Girlboots Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Well, my guy and I have been back and forth and going through lots of drama. If you want my background read my thread about it. Anyway, I've been giving him distance, and finally I just decided to say hello. We had a friendly conversation and he seemed to be interested in what I had to say until he randomly went off on me for no reason about a misunderstanding. I explained to him what I meant, and he did not contact me for a week. He then messages me and says he doesn't like it when I talk that way (all I said was I was having a little trouble in my life!) and didn't even bother apologizing to me. Well, I'm ignoring it, but I don't know if I should? I've been really trying, and it seems like he's trying too, but he has such a huge ego. I plan on ignoring, but is that the right thing to do when we're both moving towards a better relationship? I feel like ignoring because the response he gave me was unbelievable. You need to apologize right after going off on someone because you misunderstood that, and it really upset me. I'm tired of telling him how I feel and telling him he shouldn't be doing this or that. I feel like he needs to get with the program and he knows better at this point.
Million.to.1 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I didn't read your thread, but you say it's been a drama. Should it really need to be this hard? Bad communication is a deal breaker. Sounds to me like you guys just aren't compatible and conversations to sort things out just become more frustrating for both of you. It could go on like this for ages. Maybe it's time to bite the bullet. 1
Author Girlboots Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Well, I'll just give you a summary of the drama.......... He comes from a bad home, so I already knew he'd have trouble expressing emotion. He's very closed up, but I've been seeing improvement. It happened VERY slowly, but we were making progress. Not enough for me to feel like this relationship was working, so I gave him an ultimatum one day. I asked him if he wanted to make this work or if we should just leave each other alone, and he wanted to make things work. He's been trying, but sometimes he can be a little selfish and cold hearted. We kept going back and forth about it. He SAYS he wants it to work, but doesn't put in much effort. I'm feeling like I'm chasing after him, and once I let go, he comes running back. That's basically our relationship. I'm really leaning towards NC. I feel tired and I feel like I won't have trouble staying away. I used to feel upset and I'd be obsessed with the thought of contacting him again, but right now I just feel fed up and over it.
Appleness Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Girlboots, It's not your job to fix him, or feel sorry that he came from a bad home, had a tough life, etc.... If it's hard now, it will be infinitely harder with you have to live together, share expenses, take care of kids, etc. I think lots of women make the mistake of thinking that we can help a man to change their life and they'll love us in return. Truth is, most of us aren't successful at this because these are the same kinds of men who don't want to help themselves. The women that do succeed get the rude awakening of being dumped because he has everything now and he realizes that he can "do so much better them you." Hence, the term "Starter wives". Bottom line is: love should be beautiful and blissful, not hard and make you age prematurely. You only think he's worth it now because you're so busy chasing him. Stop for a moment and think of yourself. What do you want out of life? Someone who cares and cherishes you? Set and example for the next guy by treating yourself well first. Want a guy who has a successful career? Make sure that you have a good job too. Want someone who will have a good personality? Cultivate interests in yourself that promote your personal happiness. We find people who are mirrors of ourselves. Take some time to reflect and learn from this experience. This guy doesn't sound very healthy. You didn't make him a broken man and you don't owe him to make him better. Take back control of YOUR life first. Good luck 3
Author Girlboots Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Girlboots, It's not your job to fix him, or feel sorry that he came from a bad home, had a tough life, etc.... If it's hard now, it will be infinitely harder with you have to live together, share expenses, take care of kids, etc. I think lots of women make the mistake of thinking that we can help a man to change their life and they'll love us in return. Truth is, most of us aren't successful at this because these are the same kinds of men who don't want to help themselves. The women that do succeed get the rude awakening of being dumped because he has everything now and he realizes that he can "do so much better them you." Hence, the term "Starter wives". Bottom line is: love should be beautiful and blissful, not hard and make you age prematurely. You only think he's worth it now because you're so busy chasing him. Stop for a moment and think of yourself. What do you want out of life? Someone who cares and cherishes you? Set and example for the next guy by treating yourself well first. Want a guy who has a successful career? Make sure that you have a good job too. Want someone who will have a good personality? Cultivate interests in yourself that promote your personal happiness. We find people who are mirrors of ourselves. Take some time to reflect and learn from this experience. This guy doesn't sound very healthy. You didn't make him a broken man and you don't owe him to make him better. Take back control of YOUR life first. Good luck Wonderful advice. I really feel like this has helped me make a decision. Thank you!
NoMoreJerks Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 You only think he's worth it now because you're so busy chasing him. This.........
Author Girlboots Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 I've been still in NC, and he emails me today saying he misses me and regrets the way he treated me and apologizes. I don't know what to do? He's never really done this, and this is a big thing. Its so hard for him to admit he's wrong and apologize, but he did that in the e-mail, so I'm thinking of breaking NC now.
geegirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I've been still in NC, and he emails me today saying he misses me and regrets the way he treated me and apologizes. I don't know what to do? He's never really done this, and this is a big thing. Its so hard for him to admit he's wrong and apologize, but he did that in the e-mail, so I'm thinking of breaking NC now. "He SAYS he wants it to work, but doesn't put in much effort. I'm feeling like I'm chasing after him, and once I let go, he comes running back." Enough said. 1
Author Girlboots Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Lol, thank you. I forgot about that. Things seem pretty complicated from the inside, but when you're looking at it from the outside it's so simple. I'm going to stick to my NC for good. I guess I just needed to be reminded. This guy has me running around in circles and I feel like he thinks he can control me and manipulate me however he wants to, but it has to stop.
geegirl Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Lol, thank you. I forgot about that. Things seem pretty complicated from the inside, but when you're looking at it from the outside it's so simple. I'm going to stick to my NC for good. I guess I just needed to be reminded. This guy has me running around in circles and I feel like he thinks he can control me and manipulate me however he wants to, but it has to stop. Of course he thinks he can do that to you. You teach people how to treat you. You teach him it's okay to do what he does because at the end of the day, you always take him back. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Girlboots, please read the Caliguy No Contact Guide in my signature. I know it's written very much from the perspective of the dumpee, but there is much in there which would certainly help you with the situation.... I read something on here which had a massive impact because it was so dazzlingly, brilliantly true: "Don't elect to be either a victim or a prisoner of someone else's dysfunction." And one I've lived with for a while and I find to be very accurate: "Whatever you put energy into, will grow." Be selective about what you put energy into, because growth - is not always healthy. 1
Author Girlboots Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 I appreciate all the responses here. I've taken a bit of time to think about things, and I really feel like I should give him a chance. Why? Because this is a new relationship and I think this guy has potential. I'm young and inexperienced and I don't want to hold off any longer because I feel like a guy is going to break my heart. Nobody is perfect. He is flawed, but not to the point where I can't handle it. I really like this guy and he has wonderful qualities and him reaching out to me is a big deal, so although I appreciate all the responses on here, I'm going to give it a try and I'll keep this updated. I'm going to wait another week until I respond.
Author Girlboots Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 Tara: Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do? A. The question is: Why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed. If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180. "I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I didi it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?" Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain. I've gotten this from him. I really think NC is for people who are in a toxic relationship and there is nothing positive left in the relationship and all they have to hold on to is past memories. I don't think NC is right for a relationship like mine. It's in the early phases and I feel like maybe this person deserves a chance. I loved the link nonetheless
Dblock10 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Tara: I've gotten this from him. I really think NC is for people who are in a toxic relationship and there is nothing positive left in the relationship and all they have to hold on to is past memories. I don't think NC is right for a relationship like mine. It's in the early phases and I feel like maybe this person deserves a chance. I loved the link nonetheless good for you gb i think thats spot on tbh.
geegirl Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Tara: I've gotten this from him. I really think NC is for people who are in a toxic relationship and there is nothing positive left in the relationship and all they have to hold on to is past memories. I don't think NC is right for a relationship like mine. It's in the early phases and I feel like maybe this person deserves a chance. I loved the link nonetheless "He SAYS he wants it to work, but doesn't put in much effort. I'm feeling like I'm chasing after him, and once I let go, he comes running back." Toxic means unhealthy. There is nothing healthy about your comment above. There is a level of denial you're holding on to, which is called bargaining. Well, it's not so bad and there is some good so I will try again. A relationship can only survive if two people come together and stay together. It doesn't work when both are running in random directions. The definition of insanity is repeating the same things and expecting different results. In any case, I hope this time around things work out for you. Good luck.
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