Traci1971 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Hi Everyone, I have a few survey questions/scenarios that I'd like to put out here & get your opinions on...informal of course! 1. Your lover's spouse found out about you & your lover & your lover assured spouse it was over, BUT still continues to see you. Would you still want to see him/her knowing spouse thinks it's over? Would you like the idea that he/she STILL wants to be with you even though the risks are greater? Would the fact that he/she told spouse it was over bother you? 2. If you discovered that YOUR spouse was having an affair & he/she tried to kiss up to you & crawl back for forgiveness (which you did falling for their BS of course ), THEN you found out they(with same person) were still continuing it after he/she SWORE it was over..........Would you take back/forgive/try working it out again with your sneaky spouse?? Would it affect/hurt you more that it continued? Has any of this happened to anyone before? #1 is kind of my situation, I kind of touched on it in my previous posts/replies........claims it's so he doesn't go away with nothing & he's getting divorced. He'd better hope she doesn't know he still sees me every day or he WILL get nothing....................I have the feeling that would really tick her off. She found out end of May(she heard voicemail I left for him & people at work told her), & he hasn't let up on me & is blatant as ever. Some people never learn............ Traci
StartingAgain Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Originally posted by Traci1971 Hi Everyone, I have a few survey questions/scenarios that I'd like to put out here & get your opinions on...informal of course! 1. Your lover's spouse found out about you & your lover & your lover assured spouse it was over, BUT still continues to see you. Would you still want to see him/her knowing spouse thinks it's over? Would you like the idea that he/she STILL wants to be with you even though the risks are greater? Would the fact that he/she told spouse it was over bother you? 2. If you discovered that YOUR spouse was having an affair & he/she tried to kiss up to you & crawl back for forgiveness (which you did falling for their BS of course ), THEN you found out they(with same person) were still continuing it after he/she SWORE it was over..........Would you take back/forgive/try working it out again with your sneaky spouse?? Would it affect/hurt you more that it continued? Has any of this happened to anyone before? #1 is kind of my situation, I kind of touched on it in my previous posts/replies........claims it's so he doesn't go away with nothing & he's getting divorced. He'd better hope she doesn't know he still sees me every day or he WILL get nothing....................I have the feeling that would really tick her off. She found out end of May(she heard voicemail I left for him & people at work told her), & he hasn't let up on me & is blatant as ever. Some people never learn............ Traci In answer to question 1. The lover lied to his/her spouse. I have nothing to do with liars, which is why I would never be anyone's OM. Being an OM/OW is just as wrong as being a cheating spouse. If you want to regain your integrity, you must tell your lover it's over and break all contact with him. Question 2: If you discover that your spouse is having an affair and you decide to try to save the marriage, the first order of buisiness is to determine whether or not the wondering spouse wishes to continue in the marriage. If yes, the wandering spouse sits down and writes a letter (no emails, no phone calls) to the OM/OW telling him/her that the affair was wrong, that it has deeply hurt someone and that it is over. There will never again be any contact with OM.OW and that he/she must not attempt to contact the wandering spouse. The wounded spouse gets to read the letter and approve. They then go to the post office together and mail the letter. You really must accept that you will never see or speak to your OM/OW ever again. The wandering spouse must then agree to marital therapy to comense as soon as possible. He/she must submit to having ever aspect of his/her life closely scrutinized by his/her spouse. This means having all emails read, access to the computer blocked unless the spouse is in the room (just like controlling a child's access). The wandering spouse must agree to be checked up at random. He/she must account for his/her whereabouts at all times and agree to be spot-checked whenever the wounded spouse desires. Phone records will be examined. If you work with your OM/OW, you have to quit and find another job. In other words, you have to submit to whatever the wounded spouse requires to insure that there is no further contact with the OM/OW, and you have to do this as long as the wounded spouse requires. It's the only way you can rebuild trust. This seems harsh, but it is only the start of what you have to do to heal the wound you have caused by your cheating. It's going to take a long time before your spouse fully trusts you gain.
fanou22 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Traci, 1. I don't think you are with MM because his wife does not know. Some OW have feelings for their MM. Being with MM is regardless of his wife knowing and continuing the relationship. It is because of the feelings you have for each other. Now him being a scumbag is a totally different story. The general consensus is if has not filed for divorce then he never will. To answer your second question, I am not married and haven't been so I can't give you an answer. The more posts you read on LS, you see the similarities in MM behavior
StartingAgain Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 fanaou22 hints at it, but I'll say it outight: having an affair with a MM is the stupidest thing a woman can do. The vast majority of them have absolutely no intention whatsoever of leaving their wives. They are out for SEX and nothing more. If they tell you otherwise, and they will -- they'll tell you whatever you want to hear, they are LYING. If he really had such a bad marriage and needs another woman, he'd get out of thebad marriage before going for another woman. If he has problems in his marriage, he would work on those, rather than going out nad having an affair. The very fact that he would risk hurting his wife, his children and his OM, is irretuftable evidence that he's a first rate looser. And what a lot of OMs don't know and it never crosses their minds is that if it's easy to cheat on his wife, it's easy to cheat on you, too. About half the guys I know who screw around do so with multiple women and none of them know about the others. And yet, women make the mistake over and over and over. All of them have convinced themselves thatt they are special to their MM, htat they meet his needs. They couln't be more wrong.
fanou22 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Startingagain, You put it in better words than me. I know I am not doing the logical thing yet by leaving him and I have no excuses for staying in such a relationship. All I can say is each day that goes by I am more determined of doing that (leaving him). I have been trying to understand why a MM cheats and I think we went over all the reasons in my thread. As women we cannot know very much what goes on in MMs heads but I know one thing what women want is attention, attention, and more attention. I am speaking from a single woman perspective. I agree with you that a person should get out of the marriage if it is bad but often times people never do that. It is what I call their security port. How many times does a cheating MM get caught? Often times, what he does is beg and cry for his wife to take him back which she does a lot of the times. I am not saying she should not, it is a personal opinion and it is different from one marriage to another.
Scorpion1691 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 Tracy, I am all about question 2. November 2000, My wife stopped saying she loved me. the same year she wanted me to take the kids to her relatives in Ohio for ThanksGiving. I did not take them we stayed home with our family, January 26, 2001, I found a letter saying a friend loved my wife and asking her if she really ment what she said to him. About 3 months later I found out who it was, It was someone I coached with for 2 years. She said she was sorry, she wanted to TRY in our relationship. February 2002, I found a love poem that the 2 of them wrote over the phone. April 2002 I was given letters , stuffed animal and a cd that was given to him. March 2004 She tried contacting him by phone while being 750 mile away. She contacted me, her girl friend and him. All times she was approached and said she was sorry and wanted to work things out. Yes I am still at home I have 5 kids, 4 still at home. She is still at home. Crazy enough I still love her. No I do not trust her. That I think is my saving grace. She is free to go and do as she pleases, someday her own stupidity will burn her. As for now I get to live with my kids and help spend whats left of the money she does not.
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