You all tried to tell me . . . .

[aussie mum]

Ugh, how I wish I could have heard what you all said to me. I wish that I listened to my instincts screaming at me. Instead I let my faith in the goodness of the man that I married override all of that. I believed him. I believed in him. I believed that we could recover from the damage done, and then . . .

 

He disclosed that he has had sex with her. Before our 'D day'.

 

He has continued to have 'booty' calls with her whilst we were rebuilding (well until he stopped it all in April - about the time of the third 'I love you Sarah's in my bed).

 

He has blatantly lied to my face.

 

He has watched me break, let me feel guilty and hurt me so very badly.

 

He has not protected my heart, our marriage, our children.

 

He is in love with her but is also in love with me.

 

He wants to work things out with me (but how do I even begin to believe the words that fall from his mouth?)

 

I thought that my foundation had been rocked before. It is has now been blasted into a thousand tiny pieces. I BELIEVED him. How bloody niave am I? I never thought that my husband and my best friend could do this to me, to themselves, to her husband. Who are these people?

 

How does one begin to recover from this?

[2sure]

This happened to me. I'm sorry for where you are right now.

When he cheats once, you realize he has changed, is not the man he was.

The second time, it changes YOU.

People do reconcile even after a hurt like this...I divorced.

[2sure]

That's great advice! Do get your ducks in order. Knowing you have the option of leaving will empower you somewhat and you need that.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry for your pain.

 

He blew it. Big time. What a f9rktard..

 

Get counselling for you and your children to help cope with all this and the upcoming changes.

 

Tell him to pack his shi.t and GO to the other woman. Let him get used to life without you in it.

 

Oh and do talk to a lawyer.

[Steen719]

This happened to me. I'm sorry for where you are right now.

When he cheats once, you realize he has changed, is not the man he was.

The second time, it changes YOU.

People do reconcile even after a hurt like this...I divorced.

 

Ditto for me, exactly. I could not have found a better way to say it.

 

Don't berate yourself for being a loving, trusting woman who wanted to believe your husband. You gave it what it needed, he did not. The biggest reason we saw it is because we have lived it.

 

Good advice to see a lawyer, get some help to get through it and I hope you have dropped the "best friend" and told her husband now that you know the real truth. If I remember correctly, he thought it was just friendly, also.

 

I'm sorry, really. It so sucks to be where you are and many of us know it.

 

**hugs**

[96nole]

Ugh, how I wish I could have heard what you all said to me. I wish that I listened to my instincts screaming at me. Instead I let my faith in the goodness of the man that I married override all of that. I believed him. I believed in him. I believed that we could recover from the damage done, and then . . .

 

He disclosed that he has had sex with her. Before our 'D day'.

 

He has continued to have 'booty' calls with her whilst we were rebuilding (well until he stopped it all in April - about the time of the third 'I love you Sarah's in my bed).

 

He has blatantly lied to my face.

 

He has watched me break, let me feel guilty and hurt me so very badly.

 

He has not protected my heart, our marriage, our children.

 

He is in love with her but is also in love with me.

 

He wants to work things out with me (but how do I even begin to believe the words that fall from his mouth?)

 

I thought that my foundation had been rocked before. It is has now been blasted into a thousand tiny pieces. I BELIEVED him. How bloody niave am I? I never thought that my husband and my best friend could do this to me, to themselves, to her husband. Who are these people?

 

How does one begin to recover from this?

 

Please stop blaming yourself. He took advantage of you and your trust. It's not your fault. He is what he is. You now see him for what he really is. As much as it hurts, he has shown you his true self.

 

He is telling you he wants to work it out, do not believe him.

 

You begin to recover from this one day at a time, one step at a time. And sometimes, one breath at a time.

[ladyabstrused]

Ugh, how I wish I could have heard what you all said to me. I wish that I listened to my instincts screaming at me. Instead I let my faith in the goodness of the man that I married override all of that. I believed him. I believed in him. I believed that we could recover from the damage done, and then . . .

 

He disclosed that he has had sex with her. Before our 'D day'.

 

He has continued to have 'booty' calls with her whilst we were rebuilding (well until he stopped it all in April - about the time of the third 'I love you Sarah's in my bed).

 

He has blatantly lied to my face.

 

He has watched me break, let me feel guilty and hurt me so very badly.

 

He has not protected my heart, our marriage, our children.

 

He is in love with her but is also in love with me.

 

He wants to work things out with me (but how do I even begin to believe the words that fall from his mouth?)

 

I thought that my foundation had been rocked before. It is has now been blasted into a thousand tiny pieces. I BELIEVED him. How bloody niave am I? I never thought that my husband and my best friend could do this to me, to themselves, to her husband. Who are these people?

 

How does one begin to recover from this?

 

*big big hug*

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :\

 

Don't have great advice for you, but I think the other posters above are quite right. Take it one step at a time and be strong. You learn from these heartbreaks and well I think things happen for a reason. I'm sure there's a lot you can take away from this experience, though it must be a real heartache for you.

 

Please take care of yourself and try not to think too negatively. I hope you have someone whom you can gather support from. If not, we're all here to hear you out and support you.

 

You can recover from this. But don't rush it. It's like the saying goes, the best way to overcome something is to get through it. One step at a time. *hugs* All the best, aussie mum.

[2sunny]

I looked back at my advice last spring...

 

Have you told her H the whole truth? Have you cut that woman and your cheating H out of your life?

 

Have you required him o move - have you filed for D?

 

If not, do it now!

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

You ignored taking the necessary action last spring - time to do it now.

 

Bad behavior has consequences - apparently he didn't have enough consequences last spring.

 

Exposé to everyone - including both employers.

[Summer Breeze]

I remember your story so well AM. I am sorry that your trust and faith weren't rewarded but I'm sad to say I'm not surprised.

 

The posters above have given you great advice and I hope you take it to heart. Your biggest concern right now is to protect you and your kids. I know in the past you were worried about public perception. Screw that. You've done nothing wrong and you should hold your head high. Show your kids what a strong woman looks like AM.

 

You were so sad and so down on yourself last spring. I think I actually made a comment about you licking your wounds now and then come roaring back. So now you go off (and come here for support) and you lick the wounds again. One day you will roar again, even if you don't believe that now.

[2sunny]

I remember your story so well AM. I am sorry that your trust and faith weren't rewarded but I'm sad to say I'm not surprised.

 

The posters above have given you great advice and I hope you take it to heart. Your biggest concern right now is to protect you and your kids. I know in the past you were worried about public perception. Screw that. You've done nothing wrong and you should hold your head high. Show your kids what a strong woman looks like AM.

 

You were so sad and so down on yourself last spring. I think I actually made a comment about you licking your wounds now and then come roaring back. So now you go off (and come here for support) and you lick the wounds again. One day you will roar again, even if you don't believe that now.

 

She will if she changes everything!

 

If she leaves it the same - it will remain the same. He's not intending to change it. He hasn't repaired the damage he caused.

 

It won't change unless she takes the action to take HER power back!

[Summer Breeze]

She will if she changes everything!

 

If she leaves it the same - it will remain the same. He's not intending to change it. He hasn't repaired the damage he caused.

 

It won't change unless she takes the action to take HER power back!

 

I couldn't agree more and that's why I referred to the other posts giving such great advice. I didn't see the sense in saying what everyone else had so perfectly said. It was also why I made reference to her letting go of her caring what other people thought of their situation.

[seren]

Oh Aussie Mum, I am so, so sorry. First things first, you think about what you want to happen. If it's that you divorce, then he has to leave, if not, then he has to go NC, today. Tell her H, that is a given. Then come back to LS. I reconciled have been 5 years now. But as it is so new to you, you have to decide what you want, then the right advice for your situation can be given.

 

Get some support for you IRL, the early days are so dreadful and having someone to talk to really helps. Take very good care of you xxx and don't for one moment blame yourself.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry you ended up going thru this. As others have said, I also went thru the same thing (well, close enough anyway - 7 months believing her lies). I believed that she would never lie to me again. I was dreadfully wrong.

 

I suggest you detach as soon as you can logistically do so. Only conversations about the kids, finances, and divorce. Cut out face-to-face contact except for exchanging the kids. You can say that you did what you could. You just can't change some people. It really is astonishing.

 

It has changed me forever but life does go on. A sadness remains with me but I know it will fade more and more over time. Something caught me funny today and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes. Kinda caught me off guard. My children are also adorable and that is a pleasant distraction from time to time.

 

Cut yourself some slack and try to use your head instead of your heart for a while. I wish I had more to say. My thoughts are with you tonight and I wish you a speedy recovery.

[todreaminblue]

Ugh, how I wish I could have heard what you all said to me. I wish that I listened to my instincts screaming at me. Instead I let my faith in the goodness of the man that I married override all of that. I believed him. I believed in him. I believed that we could recover from the damage done, and then . . .

 

He disclosed that he has had sex with her. Before our 'D day'.

 

He has continued to have 'booty' calls with her whilst we were rebuilding (well until he stopped it all in April - about the time of the third 'I love you Sarah's in my bed).

 

He has blatantly lied to my face.

 

He has watched me break, let me feel guilty and hurt me so very badly.

 

He has not protected my heart, our marriage, our children.

 

He is in love with her but is also in love with me.

 

He wants to work things out with me (but how do I even begin to believe the words that fall from his mouth?)

 

I thought that my foundation had been rocked before. It is has now been blasted into a thousand tiny pieces. I BELIEVED him. How bloody niave am I? I never thought that my husband and my best friend could do this to me, to themselves, to her husband. Who are these people?

 

How does one begin to recover from this?

 

 

I ask my self these questions all the time ....who are these people?????

 

they do change once they cheat and the longer they stay with that deal breaker they change even more.Unrecognisable actually not by image but by attitude and personality.I get on ok with my ex at one stage thought i wanted him back i closed the book and it was hard but honestly i tclosed when i left i have seen photos of him with our kids but have not seen him in person and unless it is a marriage or death i doubt i will or want to.That isn't a doubt that's a fact i don't want or need to see him.It took years fro me to be at this point and only recently have i been close to the me i knew before him.I'm starting to want to be in public again i feel stronger more in tune and centerd still have my rough days and swings i accept them.My kids are stronger and more supportive of me i dont need to go out and have a relationship or meet someone I have met someone but that isn't my center.My center is i can feel myself and my old beliefs coming to the fore that's my center.I have felt sexy and i have my blob days, i have felt desire for another and have been able to control my emotions and have a good time I have felt sad and blue and rejected then and i have felt accepted....

 

 

its all good all of it.I have dealt with some painful issues i have without medication to zombie me out.I have been insecure and felt confident....i have felt everything i have prayed and thanked god for helping me out.I have made new friends and gained enemies.......i have been living in other words......

 

 

i am telling you all this because4 this is my recovery out of a psyche ward.......which i have always needed before this time i have been following my heart and accepting what i feel.instead of fighting it.....its still risky because my medication is a double medication that would stop me from committing suicide if i felt that way or voices become too loud and drown out my own silent voice....I dont feel that way.

 

I turn internal, to my faith, to my heart, to keep me here ....faith in love....faith in laughter..faith in family a pretty dysfunctional one(but i love them)..faith in good people who you can trust.......thats it.....faith and hope......feelings don't go away suddenly(they fade out), recovery is a daily process and it happens when you have acceptance and my personal saviour......faith(always has saved me if i didn't have it no amount of medication or ect could save me) now, i only need my faith and my heart......deb

Edited September 22, 2012 by todreaminblue

[aussie mum]

Thanks for the supportive words & *hugs*. Did think that I might find that here.

 

My H is currenly interstate and for all intents and purposes were are separated. I feel stable and in control when he is not around.

 

I have not told the OBS the truth. Their marriage is falling apart also, and I don't really have any interest in involving myself. If he comes to me, questions me or asks to know I will tell him all the facts that I have. I have enought to deal with as on top of the 'disclosure' my H business has fallen apart and we have lost everything.

 

So at the moment I am now back teaching full time and running my household and obviously caring for my children. I am better when I am busy, so it is a good thing (plus we need to eat!).

 

I have not spoken with a lawyer, nor filed for divorce. Financially he is ruins, well we are I guess and custody of the kids isn't an issue as he is interstate. I would never impede on his right to see his children, however things unfold. I am searching for a rental property at the moment (as we have lost the house) and keen to have my childrens life stabilized and moving forward.

 

Public perception, as you know was an issue for me. To explain it better I did not want to be pitied. I didn't want to see sympathy in other peoples eyes. I didn't want others to think that I was not enough for my husband. That I couldn't meet his needs. Humiliating to write. He says it was not about me at all. He says that he has never felt good enough for me. He believes that others have always said he is not good enough for me - that he was punching above his weight. But then why was I not enough?

 

Yuck. Anyway, I am not in anywhere near as big a funk as I was earlier in the year. I am not reeling like I did - perhaps because of the gradual disclosures etc. I still don't feel a need to shout it from the roof tops, and don't think that I ever will.

 

I do know however that I did not cause this, I do not deserve it and somewhere out in the big wide world is a someone that can give me what I truly deserve (just would have liked it to be him!). I am in counselling - looking at my own issues that are definately compounded by the affair (H still can't think about it as an affair, how odd is that?).

 

Thanks to all that have answered me - especially you guys that know the entire saga! x

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for the supportive words & *hugs*. Did think that I might find that here.

 

My H is currenly interstate and for all intents and purposes were are separated. I feel stable and in control when he is not around.

 

I have not told the OBS the truth. Their marriage is falling apart also, and I don't really have any interest in involving myself. If he comes to me, questions me or asks to know I will tell him all the facts that I have. I have enought to deal with as on top of the 'disclosure' my H business has fallen apart and we have lost everything.

 

So at the moment I am now back teaching full time and running my household and obviously caring for my children. I am better when I am busy, so it is a good thing (plus we need to eat!).

 

I have not spoken with a lawyer, nor filed for divorce. Financially he is ruins, well we are I guess and custody of the kids isn't an issue as he is interstate. I would never impede on his right to see his children, however things unfold. I am searching for a rental property at the moment (as we have lost the house) and keen to have my childrens life stabilized and moving forward.

 

Public perception, as you know was an issue for me. To explain it better I did not want to be pitied. I didn't want to see sympathy in other peoples eyes. I didn't want others to think that I was not enough for my husband. That I couldn't meet his needs. Humiliating to write. He says it was not about me at all. He says that he has never felt good enough for me. He believes that others have always said he is not good enough for me - that he was punching above his weight. But then why was I not enough?

 

Yuck. Anyway, I am not in anywhere near as big a funk as I was earlier in the year. I am not reeling like I did - perhaps because of the gradual disclosures etc. I still don't feel a need to shout it from the roof tops, and don't think that I ever will.

 

I do know however that I did not cause this, I do not deserve it and somewhere out in the big wide world is a someone that can give me what I truly deserve (just would have liked it to be him!). I am in counselling - looking at my own issues that are definately compounded by the affair (H still can't think about it as an affair, how odd is that?).

 

Thanks to all that have answered me - especially you guys that know the entire saga! x

 

 

I didnt contact my ex for over four months as he refused to pay child support when we first moved interstate.......I managed without it......of course....;0)....he then rang me and said he would take me to court and i said ok do that ill explain tot eh courts all our sordid past and your inability to pay child support and see what happens every filthy detail lets bring it all out shall we....i was dead set serious he knew it and i told him you know you're going to lose dont you when he went silent......i wasnt angry just matter of fact and ready to fight.......he apologised started paying child support and recognised exactly how hard it had been from me to cope> h ehas regular contact with the children and he pays his child support takes them fro holidays and that is the extent that it shall stay he asks how i am now wants em to be happy and his relationship whether good or bad is not my concern....my life is my concern........you will be fine aussiemum....if i got through what i did ....anyone can...i am not special ..hugs to yar.....

plus vegemite.............deb

[2sunny]

I can't imagine having a friend for a long time and not telling them the truth about the reality of their spouse harming their marriage. Her H deserves to know what's real - and you being his friend should tell him.

 

 

Take charge of your future - your life! Move forward. File for D. Get a new start! Be proud of being a strong woman... You are!

 

You're choices define you. Make choices in YOUR best interest!

 

But tell her H what you know!

[aussie mum]

2sunny, I so hear what you are saying. It is something I struggle with every single day.

 

To know you are going to inflict such awful realities on someone you care deeply about is HARD. I have given him alot - without the nasty facts.

 

I am not proud of my actions/inactions in regards to him. I haven't seen him for awhile to be honest, and as I mentioned earlier, their marriage is rocky at the moment and I do believe that she is going to leave him. So then I think, why inflict more pain if the end result is the same?

[2sunny]

2sunny, I so hear what you are saying. It is something I struggle with every single day.

 

To know you are going to inflict such awful realities on someone you care deeply about is HARD. I have given him alot - without the nasty facts.

 

I am not proud of my actions/inactions in regards to him. I haven't seen him for awhile to be honest, and as I mentioned earlier, their marriage is rocky at the moment and I do believe that she is going to leave him. So then I think, why inflict more pain if the end result is the same?

 

Because he deserves to know the truth... And she's not likely going to tell him.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I've been fairly active here since Feb of last year, I'm truly sorry, I know it hurts so badly. It just seems like this is a case where he is not doing what it takes and won't. There are cases where they do seem to do the right things to reconcile. When they lie continuously and won't break NC, it's just a deal breaker. It so hard. My daughter just had her first outburst of crying over the divorce about an hour and a half ago. It breaks my heart, but it's just not under my control. I can't live with a woman who lies and cheats. It would destroy my sanity, and was doing so when I was still fighting for the marriage.

[aussie mum]

A big hug to you Ninja's husband.

 

Dealing with the realities of the childrens emotions is tough huh.

 

My babies have all had their meltdowns too and I find that more confronting than anything else.

 

Lies, disrespect & betrayal have no place in a committed relationship. I am sorry that you are hurting.

[aussie mum]

And I know that you are right 2sunny. She will not tell him, ever.

[2sunny]

He probably thinks he did something wrong - if he knew the facts - he would know SHE was the one doing something wrong.

[ComingInHot]

Lawyer - YES

Plan - Yes

Counseling - YES

 

FAMILY/FRIEND SUPPORT? Do you have this??! This is the time to build your army. This army should be willing to go all the way with you. Lift you up, shield you & your kids, protect you , and support you through all of this then push you through to not give up!

 

My army is my Mom, Dad, big brother, two best friends. They are my front line, then the other chosen who know (brother & sister inlaw being a couple) support the front line. I don't think I could have made it w/out them*

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

[BetrayedH]

2sunny, I so hear what you are saying. It is something I struggle with every single day.

 

To know you are going to inflict such awful realities on someone you care deeply about is HARD. I have given him alot - without the nasty facts.

 

I am not proud of my actions/inactions in regards to him. I haven't seen him for awhile to be honest, and as I mentioned earlier, their marriage is rocky at the moment and I do believe that she is going to leave him. So then I think, why inflict more pain if the end result is the same?

 

I have to agree with 2Sunny here. How long should he pine for his wife if she leaves him? How long should he blame himself for his failed marriage? The guy deserves the truth and you are the only potential person to give it to him. If he divorces, what if he loses his children, his home, and so forth because she lied and blamed him for everything?