wolvie666 Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 About 2 months ago my fiance (who I had been seeing for 6.5 years) blindsided me by saying that she was confused over what she wanted for her life and needed a break. I was hurt, but of course had to give her her space. If I didn't talk to her for a few days she would call me and say how she missed me and say things like she wanted things to work out between us. I knew she was going out to a lot of bars and drinking all the time, just not acting like herself. I was worried that she might be seeing someone else, but believed her when she said that she was not. Well, earlier this week we went out for a dinner together and she dropped a huge bomb on me. She told me that she has been seeing somebody else and after prodding from me admitted that she's even had sex with this guy. I was floored. We were together almost 7 years and she was able to jump right into bed with some other guy. There were no signs of this coming, in fact the week before we started the "break" we had a fantastic week together. Most people tell me that I should just forget about her and I certainly see their point. I feel very betrayed and hurt, actually I'm a mess and have been crying all the time and not eating and even puking up what I eat because I'm so upset. The thing is, I know she still loves me somewhere deep down. This girl is as close to me as anybody has ever been and I want nothing more than to marry her. Is it worth the effort to try and win her back and save her from the wreck she is making of her life? She was never like this before, she's a beautiful, smart, talented girl with a very bright future and is just acting so strange. This guy she's seeing is some dirtball who doesn't even have a driver's liscence (it was suspended). She just seems lost to me. Whenever she sees me she usually cries and says that she wants things to work out and doesn't know what's wrong with her. I know it's a complicated situation, but any advice on what I should do? I don't feel like I'll ever be happy with anybody but her. I truly feel like we're soulmates and that our love is worth fighting for. Anybody with any bright ideas what I can do about this?
Good heart Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 what is her age and what is yours, and is this the first time that she needed a break. in case she is young then this is a trouble becasue she is starting a cycle of the rush of getting to know new guys and this will go on until she matures and by that time you will be burnt by her if you stay with her. act like a jerk is the best solution at the time but do not expect anything. Sorry
Author wolvie666 Posted July 25, 2004 Author Posted July 25, 2004 I am 25 and she is 22. This is the first time she has needed a break, we did sort of break up for two weeks like 3 years ago, but it was nothing, just stupid stuff. She was very mature to begin with, she owns her own business, is a good student, etc. She took like this huge step backward like she missed out on something by not going out and partying all the time. My feeling is that it is only a matter of time before she realizes that she is not being herself and snaps out of it, I've talked to her mom and she feels the same way about it. We are the two people that know her better than anybody else on earth and we know that she is not being herself right now. That being said I agree that I should act like a jerk because she has hurt me very very bad and if and when she does come back I am going to make her work for it. She's already told me that she knows that she could never find anybody else like me and that this new guy will never treat her as good as I did.
budd98 Posted July 25, 2004 Posted July 25, 2004 I am 24 and my ex g/f is 22. We recently broke up a week ago and had been dating for 3 years. She wanted to end it with me because she felt we weren't heading in the same direction anymore. Actually, we broke up last summer for 2 months and got back together, and she feels she did so much wrong that she can't forgive herself. She slept with someone else and left me for this other guy. After, she was bored, she came back, ONLY because I might be moving on, and she didn't know if she could get me back. Most women in their early 20's don't know what they want. Last summer I always had it in my head that we will get back together again, but when we did, I still wasn't happy. It is really hard to forgive someone that has betrayed you so much. My best advice is to put it in your head to move on with your life, or you will be miserable for a long time. When me and my ex got back together I still wasn't happy and she still treated me like crap. I have always treated her like a queen. It's not worth going through life always worrying about another person. Life is way too short. Oh, I am very bummed and depressed about it, but I have to have respect for myself and move on. If it will ever happen, let her come to you. They ALWAYS want what they can't have. It is an immature game that she will probably grow out of, but you have to let her go in order to let that happen. I don't want my ex to go, but I know I deserve so much more. Aviod contacting each other. Good luck.
katie79 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 When I read your first story, I thought the problem was perhaps you waited too long to propose. However, after viewing her age, I thought perhaps she was too young to settle down for life. You guys have been seeing each other for a long time now. You were 18 and she 15 or so when you started dating. Are there other things your not telling us? Did she want to get engaged to you? Did she ask you about it here and there and did it just stop at some point? Engagement is a serious step, so these questions are esstential to solving your problem.
madlyinlove Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Originally posted by budd98 I am 24 and my ex g/f is 22. We recently broke up a week ago and had been dating for 3 years. She wanted to end it with me because she felt we weren't heading in the same direction anymore. Most women in their early 20's don't know what they want. Last summer I always had it in my head that we will get back together again, but when we did, I still wasn't happy. It is really hard to forgive someone that has betrayed you so much. My best advice is to put it in your head to move on with your life, or you will be miserable for a long time. When me and my ex got back together I still wasn't happy and she still treated me like crap. I have always treated her like a queen. It's not worth going through life always worrying about another person. Life is way too short. Oh, I am very bummed and depressed about it, but I have to have respect for myself and move on. If it will ever happen, let her come to you. They ALWAYS want what they can't have. It is an immature game that she will probably grow out of, but you have to let her go in order to let that happen. I don't want my ex to go, but I know I deserve so much more. Aviod contacting each other. Good luck. You situation seems identical to mine at the moment. except my g/f hasn't physically cheated on me yet, but has confess that she is confused and has already had phone sex with another guy who wants her. Only last week she told me that she loved me with all her heart and that to marry me would make her so happy. She says that she wants to go away and be with this other guy becasue she doesn't know what she wants. She says that i'm perfect for her and that i'm the best thing that has ever happened to her, but wishes that she could have met me 3 years from now when she wants to settle down. She says that if i truely love her, that I should let her go and if she finds out that i was the one for her i should let her come back. I love this girl so much and i can't understand her logic or how she can cause me soo much pain. i cry every night and i can't eat. I feel sick and throw up sometimes. i don't know what to do. HELP !!!
Author wolvie666 Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 When I asked her to marry me she bawled for hours and said it was the happiest day of her life. There really isn't anything I'm not telling you, she did a complete 180. There would be times I would want to go home to my place to get work done and she would beg me not to because she didn't like to go a night without seeing me. I just don't know what to do with myself. I drove past her place on my way home from work today and her car wasn't there so I know she's with him. I'm just scared that she's getting farther away from me everyday. I haven't talked to her in three days and since we broke up that's the longest it's been that she hasn't called me to check and see if I was still there. I've thrown up a few times too and barely eat anything. This guy is a friggn' loser! The last time I talked to her she started telling me this story about how friday night she was taking him home and when she wouldn't go into his house he got angry and smashed the case of beer he had on his lap on the street. After she told me this I told her he sounds like a real a**h*** and I hope she has a happy life with him and then ended the conversation. I cannot understand why she is with him... She also told me that he gets in fistfights all the time and tried to start a fight with one of her old high school friends she was talking to one night... There is no logic to this... I read something about the whole "seven year itch" theory which her mom told me she reffered to this as before. She suddenly feels bored with this relationship and finds something new which becomes like this exciting thing, but meanwhile this excitement is just temporary and the reality of the mistake your making sets in. I hope that's all it is, I know if she stayed with him she'd be miserable. She tells me she is confused about what she wants, but she's still seeing this guy like everyday. It's completely crazy. This guy won't do anything for her. I did everything for her. Took her all over the country, loved her so much, took care of her when she was sick, helped her with her schoolwork, etc. I know this jerk would never do any of that crap. Somehow she's able to justify her actions in her head at the same time that she tells me she feels so awful and guilty about everything. And she still says things like she hopes things work out between us. Nuts, nuts, nuts, nuts... Tomorrow's my birthday, we'll see if she calls me...
katie79 Posted July 27, 2004 Posted July 27, 2004 Happy B-day! But back to the point: it sounds like you didn't strike while the iron was hot, and perhaps she felt at times you weren't there enough. Maybe this guy is not so bad. Maybe this is just what you see. You waited to long to make a committment to her and by the time you did, she was already bored. I'm sure your not the first man to make this mistake. There are guys out there who date a woman for many years, never propose, wind up marrying someone else and still regret not getting the girl he really wanted b/c he kept postponing the actual engagement until "later". Waiting can get boring and whenever someone different comes along, you feel like your long waiting period has prevented you from meeting others and experiencing new things---even the chance to find someone who wont make marrying you such and isssue. From a woman's point of view, you have two options: You can let her go. Realize the waiting game gets boring and old over the years. The next woman you fall in love with, NEVER make the same mistake as you did with this one. We maybe meet about 1-3 actual "soulmates" in our lifetime. If you keep passing things up you will wind up lonely, regretful, and bored. You will have missed out on your chance to be happy and it will be your own fault. Let this long dead-end relationship that you greatly contributed to be a life long lesson about waiting. Or... You can do a magnificant, romantic proposal ASAP. DOn't wait. You already did that and it failed. When you do this wonderful memorable proposal, make sure it's strong and not cheesy. Watch some movies that have proposal stories in it. Learn from it. Do it today, don't wait until "later" or "next week". Maybe you can pay money for skywritting, fireworks, etc saying something like, "I love you and I never want to let you go, *****, Will you marry me? " That would be nice. Usually women are looking for that after making a mistake. It's almost a test to see just how far you'll go to win our love back. Try it.
Author wolvie666 Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 It doesn't have anything to do with me not "striking while the iron was hot." She's going through a very childish I want to party and meet new people thing. And yes this guy is bad, she told me shes afraid of him, when we went out to dinner to talk he was calling her and we had to leave because she was afraid he was going to show up wanting to fight me (she told me he gets in fistfights all the time). My baby has turned into this drunken loser who spends everynight at hole in the wall bars or at this guys house drinking. When I angrily asked her what this guys interests even are she said, "He likes cars, weed, girls, stuff like that..." It's unbelievable. This should not be a "long dead end relationship." I was there all the friggin time! Everyday! We spent every night together! It is not that I wasn't there for her at all. We were completely happy! I know she was, she told me enough, it is not a one sided thing here... And I did do a wonderful and romantic proposal on top of a mountain when we were vacationing out west last year... I'm an extremely romantic guy and here I sit as down as I've ever been while she's with this guy that'll never treat her half as good as I did. What is wrong with women????????????????????
Author wolvie666 Posted July 27, 2004 Author Posted July 27, 2004 But this has no chance of being a happy birthday...
bamaguy20 Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 wolvie....same thing as you, my girlfriend broke up with me on valentines day no less after a small fight, we were together for 2 years..and the guy she starts hanging out with, i have no proof they have physically done anything yet, just hang out a lot.....the guy was facing 25-life for trafficking cocaine...in fact she met him indirectly through me as hes in my fraternity..things from so many people sound so firmiliar....she has no other real friends except this guy and another loser girl because she left or blew off everyone she used to know for them, gets high all the time, drinks at this guys place and misses class...these stupid girls are ruining their lives, why is it we all have the same story???? that should tell us something, that thats just how girls get around a certain age..me n mine are both 20...i dont think its really anything we have done, these girls just dont know what they have and want to go do things that **** up their lives.
Author wolvie666 Posted July 28, 2004 Author Posted July 28, 2004 She just told me yesterday (no my birthday no less) that her and this guy are in love and are talking about getting married... It's insane. We spent nearly 7 years together just as close as two people can be and all of the suddent she is in love with somebody else? You don't just get over a long commited relationship like that and dive head first into something else... It's like WE never existed to her she's so cold about it. Just a week ago she was reffering to this as the "seven year itch" and talking about things working out between us. How could things have changed so suddenly? This guy is a friggin bum! She may not think it now, but she will be sorry that she let me go. She's got her head in the clouds because she with this new guy and it's exciting for her that they party all the time and he tells her he loves her (though I heard the other day he stood her up to go to a wet t-shirt contest) so now she's got herself brainwashed into thinking she loves him. When things settle down between them and she sees him for what he really is she will realize the mistakes she has made. She said, "Now I know what real love is..." to me yesterday as if we weren't really in love all those years that she never wanted me to even go to work she hated being without me so bad. It's nonsense, women are nuts, young women today are so screwed up in the head. It'll be a long time before she realizes her mistakes and I'm sure I won't be around when she wants me back. She made her bed, now she has to lie in it.
wildturkey Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Take care of yourself and move on. If She comes back and you love her. Open your arms and re-build. You may also be angry. Work that out of yourself. Others need you and make yourself happy by staying occupied. 7 yrs is a long time and may take some work to move on. People make strange decisions and their reasons do not make sense to us but it does to them. I have heard the same thing "I have found real love" and later all crashes. Be nice if she wants back and be nice if you do not want her back.
drinana Posted July 28, 2004 Posted July 28, 2004 Hey wolvie666: Sorry to hear about what your going through. I'm in a situation somewhat similar to you.. My guy and I were together for 9 years and got engaged about 5 months ago.. We've also had a couple of "breaks".. the last one was about 2 years ago.. He wasn't sure if I was the one, if we were meant to be, if we were holding onto the past, etc.. Last weekend he came home and again drops the bomb on me.. (same things again)... I talked to him on Sunday and we ended things.. To get to my point, I think that your ex and mine are both just immature (he was 24).. Why should we let these people to who we gave our heart and soul, walk all over us??? I say to just start moving on with your life because you can't wait around for her to figure things out.. If someday in the future you guys can sit down and have an adult conversation about it then fine.. but until then try your best to concentrate on you... It's not ok to let her think that she can begin a "i need a break" cycle.. that was my big mistake.. and it's really not ok for her to go out and be with other people and then expect you to be ok with it.. " This girl is as close to me as anybody has ever been and I want nothing more than to marry her. Is it worth the effort to try and win her back and save her from the wreck she is making of her life? She was never like this before, she's a beautiful, smart, talented girl with a very bright future and is just acting so strange." Do you truly want to marry someone who doesn't even know who they are yet??? Someone who instead of talking to you about her feelings, goes out and finds someone else??? You can't force her to love you or want to be with you.. You sound like a great guy.. It's her loss... And when you say that she was never like this before, well people change and unfortunately, those changes can be ugly.. Just hang in there.. Keep your head up..
kati79 Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 NINE YEARS! OMG! That's a long time. I hope you don't take offense to this in anyway, but I think that 9 years is too long. I think after 2 years, maximum, you should be engaged. Of course you two were youngsters. But, for people who both start dating over 21, commitment should be made after 2 years. A two-year engagement is fine. By the time you marry , you'd both be 25. That's fine. Both of you, don't feel bad for these partners leaving you. They are no longer worth your time. You both sound like wonderful people, sure you'll find someone who would love to marry you. Trust me, I believe that if someone is so iffy on marrying you, it's time to leave that person.
drinana Posted August 2, 2004 Posted August 2, 2004 Hey kati79: Yeah 9 years is a long time.. He and I met in high school.. We were 15 and 16.. (I'm 25 now).. We had a lot of growing up to do.. People were always asking when we were gonna get married but we knew that we weren't ready yet.. He went away to school.. I decided to go to graduate school.. Things were just different for us.. Looking back on this now, I'm glad that we didn't rush into anything.. And I know that the next time I meet someone (especially now that I'm older) it won't take 9 years to "figure things out".. I know that the next time I'll be with someone a year or two and we'll both just know that it's time to take that next step.. "There will come a time when you believe everything is finished.....that will be the beginning." - Louis L'Amour
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