songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hello... This is my first post ever to a website about any issue, but since I have read numerous posts and have not even come close to a situation like mine, I thought I'd give it a shot and see what kind of feedback I would get. Here's my situation and I will make it brief because I'm not trying to write a storybook here...lol I met a man in the beginning of the year through a friend at a family function. The chemistry and connection between us was so intense that we became involved from that point on. We saw each other for 4 months but never discussed what our relationship was, or where it was going (I felt it was too soon to bring up the 'talk' earlier on). Anyway, to make a long story short, about 2 months ago, he actually brought up the conversation of our relationship and wanted to take it to the next level. I felt the same so we discussed details down to the exclusivity of the relationship. During this discussion he admitted that during the time we were involved he had sex with another female. I was very hurt and upset by this because I felt if there was any intent to be with other partners then the conversation should have been had BEFORE the act was done. In the meantime, I had remained faithful until I knew where our relationship was going if anywhere. Well, in the heat of the moment I got so upset that I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He was surprised by this but agreed he would leave. After coming to my senses the next day, I realized that I may have over reacted and I tried to get a hold of him with no luck as he was moving a few days later. This was 2 months ago and I still have not heard a word from him. Well, now I'm left wondering who was actually at fault here, and how something that was going somewhere could end so suddenly like that. I realize the mistake on my part, and if it wasn't meant to be then it just wasn't meant to be, but I don't understand how a man can actually care about you one minute and disappear out of your life the next because of something said out of hurt and anger. Since I have no way to get in touch with him, I'm wondering if he will ever contact me again or should I make another attempt to contact him. Any feedback will be appreciated and it will definitely help :-)
GoneToCode Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Technically, I think you are at fault. if you had no committment to each other or understanding of being exclusive, why should he be so. In fact, he trusted you enough to tell you. Unless he was being a jerk about it and flaunting it in your face, but i dont think that is the case. I believe people should date as many people as they can as much as they can to find the right one. I know, you were secretly hoping he felt so strong about you that he would never want to be with another even without a commitment, but he had another option. Imagine if you felt strongly about someone new at the same time? While you may not slept with a new guy, you may have been tempted. Can you look past this if he would want to date you again?
Author songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks for your response...and in answer to your question, yes I would definitely be able to work past that. I respect the fact that he trusted me enough to tell me, and that's why I am beating myself up for responding the way I did. The problem now is I don't know whether to try and find him, or wait and see if he contacts me. I'm not sure if I should just chalk this up as a loss
GoneToCode Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Go contact him and tell him the honest truth. Don't make it sound like you "love" him or have stronger feelings than warranted (other words, don't sound weak or needy). Just tell him flat out: I had an unwarranted feeling that we should be exclusive and I was wrong in expecting you feel the same. Actually, I appreciate you telling me the truth. I'd like to try again if you would. If not, I understand. I got other things to do myself. If he has any brains, he'll realize he has a no nonsense woman that can recover after a bad decision and has the guts to address me afterwards. Obviously you like the guy: don't let it slip away. 1
KraftDinner Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I think you're asking the wrong question here - why does someone have to be blamed? You guys clearly weren't on the same page. And if he were really into you, he wouldn't have just disappeared like that. I'm kind of square and don't sleep around so in my world, dating/having sex with more than one person at a time is unthinkable. So from that perspective, what he did was not good. Not everyone thinks that way. From your perspective, sounds like he was wrong. From his, he wasn't. Perspectives are different. Let it go. He sure did. 1
Author songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Thanks GTG...that is very good advice and I have been willing to do that since day one after my little 'outburst'.
todreaminblue Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hello... This is my first post ever to a website about any issue, but since I have read numerous posts and have not even come close to a situation like mine, I thought I'd give it a shot and see what kind of feedback I would get. Here's my situation and I will make it brief because I'm not trying to write a storybook here...lol I met a man in the beginning of the year through a friend at a family function. The chemistry and connection between us was so intense that we became involved from that point on. We saw each other for 4 months but never discussed what our relationship was, or where it was going (I felt it was too soon to bring up the 'talk' earlier on). Anyway, to make a long story short, about 2 months ago, he actually brought up the conversation of our relationship and wanted to take it to the next level. I felt the same so we discussed details down to the exclusivity of the relationship. During this discussion he admitted that during the time we were involved he had sex with another female. I was very hurt and upset by this because I felt if there was any intent to be with other partners then the conversation should have been had BEFORE the act was done. In the meantime, I had remained faithful until I knew where our relationship was going if anywhere. Well, in the heat of the moment I got so upset that I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He was surprised by this but agreed he would leave. After coming to my senses the next day, I realized that I may have over reacted and I tried to get a hold of him with no luck as he was moving a few days later. This was 2 months ago and I still have not heard a word from him. Well, now I'm left wondering who was actually at fault here, and how something that was going somewhere could end so suddenly like that. I realize the mistake on my part, and if it wasn't meant to be then it just wasn't meant to be, but I don't understand how a man can actually care about you one minute and disappear out of your life the next because of something said out of hurt and anger. Since I have no way to get in touch with him, I'm wondering if he will ever contact me again or should I make another attempt to contact him. Any feedback will be appreciated and it will definitely help :-) hard to say i would say if the relationship was intense that even though the talk had not been had as a woman i would take that as unspoken exclusivity as i am unspoken in my exclusivity i assume it to be known as if a person dates me without having that sit down hash out they would already know i only date one guy at a time......that is from lessons learnt..... I think that intense feelings you had were yours.......the fact he didn't try to keep the relationship on a communicating level is another sign that you felt more for him than he did for you....i feel for you.Take time to get centered before saying good bye to anyone....its final........unfortunately you regret it.......but actually you could look at it this way.....you have a chance to find someone who loves you enough to want to stick around........who has feelings that are as intense and holds the same belief as you about being exclusive and you will find them have hope...hugs atcha....deb 2
KraftDinner Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Go contact him and tell him the honest truth. Don't make it sound like you "love" him or have stronger feelings than warranted (other words, don't sound weak or needy). Just tell him flat out: I had an unwarranted feeling that we should be exclusive and I was wrong in expecting you feel the same. Actually, I appreciate you telling me the truth. I'd like to try again if you would. If not, I understand. I got other things to do myself. If he has any brains, he'll realize he has a no nonsense woman that can recover after a bad decision and has the guts to address me afterwards. Obviously you like the guy: don't let it slip away. Why is her feeling unwarranted? I think maybe the OP is pushing aside her feelings because it's the only way to get him back. OP, he didn't say you were exclusive, but was there behaviour etc. that would imply you were?
Author songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 @kraftdinner...you have a valid point too...that's why I wanted to hear other replies to this situation because I have been struggling with both sides of the coin on this one. I have thought about your scenario too, but others feel it's my fault and have told me that's why he disappeared and I'm the one that should contact him, but after 2 months...I feel he may have moved on already.
GoneToCode Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Why is her feeling unwarranted? I think maybe the OP is pushing aside her feelings because it's the only way to get him back. OP, he didn't say you were exclusive, but was there behaviour etc. that would imply you were? Why IS her feeling warranted? What did he do so bad? They had ZERO agreement and commitment. It's really none of her business if there is no understanding of exclusiveness.
Author songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 @kraftdinner...yes, from the actions, and previous conversations about not being with anyone else, I ASSUMED like an ass that we were exclusive while we were involved with each other. I wish now that he had not told me anything until we had developed our relationship more. He did tell me that is was a mistake and it would never happen again, so from that, he must have known there was some form of exclusiveness between us and he felt guilty. That's why I initially got so upset.
KraftDinner Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 @kraftdinner...yes, from the actions, and previous conversations about not being with anyone else, I ASSUMED like an ass that we were exclusive while we were involved with each other. I wish now that he had not told me anything until we had developed our relationship more. He did tell me that is was a mistake and it would never happen again, so from that, he must have known there was some form of exclusiveness between us and he felt guilty. That's why I initially got so upset. Yeah...I totally get your reaction then. So you had had previous convos about not being with anyone else? I would probably make the same assumptions you did. And he said it was a mistake...yeah, he totally knew there was a form of exclusiveness. There is no one way people agree to be exclusive. There isn't a standard contract or anything. You felt there was an agreement and had good reason. Ok...so I think I could MAYBE get past the indiscretion on a technicality. Maybe. But what I think is worse is that he took off and that was that. Ugh! I'm sorry. And you're left replaying the situation and feeling guilty. I don't think you did anything wrong, and I think he was wrong on 2 levels. So maybe I was wrong about nobody being to blame, haha. But seriously. Don't beat yourself up. 1
CC12 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I don't understand how a man can actually care about you one minute and disappear out of your life the next You told him to disappear! So he did. You can't make these kinds of declarations and then expect them not to mean anything. And he might have thought the same thing - "I don't understand how a woman can actually care about you one minute and tell you to get out of her life the next." He did tell me that is was a mistake and it would never happen again, so from that, he must have known there was some form of exclusiveness between us and he felt guilty. He may have felt guilty about it, but that doesn't mean he had a good reason to feel guilty. You guys never definitively spoke about being exclusive, and that's why exclusivity came up during the "next level" discussion, I'm assuming. So I'm not sure I can fault the guy for it. I guess it depends on the kind of "previous conversations about not being with anyone else." How did those conversations go? Did he actually ever say, "I am not going to sleep with anyone else as long as I'm seeing you" or anything along those lines? Did he say anything to lead you to believe he would be faithful?
Author songbird70 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 You told him to disappear! So he did. You can't make these kinds of declarations and then expect them not to mean anything. And he might have thought the same thing - "I don't understand how a woman can actually care about you one minute and tell you to get out of her life the next." He may have felt guilty about it, but that doesn't mean he had a good reason to feel guilty. You guys never definitively spoke about being exclusive, and that's why exclusivity came up during the "next level" discussion, I'm assuming. So I'm not sure I can fault the guy for it. I guess it depends on the kind of "previous conversations about not being with anyone else." How did those conversations go? Did he actually ever say, "I am not going to sleep with anyone else as long as I'm seeing you" or anything along those lines? Did he say anything to lead you to believe he would be faithful? No...those 'exact' words were never spoken, but he had a clear understanding that I was not open to having other partners. In fact, there was an earlier conversation we had where I assumed he may have had sex with his ex and I got almost as upset then. He denied that so I let it go. There are a few details I did not include in my original post because I didn't want to write a long story, but I did not tell him to 'disappear' from my life simply because he had sex with someone else. I have dealt with situations with him the average women would have ran like hell from since the very beginning. That particular night he had just started showing up after going NC for 5 weeks for no apparent reason! When I asked why his explanation was that things between us were getting too intense so he backed away for awhile. I was still trying to take all of that in, so when he hit me with the fact that he had sex, I felt like how dare he leave me hanging for 5 weeks wondering if I'm going to see him again while he goes off and has sex with someone else? I was hurt and frustrated and felt like he was playing on my emotions. Only after I thought everything through did I think that maybe my reaction was a little over board and I should have given him the chance to see how this would have turned out.
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