rolo Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 I have a little bit of a dilemma. I broke up with my ~3 month girlfriend a few days ago. It was really caused by both of us- she is still getting over a traumatic divorce, and I was cautious in showing her how special she was to me (I won't make that mistake again) as a result. I regret the way things turned out, but I also want to move on with my dating life. I had dated another girl before her, and we got along great, but I was put off by the fact that she seemed "high-maintenance" and she was very large. To put it in perspective, I'm 5'9" 220lbs and my ex is 5'4" 200lbs, so I'm not into thin women. Anyways, this girl has been persistant in showing interest in me, but I've had a reason to tell her no up until now. Now, I'd like to go out with her to help me get in the whole dating swing again, but I also don't want to lead her on since I am not attracted to her. Is there a good way of doing this without being mean or unfair to either of us? We both enjoy each other's company/conversations, so I think we'd both have a good time (non-sexual)...
gd1039 Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Do not lead someone on just so that you feel better about yourself. No one wants to be a rebound. If you do go out with her, just talk about it before hand and make your intentions clear. If she is ok with what you want...then go for it. No point in stringing someone along.
mronederful Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 NOT!! as long as she is aware that it would have to be platonic, you aren't leading her on. who knows dude, you might start to like her. women can tell when they meet a guy in the first ten minutes, i think it takes getting to know someone better before you really know if you are interested just my 2 cents!
Mr Spock Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 No. Don't be a jerk. She's interested in you and can't understand platonic, even if you write it on her forehead,and you could slip up and f*ck her and THEN where would you be?
chicasha Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Do NOT date this girl, if she is interested in you, but you are NOT interested in her. Why even go down that road. You KNOW she's interested in you. And you KNOW you're not interested in her. You will just be leading her on. Its pretty selfish of you to go out with someone just because you want to date around, when you already know you're not into them. Please don't do this. This is one of the reasons why women get hurt, and have no idea what to do when the guy they thought was interested in them suddenly stops calling, etc. I've had this happen to me, and its very hard NOT to have bitter feelings towards men in general, just because one guy did something like this, for his own selfish reasons. While I agree, you should get out there and date, and take care of yourself.....you should also try not to be selfish, and just stop and think about the other person's feelings. Soo..if I can help it, let me try to stop you before you make someone unhappy, lost, confused, and edging on the verge of bitterness. Find someone else who you may be interested in if you want to date around.....and let this poor woman go; let her move on to someone else who will return her feelings of interest. Or else, it will no be fair for either of you. Good luck!
EC Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I agree with Mr. Spock. Sometimes people don't understand platonic. She will be so happy about dating you or hanging out with you that she will agree to anything. She will probably be like oh yeah platonic sure thing...and try to hang out and change your mind. I say get out in the dating game with a fresh start. Someone you dont know and can get to know. (more fun) But don't date this girl out of your selfishness it's not fair.
Author rolo Posted July 26, 2004 Author Posted July 26, 2004 Thank you for your responses. I am going to cancel the outing even though I made her aware it was only a friendly date. Even though we would most likely have fun, I can understand how she might take it another way once we're hanging out. I don't really know what to tell her when I cancel, but I want to be honest with her without hurting her. For some reason, I thought hanging out with her would be nice for both of us, but now I understand the implications of doing so...just needed someone to point them out to me since I'm thinking with my own self in mind right now.
gd1039 Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Originally posted by chicasha I've had this happen to me, and its very hard NOT to have bitter feelings towards men in general, just because one guy did something like this, for his own selfish reasons. That's ridiculous. Any girl that starts "hating" men because of one bad experience needs to grow up. Same thing for any guy that thinks that of girls. I could see being hurt, and more cautious the next time around, but being bitter towards the oposite sex in general is the dumbest thing I have heard. Don't get me wrong chicasha, I am not saying that what you said is incorrect, because I know it happens a lot. But I think anyone that feels that way is just wasting their time. Thats like saying if you got mugged by a (fill in ethnicity) person you would feel bitterness towards the entire ethnic group. Sure, maybe you would be more cautious when you pass them on the street alone since you are scared and hurt over what happened before. But to have trouble being friends with one of them because of what happened and because you have bitter feelings towards them...get a life.
Mr Spock Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 I disagree. I think it may very well only take one experience to make you bitter. I'm pretty sure you only need to be raped or beaten once to become emotionally damaged. Rolo, good for you, and be PERFECTLY honest with her. Say you have no interest in dating her and feel that since you think she's interested you don't want to lead her on.
chicasha Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 GD...i'm sorry if you think my experiences are dumb. But..u know what.....they are what they are. And my feelings are real. Im' not saying I'm bitter at all men, but its not HARD to have a bitter taste in your mouth after someone takes advantages of your feelings for them, for their own benefit. If you think the way I feel is dumb, then I'm sorry you feel that way. Like I said...there's nothing i can do about the way I feel, and I don't think you have any right to judge the way I feel. I'm not doing anything to make you feel bad........ anyways..whatever....I was just trying to help. didn't expect to judged for something I can't control. sheesh.
gd1039 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Gee Mr Spock, its good to know you put leading someone on and raping somebody in the same category. I mean they are so similar that I had to read what you said 2 or 3 times to get the full effect of what a terrible analogy that was. chicasha - Sorry if you mistook what I meant, I may not have been clear enough. For starters, I wasn't directly talking about you, although it can definitly be seen that way and that's my fault. I was judging what you said, not your feelings. I understand being hurt by the situation and having to be cautious in the future, but to hold a generalize and hold a real grudge against the opposite sex is what I meant was ridiculous. I had a bad experience with a old girlfriend of mine a while back. But, instead of being bitter towards girls because of it, I try to learn from it. Don't get me wrong, bitter doesn't even begin to describe how much I loathe this girl, but I certainly don't hold those feelings against any new girls I meet. Sure, maybe I keep what happened in the back of my head, and just kinda watch out for myself so that it doesn't happen again. So, hopefully you can see what I meant when I said to hold a grudge against a group of specific people (be it race, sex, or even age) because of one bad experience is what I think is just stupid. Then again, maybe we have different definitions of "bitter" and it turns out we do agree, just in different wording....
hurricane495 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Uuuummmmmm No its not fair to her would you like it probably not if your not interested in her let her know so she can live her life happy go on a few dates with her. You might find her to be great. I went on a few dates with this girl and at first i wasnt into it but getting to talk to her I found that we had alot in common and a few years later we got married and had a wonderful baby boy ( Of course after 5 years of marriage we are now divorced I didnt see that one coming but thats not the point lol
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