LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 People don't change. Even if you get someone to all of a sudden say yes to kids they still really won't want to.
Titanwolf Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) Bad move OP. It's never a good idea to tell someone who's adamant against kids, that they will, or even could (in some cases) change their minds about the notion. It's rude to undermine their resolve like that and is basically inviting confrontation (I know first hand). At least you didn't call her selfish though, the logic is strong in that one Edited September 25, 2012 by Titanwolf 2
grkBoy Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I don't know if I should break it off or continue seeing her and see how things end up?? What should I do? It's quite clear. You want a family in your life and she doesn't. Think about what anyone would tell a marriage/children minded woman if she found out her her boyfriend never wants to marry or have kids. We would all tell her to dump him. Same deal. End it, say why, and then go find a girl who wants a family. Bear in mind though you had better be ready to play breadwinner in it all. More likely than not the children-minded woman will also want to quit working for a while or for good. If you have dreams of both of you doing 50/50 on income and then she's doing housework and raising the kids...you're in for a lonely life. 2
Ross MwcFan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You should end things with her as you're obviously not right for her, and you don't sound as though you would be good for her either. So end things and help her dodge a bullet.
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Bad move OP. It's never a good idea to tell someone who's adamant against kids, that they will, or even could (in some cases) change their minds about the notion. It's rude to undermine their resolve like that and is basically inviting confrontation (I know first hand). At least you didn't call her selfish though, the logic is strong in that one He should have instead had an ambush intervention where a group rather than one undermines her resolve and life choices. It is the decent thing to do. 2
Titanwolf Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 He should have instead had an ambush intervention where a group rather than one undermines her resolve and life choices. It is the decent thing to do. Makes sense
Trimmer Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You say this: If you reread my post, you will realize I wasn't telling her to change her mind. ...but then the subject segues into this: The topic of kids came into the discussion about it on people changing views of having kids/not having kids. And that was when she took it personally and stood her ground about her decision about not wanting kids...I don't know why she was so defensive about when I wasn't even attacking her or her decision. And I even clarified that to her at the end. How can you not understand how someone could take that peronally? You may not have spoken the words "I want you to change your mind" but everything about this screams: I want kids and you don't and now we're discussing people changing their minds about life decisions. If she feels firm about not having kids, of course she's going to take it personally. Have you ever heard of the idea of the "meta-message" that lies beneath the actual, literal words that you are speaking? That's what she was reacting to here. And if you claim that can't be true, just look at your comments that follow here: Wisdom comes with age and experience and it often holds true. ...i.e. she's not yet "wise" You don't think some of that attitude came through in your conversation? She did get defensive, after all - something was bugging her... Bottom line right here: Dating someone and expecting them to change is a no-win situation. ...unless you can accept the unpredictability of whateve change does or does not happen. If you can 100% accept the possiblity that she will NOT change, that you will NOT be able to have a family with this woman, then by all means, go forward and accept whatever the future brings. But if family is a firm decision for you, why beat your head on this rock? 3
FitChick Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 My friend never wanted kids so got her tubes tied. Her boyfriend did. He eventually changed his mind when he saw how stressed she was after coming home everyday from teaching first graders. He understood that there would be no way she'd have time or energy for him if they had kids. They've been happily married for twenty years with no regrets (and a lot more disposable income). Sure, people can and do change their minds about a lot of things. But do you want to gamble with your future? 2
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 My friend never wanted kids so got her tubes tied. Her boyfriend did. He eventually changed his mind when he saw how stressed she was after coming home everyday from teaching first graders. He understood that there would be no way she'd have time or energy for him if they had kids. They've been happily married for twenty years with no regrets (and a lot more disposable income). Sure, people can and do change their minds about a lot of things. But do you want to gamble with your future? He went against his deal breaker to settle. That does happen all of the time but it isn't the same as changing your mind. If you dug a little you would find the regret is still there.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 My friend never wanted kids so got her tubes tied. Her boyfriend did. He eventually changed his mind when he saw how stressed she was after coming home everyday from teaching first graders. He understood that there would be no way she'd have time or energy for him if they had kids. They've been happily married for twenty years with no regrets (and a lot more disposable income). Sure, people can and do change their minds about a lot of things. But do you want to gamble with your future? Wouldn't you get bored of 20 years with no kids? It just seems like what is there that interesting in marriage you know?
FitChick Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 He went against his deal breaker to settle. That does happen all of the time but it isn't the same as changing your mind. If you dug a little you would find the regret is still there. He hardly settled. She is gorgeous and makes as much money as he does. They have a very nice lifestyle. He never spent a lot of time around kids. It was his Jewish mother who was pushing for kids. Then his brother's wife got pregnant and took the pressure off of him. 1
Woggle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If she doesn't want kids respect that. I am not against having kids because some people are happy with it but it is a choice. Not everybody regrets having kids. My wife's best friend has a kid and neither her or her husband seem to regret it.
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 He hardly settled. She is gorgeous and makes as much money as he does. They have a very nice lifestyle.That doesn't matter. If he wanted children yet stayed with a partner who didn't then he settled. He never spent a lot of time around kids. It was his Jewish mother who was pushing for kids. Then his brother's wife got pregnant and took the pressure off of him. That's a plausible excuse. People invent plausible excuses to get out of a pinch such as how someone who wanted a child could do a complete 180.
rainfall Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Wouldn't you get bored of 20 years with no kids? It just seems like what is there that interesting in marriage you know? How would no kids be boring? You would have you entire life to spend with your husband/wife doing anything you guys wanted... I personally would think having kids would be the boring choice, but everyone is different. As long as the two people in the relationship feel the same noone should really have the right to judge their decision. 3
LittlePrince Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 How would no kids be boring? You would have you entire life to spend with your husband/wife doing anything you guys wanted... That'll take 15...nah probably 5
utterer of lies Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Do people ever change their mind about having kids? Yes, when they change partners. 2
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 How would no kids be boring? You would have you entire life to spend with your husband/wife doing anything you guys wanted... I personally would think having kids would be the boring choice, but everyone is different. As long as the two people in the relationship feel the same noone should really have the right to judge their decision. I just wondered. It just seems like you have to fill your time with stuff if you have no kids. Kids are lie the funniest people ever so it would be so entertaining
Ross MwcFan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I just wondered. It just seems like you have to fill your time with stuff if you have no kids. Kids are lie the funniest people ever so it would be so entertaining You get to fill your time with fun things. If you had kids you wouldn't be able to do any of these fun things anymore, because nearly all of your time would be taken up by them. Wouldn't this make you feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied and bored in life?
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 You get to fill your time with fun things. If you had kids you wouldn't be able to do any of these fun things anymore, because nearly all of your time would be taken up by them. Wouldn't this make you feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied and bored in life? Not at all lol I think my life would be boring unfulfilled and unsatisfying if I never have kids. I can't imagine what I would do. Even if I was married like what could I possibly do with all that time. I mean vacations and crap but that's more fun with kids I would think
Ross MwcFan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 A lot of women say that but then they end up pregnant and are fine with it and happy. I personally want kids way more than a career but a career is kind of something to occupy me until I meet someone to have kids with. I kind of think its selfish to not want children, I personally could never imagine not wanting them ever in life. It seems so sad. But to each their own I guess. I think it is selfish in the sense that there are so many women who would kill to get pregnant and can't but you have the perfect opportunity and you just waste your good uterus and quality eggs... Just let if rot away. It's so sad to me but I'm a little extreme because I really really want a baby like yesterday lol. In the end it is her body and her decision and like she said if you can't accept it you have to just move on. I certainly wouldn't invest time in someone who you don't know if they are interested in the same thing as you. That's just me personally, life is too short and you don't have forever and a day to meet someone and date and have babies. I look at tired looking mothers with screaming kids, fathers who can hardly afford anything (because of having kids) and hardly have any time to do anything fun. And it seems so sad, and I'm so glad I'm not in their shoes. As far as it being selfish to not want kids, it could just as easily be said that people who have kids are being selfish, since the world is becoming over populated, and there's kids who they could adopt instead who are waiting to be adopted. But no, 'I want kids, I want I want I want, me me me me me'. You could also easily say to a couple who have had 5 children that they're selfish for not pumping out another, and another, and another, and another... Think of all those poor babies who are yet to exist who they're denying life to. Just because there are women who can't have children, doesn't make it bad if a woman who can have children decides not too. 3
kaylan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 So I've been seeing this girl for almost 2 months. We've casually brought up the topic of kids. In fact it was brought up 3x. Last night at dinner we got into an intense discussion about it. Basically I see myself wanting and having kids within the next few years. While she doesn't want kids, not now not ever. I did insist and say that people change and that what today holds may not be true tomorrow. She got pretty defensive about it and repeated where she stood. I said I was okay with it and that I'm not trying to change her, but after that I don't know if I can see a future with her. She also kind of threw out the option that if I wasn't okay with it, I could walk away. I actually feel kind of sad about it, and don't think I'm 100% okay about it. We get along really well and have a lot in common. Though I found out recently she's a workaholic and works 7 days a week almost. The no kids thing kind of bugs me and whenever I hear someone say this it just makes me see them being a selfish person and self-absorbed. I don't know if I should break it off or continue seeing her and see how things end up?? What should I do? Three things. 1. Having kids is just as selfish as not having kids. You have kids to fulfill your own desire to procreate and raise someone. Its not selfless like people make it seem to be. Especially in the cases of people who struggle raising kids or have them at the wrong time in their life. 2. Its selfish to expect someone to change their mind for you. Its judgmental and controlling to consider them selfish for wanting to enjoy their life and only be responsible for themselves. 3. Walk. She doesnt want what you do...do just bounce. Simple. 2
Ross MwcFan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Not at all lol I think my life would be boring unfulfilled and unsatisfying if I never have kids. I can't imagine what I would do. Even if I was married like what could I possibly do with all that time. I mean vacations and crap but that's more fun with kids I would think Just because you would find it unfulfilling and boring doesn't mean that everyone else would do or that they should do. It's a shame that the only way you seem to have of entertaining yourself is by having kids. 2
kaylan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I'm thinking that she's saying it because of her age, I'm a few years older than her and I know/and see she lacks a lot of wisdom that you gain when you get older/reach a certain age. When I was her age, I also absolutely had no thought about having kids either. But yes it is one of those things that I see possibly changing as she gets older...but maybe I'm better off dating someone the same age as me who's on the same page about it? Maybe it isn't worth the frustration hoping they will change? What's frightening most about this is she is almost a mirror image of me of when I was her age almost in every way and views about life, heck we're even the same zodiac sign. She also has a therapist and suffers from anxiety, though she won't go into details about any of it...I know she worries about a lot of things. This post seems very patronizing of her and know-it-all-ish. How old are both of you? If shes a hard working woman, who enjoys her freedom and is over 30 years of age, she wont change her mind. If anything she MIGHT adopt later in life. Accept her decision and move on. Shes not a child. If shes only a few years younger than you, then trust me...she knows exactly what she wants. Just because YOU changed doesnt mean she will. Dont expect her to change or try to change her. Move on. 1
Ross MwcFan Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 He went against his deal breaker to settle. That does happen all of the time but it isn't the same as changing your mind. If you dug a little you would find the regret is still there. But the deal breaker does not happen, when the regret happend before that, then changing your mind.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Just because you would find it unfulfilling and boring doesn't mean that everyone else would do or that they should do. It's a shame that the only way you seem to have of entertaining yourself is by having kids. I don't want children for entertainment however I do thin they are entertaining. I want kids because I want to leave a legacy and you can't do that without kids. If you opt to never have kids then when you die so goes your legacy and that's sad. I feel bad for people who don't want kids because I think they are sad and lonely and will have no legacy and probably just really mean people in general, I mean how can you not like children. To me there is nothing in life more important than having babies. And I will probably be one of those horrible self ones who contributes to the over population because I want a huge family. Like 6 kids
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