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Affairs: Shifting the Focus from Pain to Intellectual Introspection

LaCurieuse

By LaCurieuse
in The Other Man / Woman

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LaCurieuse Member

LaCurieuse

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One thing that really strikes me as I read through the numerous, endless thoughtful threads of this forum is the time investment some have made to exploring all the facets of an A. Imagine the amount of time some of us spend on LS reading and writing posts, contemplating others' thoughts as well as our own!

 

For those OPs out there that feel interested in replying to the below questions, please do:

 

  • In your situation, did you ever find that posting on LS evolved from initially searching for peace/support/guidance/perspective on your A to more of an intellectual quest to deconstruct and comprehend notions such as As, love, marriage, etc?
  • And if so, is this just a natural part of healing - attempting to intellectualise As in order to take distance and control over them?
  • For any of you, has this analysis of As become an obsession? Almost like the A itself?

If this is completely uninteresting I won't be offended if no one responds! I am running on low sleep! :)

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LaCurieuse Member

LaCurieuse

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Agreed.

 

Do you think your AP spends as much time analysing the A?

Ladydrib Established Member

Ladydrib

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Yes, moving beyond the affair has become an obsession. I want to be over to the point I don't look back, ever again, and I want it in one day. That's why it's become an obsession. I figure the more time I pour into understanding, learning, and moving on, the sooner I'll never even think about it or him again.

Ladydrib Established Member

Ladydrib

Posted
Posted
Agreed.

 

Do you think your AP spends as much time analysing the A?

 

I think my ex AP assumes I'll be back in a few weeks. So he's not worrying about a thing. He's just sitting back, waiting for me to come back, or if it takes too long, he'll throw out a fishing line and try to reel me back in. That's why it's so important for me to get over it asap. I don't want to be vulnerable. I'm working to fix that.

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LaCurieuse Member

LaCurieuse

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Yes, moving beyond the affair has become an obsession. I want to be over to the point I don't look back, ever again, and I want it in one day. That's why it's become an obsession. I figure the more time I pour into understanding, learning, and moving on, the sooner I'll never even think about it or him again.

 

I get it.

 

Do you think there is any corellation between this approach you have and the A itself? For example, are people who have a tendency towards obsessive-compulsive behaviours more likely to end up in affairs (obsessive about AP, obsessive about As in general)? Like a transfer of obsessions?

Ladydrib Established Member

Ladydrib

Posted
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I get it.

 

Do you think there is any corellation between this approach you have and the A itself? For example, are people who have a tendency towards obsessive-compulsive behaviours more likely to end up in affairs (obsessive about AP, obsessive about As in general)? Like a transfer of obsessions?

 

I do. But I was not obsessed with him. I was obsessed with getting out of the affair. I did want to be with him, but not in a deceitful way. I was torn between my feelings for him, and my feelings of being against an affair. That's why to me, the solution was to be together. But the obsession was about finding a solution to exit the affair (whether it be for us to be together or apart).

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LaCurieuse Member

LaCurieuse

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I do. But I was not obsessed with him. I was obsessed with getting out of the affair. I did want to be with him, but not in a deceitful way. I was torn between my feelings for him, and my feelings of being against an affair. That's why to me, the solution was to be together. But the obsession was about finding a solution to exit the affair (whether it be for us to be together or apart).

 

I became obsessed with finding resolution due the conflict you describe and also because I did not want to waste precious seconds of my life in a R that might disappear at any time. Being in an A is like walking on quicksand!

 

Now I find it more interesting to focus on understanding the mechanisms of an A rather than on my own A. It helps me cope and ignore the hurt I feel. I suppose it's all rather obvious, and why you and I are on here! :)

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
One thing that really strikes me as I read through the numerous, endless thoughtful threads of this forum is the time investment some have made to exploring all the facets of an A. Imagine the amount of time some of us spend on LS reading and writing posts, contemplating others' thoughts as well as our own!

 

For those OPs out there that feel interested in replying to the below questions, please do:

 

  • In your situation, did you ever find that posting on LS evolved from initially searching for peace/support/guidance/perspective on your A to more of an intellectual quest to deconstruct and comprehend notions such as As, love, marriage, etc?
     
    My posting on LS has always been more of an intellectual quest and process in self growth and understanding of relationships, self, and notions of As, love and marriage. Reading others' thoughts and experiences and reflecting on my former A and how I think about relationships now has helped me a lot. I didn't actually get on LS while in the A...it had been long done when I came here. I actually joined LS in 2009, originally, to seek support for a breakup I was going through with a single guy I was with after the A. I ventured to these parts quite serendipitously and it caused me to think about my former A in ways I had not before. I think I simply bypassed the A and "moved on", but coming here had me revisit the A and really think about it and truly grow as I looked at it with new eyes and with more self-awareness. It was completely appropriate for me and something I felt was "supposed to happen". I could relate to some of the stories and thought processess ad stayed cause I felt I had stuff to share and to learn from. So again, for me, it has always been more an intellectual/introspective quest versus an active need for support or healing. I was already emotionally removed from the situation when I came here, so most if not all I post was about thought processes or feelings in retrospect versus speaking about active emotions I have now regarding the A.
     
  • And if so, is this just a natural part of healing - attempting to intellectualise As in order to take distance and control over them?
     
  • For any of you, has this analysis of As become an obsession? Almost like the A itself?
     
    :laugh:I can imagine if you're actively going though healing post-A or you're in one, it might be a way to intellectualize to have control or distace. It isn't necessarily the case, but I'm sure it might be for some folks, and they themselves may not consciously be aware of it. I'm not in an A anymore and have healed a while ago,and I actually didn't obsess over the A ending, as I did with the single guy that led me here initially. I can only compare what you're asking to the process I went through with the SG breakup. Post breakup, I spent tons of time intellectually analyzing him and our relationship. It became an obsession....it was so emarassing :o. I checked out all these books in my school library about narcissism, men and love, break ups, I read lots of scholarly articles...I mean I pretty much got a PhD in his issues :laugh:. It didn't help me heal...I stayed stuck trying to figure him out and "help" him. It took me 2 YEARS to get over this breakup, and it was because of my investment in dissecting ad understanding. It seemed like the more I knew I'd magically understand and heal but I just felt like I got sucked down a rabbit hole that was about him, him, him and what was wrong, which kept my thoughts on him. Once I stopped and focused on myself and turned the lens inward versus outward...I started to let go and move on. So maybe for some, that's also how it is. They become invested in learing about As, split self, this issue or that issue MM face, infidelity blah blah and while it isn't totally pointless, as I learned a lot through my obsession :laugh:, after a while it becomes a distraction from yourself and from realizing that you can't control this situation/person through knowing everything intellectually. You have to make choices for yourself vs. get a PhD in all the dynamics of the situation.
     

If this is completely uninteresting I won't be offended if no one responds! I am running on low sleep! :)

 

 

Such a interesting topic. See my responses above. :)

Edited by MissBee
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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Agreed.

 

Do you think your AP spends as much time analysing the A?

 

Great question....I usually think it's one-sided. It's probably rare that BOTH people, in any relationship, not just As, do tons of analyzing. Usually a relationship that requires tons of analysis is a sketchy one and usually one person is more invested in "figuring it out" than the other. Often there is a driver and passenger and often the passenger is the one with more time to analyze.

 

It makes sense that an OW/OM is more likely going to be the one getting the PhD in As versus the MP.

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LaCurieuse Member

LaCurieuse

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Great question....I usually think it's one-sided. It's probably rare that BOTH people, in any relationship, not just As, do tons of analyzing. Usually a relationship that requires tons of analysis is a sketchy one and usually one person is more invested in "figuring it out" than the other. Often there is a driver and passenger and often the passenger is the one with more time to analyze.

 

It makes sense that an OW/OM is more likely going to be the one getting the PhD in As versus the MP.

 

Brilliant! Well said.

 

I love the driver/passenger analogy and hate that I am the PASSenger. It sounds like such a...PASSive role. :D

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted
One thing that really strikes me as I read through the numerous, endless thoughtful threads of this forum is the time investment some have made to exploring all the facets of an A. Imagine the amount of time some of us spend on LS reading and writing posts, contemplating others' thoughts as well as our own!

 

For those OPs out there that feel interested in replying to the below questions, please do:

 

  • In your situation, did you ever find that posting on LS evolved from initially searching for peace/support/guidance/perspective on your A to more of an intellectual quest to deconstruct and comprehend notions such as As, love, marriage, etc?
  • And if so, is this just a natural part of healing - attempting to intellectualise As in order to take distance and control over them?
  • For any of you, has this analysis of As become an obsession? Almost like the A itself?

If this is completely uninteresting I won't be offended if no one responds! I am running on low sleep! :)

 

 

I think introspection can be used to help other people deconstruct their affair i come on here and read about affairs to see if i can give any input to people struggling to share my experiences give a little hope where i can and hopefully help someone analyse or heal......i don't do it to gain anything sometimes a post might make me smile or provide a laugh or two but that is the main reason i come on here its nice when soemone answers my post and says hey yeah i can see that or thanks but i dont expect it its just nice when it happens.....i think your post was thoughtful not at all uninteresting made me feel....introspective....:)even with lack of sleep it was a good post, so kudos to ya....best wishes..deb

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trinity1 Established Member

trinity1

Posted
Posted

Understanding the patterns which are common in EMRs makes it easier to understand your own relationship. Then you can separate the problems which come from it being an EMR and the problems of the specific relationship in question.

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