wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So xMM and I used to work togehter but don't anymore, although we're still in the same industry. There is a big event coming up on Oct 9th that we both attended before. I am going. I represent my company at this event so its not really a voluntary thing, and I also have a couple close friends I get to see there. Of course in the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll go. I don't want to see him because there's still so much hurt and anger towards him. There's a chance he may not go and things will work out fine for me. I could probably dig a little and see if he's going but then I wonder what will that really do for me?? If I find out he's not going, I have no anxiety about me going. If I find out he is going I know I'll start worrying and get anxious about it. Im just confused about what to do. Do I want to know or do I just assume he won't go.
canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So xMM and I used to work togehter but don't anymore, although we're still in the same industry. There is a big event coming up on Oct 9th that we both attended before. I am going. I represent my company at this event so its not really a voluntary thing, and I also have a couple close friends I get to see there. Of course in the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll go. I don't want to see him because there's still so much hurt and anger towards him. There's a chance he may not go and things will work out fine for me. I could probably dig a little and see if he's going but then I wonder what will that really do for me?? If I find out he's not going, I have no anxiety about me going. If I find out he is going I know I'll start worrying and get anxious about it. Im just confused about what to do. Do I want to know or do I just assume he won't go. Could you get a friend to contact him via email and ask if he's going? Why stress yourself out if you don't need too.
MonsterMash Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So xMM and I used to work togehter but don't anymore, although we're still in the same industry. There is a big event coming up on Oct 9th that we both attended before. I am going. I represent my company at this event so its not really a voluntary thing, and I also have a couple close friends I get to see there. Of course in the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll go. I don't want to see him because there's still so much hurt and anger towards him. There's a chance he may not go and things will work out fine for me. I could probably dig a little and see if he's going but then I wonder what will that really do for me?? If I find out he's not going, I have no anxiety about me going. If I find out he is going I know I'll start worrying and get anxious about it. Im just confused about what to do. Do I want to know or do I just assume he won't go. If it's over, it shouldn't matter. Whether he's there or not should be irrelevant. If he's there, ignore him. Simple. Worrying about him gives him control over your life and you don't want that. 5
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Could you get a friend to contact him via email and ask if he's going? Why stress yourself out if you don't need too. I could find out. I just worry of I find out he will be there
woinlove Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Could you get a friend to contact him via email and ask if he's going? Why stress yourself out if you don't need too. I could find out. I just worry of I find out he will be there If you are worried about finding out an affirmative answer, then I think you should find out. Knowledge is better than ignorance, imo, and you can do what you can to prepare. Sounds like you still need more work/time to get over him more completely. 1
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 If you are worried about finding out an affirmative answer, then I think you should find out. Knowledge is better than ignorance, imo, and you can do what you can to prepare. Sounds like you still need more work/time to get over him more completely. I know I need more time and work. If this was 6 months down the road I wouldn't be posting it on her. But unfortunately it's not been that long.
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 If it's over, it shouldn't matter. Whether he's there or not should be irrelevant. If he's there, ignore him. Simple. Worrying about him gives him control over your life and you don't want that. I will ignore him. It is over. I'm still anxious though
canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 If it's over, it shouldn't matter. Whether he's there or not should be irrelevant. If he's there, ignore him. Simple. Worrying about him gives him control over your life and you don't want that. I will ignore him. It is over. I'm still anxious though May I ask why and how long it's been over?
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 May I ask why and how long it's been over? Almost 4 weeks.
ComingInHot Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 woinlove : I think that's the kicker. Wanting More knows it shouldn't matter in her head, but it may still matter in her heart.?. I think w/the depth of her relationship ( genuine or not as it was for her) it could be extremely difficult for her to have to be in close physical proximity to him. It would be for me even after such a long time to be near (or have my husband near) the OW. I don't have an answer for you Wanting More, just support** 1
DBella Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I wouldn't ask anybody anything because you never know if any of those ppl would end up telling him that you were asking about him and you don't want him to think he's all that important after the way he behaved. Since you don't know if he's going or not, assume that he is and get yourself mentally ready to ignore him all the way, just in case he decides to show up. He was an ass so he doesn't deserve any attention, any looks, or anything from you anymore. 1
Fitz Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 If you do go, remember to keep your guard up and expect the unexpected. Assuming that he even shows up AND that you two actually get close enough to embark upon conversation: He may turn on the charm -so to slip into old patterns of behavior. He may give you the cold shoulder -and not even acknowledge you. He may act pissy and aggressive -to establish you as the inferior person. Expect it all and more. 2
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 woinlove : I think that's the kicker. Wanting More knows it shouldn't matter in her head, but it may still matter in her heart.?. I think w/the depth of her relationship ( genuine or not as it was for her) it could be extremely difficult for her to have to be in close physical proximity to him. It would be for me even after such a long time to be near (or have my husband near) the OW. I don't have an answer for you Wanting More, just support** Thank you for your support
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I wouldn't ask anybody anything because you never know if any of those ppl would end up telling him that you were asking about him and you don't want him to think he's all that important after the way he behaved. Since you don't know if he's going or not, assume that he is and get yourself mentally ready to ignore him all the way, just in case he decides to show up. He was an ass so he doesn't deserve any attention, any looks, or anything from you anymore. I won't ask anybody cause you're right, I don't want him to think he's still important to me. I'm trying to get myself prepared. Thanks
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 If you do go, remember to keep your guard up and expect the unexpected. Assuming that he even shows up AND that you two actually get close enough to embark upon conversation: He may turn on the charm -so to slip into old patterns of behavior. He may give you the cold shoulder -and not even acknowledge you. He may act pissy and aggressive -to establish you as the inferior person. Expect it all and more. Thanks did all the scenarios. I guess that's what I'm looking for on here from d everyone. So I can be better prepared if he shows up. But gosh I hope he doesn't.
Ladydrib Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 So xMM and I used to work togehter but don't anymore, although we're still in the same industry. There is a big event coming up on Oct 9th that we both attended before. I am going. I represent my company at this event so its not really a voluntary thing, and I also have a couple close friends I get to see there. Of course in the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll go. I don't want to see him because there's still so much hurt and anger towards him. There's a chance he may not go and things will work out fine for me. I could probably dig a little and see if he's going but then I wonder what will that really do for me?? If I find out he's not going, I have no anxiety about me going. If I find out he is going I know I'll start worrying and get anxious about it. Im just confused about what to do. Do I want to know or do I just assume he won't go. Try to put it out of your mind. There is no sense in worrying about it and by doing so you are investing more of your precious time into the bucket of waste. Easier said than done, I know. Think of him like a potential disease. You know someday you could get diagnosed with a terrible disease, but if you worry about what you would do or how you would handle it, in advance of even getting such news, would that benefit you in any way? No. It just hurts. Put it out if your mind. If you do run into him, act polite but totally disinterested, and move along. Don't give him any of your precious time. Not even by worrying about it.
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Try to put it out of your mind. There is no sense in worrying about it and by doing so you are investing more of your precious time into the bucket of waste. Easier said than done, I know. Think of him like a potential disease. You know someday you could get diagnosed with a terrible disease, but if you worry about what you would do or how you would handle it, in advance of even getting such news, would that benefit you in any way? No. It just hurts. Put it out if your mind. If you do run into him, act polite but totally disinterested, and move along. Don't give him any of your precious time. Not even by worrying about it. That's a great way to look at it. He is a disease. No point in worrying about the unknown. Thank you
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I hope he's worried that you might be there. He should be. I would still vote for you to ignore him as silence speaks volumes all by itself but worst case, you could give him a piece of your mind (keep it away from the work colleagues, of course). I might think that would even be a little bit fun. I think he has more to worry about than you do.
canuckprincess Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Almost 4 weeks. So it's pretty fresh, how long was the relationship and how and why did it end?
MorningCoffee Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Anticipation can bring more torment than the actual event, but preparation can make a huge difference. Here's my suggestion, FWIW: Don't know if you've had any experience with this sort of thing, but you might try the "preparation for adversity" used by athletes, trial lawyers, negotiators -- folks who routinely have to head into situations where they can be sure someone will be trying to undo them -- visualization. Create an imaginary stage in your head, as realistically as you can, for what it might look like there. You've attended this before, so you can make a very realistic setting in your mind's eye. Then place yourself there and play out all the possible scenarios, and feel them as if they're real. Gauge your emotional reaction to each, and try out different ways to respond. "He's there when I arrive. Here is what I do . . . or say . . ." "He's not there. I am talking with ... and then all at once, he shows up. Here is what I do . . ." "He follows me to the lobby. I turn and say . . . " As you develop a response that feels good and empowering, repeat that scenario. Try as many others as you can think up, and find whatever responses keep you in charge of your own equilibrium. Having run through enough mental rehearsals, the real event will probably be easy as can be, as you will have anticipated all the possibilities, including the worst things you can think up. Chances are the reality will be way less daunting than many of those you imagine and conquer in your visualizations. Best of all, you will be prepared. Good luck! 1
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I hope he's worried that you might be there. He should be. I would still vote for you to ignore him as silence speaks volumes all by itself but worst case, you could give him a piece of your mind (keep it away from the work colleagues, of course). I might think that would even be a little bit fun. I think he has more to worry about than you do. I really like the way you're thinking
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 For me, life is too short to go about wondering and worrying if a PAST lover is going to be where I am. If you are TRULY over him, it shouldn't matter to you one way or another. Examine your emotions on why you feel anxious or nervous. Examine yourself to decide if you are really 'over' him. If you aren't and truly feel seeing him would be detrimental to you, then talk with your supervisor/manage and ask them to find someone else to cover you. I am sure there are others who can step in, as none of us are irreplaceable. If you must go, then remember why you are there - to represent your company and that's that. Well to be honest I'm not truly over him. An I going to fall right back in his arms if he says anything to me, NO. But there's still a lot of emotions right now I'm not going to not go, this is a big deal for me to be able to go.
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 So it's pretty fresh, how long was the relationship and how and why did it end? It was a 3 year A that ended with him throwing me under the bus after a 2nd d-day
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Anticipation can bring more torment than the actual event, but preparation can make a huge difference. Here's my suggestion, FWIW: Don't know if you've had any experience with this sort of thing, but you might try the "preparation for adversity" used by athletes, trial lawyers, negotiators -- folks who routinely have to head into situations where they can be sure someone will be trying to undo them -- visualization. Create an imaginary stage in your head, as realistically as you can, for what it might look like there. You've attended this before, so you can make a very realistic setting in your mind's eye. Then place yourself there and play out all the possible scenarios, and feel them as if they're real. Gauge your emotional reaction to each, and try out different ways to respond. "He's there when I arrive. Here is what I do . . . or say . . ." "He's not there. I am talking with ... and then all at once, he shows up. Here is what I do . . ." "He follows me to the lobby. I turn and say . . . " As you develop a response that feels good and empowering, repeat that scenario. Try as many others as you can think up, and find whatever responses keep you in charge of your own equilibrium. Having run through enough mental rehearsals, the real event will probably be easy as can be, as you will have anticipated all the possibilities, including the worst things you can think up. Chances are the reality will be way less daunting than many of those you imagine and conquer in your visualizations. Best of all, you will be prepared. Good luck! I really like this idea. Play out all the scenarios on my head and have my answers ready for each one Thank you
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Go and put him out of your head. Don't go 'looking' to see if he's there. If he approaches you, tell him to turn around and not speak to you. I know it's easier said than done. But, you can do this! Don't let antisipitory anxiety rule you! Your mind is stronger than you realize. Worse case senario? You feel a jolt when you see him. You feel uncomforable and weird.. Ignore those emotions and don't let them overpower you. Take control and tell yourself he just doesn't matter and so what if he's there. Don't let him stop you from going or having a good time.
Recommended Posts