Ex from the past

[goofgirl]

Wow. Did you two just completely gloss over my update? I thought it turned out quite well. Sorry to disappoint.

[g450]

Seriously - 22 views but no thoughts?

 

What is there to think about? You even admit you screwed up.

 

Best thing for you to do is block his number. It's not rocket science. You dont need us to tell you what the right thing to do is.

 

And if I were your husband I would be a bit worried about my marriage to you. Why are you inviting this drama into your marriage? You didnt have to say a damn word to him or call him. Yet you did. Why?

[goofgirl]

Um yeah. I told my husband just about everything and continue to talk to him about it. What more is there? Should I share all my deep fantasies? I'm pretty sure that being married still affords me some private thoughts.

 

You really are quite bitter, huh? Too bad. I hope you find some love in your life.

[goofgirl]

What is there to think about? You even admit you screwed up.

 

Best thing for you to do is block his number. It's not rocket science. You dont need us to tell you what the right thing to do is.

 

And if I were your husband I would be a bit worried about my marriage to you. Why are you inviting this drama into your marriage? You didnt have to say a damn word to him or call him. Yet you did. Why?

 

Well, I guess you'd have to read all of my posts for the answers to my questions. I'm thankful you are not my husband.

 

There sure is a lot of animosity on this forum.

 

Thanks to those who provided helpful responses.

[goofgirl]

I have read your other posts Alice, and see that you are very good at sitting on a high horse while dishing "advice". I don't see you putting forth much in the way of kind words.

 

Of course I wouldn't show him this thread. I was struggling with an issue and sought advice from others. No, I'm not going to tell him I had sexual thoughts about my ex, that's ridiculous. And I'm not going to tell him I was thinking constantly about the ex. My "little confession" as you snidely called it included everything else.

 

I suppose you have no issues with yourself or your marriage, since you are so good at pointing out everyone else's.

 

Wish I could say thanks to you but really I'm grateful its the web and I don't have to have anything to do with you. As I type this I find myself thinking I hope I don't treat others like this person does.

[goofgirl]

@Alice: I'm sorry for writing such a defensive and harsh post to you. I know you had some hard times in the past and I'm sorry about that. I was defensive to your post because some of what you said had truth to it and honestly, I'm afraid of tanking my marriage over this. I saw danger signs with my ex and posted here to get advice. You gave it, so thanks.

[goofgirl]

@Abe: thanks.

[goofgirl]

@Abe: It is progress not perfection for me. I do strive to apply the steps in my life. I just finished the 9th and am approaching the 10th.

 

Hiding my sexual fantasies from my husband does not feel to be the addictive behavior I once had, only because it was so fleeting. It's now gone. The thoughts came and went over the course of 2 days. If it was more, i might think harder about it.

 

Right now, we are going thru a difficult time with his hurt back. He is constantly medicated and I am caring for him. I've shared about running into the ex (in every instance) and talked about my feelings openly (minus the sex). I feel the sex part is a marriage issue, not sobriety issue.

 

In any case, I have spoken with my sponsor about it many times. I journal about as well. Please understand you don't know me and therefore can't really say from my few post here that I'm a dry drunk. I do appreciate your cocern.

[g450]

Well, I guess you'd have to read all of my posts for the answers to my questions. I'm thankful you are not my husband.

 

There sure is a lot of animosity on this forum.

 

Thanks to those who provided helpful responses.

 

That isnt the problem. The problem is that you simply arent hearing what the majority of us are telling you.

 

Animosity, yes. How could there not be? We are BSs. But with that animisity comes wisdom that perplexes you for some reason.

 

Good luck with that as you have made it clear your intention is to ignore all the advice given here except the ones you want to hear.

[goofgirl]

That isnt the problem. The problem is that you simply arent hearing what the majority of us are telling you.

 

Animosity, yes. How could there not be? We are BSs. But with that animisity comes wisdom that perplexes you for some reason.

 

Good luck with that as you have made it clear your intention is to ignore all the advice given here except the ones you want to hear.

 

I suppose this is partly true, that some advice on this thread I didn't really want to hear. Now that several days have passed, I realize that the negativity on this thread and overall site is quite jarring. I was surprised at the "attacks" I felt I received. Early on in this thread some, like Eve, gave practical advice. Others, seemed to be dealing with their own judgments and insecurities. In any event, I did take the time to read everyone's responses and posted back.

 

Since my initial post, my husband had his surgery. In the meantime, the ex pretty much disappeared, except for the occasional text. My first feelings about him have changed, as I've realized what a schmuck he is, and how good I have it. He's definitely an ex for a reason. I no longer entertain any type of romantic feelings, those were very fleeting.

 

I'm glad I didn't make a big deal out of it and try to talk to my husband about ALL of my feelings. That would have unnecessarily caused major friction and possibly hurt him - for no reason at all.

 

So thanks again for all the posts. I don't think I'll make a habit of visiting this site, as the negativity is just too much for me. I do visit from time to time, but prefer more solution based sites.

[2sunny]

Well, you may or may not know this, but AA meetings are for talking about alcohol, and this to me isn't an alcohol issue, it's a marriage issue. It's not really appropriate to bring up during a mtg. I didn't see it at first, but I really do think this now.

 

 

 

I did tell my husband about him being there the last few times I've been there. I tell my husband pretty much everything. A big part of getting sober for me was being honest with myself and others. I'm sensitive to honesty now, which is why I realized almost immediately that my thoughts were not heading in the right direction.

 

 

 

Remember, this is AA and not just us arranging to get together every week. He sits on the other side of the room, and so far I've avoided any lengthy conversations.

 

 

 

We are tight. Pretty much always have been. The hidden part right now is my fantasies and desire to talk to him. You are right, it probably will cause problems. I neglected to mention that my husband knows this ex, because we were friends long before we got together and married.

 

 

 

I'm doing my damnest to not let that happen, because my sobriety is much more important. Thanks so much for taking the time to write.

 

AA meetings aren't for talking of alcohol - they are supportive of talking about SOLUTIONS to the drinking problem.

 

Get a sponsee! That's what you should be in a meeting for - to HELP others - to help others get and stay sober.

 

Seems YOU forgot what your primary purpose is.

[goofgirl]

AA meetings aren't for talking of alcohol - they are supportive of talking about SOLUTIONS to the drinking problem.

 

Get a sponsee! That's what you should be in a meeting for - to HELP others - to help others get and stay sober.

 

Seems YOU forgot what your primary purpose is.

 

Oh my. I don't feel I have forgotten my primary purpose. I don't think I could summarize that on this forum. Please read the post of the person I was responding to. She mentioned bringing up the ex and marriage in AA, and I was explaining that I didn't feel that was an appropriate topic.

 

AA has nothing to do w/the ex. I shouldn't have brought it up as it detracts from the real issue.

[goofgirl]

To the moderator: How can I delete my profile? I really regret joining and posting on this forum. It's been a huge disappointment.

[2sunny]

Oh my. I don't feel I have forgotten my primary purpose. I don't think I could summarize that on this forum. Please read the post of the person I was responding to. She mentioned bringing up the ex and marriage in AA, and I was explaining that I didn't feel that was an appropriate topic.

 

AA has nothing to do w/the ex. I shouldn't have brought it up as it detracts from the real issue.

 

Your insurance to staying sober is helping others... Getting several sponsees will keep you busy and on path to growing in your sobriety.

 

It's a good thing= step 12.

[Cb3657]

Sorry you had such a rough time of it here, the people on here tend to be very harsh on anyone with "impure" thoughts. Personally I think you did very well in your minicrisis. You treated the symptom however you may be at risk of future straying since really this guy being a complete jerk is what really stopped this.

I would suggest that you examine the root of the problem, you are in AA for a issue, I thought in AA they advised single people not to enter relationships for the first while so they did not replace alcohol with drama of a new relationship. Could that be what is going on here? I suggest for the next few weeks you really start thinking about what you wanted here was it to replace the deception of alcohol with this because if so you may still be at risk.

Good luck to ya I hope you things go well, sounds like you love your husband but you may be a person who always requires something going on, you may need to take a look at this and see if you can find a healthly outlet.

[Eve]

I suppose this is partly true, that some advice on this thread I didn't really want to hear. Now that several days have passed, I realize that the negativity on this thread and overall site is quite jarring. I was surprised at the "attacks" I felt I received. Early on in this thread some, like Eve, gave practical advice. Others, seemed to be dealing with their own judgments and insecurities. In any event, I did take the time to read everyone's responses and posted back.

 

Since my initial post, my husband had his surgery. In the meantime, the ex pretty much disappeared, except for the occasional text. My first feelings about him have changed, as I've realized what a schmuck he is, and how good I have it. He's definitely an ex for a reason. I no longer entertain any type of romantic feelings, those were very fleeting.

 

I'm glad I didn't make a big deal out of it and try to talk to my husband about ALL of my feelings. That would have unnecessarily caused major friction and possibly hurt him - for no reason at all.

 

So thanks again for all the posts. I don't think I'll make a habit of visiting this site, as the negativity is just too much for me. I do visit from time to time, but prefer more solution based sites.

 

You did the right thing by reaching out. This reaching out seems to have helped within a difficult period where you were tempted. This has now passed and it sounds like your Hubby is on the mend too, which is excellent news!

 

There is an ignore feature that can be useful at times here - but well done you for trying to respond in kind to those who probably did not deserve it. Try not to take things personally. It's a mixed bag here. Some are speaking from their own pain/guilt/desire to not care or trust others anymore or are plainly miserable.

 

Well done for facing the issue you have with alcohol and I hope you and your Hubby can get to enjoying your renewed libido..

 

... I thought the ex would go wondering again. Just be careful with communicating with him via text, even occasionally. Consider how you would feel if your Hubby was doing the same.

 

Still, I hope that your ex finds a loving relationship one day such as what you have with your Hubby. I imagine seeing you has been very challenging for him also - but I think this is for him to now work out for himself elsewhere, without you.

 

All the very best,

Take care,

Eve x

[goofgirl]

Your insurance to staying sober is helping others... Getting several sponsees will keep you busy and on path to growing in your sobriety.

 

It's a good thing= step 12.

 

I'm looking forward to that, I really am. But not there yet. I'm not looking to turn this thread into an AA step discussion, I don't feel it's the appropriate place. Thanks for your thoughts though.

[goofgirl]

Sorry you had such a rough time of it here, the people on here tend to be very harsh on anyone with "impure" thoughts. Personally I think you did very well in your minicrisis. You treated the symptom however you may be at risk of future straying since really this guy being a complete jerk is what really stopped this.

I would suggest that you examine the root of the problem, you are in AA for a issue, I thought in AA they advised single people not to enter relationships for the first while so they did not replace alcohol with drama of a new relationship. Could that be what is going on here? I suggest for the next few weeks you really start thinking about what you wanted here was it to replace the deception of alcohol with this because if so you may still be at risk.

Good luck to ya I hope you things go well, sounds like you love your husband but you may be a person who always requires something going on, you may need to take a look at this and see if you can find a healthly outlet.

 

Thanks for your post. I didn't plan on posting here, but I was hopeful that someone would post with some practical advice.

 

You are really right, that the fact that the ex was a jerk (well, not so much jerk but more just down and out) is what put a stop to this whole thing. What if he was completely put together, and said all the right things?? I never thought of it that way, and that makes me VERY nervous.

 

"Impure thoughts". Isn't that what being human is all about? I'm not perfect!

 

In AA, it's not so much about single people, but persons new in sobriety. They advise that no major decisions be made in the first year. It's just a rocky road in the beginning, and takes a long time to relearn how to live life, including how to deal with relationships.

 

What I truly think is going on, is this: My husband has been going thru a really tough time. He's been in major pain. Then the surgery. This is very hard. On both of us. I think that him "dropping out" of the marriage temporarily left me sort of vulnerable. And the ex dropped in at just the right moment.

 

Now, I don't really believe in coincidences any more, and so I have been putting a lot of thought into why this guy walked into my life at just the right moment.

 

You might be right, that I might feel I need to have something going on at all times. I just don't know.

 

But in any event, I do appreciate your thoughts and will in turn spend some time thinking about it.

 

I love my husband with all my heart and am going to try to do all I can to prevent any type of breach in our marriage. We've got a good solid 9, almost 10 years --- this is just one of those bumps in the road.

[goofgirl]

You did the right thing by reaching out. This reaching out seems to have helped within a difficult period where you were tempted. This has now passed and it sounds like your Hubby is on the mend too, which is excellent news!

 

There is an ignore feature that can be useful at times here - but well done you for trying to respond in kind to those who probably did not deserve it. Try not to take things personally. It's a mixed bag here. Some are speaking from their own pain/guilt/desire to not care or trust others anymore or are plainly miserable.

 

Well done for facing the issue you have with alcohol and I hope you and your Hubby can get to enjoying your renewed libido..

 

... I thought the ex would go wondering again. Just be careful with communicating with him via text, even occasionally. Consider how you would feel if your Hubby was doing the same.

 

Still, I hope that your ex finds a loving relationship one day such as what you have with your Hubby. I imagine seeing you has been very challenging for him also - but I think this is for him to now work out for himself elsewhere, without you.

 

All the very best,

Take care,

Eve x

 

I can't thank you enough for responding. You are one of the folks that kept me returning to this thread. I felt your advice was heartfelt and honest.

 

I'm not looking for someone to assuage my guilt, or tell me I'm doing just fine! But really, I'm looking for other perspectives. Whether good or bad.

 

Anyhow, I kind of have ignored the ex. He's called a few times, which I've ignored. Texted too. Ignored that. I've told my husband about it, because hiding is the last thing I'm trying to do. Hiding is an alcoholic trait of mine and I work very hard to avoid it. At the very least be cognizant of it.

 

The others here, harsh as they were, did have some kernels of truth in there. I was highly irritated at one person who like you said seemed to be harboring their own guilt/pain/issues, and I regretted posting back in the same vein. So I tried to make an amend as soon as I realized I was in the wrong (and thanks to another poster who reminded me of my duty to amend). I felt that even though I disagreed with others, I needed to make an effort to listen and respond in kind back. So thanks for saying that.

 

I do think you are right, it's time for my ex to move on. I think the only way for me to really disengage is to have a frank convo with him. Just say, look, I'm happily married. I can't be getting phone calls and texts from you. Maybe just leave the door open re: AA, as in, if you are ever in a serious bind, please call me. Because that's some of my purpose in AA, is to help out others if I can.

 

Like you said Eve, if my husband was texting and such, it'd bother me. But if he was talking to me about it, I'd feel much better. He has been contacted via FB from other exes, and he told me about it. Told me about the convos. So that's what I'm trying to do.