AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Just curious if anyone has dealt with spouse that has shut down due to some event in the marriage? If so how did you come through it? I've read a lot online about it but havent seen much on helping spouse overcome it.
Cornfused again Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I am going through this right now. My husband shuts down emotionally all the time due to marriage issues of ours and/or children issues. He will not look at me converse with me or sleep in the same bed. I feel like its me since he won't talk to me. How else should I feel? When I leave due to us separating he doesn't inquire as to where I'm staying how I am doing or anything? If he loves me shouldn't he be worried as to where I am. I could be dead Ina gutter for all he cares? I would love to be able to not feel its not me ?
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Aww Im sorry! My H just started this for the first time 4 mths ago and its gone on 4 mths. No much talking unless its about household stuff, not sleeping in same bed, no affection. If i go to him to "talk" about our issues though he will talk but he claims this is how things will be from now on since he cant get over the hurt i caused
Cornfused again Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 4 months? I dont think i could handle that? What can't he get over? Have either of you tried counseling alone or together? My H won't speak to me for a day and I'm like wtf? But four months and he says that is the way it will be from now on? I'm sorry you have had to deal with that. He is your spouse and should be respecting you as his wife and not someone he can walk over as it seems he is holding all the power!
riverratt Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 That is what happened to me. She says she shut down and didn't say anything when she was feeling a curtain about something. She admits it was wrong for the marriage. She told me, again, yesterday that I was a great man, if any woman wanted to be married to a man for life it would be me. I was a super father. I couldn't be a better one. She is open about it to the people that do know. Of coarse, that is when people look at her like she is nuts. It may be why she has been closed about talking to people about it because everybody is telling her she is nuts for letting me go. I am not talking myself up. I am not perfect. By any means. It is the fact and she says that stuff on her own. The people she has closed off is family and life long, mutual, friends. She would never give us a chance. The counseling was not productive because she wasn't interested. They turned into bash sessions on me. The fact that I didn't set a mouse trap one time became an issue. I thought that was a sign of where it was going. Yeh, I should have set the trap but for it to be a reason for a divorce is a bit, out there. This trail is long over. I waiting for next year. The get parties. I have get gatherings at my house. Ride four wheelers, get in the pool. Karaoke parties. She will on the out side looking in. Her group of friends will have to change. The person she is having the affair with is in the same boat. They are liable to end up on an island all by their selves. His ex is still being invited to kids birthday parties and they were his friends first. They have shut him out and want to keep a relationship with her. It is sad on one hand and pretty awesome on the other...I have always said "don't seek revenge, life will get it for ya" The event in my marriage that is the main issue was that when she went through depression a few years ago I wasn't by her side 24/7. I was at work trying to keep the bills paid. Yes, I should have found a better balance but i may have done any good either. I don't know. I was trying to what I thought was best for the entire family.
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 This goes back to April.... Jeesh, I too would have given up long ago - but if you make threats, be prepared to carry them out. I know you stated that one of the stumbling blocks was that you blurted out how sick you were of the marriage - seems he's now intent on making you sicker. This is manipulation in the extreme - I haven't looked at your intervening threads, but you now need to give him an ultimatum, I think - I believe it has reached that stage: Either you both seriously attend joint counselling, and learn how to communicate constructively and effectively, or you tell him that this marriage is over, and he will have to leave. This can't go on - how long are you prepared to accept this "passive-aggressive" manipulative attitude? He thinks he has you where he wants you. And will continue behaving in this way for as long as he carries on believing it. The decision of whether he's right or not, lies with you...
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Yup 4 mths in a few days. We do talk but he doesnt bring up the marriage only i do. I did make a divorce threat in april and he shut down for 3 weeks then we made up and he forgave me but i kept somethings from him and flat out lied to his face so he shut down again. Weve had a rollarcoaster ride these last 4 mths. I cried, begged, screamed etc to him. Ive blamed shifted, wrote letters, apologized, told him to go etc. Hes yelled, screamed, blamed, and told me hes not going anywhere but said he wants D! 2 weeks ago i had a sit down with him. He apologized for things and so did i but he still wants out. He said he cant trust me with his heart and is putting up a wall so he cant be hurt. Yet he hasnt done anything to prepare to go. Not even changed joint accounts. Anyway i just wondered if there was a way to bring down the wall?
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Threats are pointless. They're just words, and words mean nothing - talk is cheap. Why don't you file, and open a separate account? The D may never happen, but something needs to.....
january2011 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I suspect that it's a defensive and coping mechanism. Whatever happened that he can't forgive has devastated him. He may not be able to handle and process the emotions and thus he would rather compartmentalise them. Yet every time he looks at you, he may be reminded of what happened and how hurt he is. Thus he has withrawn. TaraMaiden's right. It can't go on like this. Either you make a move or he does. The marriage may or may not be salvageable. MC would be the way to go if both parties were willing. IC might be useful to help process thoughts and emotions and get a better idea of how to move forward, even if only on your own.
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I know your both right! He refused MC. Ive done IC and its helped. I guess truth be told im hanging on hoping. I figure if he wants out he needs to move and file. Im not the one who wants this to end. He was/is devastated hes told me that. We had a good relationship, sure it wasnt w/o a flaw or to because both times i had stresses in life i took out on him with a threat but we loved hard and our marriage was real. So finding out i lied to time shook him to the core.
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 You're both guilty of emotional manipulation, which is an immature way to deal with conflict. Really, you need to activate something here. See a lawyer, or download a DIY divorce document. I did that with my ex-. You may need to pay a court fee to activate it legally, but get something done. this stalemate isn't doing anyone - including your child/ren - any good at all.
riverratt Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I guess truth be told im hanging on hoping. I did that as well..The thing that helped me is that I thought about it this way. If somebody described to me the way me ex acted and treated a person. Would I want them..Nope. I deserve better. 1
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Good point river! It takes two but i by far have caused a lot of damage since our fight. Every single week ive picked fights, called him names, accused him of doung stuff i knew he wasnt foing. Hes fought back but i started them all. To this day my h has never called me a nasty name but i cant say the same. I guess i feel like its mostly all my fault
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 every single week? Hopefully you meant before your last thead start or i, and others, have just wasted their time replying to you in that one?? Allie, you can fix this. Only you thou. Yes it `does take 2` But it`s not 2 that needs fixing right now. It`s 1... YOU. Pulling back was working right? There was an `improvement` right? It`s not going to happen overnight. You don`t just do one thing then expect miracles to happen `overnight`. This is irrelevant. It`s not your fault, just as mch as it`s not his either. Where you are at fault is how you deal with this, or anything. That`s what you need to be adressing It was at the beg and through trippi, yas, tojaz and many others i started making better choices and acting my age. I think my prob is i think to much. I had two therapists tell me as recently as yesterday this is emotional abandonment and its not reversable... Just what i didnt want to here so it got me searching online about it and wondering how many others experienced it
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Ty all very much for the posts. Its nice to be able vent on LS. Such great ppl here!!
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I experienced emotional and physical abandonment, time after time after time over the last 32 years. One thing I can tell you for sure, from my experience, human behavior replicates itself. Yas
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I had one who was great but when hubby switched jobs we lost insurance so i have to wait to go back to her so ive been talking to another therapist who isnt charging me. They both told me to throw him out and move on
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I do believe they're not the only ones. And look - we don't charge, either. 1
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 It sounds very passive-aggressive to me. Oh dear. What is supposed to happen on January 1, 2013? A. Suddenly hubby starts being talkitive again and moves back in bedroom. or B. Allie is served with divorce papers. I don't know about Allie, but if I had to endure this type of punishment, and this amout of time"not knowing" about the future of my marriage, with the possibilty that my head might be chopped off with a divorce lawyer - I would, indeed, harbor resentment for a loooong time afterwards. Yas
Author AllieKat Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Yas--- nice to see you!! How are you? Ive thought about you often
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 yes it does, i agree, what in what time frame? Day one? week one? a year in? This is still controversial theory in progress and again irrelevant. The time is here and now. You are what you are, here and now. Given `human behavior`, what you do in the next minute , changes the whole outcome in your life ? right? No . wrong. It`s in the mind. I've observed the human behavior of physical abandonment occur at least 18 times during the relationship with my husband - and he came back every single time. It could be a day, a week, a month, two months, 6 months, now it has been 3.5 years, and our divorce is final. The main factor in play, that may alter the repetition of the human behavior of the other, is the repetition, or non-repetition, or change of the human behavior in the recipient, and the timing thereof. That's my experience. Yas
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 At leasts 18 times? why not a 19th or 20th? or even a 21st?? where did it stop for you? What was the final final final this time final straw? When I altered my behavior and responded much differently. He abandoned me in a foreign country without my medication or glasses, and only 400US. This was the second time he did something of this nature. I didn't come home for three months. I stayed there and healed myself (in a number of ways). That was more than he could bear. His abandonment of me backfired on him. He did not give me an easy time with this divorce. And I delt a lot with his stalking and intimidation (which is difficult for me with the bi-polar 2 - he knows how I can be paranoid). What do you think? Did I suceed in changing his pattern of human behavior? Yas
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 NO you CHANGED yours Yes, indeed. But I wondered in my question, if I have ended his pattern of Abandonment and coming back for good.
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 one question thou? ( sorry OP for the threadjack) Mentally, how did you feel? (after the anger of what he done had `died` down) I never felt anger. I felt nothing but hurt, from the words he screamed at me befire driving away in the rental car.
Yasuandio Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Coopster, I don't think Allie will consider this a thread jack, because we are talking about abandonment. Human desire and behavior is difficult to change. I have a history of abandonment in my family, that I am exploring in therapy. I knew there was a chance my choices would ruin my marrage while I was in his country, Greece, for those months. So, there was, at least, a sub-conscious effort on my part, to engage in destructive inappropriate conduct, with no second thoughts. But at the time, I did not feel I had a marriage, really. Especially when I met someone who was very kind to me. I really think it was a self-savotage. I am on edge, and admittedly scared of what the furture holds with this bi-polar desease I devoped while I was over in his country (or at least I never had this particular diagnosis, nor had I ever had the symptoms I now have). My doctor believes the event, accompanied by a terrible withdrawal from my medications, put me in a state of shock. Such trama, he says, is enough to bring on the symtoms of the Bi-polar 2 desease in a person with a propensity towards it, and was the likely cause. I have my own private insurance and SS disability, but I do not like being dependant on his alimony check now. and into the future. It is going to take it to support this home, and my rental, as well - for me to save enough into my retirement fund (as my private disability ends in 10 years, as does the alimony). I have been independent my entire life. Thi is an extremely scary position to be in. And it has taken a few years for me to even accept that it is true. Those are the reasons I consider myself vulnerable, I suppose, to his future behaviors, if they happens to repeat itself. I have not been able to write about this because of the litagation. You all have the real story. Thank for sharing your thread with me Allie! Maybe I need to start one! Yas 1
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