TopCat22 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 So it's been 22 days of NC, just over 5 weeks since we broke up and 7 weeks since I actually physically saw her last. I'm not sure if this is a phase of NC but I'm fluctuating between wanting to call her and being adamant that I'll never break NC. Time is certainly providing a different perspective for me and before where I would do anything to have her back, now I'm not so sure. I'm torn because I feel I'm healing but there is a big part of me that wants to try again. However I still have this lingering doubt, as if I need to see her again and truly know if want to move on or not. I was planning to leave it another week and then maybe contact her and see if she'll meet up. I'm scared though that seeing her will bring all the feelings flooding back and that all the good work I've done on NC will be lost and I'll have to start again. What do you guys think? Stay strong and continue the NC for as long as I need to, or reach out and see if there is still something there?
LostOne1 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Honestly, I been feeling what you have been saying just now. It's almost been a month for me and I wanted to see her so badly to see how I feel. But the fact is I don't want to break NC. That will give her the satisfaction of knowing I still want her or miss her. Then she once again has the power in her own hands. Wouldn't SHE reach out to you, if she still wanted you? That's what has kinda stopped me from wanting to break NC. Is that if someone wants you and loves you, then wouldn't they fight for you and talk to you or come back to you?
Author TopCat22 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 LostOne that's exactly right. I really don't want to break NC as I'm not fully healed yet and I don't think I am ready to see her again. Then my heart kicks in and starts pining for her and makes me wonder if I should try and make contact. I hate this. I just want to be over her.
jayy23 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I'm in the same boat even tho me and my ex have been finished for 6months now and I have been NC for 78days and she hasen't tried to contact me in that time I have good days and bad days I do feel like things are getting easyr but still have days where I really want to contact her see her but don't want to brake NC I would rather she was the one to contact me but so far that looks unlikely. I hate the thought of her with some other guy it kills even tho last time we spoke she promised that she was not intrested in being with any other guys. Weekends are the worst I'm allways just thinking about what she Is doing.
LostOne1 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I know the feeling... I'm sitting here wishing to break my NC too and just say something. But I don't know how that will resolve anything. My guess would be I get a msg back saying "Don't text me, I don't need you, I have moved on and I'm happy, please move on and leave me alone, I want nothing to do with you ever again". Then when I think about it.. do I really want to hear that from her? I mean sure I can write it here and it doesn't hurt me, but if she texted me that it might hurt a bit. In some ways it will feel good to know she hasn't healed or still is not interested and has moved on. But on the other hand it hurts to know the truth that it's over and she means it. And, really if she wanted to get back wouldn't she reach out to me in some way?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Stick with no contact and let yourself heal and don't worry about her and what she should be thinking. Easier said than done I know, but do you really want to break it and get breadcrumbs or nothing at all? That feels worse than no communication IMO. As LostOne1 and I discussed yesterday, I was basically forced to break NC with my ex a couple of weeks ago after a month of NC. Since then I've gotten some breadcrumbs (which were better than what I was getting before), but those breadcrumbs didn't exactly help matters. In fact, they arguably made them worse, as I was stressing myself out wondering what this means and that means and yada yada yada. I tried to parlay those bread crumbs into a meal (asked her what she was doing to celebrate her birthday a couple days ago over text after wishing her happy birthday and getting a response) and I got nothing. The hell with that. Give me a burger -- not breadcrumbs. There are three options that I (and most) have. 1. Keep grinding it out and trying to chip away at the iceberg my ex has become. I've made minimal progress, but at what pace and cost? I'm still getting blowback when it comes to hanging out (only time I hung out was with her sister and brother-in-law, who is my best friend, and that issue complicates everything) and that causes me to stress and get sad. **** that, that's no way to live. The probability of success is minimal and the cost in stress and sadness is high. 2. Come clean and tell her everything about how I feel. I think most people have done this stage but I have not. And honestly, I don't need to for a couple reasons. I have no need to get things off my chest -- my main want is to be with her, not to reveal my soul. I guess the positive is that she'll have no misgivings about what I want. The negative is that the "coming clean" talk only works in movies. If she's hesitant about hanging with me, the odds that an emotional plea will work is basically 0%. 3. Leave the grid and go NC. This is almost certainly my next move. Obviously enough time has not gone by for her or I, especially her, to get over what happened. I basically think that seeing me got out the frustration and anger that had built up for her, but my presence still seems to give her anxiety or stress or hesitance. And her knowing that she had to see me probably didn't allow her the opportunity to get rid of all that. So I have to disappear for real this time, work on myself and she needs to work on herself. Maybe then there's a chance of some sort of reconciliation on some level. The odds of me and her getting back together are low even with NC. But NC is my best option. And in the process, hopefully I can get to a point where I don't care if it ever happens. Before reading about NC I went NC on two women who I had bad breaks with (much worse than my current one) and being off the grid helped at least make those reunions pleasant when they happened. So I think that's the play. 1
golk Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Breaking no contact will only benefit you if she still has genuine feelings for you. Obviously if she's done and over it, then it won't help at all in any way. It'll be very counterproductive actually for your progress because she will throw breadcrumbs. That being said, I broke my week of no contact with my ex a few weeks ago and it seemed to "rekindle" what we had. We are dating currently and everythings going amazing but like I said, it'll only help if she WANTS to be with you deep down, whether she realizes it now or not. I almost feel that my ex just broke up with me to see how much I wanted her. Then again it's only been a few weeks so who knows what'll happen but everything seems great so far.
Author TopCat22 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I want to resolve this conflict within. I want her back, but I also don't know how I could ever do that and live with myself. I don't have proof, but she pretty much cheated on me (emotionally at least) and I'm not the sort of person who can forgive betrayal. Then I think about how sweet and lovely she was and I yearn for that to come back. I wish I could kill off that feeling. I've tried focusing on the negative but that energy does nothing for me, I don't want to be angry. Maybe it will pass. I'm certainly sticking with NC. Yesterday evening I almost sent her a text I was feeling so weak, but I got through it. You guys are right, it will do nothing for me. If I want to heal then I need to forget about her. If I want her back, that can only happen if she wants to come back. I know this. Why is it so hard to stick to!!?
Simon Phoenix Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 She cheated? Yeah, bounce her. I don't care how much I like someone, betrayal is an instant get-the-hell-out scenario for me.
ladyabstrused Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Gotta agree with Simon Phoenix. Stick with NC. You're already on it, breaking it will only allow more hurt and you'll most likely will have to go back to square one. If she hasn't contacted you, that says pretty much. Keep moving on, keep living life and meet new people.
Author TopCat22 Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Well I don't know if she actually cheated. She was getting very friendly with a co-worker and driving around in his car late at night. In hindsight I don't think she would actually cheat, but she was certainly being inappropriate and talking to him about all our problems. I deem it emotional cheating, which is still pretty bad in my book. I've never had an explanation (not that it would help) although I'm not sure she actually knows what she was/is feeling anyway...
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