LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I am a what we call an "intègre" person in French...a whole hearted, stand by your beliefs person...and now here I am feeling like some deviant, less than worthy whore, in this f** up relationship with you, a "loving" a man...I begin to wonder if you even know how to love...period. Your love has made me sick. I am a pawn in your sad marriage. A puppet in your mediocre existence.
veryhappy Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Does that mean you communicated with him today?
Quiet Storm Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Compromising our values and beliefs is supposed to make us feel bad about ourselves. When we ignore those feelings, or keep pushing them down, it's called denial. Listen to those feelings. It's your internal warning bell that is saying "this is not right for me". He is like a cancer, and the only cure is to cut him out of your life. 6
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 No, my cute dragon. I communicate with you, to avoid stooping to a level I might end up regretting. 3
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 PS Thank you for responding, BTW.
veryhappy Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Then all is good. I send emails to myself instead of him, and today one of them was "F you, spineless coward." The men we choose to love... 4
Ladydrib Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Then all is good. I send emails to myself instead of him, and today one of them was "F you, spineless coward." The men we choose to love... They say what they know we will love. It's a facade. 1
veryhappy Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I am here, because I'm struggling myself. I got worried when you said "I'm a pawn in your marriage". You chose to step out. You chose to stop being a pawn. I know how it feels though, to want to lash out because feeling rejected, unappreciated and used. The thing is that their rejection shouldn't reflect on our worth. 1
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Then all is good. I send emails to myself instead of him, and today one of them was "F you, spineless coward." The men we choose to love... Yeah, it is sad. And to think I am decent looking, relatively smart, travelled, don't have low self-esteem...how did this happen to me? One thing I have learned: just because people are professionally successful DOES NOT mean they have any kind of emotional IQ. Far from it. 2
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I am here, because I'm struggling myself. I got worried when you said "I'm a pawn in your marriage". You chose to step out. You chose to stop being a pawn. I know how it feels though, to want to lash out because feeling rejected, unappreciated and used. The thing is that their rejection shouldn't reflect on our worth. I said I am a pawn because I am angry to have been a part of any of their BS. I am out of it, but am feeling massive waves of anger right now. 1
veryhappy Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Mine asked if he has decived me, as if convinced he hasn't. I could put together pieces from older an newer emails to prove how he deceived me. It would be pointless. I'm sure he'd convince himself of whatever he wanted at the time. It's hard to accept that they're not quite as honest as we thought, as brave as we thought, as interested in us in a real life kind of way as we thought. 2
veryhappy Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 You are not a pawn anymore. You were a pawn. For whatever reasons worked for you. Infatuation, feeling in love, feeling admired, feeling needed. You did get something from the exchange at the time. The problem is there's nothing left to show for it when we're in so much pain, and they seem to have forgotten all about it next to their amazing wives.
Fitz Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Did something happen recently to rub salt in the wound? Thus leading to this post? Also, what happened that ultimately changed your perspective/feelings toward this MM? Did a specific event happen? Or was there a gradual sea change?
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Mine asked if he has decived me, as if convinced he hasn't. I could put together pieces from older an newer emails to prove how he deceived me. It would be pointless. I'm sure he'd convince himself of whatever he wanted at the time. It's hard to accept that they're not quite as honest as we thought, as brave as we thought, as interested in us in a real life kind of way as we thought. This sounds so familiar. He cannot bear to think that I see him as a deceiver. I think that is worse for him than not being with me. He seems more concerned that I am judging his character than missing out on being with me.
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Did something happen recently to rub salt in the wound? Thus leading to this post? Also, what happened that ultimately changed your perspective/feelings toward this MM? Did a specific event happen? Or was there a gradual sea change? Nothing happened other than the fact that I went NC and have been sticking to it, and it is really, really hard for me. I think I am spending time analysing more with my head than my heart which leads me to be angry about how unrealistic he has been from the start. Me as well. The only difference is, I was not the married one. I realise that I trusted him more than I trusted myself, which is what led me into this mess. Having said all that, I miss him like crazy and continue to have massive love for this person. Guess it will take longer than a week of NC to get over that...
Ladydrib Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Nothing happened other than the fact that I went NC and have been sticking to it, and it is really, really hard for me. I think I am spending time analysing more with my head than my heart which leads me to be angry about how unrealistic he has been from the start. Me as well. The only difference is, I was not the married one. I realise that I trusted him more than I trusted myself, which is what led me into this mess. Having said all that, I miss him like crazy and continue to have massive love for this person. Guess it will take longer than a week of NC to get over that... Yes, it will. But you are going to find periods of each next day that you hurt less, that you have more strength, that you think of him less. But also be aware as you get these moments of progress, that you will now and then encounter moments of doubt about ending it and you'll miss him more in those moments. If you are aware that this will happen you can brace yourself for it. Make sure you stay focused when you have moments of weakness. Foucs on what you really want (to heal, end the toxicity, etc.) and next thing you know, that moment will have passed and you'll be back into the mode of moving on and feeling great about it! If you revert in a moment like this, it takes back all the progress you made and you have to start all over. So be aware, stay strong, and keep up the good work. You are awesome and I'm impressed with your strength!
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Thank you, dear LadyDrib. You are insightful and caring, and I really appreciate your consideration for what I am feeling.
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