rubystarr Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Here is my story: Me and my ex were together for a year and a half, we lived in a house together, we have never had a fight. I have three sons that love him to deaht and he loves them. I felt like our relationship was so special because we seemed so in tune on every level. We share the same basic beliefs and values, we told each other that we were best friends. It was really great. However i have insecurity and anxiety issues, due to my whole entire previous life before him having been abusive and chaotic. I was tryin to help myself tho, i have went to a couple of different therapists and tried a few medications, this just takes time to find the right solution for me. So i would talk to him about all my fears and anxieties, my concerns. I did have some trust issues and i know most of that was my own problem, but they were spurned on by some of his actions. Throughout the course of our relationship i would get such strong gut feelings that something was goin on, and i would look at his texts to see if i was just being crazy or if something was going. YES that was wrong of me, it never made me feel any better. But part of that was due to the fact that i would see messages where his friends would say things about me, making fun of me, asking when he was gonna dump me so they could the single guy kind of stuff again. He never defended me, even antagonized it a little bit. But im not the kind of person that likes to sit and stew on things, or keep my emotions under wrap. so i would admit to him what i had found and he would say his friends are just dicks and he doesn't want to look 'gay' in front of them, so he kinda just goes along with it but it doesnt mean anything. And also, he is from a small town about 2 hours away, and fairly often throughout the year on his days off he would go stay a few days at a time down there. he always talked about how much he likes it. So as me being a woman, knowing his friends are all dicks who are constantly looking to hook up and try to bring him in on that behavior, and the fact that he never wanted to include me in anything made me feel insecure. However i really tried not to make a big deal out of it, telling myself its important for guys to have friend time and that if he loves me he wont do anything wrong. But he wouldnt hardly talk to me at all while he was gone, and i will admit that even tho i regret doing it, i expressed my insecurities over all these issues to him. I never bitched or nagged, but i have panic attacks and im sure that was hard for him to deal with. after a little panic attack of mine i would tell him im so sorry, i know i should just trust you and im so sorry i put you through all that crying and having to reassure me. I DO KNOW that it wasnt right for him to have to be my 'therapist' pretty much. but he would always say it didnt bother him at all, and he wanted to listen to me and make me feel better. so i believed him!! all this makes it seem like our relationship was just me being insecure and panicky all the time, which i was insecure, i admit it, but that was actually just a small part of our time together. i believe we really enjoyed the majority of our time together. He paid most of the bills, i go to school and work part time and take care of all the house stuff. And my kids stay with their father most of the time, so it wasnt like that was a constant thing for him. Also i just want to point out that while we never had fights and he had to deal with my anxiety, i had to deal with a few of his own little 'quirks' that i didnt exactly love, but hey im not looking for perfect. i could easily accept those things as part of getting the rest of him that i really loved. Well one day, i mean literally one day things were happy and perfect, he even said he would love it if my son called him dad, and the very next day i noticed he was being soo distant and i asked if everything was ok, and out of the blue he broke up with me, said he doesn't know if he's ready to be in a commitment anymore....WTF?!!? i was floored, stunned beyond belief. he said he loves me more than he loves anything in the world, he has been so happy with me and im the first person he has ever been in love with, but he is worried he might regret settling down so soon. I was beyond devastated, crushed, i mean my heart ripped out and murdered. he said he wants to be able to do what he wants without 'worrying' about me. that we were practically married and he has never really wanted that. I had to continue living with him for 2 months until i could afford to move out, so we said we would just continue on the relationship until the day i moved out. which was incredibly painful for me. So this is crazy, but i found a place right next door i absolutely fell in love with. THE ONLY REASON i took this place is becuase him and his roommate are supposed to be moving very soon (who by the way, they had planned for him to already be moving here before i ever even knew we would be separating!!) I didnt want to give this place up when they are supposed to be moving a month after i have been here. Ok well since i have moved out, he finds reasons to come over here. He cries to me, which is so crazy because he is the most laid back easy going guy who is not really emotional at all. So he comes over and cries, he misses me, he still loves me so much, more than anything he says. But that gets confusing for me!!! then he says he just needs more time. So ok i tell him well i cant just be youre friend that is too much for me, and i tell him we just cant talk or hang out because its too hard. he agrees and says that he cant just look at me as a friend anyways. so i dont text him or anthing, even tho i want to soooo badly. and it lasts for a day or two at a time before he just comes over, to see the kids or for one excuse or another, and ends up crying a little, hugging me and telling me he misses me. yet he still does not want to get back together. What the **** is happening, i dont understand and i cannot move on while he is doing this. I am so weak to him when he comes over tho, i wont sleep with him of course, but i start talking to him. I will start feeling a little stronger and then it just gets tore down and im back at square one. I am completely in love with him, i truly believe he loves me also very deeply. Im just taking this situation for what he said it is, its not about finding other girls and hooking up, he has never felt the need to be in a relationship until he was with me. He is just young (23, im 25) immature, all his friends are single and egging him on. hes confused. Ok so my question is, should i harbor the hope that we will reconcile, WHILE also trying to move on. should i just be done with this and move on and not even think about getting back together? if it seems like we may still have a chance to be together, what do i do, no contact, or just try and stay somewhat present in his life (not texting all the time and being all emotional, i mean just try and keep things friendly and light) Should i be strict with the whole no contact thing, im very confused over that. I dont want to lose him, my hope when doing no contact is that he will see that hes not just that young guy anymore who doesnt have anyone to care about, and see that life is better with me than without me and whatever he may be 'missing out on'. we got real deep with each other. the no contact thing kills him, its very obvious, and it kills me too. i just dont know what else to do!! but i cant just be his friend. whoever actually reads all this and responds, oh my goodness im so grateful. the only advice i can get is theres other fish in the sea, or do no contact and he will come running back. whatever! i just want some more outside opinions, please!!!
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Do you suspect that he cheated on you prior to breaking it off with you? Have you managed to fully grasp why it is he ended it?
Author rubystarr Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 i dont think that he cheated on me, and i guess i just take the break up as for what he said, he said hes just not sure, that he knows he might regret breaking up with me, but he also might regret not breaking up with me. that sounds stupid to me, but those are the only kind of things he says.
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