hellodearest Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) Hi, I've been here a couple times before. The last time was with the same girl, and we had a six month reconciliation, and here I am again. We were broken up about a month last time, where I did NC, then LC, then we reconciled. I'll sum up our relationship real quick - I'm 26M she's 25F, we've been together almost two years. We've always had this issue where she felt like she had doubt about our relationship, though she wanted to hang out with me all the time and loved me. Sex is great, conversation/social life is great. I'm successful in school and will be a health professional in two years, she feels a bit lost in life, and had moved across the country with me while I attend school. She works as secretary in a hospital. She enjoys her job, but still feels... lost. We had a small argument last night, and after resolving our argument, I asked her "Are you truly happy?" to which she replied "I mostly am." and expounded that she knows I am so great to her, and loves my company, but there's a tiny piece of her heart that feels doubtful about everything. She feels like she's too young to have to force any part of a relationship and doesn't want to end up in a loveless marriage ten years down the line. She has mentioned though that as we grow closer and closer, she loves me more and more, but at this time, there's still doubt in her mind. Recently, she had been talking about babies and marriage, and had almost extinguished this doubt. It wasn't until I sat her down and had her analyze her feelings did she realize she had this doubt and that it may have been nagging at her off and on recently. She said she wanted to stay together because she knows that I have done so much for her and care about her so much and that she's scared to lose me. I told her that I didn't want her to settle, and that if it's been this long, and she's still unsure, that it would be best to end things. She said that she was afraid all this was within herself and had told me that she wasn't completely satisfied with who she is. To which I replied that she needed to find peace to truly love someone. We broke up that night and I took her home. She cried the whole time and we hugged and told me how much she loved me but she agreed with the break up. I told her that I would not be talking to her any longer, and to take care. I'm scared I made the wrong decision - do some people take this long to fall completely in love? Our relationship felt very different in the past, and that morning I would have said my relationship felt the best it ever has. I'm pretty broken right now and it was good to get that out. If you guys want to comment on this, it would really be appreciated, and I would to hear your thoughts. I think NC is definitely a good place to start for the first couple days to get our heads on straight, but in the long term, honestly, we were really great together and I (not assuming) know that we both would like to stay together because we were inseparable. This break up was really abrupt and honestly neither of us expected it. LC will probably happen in the following weeks even if it doesn't go anywhere. Edited September 22, 2012 by hellodearest
yoman38 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) hey my man I think you made the right choice.The way I feel is that if someone is having doubts for so long in a stable and good relationship then they really have little to do with the relationship and the other person and more to do with the doubter. She's probably just afraid that there's something in life she's missing and that committing right now may lead to her unhappiness due to lost opportunities. Truly what this means is that she wasn't wholeheartedly involved in the relationship. Because she was wondering what am I missing the whole time? What else could I be doing right now, Omg maybe I would be in a better relationship with other guys etc. And honest to god there is nothing wrong with that except that it's unfair to you. And she should have been more adamant about her feelings from the start and had the courage to set you free so you could go out and pursue someone who really wants to be w/ you. But, the fact that you did it so briskly and with such strength I compliment you. I think you 100% (with no uncertainty at all), did the right thing. And shouldn't look back it seems you have a lot in your life and as a person that will make you a great mate for many others. Don't waste your time on people who aren't sure, be with the people who really want to be with you. Take care oh and I think right now would be an awesome time to go NC and try to eventually start dating (I don't recommend getting into anything serious at the time though) other girls just to see what's out there. Edited September 22, 2012 by yoman38
Author hellodearest Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Thank you Yoman. I needed some sort of affirmation, everything was so abrupt. She is emotionally unstable and knows it. She does a really good job of keeping it under control, but with relationships, emotions come into play far too often. She's the best person I know, and I respect her completely. I guess I'm having a hard time giving up on her, especially knowing that I could call her and see her and we could probably patch it up for the time being. The issue still wouldn't be solved though! I can't see a fix for this at all... I'm not looking for a long term relationship, but with her, I definitely am, since we've already been together this long. It's tough because we were looking at wedding rings together just a week ago, and all day before the breakup things were great as usual. I feel like it should've taken more to break us, but this nagging doubt had been an issue in the past and this seemed like the right decision. I'll try to move on. There's a girl I've met here that had confessed she had a crush on me. I find her funny and attractive, but she pales in comparison...! Thanks for the kind words.
yoman38 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 lol no prob I'm telling you since your heart is still stuck on this previous girl I'm guessing most people you meet will pale in comparison to her for a while till you move on and have healed. No problem, but remember there are sooooo many amazing women in this world don't lose sight of that either.
JustALittleBit Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 (edited) I think there are two sides to this story - on the one hand the majority of the doubt is probably coming from within herself. How is her family background? The loveless marriage thing sounds like it could be a fear of total commitment or of marrying the wrong person and being unhappy... I would imagine that her fears of this led to her holding back ever so slightly and never being SURE she wouldn't end up like that. I think the break up is therefore a good thing, and I think you really need to minimise contact. She needs to heal, and probably learn that she will be ok if you do break up. I imagine once she has learnt this she could come back to your relationship and not feel so afraid, because she'd be more sure of herself. It could be that she wasn't sure if you were the right person, but I imagine with absolutely anyone she would have had these doubts, and until the core of the issue is worked through it's impossible to move forward. It is almost like because NO relationship can ever be 100% ideal, she will never be 100% sure the person is 'right' for her. I don't advise you to go out and move on. I think you should take some time to yourself, and if someone who doesn't 'pale by comparison' comes along then by all means give it a shot. The other side of this equation though is whether you really DID give yourself totally to her? Not just in 'treating her well' because that is the bare minimum. Did you go out of your way to let her know how special she is to you? How much you love her? Did you express it and compliment something about her every day? When people have doubts they need that reassurance, and really if you do feel like that for her then you should have no problems wanting to show your love for her and doing what it takes to make her happy. Did you have doubts about her? Because women pick up on these things. If you pulled back because she had doubts, this would have then given more reason for her doubt. Basically it sucks for you, but you almost have to put yourself out there even more and make yourself even more vulnerable right when you might not want to. So yes, those are the dynamics I see. I think you did the right thing because some time apart will probably help. But I do also think that if she really means that much to you, then don't just think about yourself and what's best for you in this. Anyway that's how I interpret it - as a relationship that doesn't need to be over, if you were just to put even more effort into caring for her and loving her and demonstrating it (even when it seems counter to what you might want to do). Edited to add: It might seem I gave you contradictory advice... but it is a difficult issue. I just hope I helped explain some of the dynamics that I imagine were going on (at least from her side I understand it), hopefully it helps. Edited September 23, 2012 by JustALittleBit
Author hellodearest Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 JustaLittlebit, Thank you for your insight! I definitely see what you're saying. As far as going out on a limb for her, I did that through and through for most of the relationships. For example, if she was at work, I'd stop by with food to surprise her or just a candy bar or something if I was in the area. Even when my car was in the shop and we would be facebook chatting and she said how she wished she had milk duds or something, I walked an hour just to get some for her. I gave her back rubs every single night, usually throughout the day. (she always asked for them and couldn't get enough) I went out of my way for her whenever I thought of it. She wasn't very demanding in things that she wanted, so I wasn't a doormat - however, I really like surprising her with nice gestures and did that often. She's told her family members and her best friends that she's so afraid to lose me because I'm the best thing and best person that's ever happened to her. She has said even the thought of losing me makes her choke up a little bit. So when she told me that she's not 100% into it, I was really surprised, and I just said, you know, at this point, two years in, and if you still have doubts... we should break it off. and she agreed. We're both worse off without each other, but I don't know what to do.
g450 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 oh and I think right now would be an awesome time to go NC and try to eventually start dating (I don't recommend getting into anything serious at the time though) other girls just to see what's out there. OP, you do this! Because I guarantee you that this is exactly what she wants to do if she isnt doing it already.
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