NC and sister FB delete

[LostOne1]

All of this happens for a reason. Even the things we do which seem bad at the time almost always serve a greater purpose IMO. That's how I approach mine. Sure, I pretty much forced her to break with me by acting like a jackass in a drunken fit, but if one moment of weakness brought on by a little too much drinking was enough to make her bail, then is she worth my time in the first place? Especially when I had been close to perfect to that point? That's the way I see it, maybe my drunken burn was a move of retard genius instead of a horrible misstep.

 

I guess my point is that maybe you didn't wipe your ex's eyes when she was crying because she wasn't meant to be the person you would do that for. Maybe when the next one, or the one after that, cries you'll be there to do it because it will feel like the right, natural thing to do. So don't sweat that -- you might not have comforted her like that because, for whatever reason, it wasn't the right thing for you to do. Don't beat yourself up.

 

On another note, had a weird dream last night. I was at a hotel waiting for a wedding and interacting with all sort of various friends from different walks of my life who don't know each other at all, one of them being my ex's sister, who I was laughing and having a great time with. I was somehow transported into a parking lot and strolling through it when my phone rings and vibrates in my pocket. I look down and it's a private number, so I pick up and it's my ex, her voice as vivid as if she was literally standing right next to me when I'm awake. She tells me "I need you to leave a message with the front desk". I'm like "What, you aren't coming to the wedding". She mumbles something and I tell her I can't understand her. She then says "Tell them that you don't trust me anymore". I'm like "Why would I tell that to the front desk. You aren't making any sense." Then I woke up.

 

Doesn't really fit with this thread, but it was an odd dream. So I guess I broke NC in the dream world

LOL yeah I broke NC in dreamworld as well... very confusing dreams for me. But I guess its the mind thinking about everything going on.

 

I agree I think it all happens for a reason. Sadly.. I don't see that reason right now.

 

What's tough is I've been looking for positive things and signs. Something exciting to happen that gives me a boost to know things will be good. So far anything I do.. it fails or totally backfires on me. This is for anything, school, relationship, work etc...

 

I've never been this confused in my life. I guess what confuses me more is my life plan has just been shattered. So I am looking at my NEW plan now. And I guess uncertainty is a killer to not knowing what life has in store next.

 

I guess my point is that maybe you didn't wipe your ex's eyes when she was crying because she wasn't meant to be the person you would do that for.

 

I don't know.. that could be part of it. But I think the other part to it is that I will LEARN from it now. I will know how to better comfort someone. The thing that bugged me always with my ex was her anger. I couldn't stand it.. when she gets mad she goes off like a missle. And she doesn't believe she has anger problems and thinks its okay to be angry say stupid stuff and then say sorry about saying the stupid stuff.

 

Lately I've just been looking at school again. My current major in uni isn't working out, so I might be changing it soon. I guess I'm at that point in life turning 26 in a few months. I expect by this age I would be done school and looking for work. I will have at least 2 more years to go.

 

I kinda feel like working now though... I wanna make something out of myself. While I was with my ex.. I honestly feel like I was limited to where I could get in life. My ex knows her job will pay very well. And so she would take care of things always. I guess that's part of me hurting too.. knowing I helped her get to this successful point and she throws me away. Which is why I want to be successful too and do something great for myself.

 

The question remains how and when. Luckily after tmrw school is over and I get from now till Jan to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm back at that stage I was about 3-4 yrs ago. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Or I guess my opinions of what I want to do have changed.

 

I guess I just wanna grow up now. If life is gonna put me through this tough time. Well I want to look back 5-10 yrs from now and say losing my grandma, my ex, struggling with life questions, being sick and all... that it made me stronger and better and it was WORTH it to go through...

 

I don't want to look back in 5-10 yrs and say this moment in time destroyed me and I didn't become anything and I just rotted away.

 

I know at some point I WILL meet someone else, I will be happy, I will have enough in life to keep me strong and happy. I guess the thing is time...

[Simon Phoenix]

The moment where "the reason" becomes clear won't show itself overnight. Hell, you probably won't even realize it when it happens, just one day you'l be like "whoa" and everything will make sense. There will be ups and downs, hell, even Monday I was in a tiny funk about her. But the funks will become less frequent and less powerful. It's a process, you have to be patient and don't fight it when you have those crappy days. They'll pass and you'll move on. Control what you can control and the rest will do its thing.

[LostOne1]

The moment where "the reason" becomes clear won't show itself overnight. Hell, you probably won't even realize it when it happens, just one day you'l be like "whoa" and everything will make sense. There will be ups and downs, hell, even Monday I was in a tiny funk about her. But the funks will become less frequent and less powerful. It's a process, you have to be patient and don't fight it when you have those crappy days. They'll pass and you'll move on. Control what you can control and the rest will do its thing.

yeah thanks for the tips!

 

let's see where things go now... where life takes me to on my next journey.

 

Kinda feels like I'm starting life over again after feeling like I lost everything and have to start all over again.

 

Guess the good side to it.. is that you are more experienced, learned a lot more and well you get another shot at life this way. Sometimes new journeys can be exciting.

 

Let's see where it goes.... I will hate the holidays this year.. thinking of volunteering for once this yr to help others and a community.

[LostOne1]

Just posting to vent out.

 

I hate waking up in the morning. It's like I must have had a dream of my ex in some form good or bad. So I wake up feeling some pain. Then after an hr or so it fades away as the day goes on to a point where it totally goes away.

 

Reading posts on LS here makes things a bit better. I can see others that have made mistakes too or had things not work out. And they find ways to move on slowly.

 

I think for once I feel the confidence and will power to WANT to do something big and different. I want to look back a few yrs from now and know this tough time in my life changed me for the better. I wanna be strong as a rock now and just a super hard worker.

 

Had a chat with my friend last night and a few beers. Haha he tried to get me to talk to some girls, but I wasn't feeling it. He's a natural at it all, but I've been out of touch. We talked about wardrobe.. the thing guys look good wearing. He did say I'd look better in some new styles that have come out, because I'm not fat and can pull off the look with some working out.

 

I guess that's sort of my new challendge, to LOOK better, FEEL better and to GET out there and do something now.

 

it's tough because I have to make some HUGE life and school decisions right now. And I have NO idea which decision is good and bad. But sooner or later I'll need to make up my mind.

 

I guess I just got LOTS going on with my life and I haven't figured out what tasks I need to finish and how to finish them all.

 

On a plus note I am thinking of volunteering for the holidays this year for once. Give back to others and do something for others than just for myself. Most places are full, but hopefully some place still has some volunteers needed.

[LostOne1]

Been having dreams this week and not good ones. I remember today's dream partly. She had taken me back and we were working it out.

 

I just found out accidentally last day that her aunt has passed away. She was never fond of any of her aunts, but I'm guessing it's a tough time for her family members at home. Personally I don't care as I never met her aunt.

 

I guess it made me think of this year so far. I lost someone in my family and now she loses one in her family. This is the time she would've contacted me or talked to me about stuff like this... sad to know she won't ever talk again.

 

Another thing bugging me is I might be moving to a new school starting Jan. Sadly it is a school she goes too, though my classes are not all on the same campus. But it made me feel like what if I run into her? and do I want to run into her?

 

I keep telling myself it's the education that is leading me there and nothing else should get in my way. The school has a nice specializing program I've been looking at since earlier this year. But I didn't go with it then, because I was a bit scared to leave my current school. But I have a strong feeling pushing me to this new program and new life I can get from it.

 

Guess lots going on in my mind and as Christmas approaches and new years. I guess it just hurts more and more to know for once I won't have the holidays to spend with her. I know right about now I would be hanging out with her.

 

Guess I need to get out of the house more now. This week I haven't gotten out much and wanted to do more, but always got lazy or woke up late.

[LostOne1]

So much for getting out... I woke up today only to see 5-6 inches of snow and more falling still.

 

So I'm probably stuck at home today.

 

Then I started feeling sad and lonely. No one else is home either.. everyone found a way to get out to work and all. I was thinking of getting out too, but this snow is insane and I can only imagine the buses being SUPER busy today.

 

Hit up the mall last week and it felt good to be around people. But I still felt down a bit.

 

I remember my friend telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

 

I know this process is going to take a long time. My last ex that left me.. well it took me almost 2 yrs + my recent ex to heal from my last experience. I'm not sure how I will make it out of this one... as this was the best and most serious relationship I had.

 

Guess I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore these days... I got to attached to someone and that person hurt me a lot. And the thing that makes me laugh is that SHE was always the one scared of getting hurt and left alone. But in the end the opposite happened and I'd never have imagined it this way.

 

Part of me wishes she contacts me, just so I can ignore her. I can know she feels bad or feels some pain. I never hated someone so much for hurting me. Normally I just let karma do it's thing and move on. And then I go back to the reason that maybe i NEEDED to be hurt to get somewhere else in life or become a different person.

 

I don't know anymore.. it's going to be a depressing christmas season too. Since my grandma passed away we won't be celebrating christmas and won't have a tree up this year. So Hopefully that volunteering place will let me join in for the next 4-5 days to help out. It will get me outta the house too.

 

Sigh.....

[suladas]

Chear up man it won't be long and you'll find someone else. Christmas alone isn't the best thing but whatever. Actually, i've never had someone at christmas so it's not different for me. Even though pretty much every single year my brother and sister have someone, it is what it is.

 

Not working still and i'm kinda bummed being at home all day alone but got use to it. Though some days when she's right next door it's still a bit annoying.

 

Spin it into something good. It got me to workout and watch what I eat, dress better and never got so much attention from women as I do now.

[LostOne1]

Chear up man it won't be long and you'll find someone else. Christmas alone isn't the best thing but whatever. Actually, i've never had someone at christmas so it's not different for me. Even though pretty much every single year my brother and sister have someone, it is what it is.

 

Not working still and i'm kinda bummed being at home all day alone but got use to it. Though some days when she's right next door it's still a bit annoying.

 

Spin it into something good. It got me to workout and watch what I eat, dress better and never got so much attention from women as I do now.

thanks. yeah those are my goals for now.

 

I guess I've been stressed because my plan of action now to move on.. well is to enroll into a new school and program. Sadly it is the same uni as my ex, but this program is only offered there. I guess I've been seeing if this is the right program for me or not. Moving from one uni to another is not an easy decision, though things are not going well for me at my current uni, and probably because the program is different too.

 

On top of that I gotta find a part time job too. Basically I expect myself to be really busy. And I kinda hate that I'll be looking at spending another 2-3 yrs at school now to finish my degree. I'm going to turn 26 soon. I expect to be done school by 26.

 

So I'm behind my goals by 2-3 yrs now. And what makes me feel more bad is that I wasted those 2 yrs with my ex and at my current uni.. which got me no where. It's like a ran a full circle for 2 yrs only to get to the same spot and realize I was running circles.

 

I can understand your sitution must be harder.. seeing her everyday or often since shes near you. I guess I'm a bit reluctant to as well, I mean if I go to this school there is a chance I end up crashing into her too. Though I know when I'm at school it's all about being a different person. More open and friendly and making new friends. Normally I'd be the quiet one or semi talkative. But I think it's time to open up and just make new friends and introduce myself to others etc.. No use feeling shy or quiet, it won't let me reach people.

[denxnis]

Mourning over a lost one is understandable. She meant a lot to you and it will take time to get over her.

 

However, you will never get better if you don't see the big picture. You have shown that you can love and care for someone deeply, otherwise you wouldn't be on here. Being sad/depressed and coming on here when you are alone is understandable, but once you step out of your front door you need to get your mind off your ex.

 

Focus on your career, school, and physical well being. If you don't expand your vision and expectations of life you will stay stuck in a rut, I promise you this.

 

In short, take all the time you need to get better. When you walk out of your front door do not talk or mention your ex, be the confident/happy person you once were even if you have to act it; eventually you will be it.

[LostOne1]

Mourning over a lost one is understandable. She meant a lot to you and it will take time to get over her.

 

However, you will never get better if you don't see the big picture. You have shown that you can love and care for someone deeply, otherwise you wouldn't be on here. Being sad/depressed and coming on here when you are alone is understandable, but once you step out of your front door you need to get your mind off your ex.

 

Focus on your career, school, and physical well being. If you don't expand your vision and expectations of life you will stay stuck in a rut, I promise you this.

 

In short, take all the time you need to get better. When you walk out of your front door do not talk or mention your ex, be the confident/happy person you once were even if you have to act it; eventually you will be it.

thanks.

 

Usually when I head out of the house I'm not thinking of my ex. I usually have a goal in mind, shopping, advising meetings etc..

 

I only feel the pain when I'm alone or early mornings when I wake up. Or if something reminds me of her. Otherwise the pain goes away and lately the pain has been away for the most part. But being stuck in from the snow sucks lol.. and it reminds me that in my free time at home I'd talk to her a lot. Like right now I'd be on MSN chatting with her.

 

And this free time reminds me of her and sure I can use it on other stuff. And that's what I ultimately end up doing, but the memories coming back themselves hurt a lot.

[suladas]

thanks. yeah those are my goals for now.

 

I guess I've been stressed because my plan of action now to move on.. well is to enroll into a new school and program. Sadly it is the same uni as my ex, but this program is only offered there. I guess I've been seeing if this is the right program for me or not. Moving from one uni to another is not an easy decision, though things are not going well for me at my current uni, and probably because the program is different too.

 

On top of that I gotta find a part time job too. Basically I expect myself to be really busy. And I kinda hate that I'll be looking at spending another 2-3 yrs at school now to finish my degree. I'm going to turn 26 soon. I expect to be done school by 26.

 

So I'm behind my goals by 2-3 yrs now. And what makes me feel more bad is that I wasted those 2 yrs with my ex and at my current uni.. which got me no where. It's like a ran a full circle for 2 yrs only to get to the same spot and realize I was running circles.

 

I can understand your sitution must be harder.. seeing her everyday or often since shes near you. I guess I'm a bit reluctant to as well, I mean if I go to this school there is a chance I end up crashing into her too. Though I know when I'm at school it's all about being a different person. More open and friendly and making new friends. Normally I'd be the quiet one or semi talkative. But I think it's time to open up and just make new friends and introduce myself to others etc.. No use feeling shy or quiet, it won't let me reach people.

 

Ya I can relate being behind on goals, i'm still working the same dead end job since high school, never moved on from it. Making new friends helps, i've been forcing myself to go out more with friends pretty much every weekend and most of the time it's actually pretty good. Part of the reason i think it's hard is being in the relationship that part was complete, didn't have to worry about it but being single again it's another thing to work on and figure out.

 

Her being next door is a love/hate thing, some days I see her life as a mess and think i'm free from it and better off but a lot of days when we're both home all day it sucks. I know it'll never happen but I can't help but think some days she will contact me.

[LostOne1]

Ya I can relate being behind on goals, i'm still working the same dead end job since high school, never moved on from it. Making new friends helps, i've been forcing myself to go out more with friends pretty much every weekend and most of the time it's actually pretty good. Part of the reason i think it's hard is being in the relationship that part was complete, didn't have to worry about it but being single again it's another thing to work on and figure out.

 

Her being next door is a love/hate thing, some days I see her life as a mess and think i'm free from it and better off but a lot of days when we're both home all day it sucks. I know it'll never happen but I can't help but think some days she will contact me.

I guess thats why I want to move on. I don't want to be stuck in this spot. It's like now I feel like I WANT something from or in life. Like I want to be successful and get on with my life. I don't want to sit here and look back 5 yrs from now and say I let a girl and losing my grandma and life destroy me.

 

I barley made it through this semester, but I hope the new semester in Jan at a new school will be a good change. It's closer to my house as well good biking distance or even long walking.

 

What's funny is I don't get why I haven't let it go. I remember the last time I talked to her, she was so mad she said she wiped away all memories of me. SHe threw away all my letters, pictures, gifts etc.. in the trash. That she hated me so much she regrets meeting me in her life. It hurt a lot then, but now I wish I could accept she DID throw it all away. I can't see why she would lie and keep it.

 

And if she did throw it all away, why would I go back to her or want her back. Sad... but I kinda can't wait till the new yr starts or the world ends on Dec 21 one or the other hahah. I guess my new life starts in Jan and from then on I need to work the hardest I've ever worked in my life.

 

I admire my sisters friend. She younger than me, but her bf had stopped talking to her and all. She showed NOTHING. she wasn't hurt as much, I mean she seemed upset. But it wasn't like me begging and all. She said HE will have to work his ass off to show he cares and wants her back. Eventually he did and they got back together. But it showed how she values herself a lot and her own goals and doesn't let people not even her bf get her off track.