Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 So when did the anger come? I never recall any anger from the particular event. Just hurt, and shame. But since developing the Bi-polar 2, I have occasional angry outbursts that are extremely out of character for me. I think it can even be found in some of my early postings on LS - and I have had to apologize. Actually, I think it is years of anger, built up inside. As, I've never been a person to harbor anger, or to fly off the handle. Yas
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Just curious if anyone has dealt with spouse that has shut down due to some event in the marriage? If so how did you come through it?Yep, dealt with EA (emotional abandonment), after a couple of years of it and requesting what I wanted and needed, by having an EA (emotional affair). Pivotal marital event was my mom's stroke and my becoming a caregiver for a paraphrenic. Very stressful. I made a poor choice to 'medicate' the marital issue, but my focus became more on EOL care than trying to 'fix' the M, so I found someone who would support me in a equitable fashion, meaning give and take, and let it play out. Cost me but I'm OK with that. Mom died with some dignity and my exW is doing fine with another man. Life goes on.
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Carhill, So there were NO problems at all in your marriage before you went about the end of life with your mum? We were about two years in and, no, none (marital issues) to my knowledge. In fact, we were in the midst of planning a romantic cruise to the Caribbean and had booked it about a month prior to my mom's stroke, and I prioritized it, paying for around the clock care for my mom (she was completely disabled) while we were gone. That said, something I didn't pick up on until much later, examining our FOO in MC, was that my exW had an abusive childhood (which I did know) but dealt with it by 'disconnecting'. So, in retrospect, it made sense. My mom's craziness triggered her coping mechanism. Fair enough, but it left me high and dry and still attempting to be emotionally engaged with and supportive of her, which I would do for a number of years (four IIRC) to come. At the time, I was ignorant of the nuances of the coping mechanism. I think that point would have been where MC could have helped us recover.
carhill Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 For the second and last time, none. I think my postings here have been quite transparent over the years. Let's move on, shall we?
revitup Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 OK,my wife has some sort of bi-polar and abandonment issues as well. I knew she was fragile at the beginning.Her mother is bi-polar.Will fly off like a cheap hubcap at a moments notice!Usually around holidays and family gatherings for some reason.My wife and others can't even attend get togethers at her own mother's home.It ALWAYS ends in disaster for those around her mother. Her father's identity is not known for sure. Her childhood sucked big time,abuse and mother is manic and violent and really anything but nurturing to my wife (for now).Her mother had sex with numerous men in the same bed as my wife at age 7-8. Sex,drugs and really bad behavior in her teens....I married her at age 23 and she didn't have to work in 17 years. That being said,why would a person with fear of abandonment (her words) years ago,leave me three times ,with no reasonable explanation?As I state in my thread (wife left third time) she seems to believe she is out on a vacation or gone to Walmart.I chased,begged and bargained both other times.Not this time. She is 41 now,could this be a bi-polar issue as well?(she won't take meds anymore) says, they make her put up with too much of my @#$# and that I am the only reason she needed them anyway.She can't sleep without Ambien.Has serious trust issues.At the same time ,she can make you (at times) absolutely adore her. She early on said that she didn't deserve me.She even wrote to Dr Phil saying she wanted to be good to me but just couldn't do it.It seems that the abandonment issues combined with other things causes a trust issue.A major trust issue. I have always been faithful,loving,caring and affectionate in public and private.Those who know us will say "if you two can't make it,there is no hope for anyone". This is the third time of this leaving deal.It has been different this time however. Many hours of therapy always have gotten close, to unveiling "something" from her past,only to have her back away from the counseling. Last therapist/counselor had this to say after a dozen or so visits/sessions.... "Mrs Revitup, If you wish to remain heterosexual,you had better get used to this man and what you say you don't like about him,he adores you and communicates with love and understanding" That ended the sessions. I am now NC and 180,for my own sake. I simply think now that I may have enabled her while simply attempting to "fix" and or help her overcome her own demons. Maybe this is just me blaming myself,since she isn't here to do it for me like all these years? Just seems strange that someone with abandonment issues would constantly abandon those who love them.
Yasuandio Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Her acts of abandoment may play out the way she is accustomed, and how she expects them to play out, sub-consciously. They could be a source of confort and consistency. When any of the dynamics are altered - her typical behavioral outcomes may naturally adjust, or cease altogether. Yas
revitup Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I am great.It hurts like heck as expected.It's just that I have already seen this exact movie twice before.I do not intend to pay to see it again. I did not understand bi-polar until recently.I always figured her mother was just very angry and mean for some reason.It was only this year that I tried to understand the bi polar disorder symptoms and emotions associated with it.I would have done anything to have stopped this.I always had before. I think Yas answered the question correctly.It seems that the scenario in her mind is real to her at this time.The outcome predictable to her at least is that she will just come on home one day.
Yasuandio Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 What the heck difference does that make? Yas
Author AllieKat Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 My hubbys has told me that hes closing his heart off he said it was a way to protect himself. I personally cant imagine doing that but apparently for him its better than taking a chance being hurt. I just wish i could help him open it especially because we are in a marriage
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 My hubbys has told me that hes closing his heart off he said it was a way to protect himself. I personally cant imagine doing that but apparently for him its better than taking a chance being hurt. I just wish i could help him open it especially because we are in a marriage My wife said the same thing. She had some things go on before I was in the picture, which helped, that hurt "us". I know she has been going to a therapist about them. I do know a lot of what happened and I can see that she did or does need some therapy.
Author AllieKat Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 River- thats good she was doung counseling. My hubby have never had this issue before and weve been together 10 years so im quite surprised. Of course ive never lied to him before either so i guess he feels betrayed and this is how he deals
Author AllieKat Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Thx coop! As far as the relationshipstuff i am letting him be. There are things i have to talk to him about. Do you think hubby is really in cave time still? Agter 4 mths? Or do you think hes just done? My family all think its over and i need to move on!
Author AllieKat Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Yeah he orginally told me about 3 weeks ago i needed to start doing things for the car myself. Now when i was going to he jumps in and says hell do it. Did the same thing last week with a new battery. Granted hes a mechanic but its confusing. I half think he does it as an excuse to have something to talk to me about because its "safe convo" it sounds risky to tell him no. But ive got nothing i guess to lose. Im not sure i do it for this inspection because its due asap and my work schedule doesnt allow it. He however Is flexible. I dunno im making excuses cause im chicken to do it for fear ill make him mad since hes already set the appt up and adjusted his schedule
Author AllieKat Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Nest building? Ive heard of nesting! If he wants a D why would he want to nestbuild? U men are confusing
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 U men are confusing I know you didn't just go there..:)
Author AllieKat Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Sorry River its true though. Now women well hell Im so glad Im not a guy cause that would be even more confusing cause i know im all over the place
Yasuandio Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Yes. I couldn't agree more. The recipient of the negative behaviour must change. Not the person giving it. That is the counterintuitive key that takes time to realize the truth of. Too much focus on trying to change one's partner. But relationships are WYSIWYG. Change yourself. Up to and including finding someone more compatible, if necessary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Maybe this is clearer, Coop, I am sure she meant the same thing: "The recipient of the negative behaivior, must change her response to the negative behavior. (Visa-versa is not gonna happen on it's own)." It takes some people time to realize that they must "respond/not respond/alter response" to negative behaviour rather than "react" to it as usual (counterintuitive). Typically - there is too much focus on trying to stop the partner's negative behavior through believing that you can actually CHANGE the partner himself. But actually, you only have control over your own changes, responses, non-responses, altered responses, reactions, and non-reactions, etc. And I might add, you also are the only person that has control over your own happiness and lack thereof. You really don't need your partner, he's not a requirement to live and survive. However, if you desire a companion, You, yourself always have the option to select another that you are more compatable with." Try that on for size, Coop. Yas
Yasuandio Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Or, to be more succinct and cliche: You can't change others, only yourself. One way to 'change' is through acceptance. Hence my comment about WYSIWYG relationships. Really, the only other option is to leave. Some do this with more efficiency than others depending on the issues being worked through. What is WYSIWYG? Yas
trippi1432 Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 What is WYSIWYG? Yas It means What You See Is What You Get. 1
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