You all tried to tell me . . . .

[GLDheart]

Simply point the other betrayed spouse here:

 

Infidelity - LoveShack.org Community Forums

 

Tell him you post under the user name "aussie mum". Tell him if he doesn't wan't to know, to stay away...

 

..but if he wants the truth and a little bit of commiseration, guidance, and support from those that have been exactly where he is then he should click on through.

[Spark1111]

2sunny, I so hear what you are saying. It is something I struggle with every single day.

 

To know you are going to inflict such awful realities on someone you care deeply about is HARD. I have given him alot - without the nasty facts.

 

I am not proud of my actions/inactions in regards to him. I haven't seen him for awhile to be honest, and as I mentioned earlier, their marriage is rocky at the moment and I do believe that she is going to leave him. So then I think, why inflict more pain if the end result is the same?

 

You aren't inflicting pain. They did with their actions. You are just informing the man of what has happened in his life without his knowledge or consent.

 

The other spouse was your friend, yes? Friends do NOT keep their spouse's affair secret from each other.

 

Your H has lost everything and wasn't there a health scare too?

 

He sounds like the classic affair flip-flopper and aussiemom, this could go on for years wreaking a heavy emotional toll on you and your children, only if you ALLOW it.

 

Time to end all conversations of a romantic nature and wish him and his love for his OW well. Refuse to discuss anything but the children you two share.

 

Stay busy and focus on you.

 

I have a friend who was in a similiar sitch, and her H flip-flopped for three years!

[Artie Lang]

aussie, you really do need to inform this man the true nature of this affair.

 

you've been protecting these two long enough.

 

do it, already.

[aussie mum]

CominginHot - I do have a great bunch of people around me, who are probably angrier than me. This can be hard as it is difficult for me to be the person that they vent to about my H. Or that they discuss my situation with others (but I can't control what they do with the information either I guess). This has really hurt a lot of people. And for what??

BetrayedH, yeah I get it. He is away at the moment also and it is not the kind of info I am going to divulge over the phone. GLDheart I like your idea. Tangiable and I don't have to see the hurt or feel the direct responsibility. Because I do feel responsibility. I lied to him for them (and they were lying to me). Again I am not proud of the choices that I have made here. They are in direct conflict with the person that I am, and what I stand for. Artie, I hear you!

 

Spark, nice to hear from you again. Yes. Incurable kidney disease. I am not prepared to be flip-flopped. So in a nutshell it has been a horrendous year for us, the affair and all that entails, business liquidation, losing the house & income etc, kidney disease. Major upheavals constantly.

 

But, I am 34, have 5 amazing children and a life to be lived. I have support and am capable of providing for my family. A bit of a tough gig on your own. I find the quiet times incredibly hard. As I do answering my childrens questions. He is their father, and I don't want to shape their perception of him.

 

Do you know what I want? I want him to say it is over, rather than telling me he will never be good enough for me. I don't want to be the one that makes that final call. I want him to take responsibility for that.

[g450]

He is in love with her but is also in love with me.

 

No Aussie Mum, he is not in love with you. Sorry but you need to understand this. If he were, you would not be on this forum to begin with.

 

You can and will recover from this. But it takes time. As others have said, lawyer up and go NC.

 

You deserve better. Lots of good mature loving and faithful men out there that would kill to be with a woman who has your ethics and morals. I know because I am one of them. And it took me three years to find a woman that thought the same way after my divorce. Give it time.

[j'adore]

No Aussie Mum, he is not in love with you. Sorry but you need to understand this. If he were, you would not be on this forum to begin with.

 

You can and will recover from this. But it takes time. As others have said, lawyer up and go NC.

 

You deserve better. Lots of good mature loving and faithful men out there that would kill to be with a woman who has your ethics and morals. I know because I am one of them. And it took me three years to find a woman that thought the same way after my divorce. Give it time.

 

I don't agree as an OW I believe he can love her and be in love with someone else. It is not the same kind of love, but love nonetheless.

[ComingInHot]

AussieMom:

 

I have to tell you that reading your story has SO unsettled. I am running parralel in the recovery/reconciliation stage. And although I know it's over between FWH & OW, I can't help but wonder if your story could end up being mine...

 

As far as "love" goes... if you look at the definition, please ask yourself, is it that he loves too many, just himself or no one not even himself...

 

I found out yesterday that my husband began loving himself to a point where he felt he deserved what he wanted when he wanted and I wasn't giving him the constant attention he needed. So he got it ( again got it even more than he wanted) w/OW.

 

After his A, he realized there are more than just his needs that must be met. I hope we/he stays the path w/his love of me & himself. But there was "love" in his equation, however twisted, at the time. I hope this makes sense*

[Spark1111]

CominginHot - I do have a great bunch of people around me, who are probably angrier than me. This can be hard as it is difficult for me to be the person that they vent to about my H. Or that they discuss my situation with others (but I can't control what they do with the information either I guess). This has really hurt a lot of people. And for what??

BetrayedH, yeah I get it. He is away at the moment also and it is not the kind of info I am going to divulge over the phone. GLDheart I like your idea. Tangiable and I don't have to see the hurt or feel the direct responsibility. Because I do feel responsibility. I lied to him for them (and they were lying to me). Again I am not proud of the choices that I have made here. They are in direct conflict with the person that I am, and what I stand for. Artie, I hear you!

 

Spark, nice to hear from you again. Yes. Incurable kidney disease. I am not prepared to be flip-flopped. So in a nutshell it has been a horrendous year for us, the affair and all that entails, business liquidation, losing the house & income etc, kidney disease. Major upheavals constantly.

 

But, I am 34, have 5 amazing children and a life to be lived. I have support and am capable of providing for my family. A bit of a tough gig on your own. I find the quiet times incredibly hard. As I do answering my childrens questions. He is their father, and I don't want to shape their perception of him.

 

Do you know what I want? I want him to say it is over, rather than telling me he will never be good enough for me. I don't want to be the one that makes that final call. I want him to take responsibility for that.

 

My H also said I was too good for him. I think that was just another line to appease his guilty conscience.

 

If I was too GOOD for him, what the hell did that make his OW? Less good? Just good enough? Did NOT make sense.

 

And I agree. Do not pull the trigger on the D until you are absolutely sure. Why do the dirty work for them. It is just another attempt to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

 

Don't want me? Then YOU divorce me.

 

Tell him you are too busy working to support 5 children to afford a divorce, BUT you are moving on anyways.

 

Buh bye. Hope you're happy. I gotta go. CLICK.

[aussie mum]

[

 

You deserve better. Lots of good mature loving and faithful men out there that would kill to be with a woman who has your ethics and morals. I know because I am one of them. And it took me three years to find a woman that thought the same way after my divorce. Give it time.

 

Thanks, was nice to read!

 

I don't agree as an OW I believe he can love her and be in love with someone else. It is not the same kind of love, but love nonetheless

 

Do you know what? I do believe that you can love more than one person, absolutely. I have 5 children and I love all of them. I have numerous friends (male and female) that I love and tell them that regularly. I love lots of people . . . but that love did not threaten my marriage.

 

I have to tell you that reading your story has SO unsettled. I am running parralel in the recovery/reconciliation stage. And although I know it's over between FWH & OW, I can't help but wonder if your story could end up being mine...

 

I hope not and sincerely wish you all the best. I would not want for another person to go through what I have. It is the pits. It is the ability to lie that has me dumbstruck and my breaking point. Just stay with you gut feeling!

 

Spark - you interpret things so much like me. It makes no sense (the 'I'm not goood enough for you' mantra. And wholeheartedly agree with the what is the OW then too. How can WH be so blind to see the way the psyche alters to accept conlicting thoughts and behaviours. That talking about it all in the very first instance (to me here btw!) may have stopped anything from happening at all. Desire and attraction are a normal part of human existance. Internalising that because the 'thoughts' are wrong is so destructive. Thoughts led to actions, actions to lies, lies to HURT. And the cycle repeats. Meanwhile the OW can accept him for all that he presents to her but I am too good for him? Blergh!

 

He is still spouting a want for me and the kids - but, still talks to her, texts her. He can't see that this behaviour is destructive and throwing another handful of dirt onto the tomb of our marriage. 'But I am telling you that I want you, and if you can't see that I don't know what else I can do' was his angry statement to me last night. He just does not get it. Doesn't compute that what I understand is that theoretically he wants me and wants to do all that entails, but in reality he still can't let her go. That if things don't work out with me he is hedging his bets, not prepared to 'hurt' her like it would if he flat out rejected her phone calls etc so that he might be a chance if things don't work out here. Frustrating.

[Spark1111]

[

 

Thanks, was nice to read!

 

 

 

Do you know what? I do believe that you can love more than one person, absolutely. I have 5 children and I love all of them. I have numerous friends (male and female) that I love and tell them that regularly. I love lots of people . . . but that love did not threaten my marriage.

 

 

 

I hope not and sincerely wish you all the best. I would not want for another person to go through what I have. It is the pits. It is the ability to lie that has me dumbstruck and my breaking point. Just stay with you gut feeling!

 

Spark - you interpret things so much like me. It makes no sense (the 'I'm not goood enough for you' mantra. And wholeheartedly agree with the what is the OW then too. How can WH be so blind to see the way the psyche alters to accept conlicting thoughts and behaviours. That talking about it all in the very first instance (to me here btw!) may have stopped anything from happening at all. Desire and attraction are a normal part of human existance. Internalising that because the 'thoughts' are wrong is so destructive. Thoughts led to actions, actions to lies, lies to HURT. And the cycle repeats. Meanwhile the OW can accept him for all that he presents to her but I am too good for him? Blergh!

 

He is still spouting a want for me and the kids - but, still talks to her, texts her. He can't see that this behaviour is destructive and throwing another handful of dirt onto the tomb of our marriage. 'But I am telling you that I want you, and if you can't see that I don't know what else I can do' was his angry statement to me last night. He just does not get it. Doesn't compute that what I understand is that theoretically he wants me and wants to do all that entails, but in reality he still can't let her go. That if things don't work out with me he is hedging his bets, not prepared to 'hurt' her like it would if he flat out rejected her phone calls etc so that he might be a chance if things don't work out here. Frustrating.

 

Ok...here is where the angry diva backbone comes in.

 

If she is what you want, then go get her. Stop calling me! I need a man who loves and respects me and MY children and is faithful and loving to ONLY me. That is what I need and want and deserve and it is so not you right now, maybe never.

 

So, ...go be happy with her. I do not share my man, and GOD knows, I would never want to be with a man that could share me with another.

 

So what are YOUR expectations of me here? I intend to find a man who wants only me, and I him .....for life. And I'm sorry it is not you because I really loved you.

 

You can visit the children whenever you'd like with some advance notice.

 

Gotta go now, late for the _____fillin theblank: gym, job, friends night out, family party, etc.

 

Then HANG UP. Take yourself right out of the triangle. End his drama filled depression. Do not give him any reason to hang on to you, or talk to her about you, or pine away for you, or pine away for her, blah, blah, blah.

 

And PLEASE expose the affair. I know your family and friends know, but her's do not.

 

Make it out in the open so they cannot continue to hide and plot and plan and weep and bemoan their self-created Romeo and Juliet romance....

 

Want to be together? Man and woman up and do it NOW. Like real grown-ups.

[Steen719]

[

 

He is still spouting a want for me and the kids - but, still talks to her, texts her. He can't see that this behaviour is destructive and throwing another handful of dirt onto the tomb of our marriage. 'But I am telling you that I want you, and if you can't see that I don't know what else I can do' was his angry statement to me last night. He just does not get it. Doesn't compute that what I understand is that theoretically he wants me and wants to do all that entails, but in reality he still can't let her go. That if things don't work out with me he is hedging his bets, not prepared to 'hurt' her like it would if he flat out rejected her phone calls etc so that he might be a chance if things don't work out here. Frustrating.

 

Good God! My XH did the same thing to me. He was telling me every day that he wanted me to stay there with him and I would say "But you are still talking to ***". Every single flipping day! I would repeat the same thing every single time he said something like that to me. He would, and does, to this day, blame me for leaving, because he "kept saying he wanted to work it out and I chose to leave". The insight of a gnat, which is what I told the counselor. He has very little capability to see beyond his wants and needs - still talking to her and telling me he wanted me to stay. Idiot.

 

Tell him to take a hike. He must commit to you and you alone and if he unable to do it, then you will have his answer.

[whichwayisup]

'But I am telling you that I want you, and if you can't see that I don't know what else I can do' was his angry statement to me last night

Does he truly not 'get it' ? It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure it out.. Does he not understand that he needs to stop ALL forms of contact and go NC mode with OW and then possibly your marriage can be fixed? Or at least given a shot at it. Right now he doesn't seem too remorseful..Sure, the words maybe and possibly some tears too but his actions (stopping all contact with her, ending it once and for all) don't show you he's ready to own his shi.t and do everything required to gain your faith, trust and respect again. He is blowing it and sadly, the guy seems duh .. Is he in a fog? or did he hit head?

 

Sorry for your pain. Focus on you, your kids, friends and family. Keep busy and please- GO pamper yourself. Do a spa day with some friends, go shopping etc.. Make you feel good.

[j'adore]

I have to say i don't understand this either. Since d day my mm has kept in touch, he even parks outside the house three streets away from his:! I don't know what is going on at home but he continues to contact me. I haven't decided what to do yet. If I was a BS i would have been round to my house and checked if he was there. I would have checked his phone. I would have insisted he stop all contact with ME. She is not even checking on him by all accounts. While ever he is still in contact with her the relationship and feelings still exist. I am sorry, that does not mean he does not have feelings for you, but you are dealing with someone who wants to see where the boundaries lie. Personally I would rather my MM was told this and then see what he would choose.

[turnera]

I don't want to be the one that makes that final call. I want him to take responsibility for that.

But the weakness that drove him to cheat will probably not allow for that. Best to do what needs to be done.

[turnera]

But I am telling you that I want you, and if you can't see that I don't know what else I can do' was his angry statement to me last night.

The only response you can have at this point is "Prove it. Until then I have nothing to say to you."

[g450]

I don't agree as an OW I believe he can love her and be in love with someone else. It is not the same kind of love' date=' but love nonetheless.[/quote']

 

Yeah right.

 

You dont DO THAT to somebody you love. It's simply a matter of selfishness and nothing more. Some people dont have a clue what love really is.

[aussie mum]

Thanks for your replies - it is always nice to check in here and see that people have given me their thoughts.

 

g450- thanks. I also think one shouldn't do that to the one that you love.

 

Turnera - Yep, I think you are onto something.

 

To the others, I have read and pondered your thoughts for a couple of days. I really do appreciate the support. Spark, as ever I love your way with words.

 

I had a counselling session last night and she was pleased with the progress I am making personally - we are working on self worth and sense of self. She remarked that I seem to have stepped off the rollercoaster and you know what, she is right. I am more settled, more stable and I am capable of doing this all by myself (its just that I didn't want to ).

 

It is school holidays here and that is always a little tough as I am at home with the kids for two weeks. The challenge for me is not the kids but my own mind warfare that is subdued when I am busy. But, there is plenty to keep me occupied too, I guess - packing up the house and all!

 

What a sad and sorry state of affairs my life has become!

[Steen719]

Thanks for your replies - it is always nice to check in here and see that people have given me their thoughts.

 

g450- thanks. I also think one shouldn't do that to the one that you love.

 

Turnera - Yep, I think you are onto something.

 

To the others, I have read and pondered your thoughts for a couple of days. I really do appreciate the support. Spark, as ever I love your way with words.

 

I had a counselling session last night and she was pleased with the progress I am making personally - we are working on self worth and sense of self. She remarked that I seem to have stepped off the rollercoaster and you know what, she is right. I am more settled, more stable and I am capable of doing this all by myself (its just that I didn't want to ).

 

It is school holidays here and that is always a little tough as I am at home with the kids for two weeks. The challenge for me is not the kids but my own mind warfare that is subdued when I am busy. But, there is plenty to keep me occupied too, I guess - packing up the house and all!

 

What a sad and sorry state of affairs my life has become!

 

UGH! I know that feeling and I am truly so sorry you feel like this. It is difficult to realize your life has changed so drastically when that wasn't your plan. I surely did not expect to be where I am today, but it is not altogether bad and while I cannot say that I am jumping up and down with joy, acceptance comes along. Feel better.

[Spark1111]

Thanks for your replies - it is always nice to check in here and see that people have given me their thoughts.

 

g450- thanks. I also think one shouldn't do that to the one that you love.

 

Turnera - Yep, I think you are onto something.

 

To the others, I have read and pondered your thoughts for a couple of days. I really do appreciate the support. Spark, as ever I love your way with words.

 

I had a counselling session last night and she was pleased with the progress I am making personally - we are working on self worth and sense of self. She remarked that I seem to have stepped off the rollercoaster and you know what, she is right. I am more settled, more stable and I am capable of doing this all by myself (its just that I didn't want to ).

 

It is school holidays here and that is always a little tough as I am at home with the kids for two weeks. The challenge for me is not the kids but my own mind warfare that is subdued when I am busy. But, there is plenty to keep me occupied too, I guess - packing up the house and all!

 

What a sad and sorry state of affairs my life has become!

 

No, now is just the beginning of the next chapter in your life, where your wants and needs are the focus....that and raising your children to the very best of your ability.

 

Whether you reconcile or divorce, make sure you remain your focus. Get stronger to become the very best YOU, you can be.

 

And bring that smart, kind, loving and resourceful woman with you wherever you go, with whomever you meet.

[2sunny]

No, now is just the beginning of the next chapter in your life, where your wants and needs are the focus....that and raising your children to the very best of your ability.

 

Whether you reconcile or divorce, make sure you remain your focus. Get stronger to become the very best YOU, you can be.

 

And bring that smart, kind, loving and resourceful woman with you wherever you go, with whomever you meet.

 

I second this! Great suggestion!

[Leigh 87]

I cannot believe you even spoke to your " best friend" again after she fooled around with your husband.

 

This is completely MIND BLOWING to me. You stil talked to her civily after she got with your husband@>?!!!?!?!?

 

 

 

 

.......................... Whatever you once had, I hope you with the help of a professional, which you say your getting, can help you come to terms with things.

 

I hope you can learn to look back and appreciate the wonderful time you had with this man.

 

True love does not always have to end, but it can and does every day.

 

Once you heal from this, you will see that there are honourable me out there who will never cheat on you or lie to you.

 

You should not have talked to that b*tch again, but you did it because you were trying to be a good person, and for the sake of your family and public image.

 

Your a strong women, and plenty of men would really admire that and love the chance to have a women like yourself.

 

 

 

 

I wish you the best of luck during this horrible time.

[aussie mum]

Thanks guys. I am having a hard time of it at the moment. I feel alone, yet am surrounded by a great network of friends and family. But they aren't here in the evenings, they aren't keeping me warm at night, they aren't chatting to me about my day. Ugh, I am sad.

 

And that frustrates me too, because I don't want to be. Reading your posts Steen, Leigh, Spark and Sunny have bought tears to my eyes - which tells me I am not in a great emotional head space right now.

 

I have had people calling me, telling me that 'others' have been talking about the 'affair'. That is was so known out there in the wider world. What a fool I have been, and let myself be. Some of my H family are hearing things and calling me for confirmation. Its hard. He got to leave and I deal with his mess - from the business and from his affair. I get to deal with my childrens questions, other peoples questions. I get to drive along in the moment to have a soccer punch to the stomach out of nowhere, He. Slept. With. Her. And have to continue to function because of the 5 smiling faces I have singing/laughing/chatting in the car with me.

 

I know that I needed him to leave and I know that it is the best for him away as he will not find work locally, and there are still a lot of angry people here (from business stuff), but when I am feeling crap, it just all seems so unfair.

 

I would give anything to just have some strong arms around me, letting me cry and reassuring me that it is going to be ok.

 

But I know that it is, and these are just feelings that will pass and I have to go through them, and all of that . . . . Still sucks!

[2sunny]

((((((hugs)))))

 

 

 

I learned that I didn't need to answer questions from anyone.

 

If anyone wants to know - have them call your husband.

 

You're not alone. We've all been there.

 

It does get better - but it's best to keep moving forward. Even standing still made me feel like I was going backwards.

 

Just do today - makes it more manageable.

 

When I feel down - it helps me when I get busy helping someone else.

[Artie Lang]

first off, i want to commend you on your resilient nature. you are some kind of woman, let me tell you.

 

now.....i know you don't want to address this, but have you told her husband yet? this woman needs to bear the consequences for her actions.

her world needs to come crashing down, also.

 

it's unfair that you're bearing the brunt of this, while she hides behind a facade and her husband remains oblivious.

 

you need to act NOW!!!

[turnera]

Aussie, one thing I would advise you is to get MAD! and STAY mad. How DARE he do this to your family?!

 

Ok?

 

Don't slink around with your tail between your legs. HE is the *******, not you. HE deserves to be vilified, whispered about, NOT YOU. Stay mad. It will serve you well.