Author TheCollector Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 And the plot thickens My sister in law just texted my mother in law and said she will be at the house Friday to pick up my nephew and there was nothing we could do about it cause we don't have legal custody since her mom has no money for a lawyer.... She lives in a damn RV down by the river last time we checked NO JOKE....and she lives with a man that beat the **** out of her atleast once....that's not safe for him.. if I call DCS you think they will stop her?
Author TheCollector Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 He is considered legally abandoned
riverratt Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Wow, I feel for the little one and you for your added stress in this. I hate it when kids are treated this way.
GuyInLimbo Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I do love her but its not the only problem in our marriage. When she was 15 she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. So she has bad mood swings wich I try to understand. She is verbally abusive at times. She has only worked 3 or 4months out of the past 5 years... And that REALLY bugs me. All the weight is on my shoulders. I am truly torn on what to do.... After a year I thought I might feel atleast some better Dude, you have a reallllll mess on your hands. I had a long-term rel with someone who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (even worse than BP) and it was NIGHTMARE. Where do I start..... You guys got together and got married very young, which in my opinionated world usually doesn't work out with people who are not mentally ill. She cheated on you right after you guys got married. Major red flag to me. Strike 2. You saying she has no real friends and such reminds me of my old situation. My gf at the time didn't either. People like that CLING to you for dear life and say everything imaginable to make you feel guilty about even thinking about leaving them (I can't tell you how many times mine threatened suicide). SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. She's an adult and she needs to figure out how to take care of herself. Sounds to me like she isn't willing or capable (note: my sister-in-law is also bi-polar and is still a useless, lazy human being and bad mom at 43). And when these people don't stick to their meds AND continuous therapy, it's inevitable they will go through manic episodes that can last weeks, if not months, that will drive you insane and really screw up your kid. Find out if the kid really IS yours. If so, fight for full custody and get out now. I'm telling you right now this marriage is going to be one continuous journey in hell. Get out now while you're young and take care of your kid, if it's yours. If not, you're gone.
Author TheCollector Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 UPDATE Ratt your totally right...I'm very strung out... Put ninja and limbo together and you've pretty much got my situation in a nutshell... Now for the update. Yeah I've had 3 hrs and 45 min sleep in 2 days total... I got to wake up this morning and call a bunch of lawyers and take out a personal loan but not for what you guys think.... I had to hire a lawyer to keep my sister from taking my nephew Friday. My mother-in-law has drug her feet the whole 7 months she has lived with us and still has no job to provide for my nephew. So to win the case my wife and I are having to take on her sister for temporary custody......if I divorce her would I be responsible for child support for him too? If its just temp custody? Keep getting kicked while down BUT.... I did put my foot down and I'm getting my mother-in-law a job where I work Monday and her whole check will go to pay this off till its paid in full... Maybe this was the kickstart she needed.
Author TheCollector Posted September 26, 2012 Author Posted September 26, 2012 Sister-in-law that is... And the loan was $2500
riverratt Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 Wow..Dude. Your plate is full..Try to get your rest. Even if you need a sleeping pill to help. I hate pills, other then my daily vitamins, so I don't give that advise lightly.
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Yeah riverratt its killing me but being able to sleep isn't really my problem most of the time just I try to take care of the baby in the mornings and she's been difficult the last few days and having to make these calls and getting the loan and such..... Someone asked if I had a paternity test done... No... But the vast has some fairly rare features that I have...such as elf ears lol and a butt-chin
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 My wife texted me this after I left for work today. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this. I never wanted our lives to be this way. Just know I love you a thousand times over. I miss you. She's referring to the nephew/mother-in-law situation today not what happened a year ago... My wife has been remorseful for what she's done to me and acknowledges what its done to us..the days after I found out she was honest in telling me that she was torn on what to do.and what she wanted (meaning me or him). She would go back and fourth and I think that is one reason I'm having such a hard time forgiving her...that and she told me it only happened once and I totally don't believe that to my core....you don't think about leaving your husband over one occurrence.... These things plague me.
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 It also plagues me that I'm certain she would have left me if she hadn't gotten pregnant. She knows I'm more responsible and had a better Job...
2sunny Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 You seem to be carrying all the burden for the family members. They all need to get working. Line up childcare. Require your W to work - she needs to stay busy! You want her earning money whether you D or not. Why isn't your MIL taking action? It was obviously supposed to be left to her to handle...
riverratt Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Someone asked if I had a paternity test done... No... But the vast has some fairly rare features that I have...such as elf ears lol and a butt-chin Still may want to have it done for legal reasons..Are you afraid too?
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Yes I am carrying all the burden...that's one of the biggest problems besides the infidelity. She is just like her mother...neither will admit it but my MIL never worked accept when her parents were split on and off so my wife grew up with the mom not working now I can tell she thinks that's the norm....and it isn't... And about paternity. I'm fairly certain she is mine but honestly I simply can't afford the testing. Trust me I looked. I don't even know how ill afford a divorce if I go that route
2sunny Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Dude - your W cheated right under your nose! Then she dumps multiple family issues all onto you! That's not right for all of them to expect you to fix all their BS! Sheez, your life coUld be so much more calm without all their cheating and drama! Get custody of your daughter. Go visit the nephew to stay in his life. Your W hasn't has real consequences for her cheating! In fact, you rewarded her bad behavior by staying - and now by fixing all her family's crappy situations! Stop it! You're killing yourself while they sit back and laugh at you doing the work for 3 or 4 people. Let them carry the burden and find solutions for the issues THEY have! It's NOT yours to fix! Go to al anon - you need a healthy boundary!
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Sunny I like your straight forward approach but my wife hasn't worked in 4 years. She has a truly bad back due to car accident.(had major back surgery at age 19 and hasn't worked since) but not on disability. Is she incapable of working?-no but she would be limited.BUT on a better note I have put my foot down on my MIL and she will be applying at my work tomorrow and should start by next wed I'd say. I told her I will be keeping %80 of her check till this loan is paid in full. AND I talked to the same lawyers office about divorce there and a simple divorce would run about $650 total...so not all that bad unless my wife made it a nightmare but I doubt she would. She would probably just want it over and done with as fast as possible. AND I called about some personal counseling on the matter and I'm in the process of setting that up. So some progress here.
riverratt Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Sunny I like your straight forward approach but my wife hasn't worked in 4 years. She has a truly bad back due to car accident.(had major back surgery at age 19 and hasn't worked since) but not on disability. Is she incapable of working?-no but she would be limited.BUT on a better note I have put my foot down on my MIL and she will be applying at my work tomorrow and should start by next wed I'd say. I told her I will be keeping %80 of her check till this loan is paid in full. AND I talked to the same lawyers office about divorce there and a simple divorce would run about $650 total...so not all that bad unless my wife made it a nightmare but I doubt she would. She would probably just want it over and done with as fast as possible. AND I called about some personal counseling on the matter and I'm in the process of setting that up. So some progress here. Good deal, Keep your chin up..
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 Oh yeah! Divorce question... If in a divorce all is not agreeable the lawyer would need a $2500 retainer fee for 10hrs and only goes in 10 hrs increments. Soo if I did have the lawyer on retainer and all wasn't agreeable in the divorce.. how would my wife with no job hire or pay for a lawyer??? How does that work? Would I be liable since I'm her source of income at the moment? Any insight on that?
riverratt Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 They will probably make you pay for hers. That is an observation from people I know.
Yasuandio Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 In his recent posting, Worldgonewrong's judge was requiring his wife to prove she was looking for work with job applications. Legal fees are determined st the end of the case. But a judge could make a temporary order to force you to pay her retainer until she obtains at least part-time employment. You gotta talk to you attorney about this. And it costs big bucks to go in front of the judge with yours and her respective representation. Maybe you could strike an agreement?
Author TheCollector Posted September 27, 2012 Author Posted September 27, 2012 OMG are you serious? That's ludicrous. How is that fair? That would be $5,000 just to start with possibility of even more... I'm gonna do some research real quick
2sunny Posted September 27, 2012 Posted September 27, 2012 Start worrying about YOU...let her figure out HER end of it... You should no longer feel responsible for how SHE'S gonna figure things out. Time for her to grow up!
Yasuandio Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 (edited) OMG are you serious? That's ludicrous. How is that fair? That would be $5,000 just to start with possibility of even more... I'm gonna do some research real quick Before you read this, I want you to clearly understand, I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY. My experience is limited to a 4 year protracted divorce which has recently been granted. That said, you could buy a very nice home with the cost of my legal fees alone. It is the most insane, stressful situation I have ever gone through or could imagine going though - the most ungodly total waste of money possible. In my case, the judge will be making the final decision who will pay what portion of whose fees, if any, now that the case is over. As I have come to understand the process, it is AFTER the trial that the judge makes this determination, whether the fees have to be paid by the Plantiff or the Defendant. Some things I've learned that he/she looks at are the "private" negotiations and mediation processes you went through, via written offers, - and asks him/her self, questions such as were the parties reasonable, did they make good faith offers to attempt to make a fair settlement before going to trial? That is why it is critical to take the mediation, negotiation, and settlement phase very seriously - even though the offers are confidential - the judge can partly rely on them in determining who pays the fees in the end. The judge will also look if anyone stretched out the litagation and boosted the costs unnecessarily. For instance, my trial was scheduled for May - but husband would not produce business and tax documents from 2010 and 2011 - so we had to request a postponement. And also, make a motion to compel him to produce the records. All of this BS is costly (not to mention the year or more of correspondence to try to get the records to start with). I'm not sure how the trial ot trial outcome factors into it. And the only other factor that I know about in determining legal fees is one I recently read about. That being, the one that has the money can end up paying the fees (but that doesn't mean anything - cause I just read it on the internet. However - it does seem like common sense, doesn't it?). Actually a judge could probably force you or your wife or both of you to sell everything to pay your fees if he/she wants to. I bet the judge can order anything practically. Remember - I AM NOT AN ATTORNEY. And my attorney fees are yet to be decided. But I can tell you this, if I have to pay all of my legal fees, I'm going to have to start selling a lot of my things. (Also remember, this is a 27 year marriage - which sometimes may not be so easy to dissolve - especially when there is animosity between the parties as a result of the legal process - which is advisarial in nature). Yas Edited September 28, 2012 by Yasuandio
riverratt Posted September 28, 2012 Posted September 28, 2012 I talked to mine today. He told me that he can't represent both of us but he could write the papers up and if she agreed it can be filled. If you could get her to sit down and agree on things the one attorney could take care of the legal junk. I do know that people have divorced without lawyers involved but that takes two people with heads on their shoulders and can sit down a come up with a plan. The wife and I are not arguing over anything so mine should be cake walk.
Author TheCollector Posted September 28, 2012 Author Posted September 28, 2012 Well apparently even though she cheated I could have to pay alimony and her lawyer feed possibly... That's unjust if you ask me....period....
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