PepperPotts Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Hi all-- My bf and I are both in incredibly stressful life situations right now, on top of being more than a thousand miles apart. We've been ok, but the last week it seems like we're very easily annoyed and frustrated with each other, and we're easily irritated. I don't feel like this would be as much of a problem if we were in the same place-- we would have the ability to work things out in person, calm down, and just quietly support each other. We're emotionally and physically frustrated as well. It's been about two months since we've seen each other, with just under a month to go. I really feel like a hug (or other activities that require physical closeness) would help considerably. How do you deal with fights and rough patches in LDRs? I would also appreciate some stories from your experience, if you have any... I'm sorry to ask for you to think about sad times, but I feel like concrete examples might help.
Author PepperPotts Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 And before anyone says it, neither one of us can reduce our stress. I've been taking steps to deal with mine --exercise, yoga, healthier diet, better sleep schedule-- but neither of us can get out of the situations we're in. In the last month we've dealt with losing/finding jobs, serious family health crises, nightmares/terrors, personal (stress related!) illness, trouble at work, overload of school work/increased difficulty of school work, and minor traffic violations. His support system is very small, and mine is now nearly non-existent because my family believes I've brought this all on myself ("you picked the classes you're taking" "you don't have to be dating someone that far away") and my friends are going through similar things and can't handle my stress on top of theirs. We're really all each other has, but it's really hard to be there for each other when we've got so much to deal with individually.
cerridwen Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) Holy cow, PepperPotts. I'm sorry you're going through such troubling times. My SO and I weren't together a month when a series of things brought down The House of Stress. My mother (already weakened by Parkinson's) fell seriously ill; I changed jobs; had my own health crisis; useless, predatory family members invaded; job responsibilites ramped up; legal issues arose; financial concerns appeared; fires seemingly sprouted up everywhere; and on top of it, there were jerks on here! My one place to escape! Here's what I suggest based on recent experience: Stay in touch with how stress impacts your behavior and share it with him. Knowing I become less communicative and draw inward, I pre-emptively explained I may email/text/Skype less as I cope. I reassured him it wasn't him or us, but my own way of reserving energy for the battles I was waging. Knowing yourself and your coping style, and sharing it with him BEFORE a problem arises, helps loads. Something along the lines of "I just want you to know today was really bad, so if I seem off or distant, please know it's not you..."Take and give space. You or he may need a day off from talking. Try not to be offended if asks for 2 (or 3). When things get heated, no sense in going head-to-head about things. Let cooler heads prevail, and take a breather. Use the opportunity for some self-care. Back away rather than lock horns, and let things settle down. You get the picture. Needing space isn't always a death knell. It has its usefulness!Exercise compassion. It would have been easy for my SO to feel neglected. We'd only just started dating and our contact was limited by LD. But he exercised great compassion and resisted sticking out his bottom lip to pout. Instead, he went about the business of his own life, checking in to offer support, find out what I might need, and to send words of encouragement and love. He had his own stressors but also a well of internal kindness to draw from. So, for one another, actively seek to be that "soft place to fall." Even if it's just shooting off a one-line text of "I know it's hard right now, but know you're in my heart", that matters. Good luck. I know it's upsetting and frustrating but it's also a great way to learn about yourself and to grow in relationship. You CAN come out of this stronger! Trust me! Edited September 24, 2012 by cerridwen
carhill Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 If your next scheduled meeting in person is in a month, then I'd use the marital version of never going to bed angry and overtly table the relevant issue respectfully for a cooling off period. If it's a major relationship issue, then do that via phone/voice, at minimum, or perhaps table it without prejudice until you meet in person. Express your confidence in the relationship and that you want to solve the issues together. Good luck.
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