My relationships recent decline....

[Freecaitlin]

So no one really knows the story with me and my boyfriend. *Not the whole story anyways. *I want tot tell this and get what will hopefully be some unbiased and kind feedback. *Short background: *I'm 30, college grad, my bf is 33 and same. *We met a year and a few months ago, online dating. *I didn't expect that we would fall for each other like we did. *After a few months we moved in together. *A year prior I had broken off an engagements and 5 year relationship, he had split with a gf of 1 year but has never lived with a woman before or even told a woman he loved her (that's what he says anyways). *Well we have always had our fights but I felt our relationship was pretty good until a month ago. *Let me back up... *It was good but he always had complaints, like that I didn't let him go out with his friends enough and we argue too much. *Well a month ago his family came to town during a super stressful period. *He had just passed a major test at work (if he failed he would be fired) and we just got our month notice at our apartment and I was super busy with work. *With his family coming during this stressful period it was a lot. *I told his family they could stay at our place. *Him and his family are pretty close and super normal. *It was critical to him that we all get along. *The family decided a 8 hour road trip was the way to go, so we took a road trips to Seattle and that where it happened. *Me and my boyfriend got intro an argument in front of his family. *My boyfriend accidentally drank My coffee that was doused with marijuana tincture and was mad at me for it. *I decided to internalize and just pouted and hung back while his family went ahead exploring the city without me. *My boyfriend went ahead with his family and was texting me that I should get a bus home and we should break up. *Anyways, I texted him to come talk to me and I apologized but I could tell his family was put off by me so when we got back to our house he asked me if I wanted his family to stay and an said no. *So they stayed at a hotel for the rest of their trip. *When his family went home he broup with me the next day. *I was so distraught I told him I wanted to commit suicide, and I really sort of did. *When I said that he was even more determined not to gt back together with me. *He even sent cops to my house and would talk to me for days. *Finally he decided to talk to me and said we could see each other but had to live apart. *Well I had only a week to find a place to live and I was super over whelmed at work. *I was breaking down and sure I would be homeless. *At this point he agreed to visit with me, and finally agreed I could live with him in the apartment we signed a lease on a few weeks ago. *So we moved in together on the condition that I see a counselor and I work on myself. *We have been living together at our new place now for a couple of weeks. *I have been watching my behavior and I do agree with him that I need to change how easily I get angry. *Just a few days ago we got in an argument and he said we should break up, it doesn't matter either way to him and he imagines he would be dhappier with someone who doesn't argue with him. *Then took it back and said he didn't mean it and would not hold our relationship over my head like that anymore. *My issue is that I want to get married and have kids and I know the way my mind works, I need that security. *If I have that security I will settle down and give him more freedom. *But he will not marry me until I get my "anger under control". *I am just afraid I will never be good enough for him. *I am so in love with this guy I am afraid I will put my life on hold and he will never want what I want. What do I do???

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you would like people to read and respond to your post, please re-post it with normal punctuation and paragraph breaks.

[BraydenDaz]

Why did my relationship end and can I get it back?

[PinkSapphire]

I did read your post.

 

It sounds like you have codependency issues. You are also quite sensitive and insecure in the relationship (as you mentioned), though it is a good sign that he wants you to work on yourself and see a counselor.

 

I understand being stressed out at work, while under pressure to find an apt, and then have his family visiting and staying with you. Trust me, I act completely irrational and crazy over stupid things when I am stressed out like that and/or low on sleep; so I understand that you probably overreacted in an atypical way for you. The problem I see here is it sounds like there is constant arguing, as well as your need to control him by not letting him see his friends that much. How much is too much for you, and how much do you need him around you? Maybe taking a couple of nights a week off from each other would help.

I know in my past relationship, things would go downhill when we saw each other too much. While I need my space, too, I was fine with 6 nights a week because I sleep less than he did, so ended up with many hours to see friends and workout, do laundry and chores, etc. that he never got because he would wake up in the afternoon and come visit, then go home and try to get something done.... he was miserable.

 

Try taking some time off from each other. It sounds like you guys are making each other crazy. I don't mean a "break", just try 2 - 3 nights per week of intentionally not spending together, no matter how much it hurts. To enjoy it, focus on the fun things or friends you will see during those free nights, not on how you won't get to see him. Then, make plans in advance with friends or to just have a chill night to yourself to watch bad TV or movies or read or browse online, whatever. De-stress, drink tea, have a bath. He gets to see his buddies or whatever, and maybe you will start to appreciate each other more, the arguing may stop (the fastest way to hate anyone is to never get a break from them.)

 

If that doesn't help over a couple of months, write back here. You may need to end this adn find someone you are more compatible with; but seriously, try to chill out some and give the man his space. You need it, too, with all the stress you are dealing with as well, and could use some girlfriends to vent to and commiserate with (don't expect him to take this burden for you; men aren't good at it adn it just stresses most of them out).

 

Good luck!