I am Just Existing Not Living

[CCavewomen]

I am looking for advice on how to live again. I started dating my ex four and a half years ago. It was a whirlwind romance, we were living together after three weeks, he had proposed after a month on my birthday and we had set a date for the wedding the next year and had discussed trying for a baby after the wedding. I was 36 when I met him. It was during the first few days of the relationship that I realised he was an alcoholic but I had fallen for him. He told me he loved me and wanted to give up drinking for me, I told him I would marry him even if he couldn't give up the drink. Over the next two years, I lost my job and we were unable to afford to get married. He also after a few attempts went into rehab and stopped drinking. He became a different person but he had told my mum before that if he stopped drinking he would be unable to show his emotions, my mum replied "do you really think she would leave you". So when he changed I was expecting it. I supported him with love, support and security through the whole process. He then told me he had started buying the odd can of beer again and so we compromised that he would not drink during the week but he would drink at the weekends and if he was off work. This worked for the whole of our relationship, I would support him when he woke up to make sure he didn't start drinking again. He worked nights and I would get up at 5am to pick him up so he didn't have to wait for buses. I got a full time job also so we had money to spend and we planned to buy a house together. He was also able to clear all the debts he had whilst he was drinking. I sat with him for months every weekend while he learnt to drive and six weeks after he passed his test he called me at 1am from work to tell me he was leaving me. He came back and picked up his stuff that day, he would not talk to me about the breakup just said it was over and i needed to let go and not dwell on the past. He said he wanted to remain friends. He did this on Friday the 13th July. For the next few weeks he came round at the weekends to pick up the remainder of his stuff and to collect his post. I was still in contact with his daughter and I found out that he had met someone in the last couple of weeks he had going to have a relationship with about 6 years before but she was going through difficulties at the time and he was drinking too much so it never happened. We were still in touch by mobile at the time and I was texting him how I feel and most of the time he was ignoring anything I said emotionally. The night he called and ended it I felt like I had lost everything, not only my relationship but my best friend. The last time he came round things did get a little nasty, for the first time since I had known him I got angry with him after he had said he had changed his mobile number because of the way I was being, he also deleted me off facebook as a friend. He put he was in a relationship with her but would not do that with me as he said what would be the point I never use it, he was also sending kisses to her on the end of texts as he sent them to me and then sent me a text saying sorry ignore them don't know why I sent them. He also sent the kisses to his son in law and then sent a text taking them back. All the things I craved while we were together he was suddenly giving to a woman that didn't want him when he was drinking. It has now been ten and a half weeks since he left and now he is not replying to e-mails. I have cried every day since he left. To make matters worse the woman he is now seeing lives around the corner from my mums and I work from my mums, I cannot even visit her for a cuppa let alone work there. I have also been told since he left me that he had been lying to me while we were together. I just feel so desparate sometimes and find I have to contact him but then it is made worse when he ignores me. I feel like he doesn't need me now so he has gone and not given me a backward glance. I know I am just existing as I cannot find a reason to get up in the morning and live. Strangely enough when we were together he used to always be the depressed one saying that life was bad and there was no reason to live and I would be there is always a reason, I just can't find mine at the moment. Sorry for the long post but I felt I needed to get all my feeling down.

[yuppup]

He sounds very dependent. Focus on all of the bad aspects of him, and then realize it's someone else's problem now. People don't miraculously change and treat their next partners better, especially in a rebound. It'll come back and he'll repeat the same behavior until he's really ready to grow up. She'll be putting up with a lot of headaches by the time you've already moved on. Just focus on you. <3

[CCavewomen]

Thanks for the advice Yuppup, I know I should be focussing on the negative. It is strange that the person who leaves only focusses on the negative and the person who is left hangs on to the positive.

 

He still had tried to control me after we split up by telling me he was hearing rumours and they were coming from his daughter's husband. He told me if I stopped visiting them the rumours would stop.

 

He also turned up at the karaoke we used to go to together and told me I shouldn't go out, I should stay in and pay the bills with it.

 

When I continued to do go round his daughter's house, he changed number and cut me off completely.

[Exit]

Gotta find something else in life to be passionate about. You shouldn't feel like you no longer have a reason to live because this alcoholic person left your life. Do not give in to any temptation to contact him. And if he's being abusive by threatening to spread rumors if you show up at certain places, then the simplest thing is simply not to show up. Something is missing in your life if you so readily made someone else your entire reason for living. It sounds romantic and it's what we see in books and movies, but in real life it's a perfect recipe for a toxic relationship. I can only say this because I'm so guilty of it myself. So many years where the only thing I cared about and woke up for in the morning was whoever I happened to be dating at the time. And when you live like that, that's what makes breakups so devastating whereas other people grieve a little bit and then move on. Because to them they aren't losing their entire reason for living. But in our minds that's how it feels. So I think you should change your perspective, don't waste any more time analyzing this failed relationship with someone who claims they were lying to you the entire time, instead try to figure out what is missing in your life that you feel like this relationship was your only reason to live.