Kat Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 Over the last couple of months thingsa have been getting 'tough'. My partner has started pretty much ignoring me (not as 'bad' as it sounds). He would wake up and do work leaving me to get the child ready for work (it is agreed I do evenings and he does mornings as he starts work later than I do). He would come home, I would have dinner on the table like a good house wife, get the kid ready for bed. He would come home, eat and then go sit infront of his computer for hours on end. Now he works in IT and works three jobs. I am aware of the need for him to work and have no problem with it most times. It is when I cook, I clean, I do the washing, I constantly have to remind him about things because he is too 'pre occupied'. I almost fell as if I have lost a lover and friend and gained a child. Well anyway, I have told him that lately I have felt completely ignored and that I do all the work around here. That he used to help but lately he doesn't do anything (doesn't even take the plates and bowls from the table and put them in the dishwasher, just finishes eating and back to the compurter). Okay so we have a little background going? Well yesterday we were driving and about to go get the child more videos from the store. We had to go home first to get ones to return. He decided that he needed to stop of to go to the loo. So we did. 10 mins later the child comes in and tells me that he is 'talking with the phone'. I get the videos, child and keys and tell him that I will take her. His response 'Wait for me' I said how long will you be and he said 5mins. So I went back to waiting. In the car I was pretty much sour faced. He told me he didn't see the issue and didn't understand why I was so annoyed. I said that we stopped off FOR HIM and then he decided to make a call for 10mins. I said that I was sick of him being so selfish. He commented that he still didn't see how making a phone call wasn't that big of a deal and that he still didn't understand why I was so annoyed. My response 'Well you try being your slave for 3 years and see how much you enjoy it' his response was a soft 'I will pretend I didn't hear that'. Well that was yesterday afternoon and it is now 9am the next day. He didn't come to bed until well after midnight and we haven't spoken since. *sigh*
soapoperahaven Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 well i kinda think you were overreacting myself if he is working three jobs then you should cut him some slack im sure he doesnt enjoy working all the time to take care of you so maybe you should cut back on the slave comment cause he is working hard to make you money if you dont like that then maybe you should get another job so he can get rid of one of his
Kat Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 What do you do when you have to go out in public, but you can't even handle being with yourself right now I found an email from and to his ex. It now has me in tears and I just want to curl up. How can people not realise things said can hurt other people edit and as for his 'three jobs'. He works two jobs which equal a fulltime job. The third is one he started with friends and all he currently does is weekend work and 'research' on his computer. and we are worse off money wise since he started working more.
soapoperahaven Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 well i dont know what more to tell you than it is time to move on
Kat Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 I am not moving on. Just because an email made me cry doesn't mean it is time to throw away a 3 year relationship. It was what was said and how it was said that upset me. It wasn't because it was filled with 'Last night was great's
Kat Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 I know that the situation is half the size I am making it out to be and probably about 5 times smaller than my heart is making it out to be, but that doesn't stop me from hurting. I don't like being taken for granted and I sure as hell am getting sick of every time he has contact with his ex, he puts his foot in it and then complains that I am paranoid. The annoying thing about relationships is as soon as you start the 'I am right they are wrong' stance, you have lost. I so want to be right, but I know that he is right in a way as well. My main annoyance is that he ignores me and doesn't bother talking about it. Living in the same house as a human being who isn't talking to you is hard, but it being your partner and someone you sleep 5cms away from makes it even harder. I rang him after I found the email and asked if I was reading too much into it he said I was and my response was 'I just had to ring and check' (he always gets annoyed that I attack first ask questions later so I tried a different angle) But yeah, one 1 min telephone convo in over 24hrs is getting way too much *sigh*
befuddled1 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 When people stop paying attention and making an effort, it's usually because they're just not that happy in the relationship. I know you don't want to read this, but I'm being straight up. I remember your history here, Kat ... how you 2 had lived together briefly years ago, it didn't work out, he wasn't happy, he moved out and he went back to living at home, and you went back to living with your Mom and brother (along with your little girl). He kept telling you that he was going to buy a house and that when he did, he'd consider letting you and your daughter move in with him. Time kept passing, and you were growing more and more frustrated at the fact that he wasn't showing any effort to get a house or have you live with him again. This was a great bone of contention for you, and you posted here about it on many occasions. I also remember him telling you (as per your post) that he could never see himself getting married, and that hurt you a great deal, and he just basically always seemed to ambivalent and non-committal. Although you'd been dating for a significant period of time, when he bought his house, he didn't want your name on the title/mortgage, and if I recall correctly, he didn't want you helping with any of the payments (which some of us saw as a "red flag"...). From all you've posted about him, from his continued contact with his ex girlfriend ... with his lack of eagerness, from a long time ago (that's the impression I've always gotten), to have you and your daughter move in ... to his distance now, which seems quite calculated to me (versus him just being dense) ... it would seem to me that maybe he doesn't like the arrangement, and is having mixed feelings about your relationship/situation. The fact, too, that you're obviously checking his e-mail (how else would you have found an e-mail from or to his ex?), shows a continued lack of trust and insecurity on your part. Overall, it just doesn't sound like a good solid relationship that's built on mutual trust and commitment and effort. Now as for your complaint that he doesn't help around the house ... well, no offense, (I'll probably get flamed by any feminists reading) but if you're not working outside of the home, and he works a full time job out of the home including a part-time one (with his friends), what's the big deal with cooking and cleaning? That's part of life, I'm afraid to say. In the grand scheme of things, whether he puts his dishes in the dishwasher or not, I think you've got deeper problems here, and that's just a symptom. I personally think you've been clinging to this guy for a very long time ... and you wouldn't even know how to let go and move on even if you wanted to. The trust issues have been a longstanding problem for you. I'm not really sure what kind of solutions you're asking for, I know from past experience with your posts that you become easily upset with things you don't like to hear (read) ... so, that being said, I guess you'll just have to suck it all up and accept things as they have been and continue to be, or make some changes and put your foot down and leave the relationship. You could suggest couples counselling, but short of that, I don't see things improving, given the longstanding history of problems here.
Kat Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 Originally posted by befuddled1 When people stop paying attention and making an effort, it's usually because they're just not that happy in the relationship. I know you don't want to read this, but I'm being straight up. That or they have other things on their mind. I remember your history here, Kat ... how you 2 had lived together briefly years ago, it didn't work out, he wasn't happy, he moved out and he went back to living at home, and you went back to living with your Mom and brother (along with your little girl). It was actually me who left and moved out. He kept telling you that he was going to buy a house and that when he did, he'd consider letting you and your daughter move in with him. Time kept passing, and you were growing more and more frustrated at the fact that he wasn't showing any effort to get a house or have you live with him again. This was a great bone of contention for you, and you posted here about it on many occasions. Sure was, but more the 'saying one thing doing another' issue. I also remember him telling you (as per your post) that he could never see himself getting married, and that hurt you a great deal, and he just basically always seemed to ambivalent and non-committal. Well that has changed, but we are in no rush to get married Although you'd been dating for a significant period of time, when he bought his house, he didn't want your name on the title/mortgage, and if I recall correctly, he didn't want you helping with any of the payments (which some of us saw as a "red flag"...). He never said he 'Didn't want my name on it'. He said he wanted to do it by himself. As for 'repayments' we have gone too far to bother with 'His money, my money' and we both contribute to everything. From all you've posted about him, from his continued contact with his ex girlfriend ... with his lack of eagerness, from a long time ago (that's the impression I've always gotten), to have you and your daughter move in ... to his distance now, which seems quite calculated to me (versus him just being dense) ... it would seem to me that maybe he doesn't like the arrangement, and is having mixed feelings about your relationship/situation. He does like the arrangement. Very much actually He just has a habit of not thinking. The fact, too, that you're obviously checking his e-mail (how else would you have found an e-mail from or to his ex?), shows a continued lack of trust and insecurity on your part. Overall, it just doesn't sound like a good solid relationship that's built on mutual trust and commitment and effort. We don't hide anything from each other and I wasn't actually looking for an email from the the ex. I just happened to come across it. Now as for your complaint that he doesn't help around the house ... well, no offense, (I'll probably get flamed by any feminists reading) but if you're not working outside of the home, and he works a full time job out of the home including a part-time one (with his friends), what's the big deal with cooking and cleaning? That's part of life, I'm afraid to say. In the grand scheme of things, whether he puts his dishes in the dishwasher or not, I think you've got deeper problems here, and that's just a symptom. Actually I work full time. If I was a housewife I wouldn't have an issue. But I work the same hours as him (away from home) I personally think you've been clinging to this guy for a very long time ... and you wouldn't even know how to let go and move on even if you wanted to. The trust issues have been a longstanding problem for you. My issue with the email is that he said something he should of and he did so because he doesn't think. Not because he actually meant anything by it. Hard to understand I know. I'm not really sure what kind of solutions you're asking for, I know from past experience with your posts that you become easily upset with things you don't like to hear (read) ... so, that being said, I guess you'll just have to suck it all up and accept things as they have been and continue to be, or make some changes and put your foot down and leave the relationship. No leaving... no leaving. I like this one too much You could suggest couples counselling, but short of that, I don't see things improving, given the longstanding history of problems here. A courple can't have a arguemnt once every 6 mths? Since when has arguing like two level headed mature adaults (in some way, the ignoring isn't very mature). We dont name call, we don't threaten, we do turn violent. Not everything is 'perfect' in a relationship.
missy3 Posted July 26, 2004 Posted July 26, 2004 You referred to "the child" or "the kid" in your first post and I take it that's your daughter, is she his daughter too? I'm a bit confused. In any case I think you might want to be a bit more careful with how you're handling things. You're working a full-time job and contributing to the household finances, but the house is in his name only, and the two of you don't keep track of whose money is whose, and who is paying for what? I know it's common practice today for couples to live together and not be married but if you two do split up you'll have no legal claim to his property. If you've been paying for daily necessities for you both while he's been handling his mortgage payments you're basically subsidizing his mortgage. Your last post makes out that things are really just fine between you and your boyfriend, but it sure doesn't sound like that in your first post. You're the best judge, of course, but I still think you ought to be a bit more careful to make sure that having a roof over your head and your daughter's head doesn't depend upon your relationship with your boyfriend working out. Otherwise you're going to downplay problems and insist that all is well, or at least "fixable," when perhaps it's not. It kind of sounds like that's what you're doing right now. Good luck!
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