Thatguy80 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Hey all, So my situation is I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months now. She's really a great girl and we've had a lot of fun together. She has a really shy streak in her and this is her first relationship. Actually I think I might be the first guy she ever dated, because I was her first kiss. I tell this part because it might tell something about the "problem" I have. I'm a pretty affectionate guy by nature and I have no problem in that area. She always goes along with it when I initiate it, but she very rarely will initiate it herself. She always seems to enjoy it and will prolong it many times. I just don't get the normal gestures and such from her that I've grown accustomed to from other women that I've dated. Like if I were to not initiate anything, it would be like I was out with a friend basically. In the time I've been seeing her, she has never been late, never broken a date, paid for 1 date, and always taken the time to bake something if she's coming over. Her personality has really opened up more over time, and I'm hoping this part will too. She had mentioned her family shows affection through sarcasm one time, but I've just never met a girl who was actually into me that would not physically show affection. Being so outgoing and open myself, I just find it really hard to understand this about her. I'm hoping there's a girl on here that is this way or a guy that has dealt with this. I'm to the point where I want to "put myself out there" with this girl but I'm really hesitant because of fear that the lack of affection means something else..
GirlontheLam Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 It sounds like her family isn't very demonstrative so she wasn't socialized that way. If you like her, give her time. Once she's more comfortable being physical, she'll warm up. You also didn't mention how old you are. Are you teens, 20s, 30s, older? It takes shy people a little longer to come into their own personality wise. She's still learning to be "herself" if you will. Socially, romantically and otherwise. Especially if she is under 25. 1
Quiet Storm Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I agree with Girlonthelam. Some women like the man to make all the moves. Just be patient with her. When she does show affection, make it clear to her that you love it. Until then, initiate the affection. As long as she responds in a positive way, she's into you.
Author Thatguy80 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Thanks for the replies. To answer the age question, We're in our mid/late twenties. She said she never had the desire when she was younger for a relationship. I can see what you all are saying. She has warmed up in other ways since we've known each other. She's also gotten progressively more passionate as I initiate things with her. I think she might be one of those that prefer the man make the moves. She'll contact me every now and then without prompting. But we're still more or less in the dating stage when I very rarely talk to her in between dates, and it's still once a week. I'd actually like to see her more, but that's a barrier of mine where I've always waited till the woman reaches out to me more, and I give her more time.. It's just confusing! lol I feel she may be worth it though.
FitChick Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 My first boyfriend dumped me for the reasons you mention. He was insecure and wanted someone as demonstrative as he was, being from a large Italian family. I was heartbroken and didn't date for a couple of years. Interestingly enough, I did become more demonstrative and affectionate as a result of dating him. So decide if you want another guy to reap the rewards.
SJC2008 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 My first boyfriend dumped me for the reasons you mention. He was insecure and wanted someone as demonstrative as he was, being from a large Italian family. I was heartbroken and didn't date for a couple of years. Interestingly enough, I did become more demonstrative and affectionate as a result of dating him. So decide if you want another guy to reap the rewards. He may have been insecure as I don't know him but man wanting a woman to show affection is not being insecure. Men have needs just like women do and IMO a lot of women don't understand this. My father always told me make sure you find an affectionate woman. I like to initiate things like PDA and stuff and wouldn't expect a woman to initiate the same amount or more but at least initiate half of the time. 1
Quiet Storm Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I am married, but I am the kind of woman that likes my husband to make all the moves. I am affectionate, but I still like to be pursued. Over the years, I have learned to initiate to make him feel good, but honestly, I'm not naturally like that. It doesn't diminish the love or attraction that I feel for him.
Author Thatguy80 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Quote: Originally Posted by FitChick My first boyfriend dumped me for the reasons you mention. He was insecure and wanted someone as demonstrative as he was, being from a large Italian family. I was heartbroken and didn't date for a couple of years. Interestingly enough, I did become more demonstrative and affectionate as a result of dating him. So decide if you want another guy to reap the rewards. He may have been insecure as I don't know him but man wanting a woman to show affection is not being insecure. Men have needs just like women do and IMO a lot of women don't understand this. My father always told me make sure you find an affectionate woman. I like to initiate things like PDA and stuff and wouldn't expect a woman to initiate the same amount or more but at least initiate half of the time. Yes, I see her as a possible "diamond in the rough" so I'm not really thinking about ending it. It would probably hurt me more than her if I hurt her. That's the last thing I want. I agree with it not being insecure so much as wanting to feel needed. Everyone has their own love language though. When it gets to the point I am at, I want to know that she's actually into me before I put myself out there or really get emotionally invested in her. Even so much as a light touch goes a long way with me. Fitchick/Quiet - This might be a dumb question, but I don't understand because I'm so different in this respect. What caused you from showing affection?
Quiet Storm Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) I met my husband at 15. I didn't know that men really needed affection as much as I did. I grew up in a rough neighborhood, with a stoic father, and the men I had known didn't express that need. Where I came from, a man needing affection was be seen as "weak". And I often saw women that were affectionate get hurt and discarded. So there was a fear. I felt vulnerable. As I matured, and my BF (now husband) expressed that need, I came to understand that I was not the only one that needed that validation. Eventually, I showed my love, and when he responded positively, it made me want to express it more and more. But I have to tell you, it took years for me to feel totally comfortable with it. I can easily express affection now (21 years later), like hugs and kisses, but when it comes to sex, I still don't feel natural initiating. I love sex with him, I crave it, but it still feels most natural to me when he initiates. I do initiate because I know he likes it, but I still do it in a way that prompts him to pursue me. I'll send him a sexy text or pic, or put on an outfit... but I still want him to make the first physical move. Edited September 22, 2012 by Quiet Storm
suladas Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Don't take her lack of affection as not being into you. I had the same problem with my ex, i'm just not comfortable making the first move a lot of the time, and it was my first relationship to. Being a guy it's different, but just a random hug or kiss I really didn't find myself comfortable doing it, but I really liked when she did it and I got better at it. As long as she likes it, and is getting better i'd just keep at it. Even sex, she had to make the first move the first time. However after that I always made the first move, but it took a while to not be nervous about it.
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