Leigh 87 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Yeah, and the disgusting excuse for a human being (the OW) has not told her own husband!?!?? Seriously. What a low life. I cannot BELIEVE her husband does not know! Both her and your husband are such weak people. When he gets sick her her, his style is to just go hook up with another lady, rather than end things amicably. I wonder how they will be able to even trust each other. Aussie mum, I have had a "talk" to my partner of two years... We talked about only being together if we are oth 100% in it, and if we get feelings for other people to the point of wanting to act, that we MUST leave the relationship first. We have both agrees to only be in the relationship if we have a strong sense of wanting it to work in the first place, and do not want other people. .....................Lets hope my partner is who he says he is: a man who would rather break up with a girl, if she is not 100% the only one he wants.
Leigh 87 Posted September 30, 2012 Posted September 30, 2012 Oh, and Aussiemum - now that people now, I trust that your staying strong and being classy: not saying mean things about him or the OW.... People with half a brain will not look at you in pity; I wouldn't...I would honestly think " what a women, getting f*cked over like that and remaining dignified and not letting letting it effect her public image" good things are in store for people like you. and I would think " the only people I feel SORRY for, is the OW and the man involved.............. They are SUCH weak people, I would so rather be Aussiemum, than those two low lifes.... I would rather be a person with class and integrity, than two idiots who are too weak and selfish to do the right thing. trust me, people will think badly of them, not you, and a lot of people should feel sorry for them, due to the sh*tty people they are. 3
Author aussie mum Posted October 1, 2012 Author Posted October 1, 2012 Artie, I haven't yet . . . . but upon their return from their family holiday, regardless of their marital issues I will let him know what I know. I owe him a big apology too - its really crappy that I have kept this from him for so long. It is the fact that other people know, its just a bit like common knowledge out there. An equally crappy way to find out. For me, it is what needs to be done. Sunny, Leigh and Turnena thanks for the support and encouragement. I do intend to deal with this the same way that I have been - which is dignified. It makes no sense to me to be bad mouthing and vindictive. I am better than that and I will not compromise who I am for some sense of retribution. Question to ponder . . . . how much information is too much information? I ask questions of my H, that once I get the answer to sends me in a tailspin. Like, the first time they had sex it was in my bed, after her H birthday party where we all had a blast. This happened over 12 months ago and after that particular night we all spent the day together and I had NO idea. I think it is particularly hurtful as he has continually maintained he didn't know exactly when it all began and he did. LIAR. So full of BS. I just wonder how many more of these types of gems I am likely to get. Each time I feel as though I find my feet there is another disclosure of some sort. Now I don't often leave well enough alone mind you. I like to understand things, therefore if they don't make sense I will question from a thousand different angles to get to a point of understanding. You know what, they had sex before he lied to me about being at the pub with her and I told one of my closest friends that night that I thought he was sleeping with her because of one word 'wow'. If only I had continued to trust my instincts. BUT, I tried too. I spoke to her about it. I spoke to him. I continually put it all out there for reassurance/disclosure whatever. LIARS. I was my H only lover. I am not now. Hard fact to swallow. Packing up the house is tough. I knew that it was going to be confronting for me. Photos, trinkets of happy memories, wedding stuff. What to do with it all? Sorry, needed to vent!
seren Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 Aussiemum, reading your post is a reminder of all the crap that goes along with all the pain and hurt a D Day brings, that you are managing to still have 5 laughing, singing children in the car shows just how strong you are at keeping their lives normal, that is to be commended, much. The fallout is always hard, the knowledge that life seemingly seemed good is always a kicker, the gaslighting always makes us (general) feel foolish and ask ourselves how didn't we notice something was going on? It just means they were very good at gaslighting and is no reflection on you. The need for knowledge is familiar, I asked everything and anything, drip drip information is far harder to deal with, it is like multiple hurts, better to rip the plaster off in one go. I agree that you should direct people to your H if they are looking for answers, no more protecting him or excusing his actions, and of course tell the other BS, he deserves to know. The packing up of a lifetime of memories is hard, I would put them all in a box marked, to be dealt with later. Right now, you have enough to deal with. This will be possibly the worse of times, it can only get better, bit by bit you will get it together and be able to begin healing, right now it sounds like there is so much going on along with having to keep life rolling along for your children. Anything he should be dealing with, leave it to him to deal with. Sorry is such a small word for such a huge hurt, but I am sorry you are going through this. It's crap. xx Seren
Artie Lang Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 make sure you tell him everything, aussie. i mean EVERYTHING! leave nothing out.
Leigh 87 Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 Hey aussie mum, as a fellow Aussie I thought I would come and find your thread and check in on you. Obviously your not okay, but I just want to send my well wishes to you and your children.
Artie Lang Posted October 12, 2012 Posted October 12, 2012 same goes for me, aussie. i feel for you. stay strong.
Author aussie mum Posted October 26, 2012 Author Posted October 26, 2012 Thanks for checking in! Update on my life - I have moved houses and the kids and I are much more settled in a house that is finished and no business associates of my H know where I live so I am not facing confrontations at home anymore. My H is living and working interstate. For all intents and purposes we are separated. I do have regular contact with him and of course our children do too. I am teaching 9 out of 10 days a fortnight and pretty much busy as hell. Thats ok though because I find I don't cope as well when I am not busy. I don't like the weekends so much because no matter what else was going on, weekends were spend with my H - especially nights. I have been run down and unwell for the past couple of weeks but seem to be on the improve with that, thankfully! I guess I find nights lonely too. It is very different to put the kids to bed, organise the house and lunches etc for the next day and then . . . quiet. I would love to exercise but finding the time is extremely tough and I am missing hitting the gym - it was my saving grace earlier this year. I miss sex - it was such a big part of our marriage, our life for the past 16 years. I miss intimacy and easy company. I miss talking about the incidental things in my day. I am riding a roller coaster of emotions. My H came over for the weekend a few weekends ago and that was a lot more confronting than I anticipated. I can feel anger from the bottom of my toes, soccer punches of betrayal to the stomach or an overwhelming sense of loss. This is not how I thought my life would pan out and at this point in time I have lost not only my husband but two other really important people in my life. I feel as though I am the only person that has any tangiable consequences for their behaviour. I am the one that is questioned, looked at, pitied. I am the face of it as he has left. It sucks and makes me sad. I have concerns about running into them socially and that is also hard as we have many mutual friends. But then why do I have to be the one to miss out?? Though I know all the while that I do because I need to put my emotional well being first. Crappy because it will impact on my relationships with work collegues of mine. My relationship with my H is improving. Amazingly being away from us has allowed the 'fog' to lift. He has completely cut her out of his life and now continually states that even if I won't have him back he will not allow her to be in his life. He sounds so much more like the man that I married and fell in love with. He is ridiculously sorry for what he has done and is willing to do whatever it takes to fix this - for as long as it takes. All great in theory. He is very good at saying the right things. He is also finding it very difficult to be away from the kids. I had, for the first time since he left has, that smile and funny feeling in my tummy randomly that made me think 'I love you' in regards to him. That scares the absolute bejesus out of me. To me it means that I am allowing him back in to some degree, which also means that I am putting myself at HUGE risk of being hurt again. 2 months ago he was still very defensive and could not hear my hurt. That has changed. He continually apologises and is now sending me emails/texts reminding me that he loves me, misses me, that I am doing a great job teaching/parenting etc continually. But, I don't know that I can go back. I am having personal counselling and dealing with some long standing issues and swirling emotions and things. i am learning that it is ok to let myself feel. i am learning to accept my emotional responses and to acknowledge them, knowing they will pass. I am growing as a person. I know this is a good thing. i know that if we reconcile our relationship will be different. I am getting better at stating my needs and not putting everyone elses before my own. My network of friends/family that know the saga are supportive and I think I have said it before - slightly humbling. While that circle is small they have been tireless if I have needed to vent. They prove to be a good distraction. I guess I need to get better at not having distractions! So, in all my life is busy. I am coping, albeit lonely. My children are okay - in that they are settled and there are not any obvious signs of emotional distress. They are so resiliant and I am really proud of who they are. They have taken everything in their strides, and I guess they inherited that from me! I am hanging for a night out, sans kids with some drinks and dancing. I have reservations about the emotions hitting me when alcohol is involved though. Its like once my defenses are lowered BAM!! Feel that! So maybe a girly movie night would be better! Long winded and jumpy. Sorry!
BetrayedH Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Sorry to say that what struck me about your post is such willingness to open yourself to him after what amounts to two weeks of him "saying" the right things. As much as I love a reconciliation story, you need much more than this. I fear that while his fog "may" have lifted, yours has not. Stay strong for yourself and family, AM. My best to you.
Artie Lang Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 i take it, you've exposed them. sounds like you've made great strides in detaching from him. he seems to be snapping out of his "fog" a bit. i think it was the tangible consequences- you moving out. initially, you were pretty much enabling their atrocious behavior. now that hard consequences are being employed, it seems he is beginning to realize the destruction this has caused. i agree with BH, though. don't "let him in" that easily. make him work for it. he needs to demonstrate he's "all in." your love is not easily cast aside, nor is it easily won over. i lament your loniless, aussie. i feel for you.
turnera Posted October 26, 2012 Posted October 26, 2012 Good update. A couple things: First, what you need to do regarding friends is go right up to them and say 'so tell me what you think about ex and me and what happened.' ASK them to talk to you about it. Get it out in the open. Answer the questions they've been dying to know. Show them you're ok and you're moving on and YOU are not ashamed. So that they won't pity you. It all starts with you. Second, go out and get drunk. Have fun, get drunk, and then let the feelings take over. I'm guessing you NEED a night like that. Just make sure you have a friend ready to have your back (and hold your head over the toilet, lol). It will be good for you. Oh, one more. Many marriages recover from infidelity. But I think you're doing it the right way - being apart. Make him EARN a place back at your table. AFTER at least six months of counseling - IC as well as MC. Let a professional guide you two to a new place. (if you want him back)
Author aussie mum Posted October 27, 2012 Author Posted October 27, 2012 BetrayedH, thanks for your thoughts and I appreciate your honesty - no sorry is needed! It is good to get other peoples perspectives. His fog is definately lifting - perhaps mine has not. How will I know if it does? I am not niavely letting him back in. I am in constant conflict about it. Trust is the overriding thing for me and without that I just don't know that a relationship is sustainable. I know that my H is very good at saying all of the right things. Saying them is not good enough for me - I need to see them, experience them, consistantly. Therein lies part of the problem as reconciliation would entail me moving away to be with him. I have signed a 12 month lease and plan on seeing that out. I have family support here that I would seriously be lost without. My family are the only reason I get any time to myself! My parents adore my children and help me out enormously. I have dear, dear friends that I would hate to leave. My H has been largely absent, as a father as well as a husband. He wants to rectify this, make solid changes that will benefit our children, benefit me. He wants to be the support that I recieve from my family. He wants to be the person that I turn to first. I hear that and want to believe but how can I? Turena, thanks and you know what? He is coming to visit next weekend so I might just leave him at home with the kids and have big night out! I appreciate the words of support. Thanks Artie, I fully intend to make him earn himself another shot. There are no quick fixes (kinda feel as though I went through them earlier in the year anyways!). Any suggestions on how to combat the lonliness?? I have not had contact with the OBS as he doesn't want too. I have tried to set up a chat but to no avail. They are having marital issues and I imagine that he has been told he is not allowed to see me. Plus he loves his wife, he wants to work things out with her. He doesn't want further complications, I guess. Well, I don't really know what he knows to be honest.
Author aussie mum Posted October 28, 2012 Author Posted October 28, 2012 Wow, just a poster . . . Ouch! That hurt to read last night and still hurt again today. Thanks for the thought provoking response. Clearly my opinion of my H is not that low. BUT I am trying to protect myself and I do not need him in my life. I am very capable and all of that. I am not reliant on him for anything and do not ever want to experience what I have over the past 12 months ever again. Turnera, I am lonely at night, on weekends. It is hard as money is now tight to go and do things that cost - or involve a lot of driving as I just can't afford it. I am not lonely for company so much but just that sharing your life with someone. That easy talk about the day, someone sitting on the couch watching a movie with you. Some one to share a Sunday cookup breakfast. And sex. I think I mentioned that I miss sex, a lot. I have my children, and they keep me very busy. I have my job, which I love. I have my kids sporting events, my coaching roles. I have my family and my friends. But they aren't laying in bed next to me having a chat. They are not holding my hand under my pillow as I fall asleep. They are not here at the end of a long hard day to give me a hug. I am so grateful for all that I have in my life and the stability that my world now has. Change is never easy i guess and it takes time to get used too. Celebrating two of my children's birthdays this week has been tough for me personally as I kinda feel like I am the cheer leader so often. My eldest son had his uniform fitting to start high school next year and I did that all on my own. Not that it is a bad thing, not at all. Just a little emotional for me - and no one intuitively realises that I need a hug (or to have a good cry). I keep myself together so well most of the time. But I am so not always okay. . .
Author aussie mum Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Wow, life has been a topsy turvy ride this year and I am so looking forward to writing 2012 off and beginning the new year. I have secured a fulltime job at a local secondary college and am very happy with thefit for my family. My children are tired but they have pushed on in such great spirits I will always be proud of the way that they have conducted themsleves. We are settled in the new place andlife has a rythm to it that is pleasant enough. My husband is returning to the state next week, in order to help me with the kids next year and it is his hope that he and I can move forward and create the life together that we once dreamt of. I told him yesterday that I am not 100% committed to our relationship. He hasnot taken this well. My question to you all is what would you tell him, if you could reach him? what advice can you offer him? I have a sneaking suspicion that he has been reading my posts. 2
turnera Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I would tell him that he has done the worst thing imaginable to the ONE person he vowed to protect. That he doesn't DESERVE a third or fourth chance, not without several YEARS of kissing your ass and doing anything and everything you ask, WITHOUT COMPLAINING. That if he can't do that for at least the next TWO YEARS, then YOU need to kick him out of your life. 1
2sunny Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Wow, life has been a topsy turvy ride this year and I am so looking forward to writing 2012 off and beginning the new year. I have secured a fulltime job at a local secondary college and am very happy with thefit for my family. My children are tired but they have pushed on in such great spirits I will always be proud of the way that they have conducted themsleves. We are settled in the new place andlife has a rythm to it that is pleasant enough. My husband is returning to the state next week, in order to help me with the kids next year and it is his hope that he and I can move forward and create the life together that we once dreamt of. I told him yesterday that I am not 100% committed to our relationship. He hasnot taken this well. My question to you all is what would you tell him, if you could reach him? what advice can you offer him? I have a sneaking suspicion that he has been reading my posts. I'd tell him to do counseling for at least 3 years before you'd consider anything with him! Does he know what caused his cheating? Has he emitted it? What specifically has he done to prevent the cheating in the future? We're does his moral compass stand now? Has he cheated since you two have been apart recently? Has he spent ANY time and energy on ANY other women? What A TIONS is he DOING to show you that HE'S a CHANGED man (morally)? If he can't answer these questions straight away - he's still got SERIOUS problems with his moral code. There isn't any reason to give taking him back any consideration until he shows EVIDENCE over the next few years that he doesn't have it in him anymore to cheat! I hope he's reading - and I hope he responds! Glad you're moving FORWARD - that is key! I'd bet money he's still been cheating! 1
2sunny Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I would tell him that he has done the worst thing imaginable to the ONE person he vowed to protect. That he doesn't DESERVE a third or fourth chance, not without several YEARS of kissing your ass and doing anything and everything you ask, WITHOUT COMPLAINING. That if he can't do that for at least the next TWO YEARS, then YOU need to kick him out of your life. Ahahaha - turnera - we posted at the same time! Glad you think the same general timeline applies - yearS of proving he's trustworthy! ALL passwords, money spent, time spent (with who and doing what) should be accounted for to regain trust. Phone bills, credit cards shown etc! FULL disclosure! As IF he's a child - since he's acted like one.
Summer Breeze Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 I wouldn't tell HIM anything. I'd tell you this. You've made some positive and great steps in your life and you did them without him. I'd tell you that you don't need him and you know now that you can move on without him. Take your time and see if that isn't maybe what you want to do. I wouldn't want him to come help me with the kids because I wouldn't want him to be in my life in any way but that could be down to necessity for your situation. I still wouldn't let him take care of the kids in your home. I wouldn't let him talk about anything but the kids. I would keep living your life and see what you think. Let him prove himself to you by letting you have that freedom. He doesn't deserve to be in the middle of your life and he may never deserve it. I would say to you. Be proud of what you've done and take your time. What happened is all very fresh and new. Make sure if you go back you are 100% in it. Imagine how hard it would be to bust it all apart in 5 years because you rushed back this time. You're doing really well. Don't go too fast right now. Good luck! 5
2sunny Posted December 10, 2012 Posted December 10, 2012 Have you fully exposed to the OW's husband yet? If not do it TODAY! Call him at his work if you need to! But tell him everything ASAP! He needs to know who his wife REALLY is!
Recommended Posts