tennessee0869 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 My husband and I have been together/married for 23 years. We've had a rocky relationship from the beginning. We dated 4 months when I got pregnant with our daughter. We were both 17. We were "engaged" for 9 years. Looking back over those years, we were trying to discover who we were. We were a couple but we had our issues. Mine was insecurity and jealousy. I was a single mom with 2 kids. I already had a 6 month old when I become pregnant. I didn't know what my life was going to be like. All the things I wanted to didn't matter because I had two other lives to raise. As for him, he was a great dad. He was always around. He came over and took us out and we did family stuff. We didn't live together for a while so at night he'd head back to his home. To me tho, he still had time for himself. He'd go to the club or where ever to hang out with his friends. Over time, I grew to resent that he had more freedom than I did. He never kept the kids alone so I could go out with GF at night. I don't say that be bitter because I have put this behind me. This is the first time in a long long time I've thought about it. We never really had much of a sex life. He said maybe because I got pregnant so quickly in our relationship that it soured him on sex. Sounded a little out there but its his thought about it. Anyways, during our "engagement", we broke up once for 4 months, cheated on each other and got back together, had friends that neither one of us liked the other to be around, so on and so forth. We got married on a whim finally in 1998. A quick justice of the peace marriage with our kids there to watch. So over these last 14 years, it's been pretty much the same. Not much sex, he started looking at dating sites, wanted an open marriage, took naked photos/videos of his friend girl in the bathtub that I have not liked since day one but he says nothing happened, blames me for his lack of recovery from a nerve damage injury (says I didn't help him with his exercises enough) also blames me for his ED ( I wasn't as supportive as a wife should be to encourage her husband to go to the doctor. I suggested he go numerous times and I offered to make appointments but he wouldn't) he intimidates me very easily to the point of when we have an argument, I'll clam up. I won't say anything because whatever I say in my defense/reasoning will be turned around on me. So I find it better to not say anything. Granted, that doesn't help the situation. He's gone through a MLC and mentioned divorce 3 times in 2010/2011. I said I would do whatever it took to help us. He told me he felt like I used him when I got pregnant and that he wasn't sure if he was ever in love with me. He developed 2 EA's during this time and told me that those relationships meant more to him at that time than I did. I should have walked put the foot then but I stayed but so did those comments inside of me. Those hurt me beyond repair and to this day, he says he never said them. That's when I began to change. Everything I cared about with him slowly started to fade. I began pulling back from us as a couple. Our sex life, let alone affection for one another was and is virtually nonexistent. Our only contact is a peck of a kiss goodnight. We sleep in the same bed but I literally hang off the side. We are roommates. I've stopped going places with him like movies or little road trips. Things we used to do together. He's taken notice but that's all. Doesn't try to improve the situation. Just gets frustrated when I say I don't want to go but you go ahead. So, here I am with one foot out them door waiting to pick up the other. If my last 23 years with him have been this roller coaster of ups and downs to the extremes they've been then what's the next 23 years gonna be like? I have given all I can. I love him but I'm not the woman he married 14 years ago and I'm not the girl he started dating 23 years ago. We've talked about all this and he said we either stay married or we divorce. No separation. He doesn't believe people change. He says they should stay exactly who they were. That's bologna! Everyone changes. This may sound like I'm badgering him but that's not my intention. My life has revolved around him and my kids. I've never been alone. I lived with my mom and dad until I was 26 and our family from then on..... I didn't have my time and now that my kids are grown and gone, I can't help but wonder what's that like. I don't want to experience what I missed. I don't know what I missed but I want a future and a large part of me doesn't want it with him anymore. Any advice? Anyone been where I am? Just wanting to hear from others. Thanks!
Yasuandio Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 You asked the right question - what will the next 23 years hold? At 23 years married, that is when my husband and I separated. Our divorce was just final - but the separation went on for almost four years. So, that is 27 years technically married (my life on hold for four years), and 32 years together. These years add up fast. Life is short. I would really analyze his current human behavior. Have you seen it before? Does it tend to repeat itself? We were talking about this subject on the "emotional abandonment" thread. I gave an example of how I changed the pattern - but my different response to his repetitive negative behavior ended my marriage. Why don't you have a look over at that thread. The picture you paint doesn't sound very pretty. Do you love him? He is a blame-shifter, he's gonna have to work on that. Or you are going to have to perceive and respond to his blame-shifting in a different way. This is only one of your problems. But, you have to start with one thing at a time. Lets' see your response to these ideas thus far. Yas
2sure Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Sounds to me like he has not changed, he is still a child. You gotta be done with that.
Author tennessee0869 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Yas, thanks for your reply. I have seen this behavior from him many times before and expect to see always see it. The hard thing about all of this is the time invested. I love him as a person and care for him. I don't have those loving feelings for him as a wife should. I don't think he does for me but he won't admit that he doesn't. I feel that we are together mostly for financial reasons. We don't have sex, we don't kiss, we don't hug, we don't say I love you to each other. For the longest time, that was everything I wanted and I would bend over backwards to make the situations enjoyable. Then when he wasn't sure about things and had his MLC with EA's, that's when everything started changing for me. Now, I'm ready to go. I just have to take the last step.....How did you do it Yas?
Author tennessee0869 Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Coopster, thank you for replying as well. He feels that I should be the person I was 23 years ago. I am still that person in most ways. I don't think your core being changes as you get older. You are who you are just that some of the things you believed in or didn't believe in change. I feel I have been pushed along for a lot of years and now I'm at that point of no more. He is the same a**hole that he was when I met him. He'll tell anyone that he is. He has changed and gotten older in his ways. General things that once were so fun and we loved doing, he doesn't anymore. He's into his things now and the rest are blah to him. He's quick to point out fault in others but hardly ever in himself. it just makes home time more difficult when you don't know if the other person truly wants to be there with you OR they are just doing it because what else are they gonna do.
Yasuandio Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Yas, thanks for your reply. I have seen this behavior from him many times before and expect to see always see it. The hard thing about all of this is the time invested. I love him as a person and care for him. I don't have those loving feelings for him as a wife should. I don't think he does for me but he won't admit that he doesn't. I feel that we are together mostly for financial reasons. We don't have sex, we don't kiss, we don't hug, we don't say I love you to each other. For the longest time, that was everything I wanted and I would bend over backwards to make the situations enjoyable. Then when he wasn't sure about things and had his MLC with EA's, that's when everything started changing for me. Now, I'm ready to go. I just have to take the last step.....How did you do it Yas? I really self--savotaged myself finially - in the end. You can read the end story under the recent post entitled "Emotional Abandonment." But before that, my situation mirrored yours in some ways -23 years married, multiple years of my husband refusing to have sex with me. Me bending over backwards to do everything he wanted - including getting him into a successful franchise restaurant (two years of paperwork for me). Even with that, he went from being a hostile man to a "little Hitler." Years of emotional abuse, and alienation of affection wore of my self esteme, obviously. And it showed on me in other ways, both physically (weigh-gain), psychologically (agoraphobia, depression, anxiety, panic), and heath-wise (suddenly, extremely high-blood pressure). After I returned to the US, I had already dropped 30 pounds without even trying. My companion over in Greece noticed the agoraphobia eventially - and got me out on trips and adventures to things that interested me (like the underground caves, and casles, and ruins). My husband had never really taken me to any sites on our trips - nor answered my questions about the sites I saw. So - being with a kind person, was really such a pleasure - and such a new experience for me. What a contrast. I returned home when I saw my husband taking my name off the business bank accounts. I was very different in appearance, and personality when I arrived home. I think husband was stunned. He had a detective following me over there - and he had just returned himself from the surveillance mission - which was not successul. But the word was out - as these are small towns and word gets around. Once I got home, it was not long before my husband became attracted to me. We were together two days and nights, but he decided we must get the divorce. He could not live with the fact I had destroyed his honor - a cultural thing. In court recently, he said he was an old fashion type of man. I taake it - that means it is ok for the man to have a mistress - and to leave your wife in total lonliness and isolation, and treat her with contempt when she's done nothing but try to please you. Over the last 4 years we've been separated, my appearance has continued to improve. In fact, everytime he has abandoned me, my appearance and psyche tend to go in the right direction. However, after 23 years (and you may want to paay special attention to this point), the shock of his mistreatment that I described in the "Emotional Abandonment" thread had an impact on my mental health. As well, I have some issues with anger management now. This is a new situation for me - I have never been a person to show anger. And then, he blood pressure. So, think about. Another 23 years, of what? I'll tell you the truth - I am scared about what the future holds in the condition I am in. I may look good - but I have some real serious mental health issues, and I must take a lot of medication to keep it under control. And I don't like it one bit. It has taken me a few years to accept that I even have this damn illness. Staying in a bad situation can take it's toll on you - before you even realize it. I think that is what happened to me. I believe I am just now beginning to see the impact of my repressed anger on my health. So, that is how I did it - it was actually done upon me - but, I believe my sub-conscious led me into a situation I could not resist, that would eventually end my suffering through the divorce which has just concluded. Yas
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