Do you have a basic set of Principles you try to live by?

[ComingInHot]

Alright, this topic came to me because I was where I shouldn't have been maybe. The OW side. But in my defence, I was there trying to give my support to a couple who have graced me w/theirs**

I glanced at a thread topic that read, "how do you justify your affair". I read the first couple comments and stopped for my own good. It got me thinking though... (I know I know, by now you all know what that means**)

 

I have a set of basic Principles that I live by, I use, for example, the ten commandments as they seem to keep me grounded and from causing harm to myself and others. I apply these Principles to my covenant w/my husband and marriage.

Question: Do you all have a set of Principles you live by (try to live by)? AND do these Principles change for you w/regards to your marriage or do you have a different set for different parts of your life?

 

be gentle...*

[KathyM]

As a Christian, I live by the Ten Commandments, and that doesn't waiver depending on the situation. I don't think it's a good idea to have waivering principles depending on the situation. For example, the commandment "Thou shall not steel". That means in all aspects of your life, not just some. If a person had waivering principles with regard to this commandment, they may refrain from steeling from a store, but think it's OK to cheat on their tax return. If a person believed in the commandment "Thou shall not commit adultery", that means not ever. What good is it to think that you follow that commandment only under limited circumstances, such as that you would never cheat on a spouse, but you see nothing wrong with having sex with a married man when you are single. I think either you live by your principles, or you don't. If you think it's OK to toss them out when it suits your purposes, then what good are they? Then you are not really adhering to those principles at all if they are so arbitrary.

[ComingInHot]

Thank you! I think we are exactly on the same page and from the same book*

 

That's why the post. I feel if I find myself justifying my behavior or not considering others then I need to rethink my actions. It's just not okay to cause harm to myself, family or all others. I am NOT a pacafist by any means and I apply my set of Principles to every aspect of my life. Do I fall short? YES!! but when that happens, I take responsibility for that and use my "sin"/mistake as an object lesson for my children so they can see that NOBODY is perfect but to continue on in a manner through justification is wrong & damaging to not only them but others*

 

As far as my marriage & my husband's affair, my Principles have made a tremendous difference in the recovery process.

 

I don't think I could have been able to forgive FWH & OW w/out applying my principles to my situation.

[Sauron]

Human princples.

[woinlove]

I try to be a positive influence in the lives of others. And I particularly value honesty and openness in those I am close to and strive to return it. I find that alone leads to living my life in a way that I would not care one bit if the details of my life were splashed across the internet or elsewhere, even though I lead a pretty unconventional life (e.g. open M) by most standards. To me that is an authentic life.

[ComingInHot]

Sauron:

I will try my very best to keep my HUMAN emotions out of my response to you...

 

Human Principles. What is your version of human principles? Please list for us so we can get an idea of how you base your decisions within your marriage, OW, OOW...

 

Really, I'd love to read it.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not a religious person (long story) but I try to make decisions of which I will be proud. Kind of a flimsy set of standards, I suppose, but it generally keeps me out of trouble and more importantly, I find that my self-esteem/confidence/worth (whatever you care to call it) suffers few ill effects from continuously making decisions I can be proud of. It also keeps me motivated because sitting around on your butt isn't something you can be very proud of. It generally also helps me to make sure my children can be proud of their father and that I am leading them by example.

 

My fraternity also had the motto (in Latin), Honor Super Omnia which means Honor Before All Things. Not that I live by fraternity mottos but it certainly fit a theme I already had for myself.

 

I fall short of this standard much like anyone falls short of their own (being written in tablets of stone or not) but when I ask myself if I would be proud of a potential decision, the answer is usually pretty obvious.

[ComingInHot]

BetrayedH:

 

Awesome! That tells me that to act w/honor applicable to all aspects of your life sets the stage for you to make decisions that will lead to a life w/less regrets, less apologies to be made, less harm to others, a future of children who will treat others as they would want to be treated*

 

I like that!

[TaraMaiden]

the five main basic principles I live by are -

• Don't hurt anyone or anything that can feel pain, either physically or emotionally.
  
• Do not take anything that is not freely given, and only if the giver has a right to give it.
  
• Do not be immoral or insistent in your sexual behaviour. Respect, dignity and responsibility.
  
• Do not slander, gossip or contrive to be deceitful in your speech. State your truth, and be frank in your speech.
  
• Do not indulge in substances which to excess will cloud your judgement and make you act like a damn idiot.
  

 

Sometimes it can lead a person into trouble, and abiding by principles, and standing by them honourably with integrity, is harder than being relaxed about things. But it feels much better in the end, when you can look the world in the eye, and say, "So far, so good."

[HisGraceisSufficient]

I live by God's principles. I won't live any other way again. My principles fall short.

 

“The national anthem of Hell is 'I did it my way.”

 

 

― Peter Kreeft

[eleanorrigby]

And if it harm none, do what ye will.

[Woggle]

Don't do things to others that you would not want them to do to you.

[ComingInHot]

I like the responses (save one who never seems to elaborate on anything I question) but I am thinking I am only hearing from one side of the fence. Any out there that have Principle/s from another side and how they may or may not change depending on whether it is toward their marriage or OW or...? This is not a "holier than thow" type of post. I'm trying to see what principles are in place for different people that allow or d

on't allow them to engage in infidelity and do they apply those same principles in other aspects of their life as well. I do. I fall short but I strive to abide by my principles*

[Decorative]

And if it harm none, do what ye will.

 

Love that Rede.

 

I would answer the same. I am not religious one whit, but I believe in never knowingly causing harm to another person, and making every choice I can to avoid even accidental harm.

[seren]

I was brought up to believe that I should not do anything that will knowingly cause harm to another. I try, very hard to ensure that I base my actions based upon this.

My father always said that each morning I should look in the mirror and say to myself that I would try to make a difference to at least one person and be the best person I could be, at night I had to ask myself if I had achieved this, if not, why not and what was I going to do the next day to improve. I was also taught to own my own mistakes and take responsibility for my actions. I follow this too, at times to my detriment, but it has been ingrained into how I am.

 

I am a huge believer in informed choice, in that I don't believe that I should use lies or dishonesty to allow me to gain happiness at the expense of another. I try to stick to this. My view is that if I want to do something and know I might be hurt, then that is my choice, but, if those same actions hurt another along the way, then I am robbing them of the same standards I set for myself and that takes away informed choices. It is sometimes a hard road to travel, but it means I can look myself in the mirror and know I have lived to my own yardstick for personal integrity.

[ComingInHot]

Seren:

 

Beautifully stated. I think of things that my own parents did/teach that also directly impacts my choices today*

[2sunny]

I was brought up to believe that I should not do anything that will knowingly cause harm to another. I try, very hard to ensure that I base my actions based upon this.

My father always said that each morning I should look in the mirror and say to myself that I would try to make a difference to at least one person and be the best person I could be, at night I had to ask myself if I had achieved this, if not, why not and what was I going to do the next day to improve. I was also taught to own my own mistakes and take responsibility for my actions. I follow this too, at times to my detriment, but it has been ingrained into how I am.

 

I am a huge believer in informed choice, in that I don't believe that I should use lies or dishonesty to allow me to gain happiness at the expense of another. I try to stick to this. My view is that if I want to do something and know I might be hurt, then that is my choice, but, if those same actions hurt another along the way, then I am robbing them of the same standards I set for myself and that takes away informed choices. It is sometimes a hard road to travel, but it means I can look myself in the mirror and know I have lived to my own yardstick for personal integrity.

 

Yes - this is my code too.

 

My standard is "happy, healthy and safe" - if it's not all of those - then I won't participate.

 

Just those three words alone help me make choices for myself and those I choose to have around me a much easier decision.

 

When/if someone in my life causes me unhappiness - I end that R until things change enough to show that it can be a positive influence on both of our lives.

 

It also keeps me from harms way - by making choices that don't allow others to walk all over me.

 

In my past I have made choices that didn't allow me to feel safe - I don't do that any longer.

[Furious]

Alright, this topic came to me because I was where I shouldn't have been maybe. The OW side. But in my defence, I was there trying to give my support to a couple who have graced me w/theirs**

I glanced at a thread topic that read, "how do you justify your affair". I read the first couple comments and stopped for my own good. It got me thinking though... (I know I know, by now you all know what that means**)

 

I have a set of basic Principles that I live by, I use, for example, the ten commandments as they seem to keep me grounded and from causing harm to myself and others. I apply these Principles to my covenant w/my husband and marriage.

Question: Do you all have a set of Principles you live by (try to live by)? AND do these Principles change for you w/regards to your marriage or do you have a different set for different parts of your life?

 

be gentle...*

 

 

 

The difficulty of having a set of principles and living by them offers no protection from those who mask the same the principles with words.

 

I have learned the hard way that actions speak louder than words and this is my new set of principles.

 

I've also come to realize that those with thin or exchangeable principles are attracted to those that have clear and solid principles. Cheaters want to be married to loyal people, the mother or father of their children are held at a higher standard, and yet, they will cheat risking all this.

 

I will never again have my principles used to betray or harm me, I respect myself and demand the same in return.

[waterwoman]

I have no religious belief although I was brought up in the church. I do beleive that I should live as gently and lovingly as possible - ie I try not to do not do things that hurt others, I live empathetically, I think of other people first. I tend to be someone that people are drawn to and like.

 

However I am beginning to see that make me a sucker, a sap and an idiot. I've suffered from depression on and off for most of my life. H had an affair and although he is back with me and seems delighted to be, he still loves her. And because I am such a sucker I feel sorry for his pain and sorry for her awful life. As well as angry and hurt. I wish I could get my empathy chip removed. It is all so tiring and confusing. It would be so much easier to just hate and hate and hate.

[Sauron]

Sauron:

I will try my very best to keep my HUMAN emotions out of my response to you...

 

Human Principles. What is your version of human principles? Please list for us so we can get an idea of how you base your decisions within your marriage, OW, OOW...

 

Really, I'd love to read it.

 

1. Be empathetic but win.

2. Always outwork everyone else.

3. Don't take advantage of people but stack the deck in your favor.

4. Plan your work, work your plan.

5. The golden rule, he who has the gold makes the rules.

6. Identify the need(s) and meet or exceed them continually. This applies to any type of realtionship, personal, business, friendship, etc.

 

Item 6 is what you were specfically asking for from a realtionship perspective, I think. In my opinion it is really easy to find what a person needs, come up with a plan to meet and or exceed them, and you have a friend or lover for as long as you desire. Humans love having their needs met, and really love having them exceeded. I would say a lot of people stopped meeting their partners needs for whatever reason and end up on sites like this one.

 

If I were to identify with any particular movement or philosophy, I would say it would be human existentialism.

[Radagast]

Question: Do you all have a set of Principles you live by (try to live by)? AND do these Principles change for you w/regards to your marriage or do you have a different set for different parts of your life?

 

I was brought up to take obligation and duty very seriously, and to put others and their needs ahead of my own. "Disce Prodesse - learn to be of benefit". I do still try to live by that although my counsellor did show me that I had taken it to ridiculous lengths and essentially written myself out of my own life, as was manifest in my previous marriage. My affair was my first step towards overcoming that pathology, the first thing I had actually done for myself, purely for myself, although it did also have positive spin-offs for others.

[Sauron]

interesting sauron, i have read your posts and threads took a while. I'd say you're a hedonist and a self-made man who worships his creator. I wish I'd said that but it was John Bright. no offense mate but I just think its fair to let you know i am putting you on ignore, like I did with imperfectionisbeauty. thanks.

 

No offense taken, certainly don't want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable, or waste your time. I would agree that I am somewhat a hedonist, it's very satisfying. Of course if I am on ignore you probably didn't see this. Good luck to you.

[woinlove]

No offense taken, certainly don't want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable, or waste your time. I would agree that I am somewhat a hedonist, it's very satisfying. Of course if I am on ignore you probably didn't see this. Good luck to you.

 

Having been a hedonist, and now not being a hedonist and more connected to others, with deeper love, caring and compassion for others, I would have to say the latter state is much more satisfying. I would not have thought so when I was a hedonist, really didn't realize what I was missing and how much richer and more satisfying life could be. I'm ever so grateful that I was fortunate enough to make this transition. It has really been one of the greatest blessings of my life and I have had many. On the topic of this thread, I think these two states (hedonist and strongly connected to others) does change one's values. For example, I always valued honesty and openness but I wasn't very consistent.

[frozensprouts]

treat people with the same decency and respect that i want and expect to be treated with

 

when given the opportunity to do good work in the world, take that opportunity

 

see the good in the world ( it is out there)

 

don't knowingly hurt someone else

 

some things in life are black and white. and that's okay

 

the world does not revolve around me or what I want...sometimes I have to take a back seat

 

empathy and kindness are positives, not liabilities

 

rationalizing something does little to change the reality of it

 

instead of just complaining about the state of things, it's better to get up off one's butt and do something to make a chnage

 

at the end of the day, I'll only ever have once chance to live my life. I want to know that I've lived it well, done good work, been a good wife/mom/daughter/friend/ citizen and done what I could to make the world a happier, not sadder, place

[ComingInHot]

Can Someone PLEASE tell me where that blasted ignore button is!!!

 

sauron: Again, there are no words. Good luck with that.

 

I really like reading all the different principles people have written.

 

A. We ALL fall short

B. We ALL change but mostly our principles stay the same

C. We ALL strive to follow the principles we have set

 

Sometimes, I feel like a "written" reminder brings me back to a grounded position to then ask myself, "am I abiding by the set principles I SAY I have or have I begun justifying why I don't have to abide by one or more for my own gain?".

 

Looking in the mirror, holding MYSELF accountable, looking at my ACTIONS, am I showing others through my daily activities and marriage that I am living what I proclaim.

 

Sometimes, it's not very pretty or a whole lot of fun, but so worth it if I can make a change for the better**