Inafix Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Dear all, I have posted my story in another forum and got some good perspectives, want to get some more views on the same so i can make an informed decision, so here goes. Married for three years, have a 2.5 year old. Husband and i have had lots and lots of issues right from the 6th month into marriage. He wanted another child, i didnt because this relationship was very unstable. Unplanned pregnancy happened and we decided to keep it because it was very important for him. I have had a very hard time coping with it emotionally and this pregnancy so far has been very difficult emotionally and i am under a lot of stress. The first two months were very smooth, with H being very supportive and keeping up the promises he made to make this pregnancy a good one. But after that, its been anything but easy. There has been lots of interference from inlaws, and other issues, which will take pages for me to write about. Two days ago, i found out that H was seeking out a woman he met at a soeech club that he is a member of. I found emails of him talking about general issues, their peeches, etc noing sexual. But every mail ended with either 'you were looking very beautiful, even more than usual today' or 'id love to get a carpel tunnel syndrome writing these long mails to you' or ''i was really hoping to see you at the meeting today". When i confronted him, he brushed it off and said there is nothing wrong with anything he wrote... After much persuasion, he admitted it was a 'careless mistake' and after even more probing, he admitted that maybe he was looking to emotionally connect with her. He swears that he had no other intentions, not physical attraction, just found her to have the same interests as him. But why an unmarried woman who is seeking a groom? I also found that all this started at a time when our relationship was going great guns in those two months. Why could it not have been a 50 year old man? He said he is sorry, but is acting up after that. I am shattered and broken. Im not taking it very well. That pisses him off and he says i need help and he cannot handle me. I feel like i cannot forgive him, i hate him for doing this to me when im pregnant with his child. Am i over reacting? Does this guy deserve another chance?
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Welcome to LS So, does your H routinely tell your mother how beautiful she is? Good barometer for propriety with regards to physical attraction. IMO, this would be excellent fodder for marriage counseling. If I'm understanding correctly, you're currently pregnant (I was confused a bit about that so clarify as appropriate) and, if so, MC would also be helpful in sorting out your emotions surrounding this issue. Often, pregnancy can affect one's body/brain chemistry and attendant responses. Overall, I'd call his contact with the other party inappropriate. She may not be 'seeking a groom' at all. That's unknown. His contacts, however, are known, so work with that. Good luck.
Dreamless Sleep Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Dear all, 1) Husband and i have had lots and lots of issues right from the 6th month into marriage. 2)He wanted another child, i didnt because this relationship was very unstable. 3)Unplanned pregnancy happened and we decided to keep it because it was very important for him. I have had a very hard time coping with it emotionally and this pregnancy so far has been very difficult emotionally and i am under a lot of stress. 4)i found out that H was seeking out a woman he met at a soeech club that he is a member of. I found emails of him talking about general issues, 5) he admitted that maybe he was looking to emotionally connect with her. 6)i need help and he cannot handle me. I feel like i cannot forgive him, i hate him for doing this to me when im pregnant with his child. trouble x6. Get professional help. If you don't like that councilor get a different one. Work hard, insist on openness, honesty and change. Look at yourself. Good luck
GLDheart Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 These things start somewhere... a little attraction... then a little flirting... some emails... one thing leads to the next... and BAM!! Armageddon on your relationship. The only question is where is his REAL boundary. He has admitted to emotionally cheating on you... that alone is the hardest thing to cope with for most women. But, where does it stop? I think part of the trouble is that you simply don't know. He may need a calm reminder that the path he is on leads to broken home parenting, child support, and vistitation schedules. My opinion is that having a loving intact family is FAR more desirable than some fling with the speech class girl... but give him the rope to hang.. er, I mean make his own big boy decisions. 2
2sure Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 He convinces you to have another child based partly on emotional promises he has made you while at the same time reaching out for an emotional connection with another woman. No doubt, you are motivated to try to make this family work. No doubt, you are pregnant and emotional and feeling completely betrayed. He has to quit the speech club as of last week. Done. He needs to write a speech to his special friend explaining that his wife is pregnant and unhappy that he chose to fish around for some extra emotional validation because he was temporarily being a piece of shyte to his wife, child, and unborn infant and he cannot fathom why he included her in this farce. He will feel a lot better and so will you. 2
BetrayedH Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Although the concept is lost on most men, an emotional affair is typically just as hurtful or even moreso than a physical affair for a betrayed wife. Men typically have a harder time forgiving a physical affair. That said, men who have tried to reconcile with a woman in an EA would say it's a hell of a thing to compete with a woman's fantasy. And speaking as a man, I would never believe a man that said he was only interested in pursuing an emotional connection. Hooey. The short answer is that EAs are just as "bad" or damaging as PAs. Stick around and ask some people whose spouses "just had an EA" how they feel about that particular phrase and it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly. You H has some awful boundaries. Many here would say he was trying to cheat and that it's just as bad as actually having done so. Reverse the roles and see how much he would consider your flirting with another man to have been "nothing." If you did it openly, he'd be pissed at you and likely want to beat the OM to a pulp. Doesn't sound like nothing. His approach to you is called "minimizing." It's bullcrap. The fact that your H is being defensive and turning this around on you is called "blameshifting." More bullcrap. Waywards also love to make you think you're crazy and that you don't know what you know. That's called "gaslighting." And when you have to prod for informaion and they only tell you what you already know, that's "trickle truthing." These are all right out of the cheater's handbook. Watch for them and call the bullcrap out as it is delivered. All that said, many have recovered their marriages from long-term physical affairs if you want to consider those "worse." It is certainly possible. But you two are in the danger zone and this cannot be swept under the rug. Rug sweeping categorically fails. You cannot go around this. You must go through it. As the others have stated, MC is in order and you should make it a dealbreaker if he won't attend. I also strongly recommend that you both read the book, Not Just Friends, to further safeguard your marriage. That book should be mandatory reading before anyone is issued a marriage certificate. I wish you luck with both your marriage and your pregnancy. 2
todreaminblue Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Dear all, I have posted my story in another forum and got some good perspectives, want to get some more views on the same so i can make an informed decision, so here goes. Married for three years, have a 2.5 year old. Husband and i have had lots and lots of issues right from the 6th month into marriage. He wanted another child, i didnt because this relationship was very unstable. Unplanned pregnancy happened and we decided to keep it because it was very important for him. I have had a very hard time coping with it emotionally and this pregnancy so far has been very difficult emotionally and i am under a lot of stress. The first two months were very smooth, with H being very supportive and keeping up the promises he made to make this pregnancy a good one. But after that, its been anything but easy. There has been lots of interference from inlaws, and other issues, which will take pages for me to write about. Two days ago, i found out that H was seeking out a woman he met at a soeech club that he is a member of. I found emails of him talking about general issues, their peeches, etc noing sexual. But every mail ended with either 'you were looking very beautiful, even more than usual today' or 'id love to get a carpel tunnel syndrome writing these long mails to you' or ''i was really hoping to see you at the meeting today". When i confronted him, he brushed it off and said there is nothing wrong with anything he wrote... After much persuasion, he admitted it was a 'careless mistake' and after even more probing, he admitted that maybe he was looking to emotionally connect with her. He swears that he had no other intentions, not physical attraction, just found her to have the same interests as him. But why an unmarried woman who is seeking a groom? I also found that all this started at a time when our relationship was going great guns in those two months. Why could it not have been a 50 year old man? He said he is sorry, but is acting up after that. I am shattered and broken. Im not taking it very well. That pisses him off and he says i need help and he cannot handle me. I feel like i cannot forgive him, i hate him for doing this to me when im pregnant with his child. Am i over reacting? Does this guy deserve another chance? pregnancy is not all glowing and comfortable feelings there is morning sickness and fatigue to counter act the glowing my ex cheated on me all during pregnancy and after.......so i had license to feel totally useless other than feeling my baby move inside me and my other children, gave me comfort and helped my faith i had good times in there even though i knew he was being unfatihful...i used to talk to the baby .....and want the baby to answer me.....now my babies are grown i need ear muffs to stop them talking to me....im kidding......they talk alot though i have selective hearing now......muuuuuuuuum mummmmmmmmmmmm mummmm are you listening....smilin....no i am not.....lol..... look i know its hard, but you are in a committed relationship that means through the crap and through the good times......so try and get some guidance from a marriage counselor it takes work when you love someone it takes the hard yards to compromise.....relationships are a united front for your kids......or soon to be child...stand united even when you don't agree.....that's what marriage means to me .....two people who decided ok this is my life with this person and i am going to hell or high water.....take the high water......a king tide that will get you through....recipe for a king tide,......storms....life rafts and jackets(counselling is the boat....faith hope love acceptance understanding the jackets everyoen in your family needs one)......eventually still waters among the storms that come your way so keep sailing those seas.....its a trip a journey and its worth the effort.....deb
kasami2k4 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Guys and girls can't be friends. Period. The only time they look for an emotional connection is when there's already an attraction there. He is actively pursuing this woman.
frozensprouts Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 a lot of physical affairs start out as emotional affairs, so it's best to nip this in the bud before it really gets going it's not right that he dismisses your feelings with " you're pregnant/hormonal/whatever"...your feelings are valid. Counseling can help, especially if he hears from a neutral third party that your feelings are not simply the result of raging pregnancy hormones. It sounds like your husband has some issues with boundaries, and counseling may help with that. best of luck to your and your new little one
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