looks awful nd ugly - he needs to clean up his side of his street... He really wants you to come over so he can pretend there's no wreckage and to clean it up for him... To make his pain go away. Pain is a good motivator to change everything!

 

But - the wreckage is still wreckage - YOU need to give him time alone to process his wreckage... It's his to deal with.

 

Pretending like there's no wreckage to clean up doesn't make it go away!

 

He needs counseling! And it shouldn't be you that he dumps his $hit on.

 

Stop allowing him to use you as his dumping ground! No healthy R comes from that dynamic!

 

He is in counseling, has been for the past 8 months. He's not "dumping" on me, in fact, I'm the one that took the convo into us. He was trying to keep it lighter. I do think that he leans on me for support, and that has always been important in our relationship. The conversation we had recently was not "dumping", it was he and I discussing us. Defining what each of us wants and needs, and our boundaries. Especially my boundaries, and what I expect, and he is respecting them. He called about the project we had talked about, was going to ask me some questions about it on the phone. That went fine, and then I turned the convo towards us.

 

I guess I'm trying to get as much information as possible, bc I really want to make the right decision about this. I want to make a decision based on his behaviors, his responses, his concerns, his feelings, his thoughts - these are all important for me to know so that I can make a good decision. So, that's what I was getting from him, information about HIM. It wasn't so much about the marriage/divorce, just his feelings about the divorce, as that is obviously a big thing going on his life right now.

 

I do appreciate your feedback, and I had agreed to not let him dump on me anymore, and he hasn't. He answers my questions, and shares his thoughts - but we are both guarded bc we are both trying to keep it from turning into that dumping thing, and from turning into a full on EA again, as we are both thinking we need to wait until after the divorce. So, that holding back is what feels so strange - but I know it's necessary, especially right now.

 

So, this is more about my confusion, and mixed emotions, I guess.

 

I agree, he needs to clean up his own mess, and I think I'm doing okay at allowing that instead of helping him or doing it for him. I'm doing better than I was, at least that. And, I think this rant was bc I just felt so ... emotional after the conversation, and couldn't sort it all out.

 

Thanks...

[AnotherRound]

From a survivinginfidelity.com article in their Healing Library...

 

"A lesser-known fact is that those who divorce very rarely marry the person with whom they are having the affair. A survey of 4,100 people showed that only 3% who divorced their spouse later married their affair partners. Even further, the divorce rate among those who married their affair partners was over 75 percent; reasons for that high divorce rate include intervention of reality, guilt, expectations, and a general foundation of distrust in the marriage - not necessarily the incidence of another affair."

 

I'm familiar with these statistics. Is there a reason that you posted them? I was not his OW at the time of the divorce, I had not been with him for over a year and a half. And an "intervention of reality" doesn't apply to us, it was not a secret affair, his wife was aware the entire time.

[AnotherRound]

Here's a tip: You can set a clear boundary for LC. Example: "I'll be happy to speak with you on the phone once a week and I'd like that to be our only contact right now". Then, do that. Call him or accept his call once a week and ignore all other contact/do not initiate other contact.

 

He's a fully grown man and can easily survive his divorce on his own. People do it all the time.

 

This is reasonable. He isn't asking me to help him through, he knows he has to do it on his own. I am the one that keeps offering support, it's just my nature. I think that the once a week thing might work. That would lower my anxiety regarding the calls, and possibly help me stay out of it more. This seems to be more my issue than his, honestly. He is respecting my request that I not be involved in his divorce, but then, when we are talking, I feel like I need the information.

 

I've got myself convinced that I will make a better decision regarding him later if I can observe him now. Does that make sense? If I can hear him and see how he is behaving and reacting and handling this, that somehow, it's going to give me the info that I need to make a good decision.

 

I know, it's probably incoherent. I've had a really long day today (nothing to do with exMM), and I'm exhausted - especially emotionally.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

[AnotherRound]

you can't control what he does, but you can control what you do..if you don't like the way things are, then what can you do to change it?

 

you've allowed him to become dependent on you as shoulder to cry on through his divorce...you've become, in essence, his therapist...perhaps you could try changing that dynamic...would telling him that until he begins therapy ( individual counseling) to help him sort through everything, you don't want to hear from him, and if he does that, when you do communicate, the topic of divorce , other than is as far as how it pertains to your relationship is off limits?

 

He is in IC, and has been since March or April. He is trying to sort through everything, and honestly, I brought it all up in our last conversation, not him. He was just expressing that he was feeling guilty about his child, and was talking about that - and I led into the divorce, and his feelings regarding all of that.

 

I have been his "therapist" throughout this relationship, it is just part of who I am. I do it for everyone, not just him. I had recently set the boundary that we wouldn't talk about it, then I brought it up. He answers all of my questions, and responds to all of my thoughts and feelings honestly and openly.

 

I think changing the dynamic is good advice. Can I be supportive without hearing the details of the divorce? It's so weird, bc it's not the details that hurt me - it's the pain he is feeling, the loss of his child in that he can't see him daily, that he is emotional. My natural need to nurture those I love kicks in, and I want to comfort and soothe. Not bc I think that he is innocent and shouldn't be feeling these things, I just know how it feels, and my empathy gets the better of me, and I want to make him feel better.

 

And, on another note, I almost feel like I need to know what he is thinking and feeling right now, in order to make an informed decision about what I want regarding him. I feel like I'm observing him, to see how he acts and reacts and handles, bc for some reason, I feel like I need this information to make my decision. Does that make sense?

[AnotherRound]

Definitely agree with this. One person can't be therapist for another in any relationship, it just ends up being codependent. In my case, dMM did have the therapist to talk to as did I. So I could vent to her about my questions, concerns, and frustrations and be able to focus on us when we were together. It also allowed me to figure out what I wanted and needed and not get lost in the divorce drama.

 

I could not solve the divorce for him, he needed to muddle through with it and make the best decisions based on his interest. I could give my opinion but there were times that decisions were not always going to be in best interest or what I needed to hear. I needed him to work it out so he could look back and know that he made every decision he made with the information he had at that time in the best manner that he could and it was not due to my influence or my best interest. This divorce was not about me or us. This was about him and he needed to focus there.

 

It was hard, thank god for the therapist!

 

He is in IC and has been for the past 8 months. He is working through things with his therapist. But I am in this field, and it's my natural inclination to be this for people. It's a role that I often take, not just with him.

 

and yes, that is exactly what I want. For him to end up exactly where he wants and needs to be. I haven't been trying to make decisions for him, or trying to influence him either way. I have been able to be extremely neutral (thankful for the year and half between when I ended it and now!). So, I think it's more about my need to know things. My need to know how he is handling things. I'm not giving him advice, and I had set the boundary that we would not talk about the divorce. But by not talking about it, it just feels - fake? Like we are both thinking about it, but not addressing it. I think this is what feels strained, bc in the past, we have talked very openly about EVERYTHING.

 

I don't consider it codependent to provide support to someone that you love. He is working through a lot of this with his therapist, and I think that he just values my opinions and bounces off of me what his counselor is saying, to see if I agree. I also think it has to do with how well I know him (as he said this to me), and him thinking that I have a good "read" on him bc of that knowledge.

 

I guess I need to figure out exactly WHAT is making me emotional here. I don't necessarily think it is the talk of his divorce, it honestly doesn't bother me. I think it is more just seeing him struggling to process, and having the skills to help him, and feeling like I'm not supposed to help him????