Leaving behind the 'could've been' girl... .

[MrUniversal]

This will be a long post wasn't sure where to post it. I apologize in advance but also thank you so much if you take the time to read it and offer any input.

 

I'll start off by saying I'm a guy who's been happily married for 5 years. I'm very much in love with my wife and I still get those moments that I'm just struck by her and my love for her grows deeper. That said, I've got an issue. I'll explain and hopefully someone has advice from experience.

 

So about a year before I even proposed to my wife I met this girl at work. Anonymity affords me the luxury of being entirely honest so I can say that the girl was/is amazing. She got my humor and actively threw the same type back, she understood me, we shared many views, she was intellectually up on my level. We quickly became pretty good friends at the work place.

 

We spent enough time in proximity that we began talking about those dangerous things that generally you shouldn't when one of you is in a relationship, or in this case both of us. She was married and by this point I was engaged. She talked me through my wedding jitters and I talked her through (as best I could, not very well in my opinion) her failing marriage and eventual divorce. We became a bit emotionally connected. We had the chemistry.

 

Eventually we nearly had a one night fling. I can still remember it vividly as we were less than inches from eachother and all it would've taken is one of us touching the other to set the rest of the evening in motion. We didn't though, I left her place that night, and we gave ourselves some time to cool off. We later both admitted to the other that we had wanted them to make a move. We had the spark.

 

After a bit I got married and we gave the relationship space. She didn't want to cause issues in my marriage and I wanted her to have some space to re-establish her own identity after her abusive marriage had ended. I know I had real feelings for her and believe she did for me also, but neither of us ever spoke of it. A short time later a close friend of mine confirmed that he saw it too from an external view when I was explaining the trouble I was have getting her out of my head.

 

I've come to realize I still have a small candle inside for this girl. I genuinely care about her because she is a great person. Her sister is a photographer and the girl herself is ABSURDLY photogenic so I see her picture a reasonable amount. My heart warms when I see her smile and when I hear that something has gone her way in life. She's moved half way across the country but has come back a few times. There are those hugs that last just a moment longer than they needed between friends and the looks into the other's eyes that say "I missed you." without actually speaking.

 

I can't exactly reach out to her to say "I need to find a way to bring about closure on what we never started.", especially without risk of emotional entanglement and I also don't want to be as presumptious to say that she still feels the same.

 

I feel like I'm shorting my wife by carrying this. I don't know if there is a way to resolve this as a personal issue and thus I am here for advice.

[january2011]

I'm concerned that you proposed and then married your wife despite all this emotional investment in another woman.

 

If you haven't done so already, I think that you need to cut off all contact and ignore any attempts on her end to maintain the communication between the two of you. Or accept that the feelings are just too strong and admit defeat - divorce your wife so that you can really try to make a go of it with this other woman.

 

Finding someone else attractive other than your partner can be a normal response. But allowing yourself to get into situations where your fidelity is shaken spells bad news.

 

Something is missing from your marriage and indeed your relationship with your wife, even before you got married. Which is why it's disconcerting that you proposed and married her in the first place. Thus drawing her further into this tangled web.

 

It might be worth investigating individual counselling to unpack all this. I think you really need to decide if you want to save your marriage or actually scratch that itch that you've had for 6+ years. You are in love with this other woman and can't compartmentalise these feelings. In fact, you've given into these feelings by allowing yourself to get into an EA. Just because those feelings haven't been consummated doesn't mean that you're in the clear. So, yes, therapy and cutting off contact - if indeed, you really do want to save your marriage.

[woinlove]

I'm concerned that you proposed and then married your wife despite all this emotional investment in another woman.

 

If you haven't done so already, I think that you need to cut off all contact and ignore any attempts on her end to maintain the communication between the two of you. Or accept that the feelings are just too strong and admit defeat - divorce your wife so that you can really try to make a go of it with this other woman.

 

Finding someone else attractive other than your partner can be a normal response. But allowing yourself to get into situations where your fidelity is shaken spells bad news.

 

Something is missing from your marriage and indeed your relationship with your wife, even before you got married. Which is why it's disconcerting that you proposed and married her in the first place. Thus drawing her further into this tangled web.

 

It might be worth investigating individual counselling to unpack all this. I think you really need to decide if you want to save your marriage or actually scratch that itch that you've had for 6+ years. You are in love with this other woman and can't compartmentalise these feelings. In fact, you've given into these feelings by allowing yourself to get into an EA. Just because those feelings haven't been consummated doesn't mean that you're in the clear. So, yes, therapy and cutting off contact - if indeed, you really do want to save your marriage.

 

I agree with this and to the bolded I would add that you have chosen to let the EA continue and grow by feeding it with your thoughts. If you want to stay married, therapy can help you recognize this and to refocus on your wife and marriage. But the fact that you basically married with deception - I would certainly consider it a betrayal if my H felt as you did about another woman when he proposed to and married me and kept that secret from me and then continued to secretly feed this with thoughts - means you might want to reconsider your marriage. My H and I discuss all our attractions to others, as openness feeds intimacy and secrecy tends to kill intimacy. Nothing wrong with feeling an attraction - it is all about what you do and think and share with your spouse, once you feel that.

[MrUniversal]

Firstly thanks for the replies. Yeah, I have dropped connection with the other gal. As mentioned, it was a mutual thing. Truly I hadn't thought of her in a couple years without either someone else bringing her up or her physically showing up. I had a dream that involved her last evening (she was driving a space car thing from that one 007 movie, my dreams rarely make sense) and it brought up old memories and also spooked up old feelings of guilt.

 

Regarding my wife- We've talked over it. She has told me she doesn't care about what happened before we were married because I've also told her I don't care. I love her and we are together despite anything previous. She knows I had choices and knows I don't make committments recklessly or dishonestly. She's an amazing woman and knows that I am my harshest judge. She has released me from anything, but I carry guilt for years, even over small things. She has told me many times that the my feelings of guilt over things I have almost done are bigger trouble than the things I could be held accountable for actually having done.

 

I came here a bit panicked that I was slipping back but after reading your posts and thinking about them for a bit I realized:

1) I don't think she's ever coming back. I know people who hold out hope like that and that is a sign of bad situation. I don't behave like them.

2) I don't desire her return. She doesn't have a place in my life. I'm happy with my life and last time I even heard someone talk about her she seems happy with hers also.

3) I over-reacted in my desire to have put distance between then and now, but my memory is far more tenacious than that of others. The memories will always be with me (barring some sort of brain injuy) having them doesn't necessarily mean I'm wanting to relive them.

 

I panicked and remembered only the things that cause me to doubt myself. Now that I think back I remember I chose to reign in reckless emotional decision making because I knew it would be ruinous for myself and both women. The initial meetings have been overly warm, but ultimately end up cool and at polite distance. I remember that towards the end I deliberately chose to simply be an honest friend rather than an emotionally intimate one. That friend who said he saw something that could've been between us also told me he thinks I chose the right woman and that we all wonder 'what if' occasionally but its only lingering that makes that dangerous.

 

That relationship is the biggest mistake of my life. I punish myself for things that nearly happened or things that nobody else cares about while ignoring those right things I have done and the good decisoins I have made. The memories stay because I'm unable to let go of the guilt. It is the guilt I should truly find a way to let go of.

 

Thanks again. Sometimes it helps just to have somebody bounce things off of you to talk it out.

[woinlove]

Firstly thanks for the replies. Yeah, I have dropped connection with the other gal. As mentioned, it was a mutual thing. Truly I hadn't thought of her in a couple years without either someone else bringing her up or her physically showing up. I had a dream that involved her last evening (she was driving a space car thing from that one 007 movie, my dreams rarely make sense) and it brought up old memories and also spooked up old feelings of guilt.

 

Regarding my wife- We've talked over it. She has told me she doesn't care about what happened before we were married because I've also told her I don't care. I love her and we are together despite anything previous. She knows I had choices and knows I don't make committments recklessly or dishonestly. She's an amazing woman and knows that I am my harshest judge. She has released me from anything, but I carry guilt for years, even over small things. She has told me many times that the my feelings of guilt over things I have almost done are bigger trouble than the things I could be held accountable for actually having done.

 

I came here a bit panicked that I was slipping back but after reading your posts and thinking about them for a bit I realized:

1) I don't think she's ever coming back. I know people who hold out hope like that and that is a sign of bad situation. I don't behave like them.

2) I don't desire her return. She doesn't have a place in my life. I'm happy with my life and last time I even heard someone talk about her she seems happy with hers also.

3) I over-reacted in my desire to have put distance between then and now, but my memory is far more tenacious than that of others. The memories will always be with me (barring some sort of brain injuy) having them doesn't necessarily mean I'm wanting to relive them.

 

I panicked and remembered only the things that cause me to doubt myself. Now that I think back I remember I chose to reign in reckless emotional decision making because I knew it would be ruinous for myself and both women. The initial meetings have been overly warm, but ultimately end up cool and at polite distance. I remember that towards the end I deliberately chose to simply be an honest friend rather than an emotionally intimate one. That friend who said he saw something that could've been between us also told me he thinks I chose the right woman and that we all wonder 'what if' occasionally but its only lingering that makes that dangerous.

 

That relationship is the biggest mistake of my life. I punish myself for things that nearly happened or things that nobody else cares about while ignoring those right things I have done and the good decisoins I have made. The memories stay because I'm unable to let go of the guilt. It is the guilt I should truly find a way to let go of.

 

Thanks again. Sometimes it helps just to have somebody bounce things off of you to talk it out.

 

Sounds like you are clear in your commitment to your W and don't plan on letting any feelings for this other woman harm that. Still, counselling could help you sort though the guilt and any other feelings that bother you. If you want to stay married through the decades, there will be stressors and while I don't think having some questions/doubts at times along the lines you described is a problem if you always keep open and honest communication with your wife, if you slip up on the communication it could turn into one. So counselling could be an investment in the future.