I don't know what happens next

[Freecaitlin]

So no one really knows the story with me and my boyfriend. *Not the whole story anyways. *I want tot tell this and get what will hopefully be some unbiased and kind feedback. *Short background: *I'm 30, college grad, my bf is 33 and same. *We met a year and a few months ago, online dating. *I didn't expect that we would fall for each other like we did. *After a few months we moved in together. *A year prior I had broken off an engagements and 5 year relationship, he had split with a gf of 1 year but has never lived with a woman before or even told a woman he loved her (that's what he says anyways). *Well we have always had our fights but I felt our relationship was pretty good until a month ago. *Let me back up... *It was good but he always had complaints, like that I didn't let him go out with his friends enough and we argue too much. *Well a month ago his family came to town during a super stressful period. *He had just passed a major test at work (if he failed he would be fired) and we just got our month notice at our apartment and I was super busy with work. *With his family coming during this stressful period it was a lot. *I told his family they could stay at our place. *Him and his family are pretty close and super normal. *It was critical to him that we all get along. *The family decided a 8 hour road trip was the way to go, so we took a road trips to Seattle and that where it happened. *Me and my boyfriend got intro an argument in front of his family. *My boyfriend accidentally drank My coffee that was doused with marijuana tincture and was mad at me for it. *I decided to internalize and just pouted and hung back while his family went ahead exploring the city without me. *My boyfriend went ahead with his family and was texting me that I should get a bus home and we should break up. *Anyways, I texted him to come talk to me and I apologized but I could tell his family was put off by me so when we got back to our house he asked me if I wanted his family to stay and an said no. *So they stayed at a hotel for the rest of their trip. *When his family went home he broup with me the next day. *I was so distraught I told him I wanted to commit suicide, and I really sort of did. *When I said that he was even more determined not to gt back together with me. *He even sent cops to my house and would talk to me for days. *Finally he decided to talk to me and said we could see each other but had to live apart. *Well I had only a week to find a place to live and I was super over whelmed at work. *I was breaking down and sure I would be homeless. *At this point he agreed to visit with me, and finally agreed I could live with him in the apartment we signed a lease on a few weeks ago. *So we moved in together on the condition that I see a counselor and I work on myself. *We have been living together at our new place now for a couple of weeks. *I have been watching my behavior and I do agree with him that I need to change how easily I get angry. *Just a few days ago we got in an argument and he said we should break up, it doesn't matter either way to him and he imagines he would be dhappier with someone who doesn't argue with him. *Then took it back and said he didn't mean it and would not hold our relationship over my head like that anymore. *My issue is that I want to get married and have kids and I know the way my mind works, I need that security. *If I have that security I will settle down and give him more freedom. *But he will not marry me until I get my "anger under control". *I am just afraid I will never be good enough for him. *