monkey00 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So I've been seeing this girl for almost 2 months. We've casually brought up the topic of kids. In fact it was brought up 3x. Last night at dinner we got into an intense discussion about it. Basically I see myself wanting and having kids within the next few years. While she doesn't want kids, not now not ever. I did insist and say that people change and that what today holds may not be true tomorrow. She got pretty defensive about it and repeated where she stood. I said I was okay with it and that I'm not trying to change her, but after that I don't know if I can see a future with her. She also kind of threw out the option that if I wasn't okay with it, I could walk away. I actually feel kind of sad about it, and don't think I'm 100% okay about it. We get along really well and have a lot in common. Though I found out recently she's a workaholic and works 7 days a week almost. The no kids thing kind of bugs me and whenever I hear someone say this it just makes me see them being a selfish person and self-absorbed. I don't know if I should break it off or continue seeing her and see how things end up?? What should I do?
MonsterMash Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I'm the opposite. I used to want kids. But after two failed marriages I am glad I don't have them.....and don't plan on it either. Everyone is different.
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I don't know if I should break it off or continue seeing her and see how things end up?? What should I do? If your goal is a LTR/M with children, accept the real and end it today. I wouldn't have given it (breaking up over such a conflict) a second thought back in the day, but I met essentially zero women with that strong of a viewpoint on children. This is one of those 'pick your battles' moments. This is important, an ostensibly elemental reason for having a sexual interpersonal relationship. If there's a disconnect, there is. 3
iris219 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 It depends on how old she is. If she's very young, it's possible, even likely, she will change her mind, but I'm not sure you want to take that chance. My high school BF used to get so mad at me because I swore I never wanted children. And I didn't back then. Now I have a strong to urge for children and have for many years.
todreaminblue Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So I've been seeing this girl for almost 2 months. We've casually brought up the topic of kids. In fact it was brought up 3x. Last night at dinner we got into an intense discussion about it. Basically I see myself wanting and having kids within the next few years. While she doesn't want kids, not now not ever. I did insist and say that people change and that what today holds may not be true tomorrow. She got pretty defensive about it and repeated where she stood. I said I was okay with it and that I'm not trying to change her, but after that I don't know if I can see a future with her. She also kind of threw out the option that if I wasn't okay with it, I could walk away. I actually feel kind of sad about it, and don't think I'm 100% okay about it. We get along really well and have a lot in common. Though I found out recently she's a workaholic and works 7 days a week almost. The no kids thing kind of bugs me and whenever I hear someone say this it just makes me see them being a selfish person and self-absorbed. I don't know if I should break it off or continue seeing her and see how things end up?? What should I do? I have five and the last two births were a risk........i was more or less told to have a tubal litigation because i nearly died in the last birth.....my lungs collapsed under general.......so i did that what i was told to do even though i didnt want to.....i believe now it was stress and smoking......not my body giving out if i met the right person i would get it reversed(which has it risks) I fall pregnant easily ....but i would have to tell that person exactly my history and rely on my faith to pull me through .....and not smoking being fit.....it would be a c section birth....that is if that person wanted to have children I have always wanted to have foster kids or adopt......feed the kids......love them, my own and other peoples.....i have a tribe around me most of the time...some of them are adult kids....they are hard work...smilin..wouldnt have it any other way..deb
Author monkey00 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) It depends on how old she is. If she's very young, it's possible, even likely, she will change her mind, but I'm not sure you want to take that chance. My high school BF used to get so mad at me because I swore I never wanted children. And I didn't back then. Now I have a strong to urge for children and have for many years. I'm thinking that she's saying it because of her age, I'm a few years older than her and I know/and see she lacks a lot of wisdom that you gain when you get older/reach a certain age. When I was her age, I also absolutely had no thought about having kids either. But yes it is one of those things that I see possibly changing as she gets older...but maybe I'm better off dating someone the same age as me who's on the same page about it? Maybe it isn't worth the frustration hoping they will change? What's frightening most about this is she is almost a mirror image of me of when I was her age almost in every way and views about life, heck we're even the same zodiac sign. She also has a therapist and suffers from anxiety, though she won't go into details about any of it...I know she worries about a lot of things. Edited September 23, 2012 by monkey00
iris219 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I'm thinking that she's saying it because of her age, I'm a few years older than her and I know/and see she lacks a lot of wisdom that you gain when you get older/reach a certain age. When I was her age, I also absolutely had no thought about having kids either. But yes it is one of those things that I see possibly changing as she gets older...but maybe I'm better off dating someone the same age as me who's on the same page about it? Maybe it isn't worth the frustration hoping they will change? What's frightening most about this is she is almost a mirror image of me of when I was her age almost in every way and views about life, heck we're even the same zodiac sign. I wouldn't worry too much about it right now if the relationship is good otherwise. However, I started wanting kids when I dated someone I was very in love with. I stopped wanting them after the guy I was madly in love with. This made me realize I wasn't in love with a certain BF. Now I want them even though I'm single, so for me the desire for children has waxed and waned over the years. 1
KraftDinner Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Honestly, you sound like the selfish one, unable to accept that anyone could possibly want something different in life without somehow being immature or not smart enough to know what they really want. This girl deserves to be with someone who respects her enough to believe her when she tells you she knows what she wants. Not patronize her and say there, there, you'll change your mind, I know better. Plus, I think you'll find if you break down every reason FOR having kids, they're all inherently selfish too. People do what they want. Maybe she's UNselfish and knows that because her career is so important to her, that she'd never be able to give kids the attention they'd need. 10
tigressA Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I'm 25 and for the last couple of years I've been adamant about never having children. If I were to ever become pregnant I would abort. Did you even stop to consider how much of an insult it was for you to tell her she could change her mind? Have you ever said that about YOURSELF or anyone else you know who says they want to have kids? You come off as incredibly condescending toward her, asserting that she doesn't have the 'wisdom' you do because she's got a few years less on you. Anyway, yes--end it ASAP. Absolutely no sense in you waiting around in hopes she'll change her mind. 2
CptObvious Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 People are stupid and they constantly change. Take that fact any way you want it and place your bets. 1
xxoo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Yes, many people do change their mind about having children. No, you should not continue this relationship in the hopes that she will change her mind. Offer to look each other up if either of you changes your mind. 2
Author monkey00 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 (edited) I wouldn't worry too much about it right now if the relationship is good otherwise. However, I started wanting kids when I dated someone I was very in love with. I stopped wanting them after the guy I was madly in love with. This made me realize I wasn't in love with a certain BF. Now I want them even though I'm single, so for me the desire for children has waxed and waned over the years. I realize it doesn't help to worry too much and I'm trying not to. I've been in relationships where it never wound up anywhere. Not to say I'm pessimistic about this one. Did you even stop to consider how much of an insult it was for you to tell her she could change her mind? Have you ever said that about YOURSELF or anyone else you know who says they want to have kids? You come off as incredibly condescending toward her, asserting that she doesn't have the 'wisdom' you do because she's got a few years less on you. If you reread my post, you will realize I wasn't telling her to change her mind. Initially we were just talking about people's personal decisions/opinions and how they can change over time because people are capable of changing. The topic of kids came into the discussion about it on people changing views of having kids/not having kids. And that was when she took it personally and stood her ground about her decision about not wanting kids...I don't know why she was so defensive about when I wasn't even attacking her or her decision. And I even clarified that to her at the end. Wisdom comes with age and experience and it often holds true. I'm not trying to be condescending. If anything what I mean to say is with the age gap difference we may not be in the same stage in life. But hard to say because we're both pretty mature and hard-working, her priorities are a bit different in some ways. Yes, many people do change their mind about having children. No, you should not continue this relationship in the hopes that she will change her mind. Offer to look each other up if either of you changes your mind. I think if I were to break up with her, it might be more about her being a workaholic than not wanting kids. Right now she's making time to see me after work, but I'll have to see how that goes. Edited September 24, 2012 by monkey00
El Brujo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 When I was a teenager, I wasn't sure if I wanted to have kids or not. But then once my family started pressuring me to find a woman and be a dad, I pushed back. I couldn't see the point of hitching up with some woman I wouldn't even like, just to father kids so my family could spoil them. Besides, it's no fun being a kid nowadays... EVERYTHING fun is illegal as hell. I hate that. But it really bugs me when I check out OLD profiles and see all these women who still want to have kids well into their 60s. IMO if you're that old and still waiting, you've got problems.
FitChick Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 There are so many children from abusive homes (so much for the parental "instinct") who desperately need foster homes. The state will pay for them, too. I don't understand why people who claim to love and want children don't foster them. It might be an eye opening experience. Better to find out now how hard it is to rear kids. At least you can give them back. 2
KraftDinner Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I am not attracted to women with no maternal instincts. Maternal instincts are part of the package of a complete woman. And I'm assuming that, unlike the OP, you wouldn't date a woman who didn't want kids and expect her to change, right? Dating someone and expecting them to change is a no-win situation. That would be like me dating Pierre and thinking he'll just get over his silly wish to have kids. He doesn't know what he wants really...I know better. 2
Author monkey00 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 I am not attracted to women with no maternal instincts. Maternal instincts are part of the package of a complete woman. I am the same way. But there are lots of women out there also who have maternal instincts and do not want to have kids. I would not be surprised if women too are attracted to men with paternal instincts. Anyway I'll need some time to think this over, and figure whether or not this situation is a dealbreaker for me. It's sad to see us break up because I really like her, but it's also sad to think of a future without children also.
El Brujo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Look at it this way: what if you went ahead and had kids, and they turned out crippled or crazy? Or even worse, what if they turned out to be openly asexual??? 1
mortensorchid Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 People change their minds about this, either way. I've seen couples say that they don't want children, and then they have one and it was an "accident". I've seen those who said they don't want them, then marry someone with kids from previous marriage(s) who they end up supporting. And I've seen those who want them but never meet that other person and end up not having them. So there is no answer truly. People have contradictions about themselves, a lot more than you think. So give it a longer shot with her and if she has not bent then you have to move on. 2
Author monkey00 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 People change their minds about this, either way. I've seen couples say that they don't want children, and then they have one and it was an "accident". I've seen those who said they don't want them, then marry someone with kids from previous marriage(s) who they end up supporting. And I've seen those who want them but never meet that other person and end up not having them. So there is no answer truly. People have contradictions about themselves, a lot more than you think. So give it a longer shot with her and if she has not bent then you have to move on. Yeah I know of some of those types personally. I have a friend who was planning on breaking up with his gf, but to his dismay he found out he got her pregnant. Now they are happily engaged and he is happy to be a dad...life is full of surprises. But these days though abortions are an option and people are willing to go through with it. That's what I figure. We haven't been dating that long. Nor have we confided in each other about anything much. I know she has a lot of worries too that she keeps me in the dark about. This might be one of those time will tell moments when we get to know each other better. Thanks for the advice!
eve86 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 The relationship can go either way, she could change her mind, she couldn't. The question is how much time do you want to invest to find out? My ex of 3 years never wanted kids, never wanted to get married and I thought the same thing, people surely change their minds. But it never happened. Not saying it won't for you but waiting to find out is what you need to think about. It's great you don't want to sway her but if it's something you really want and she stands firm, I would move on now. She can find somebody who wants what she wants and so can you. 1
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 A lot of women say that but then they end up pregnant and are fine with it and happy. I personally want kids way more than a career but a career is kind of something to occupy me until I meet someone to have kids with. I kind of think its selfish to not want children, I personally could never imagine not wanting them ever in life. It seems so sad. But to each their own I guess. I think it is selfish in the sense that there are so many women who would kill to get pregnant and can't but you have the perfect opportunity and you just waste your good uterus and quality eggs... Just let if rot away. It's so sad to me but I'm a little extreme because I really really want a baby like yesterday lol. In the end it is her body and her decision and like she said if you can't accept it you have to just move on. I certainly wouldn't invest time in someone who you don't know if they are interested in the same thing as you. That's just me personally, life is too short and you don't have forever and a day to meet someone and date and have babies.
rainfall Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I am one of those women who never have and never will want kids. I know I will never change my mind. When people tell me that one day I will I find it highly rude. They are acting like they know better than me what I should do with my life and what will make me happy. I would never date a guy who wanted kids in the hope that one day he would change his mind. Kids are one issue that if couples diagree then they should end it. One of them is probably (not always) going to end up resentful or sad. 2
rainfall Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 A. I kind of think its selfish to not want children, I personally could never imagine not wanting them ever in life. It seems so sad. But to each their own I guess.. I don't understand how you think its selfish or sad. I think its sad for people to look down on other people for their choice for not wanting kids. It doesn't effect your choice to have them so why do you think I am selfish for not wanting them? To be honest, I really don't understand why someone would want kids. You know what though? I'm not going to go around and tell people they are wrong or selfish or whatever because they want kids. Its their life and they can do with it as they please. As long as it doesn't effect me I don't really care....... 3
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I don't understand how you think its selfish or sad. I think its sad for people to look down on other people for their choice for not wanting kids. It doesn't effect your choice to have them so why do you think I am selfish for not wanting them? To be honest, I really don't understand why someone would want kids. You know what though? I'm not going to go around and tell people they are wrong or selfish or whatever because they want kids. Its their life and they can do with it as they please. As long as it doesn't effect me I don't really care....... I said to each their own but I don't know how you could feel fulfilled with no children in your life. I mean if that's your decision then fine but I don't get it, just like you don't get my decision to have a slew of them one day lol. My aunt has no kids and she seems fulfilled but how lonely (she isn't married either though) it's like you aren't leaving anything behind to remember or carry a legacy.
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