ashtree-house Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hi all, I have been stalking this forum for about a month now but didn't want to join out of pure desperation that my ex would come back to me and I wouldn't need to post here. But I am heartbroken and alone, and find myself reaching out. Here's my story.. A couple of years ago I started working in a grocery store where I completely fell for my co-worker. We were both geeky and we instantly hit it off. After two years of intense crushing, we started dating. We had an amazing connection and a loving and passionate relationship and I deeply fell in love with him. After 11 blissful months, he broke it off. We were having alot of fights, and our one year anniversary was coming up, and he was meeting my family.. and I think he got really overwhelmed and broke things off. I am absolutely devastated, lonely, and having trouble eating and sleeping. We met a couple of days after the breakup to exchange our things, and he was crying so hard, and told me that getting over me would be the hardest thing he'd ever have to do. I was so confused as to why he was doing it, but didn't ask questions. He then hugged me tightly, hesitated to let go, and then walked away. This was a month ago. I have tried to keep the lines of communication open, with minimal contact, and he always answers, but it seems really forced. I asked if we could go for coffee, but he said that it wasn't a good idea. Our mutual friends who have seen him since the split say he isn't taking the break up well and looks awful, but still won't make any effort to contact me. I had hoped that time would be all he needed, as I was his first girlfriend and love, and thought he just got really overwhelmed and needed some space to let the emotions settle. In the mean time, I was trying to find myself again, find new hobbies, and connect with friends. But ultimately I clung on to hope that he would come back. I recently started therapy (mostly for self-esteem issues, but also to talk about the break up in a safe environment), and my therapist said that you come to a point where you have to realize that I was in a place to move forward, and he was not. He gave the relationship all he could, but could not give anymore. And to try and see the relationship as an experience as a whole and learn from it and apply it to your life, rather then focusing on the end of it and what went wrong. She told me that people that focus on the end, stay at the end. So I have decided to try and move on. But of course I miss him so much, am quite depressed, still can't eat or sleep properly, and still go into fits of uncontrollable sobs. And I guess I just want to hear encouraging stories of people who are going or have gone through it. And just take.. one day at a time..
church9832 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) Time is the only way, there is no quick fix unless you're really that selfish and didn't feel anything. Watch some shows, hang with friends, go to the gym (takes away stress) and maybe even try a new look for yourself. Having a therapist means your getting the best help possible My Remedy is finding an activity or something that will keep the pain at bay for just a moment. Mine is going to confession and just belting out all my sins to my priest, and with me being a firm believer I remember that there are better things for me out there. I took it from the show Suits, where Harvey Specter visits his father grave in times of great loss and shares whiskey with him. The pain is temporary, it will go away just keep telling yourself that. I always say count your blessings and not your problems. Blessings could be your friends, your pet, you living and your work? etc. Make a speech about yourself and your good qualities and read it to yourself every morning to up your confidence. Looks weird at first but it reminds you who you are as an individual Hang in there! I'm three weeks from my break up! Oh PS: Don't make any life decisions, when you lose something big it just screws your judgement Edited September 24, 2012 by church9832 1
Calico Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 And I guess I just want to hear encouraging stories of people who are going or have gone through it. I haven't gone through it yet, but my experience with the journey so far is that the key to feeling better lies in actively working toward healing. Just sitting there and waiting for that magic moment where it all suddenly makes sense and the pain dissolves, that will not really do the trick. By actively working, I mean such things as: deliberately shifting your thoughts and breaking the circular thinking,making an effort to let go (possibly using visualizing, but also using your mind),giving simple meditation a try,forcing yourself to do things for yourself (that includes eating),reading useful books ("The Little Book of Letting Go" or "When Things Fall Apart"), consciously focusing on positive aspects (even if it's just the vastness of the empty sky, the beauty of flowers, the song of the birds), making new friends, either in real life or online, without looking at them as potential partners,writing lists of what wasn't great about the ex and the relationship,persistently identifying the advantages of the situation as whole and the present one,putting your goals for the next one, three, five days, a month, half a year, a year on paper. It's the emotional equivalent of the exercises you'd do after you had broken a leg and need to rebuild the muscles when the cast comes off. It's not easy, not pleasant, it frequently feels fake, and you'll relapse all the time, but it's better than being passive. For me, there are now some breaks on the cloudy sky and occasionally, I can see the sun. Still a long way, but I can't deny the progress. It's not there every day, and yesterday I curled up in my dark hole and just hurt, but time never stops, and everything always changes, everything is in flux. There is comfort in that knowledge.
Author ashtree-house Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Thank you everyone I love this forum and everyone is so helpful. I think I can begin to do alot of healing by taking advice from here.
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