NC and sister FB delete

[LostOne1]

No matter what you do, do not send a followup text. If she doesn't text you back within 24 hours, that has to be that.

 

Well she contacted me and we are tlaking..

 

I told her I want to meet up and she said not so soon, but maybe on the weekend if she feels like it, but no promises.

 

I basically said I only have 1 day on the weekend free, so she can tell me when she wants too. She said she will find a time and work around my schedule.

 

Then she said she doesn't know what she feels, that her heart and mind are telling her different things and she feels like she has lost connection with her heart.

 

After that she asked me if she saw me and she didn't feel like anything was there anymore if I would just let her go.

 

I kinda asked her the same back and she got a bit mad saying that she felt by asking her she thinks I don't care for her. Then I explained I do wanna meet and talk and listen to her.

 

Anyways she basically said she needs time to sort her feelings out. That she doesn't want to meet me to lead me on.. so she wants to mentally and emotionally prepare herself to meet me thats is IF she decides to meet me. My guess she means is that if she can't feel anything anymore.. then she doesn't want to meet to lead me on. Saying it isn't fair to meet up with me to lead me on. She wants to know that she can be with me still before she decides to meet up.

 

LOL... so I said no worries..and stopped the conversion. I didn't want to pressure her or force her, because I did that before and it made her react out of anger by forcing her.

 

For me it's simple... act as if we are done and I am moving on. I have lots of work and all to do this week, so I won't really care about her motives. If she comes back then great.. if she says she doesn't want to see me.. then good. Either way I don't care, because I win either way.

 

I can live with her and I can live without her too. In the meantime I'll give her the week to think about what she wants to feel or what she wants. But she seems like she is very confused and doesn't know what to feel.

 

She said stuff about wanting to know if I really changed and would care. And for once I think I made a positive move by not forcing or pressuring her. Last time I forceed and pressured so much it pushed her back.

 

The good thing is before I would panick, but now I have no panick left in me. it's like either way with or without me.. I can find a way to be happy.

Edited October 24, 2012 by LostOne1

[whichwayisup]

You've come a long way!

 

Sometimes you can't go back.. Life goes on and it seems you're pretty close to in different, so if she can't make it on the weekend to see you, my suggestion is, back way off focus on you and your life, leave her out of yours. If she reaches out and wants to see you, tell her a certain time and date, that's when YOU are available. This way she can't be wishy washy with you anymore.. You're taking control instead of her calling the shots.

[LostOne1]

You've come a long way!

 

Sometimes you can't go back.. Life goes on and it seems you're pretty close to in different, so if she can't make it on the weekend to see you, my suggestion is, back way off focus on you and your life, leave her out of yours. If she reaches out and wants to see you, tell her a certain time and date, that's when YOU are available. This way she can't be wishy washy with you anymore.. You're taking control instead of her calling the shots.

Yes a long long way.

 

What can I say.. I'm such an awesome guy and then I became kinda of a loser. And now I feel like my awesome self again. In fact I've been dancing and laughing listening to music the last week.

 

I agree with your suggestions, thanks for the tips

 

There is one thing I do know, she once had a fight with me too and it was less than a week and she said the same thing when we met. That she needed time to gather her feelings and after 1-2 days she was back to her old self again. Who knows what will happen this time around.. but this time I am ready for the best or the worst.

 

Like you said I am just taking control of my life, which is the only thing I CAN actually control is my own actions, my own thoughts and my own life. And, that's what I am doing right now. Keeping myself busy with school and work and juggling time for old friends once again.

 

I actually had no time to think about my ex until her recent text harassment. Otherwise I had stopped looking at my phone for texts, and accepted it was over and done and I'd be okay.

[LostOne1]

So the weekend is here.. my week has been easier this week with less work and school load. Today feel sick, so been resting lots. And resting doesn't help when you can't sleep and then your mind wanders.

 

So in over a week now I haven't talked to my ex. In fact she told me she might see me this weeekend. Well the 1st day of the weekend is over and nothing from her end.

 

What's hit me is I don't get it all.

 

What does she mean when she states:

 

- she wants to sit down and talk it out

- she says i've hurt her so much and have no idea what I put her through

- she can't see me so soon,. because she doesn't want to lead me on?

- she wants to be emotionally and mentally prepared to meet me if she does

- She's sorry

- If she decides its still not working out, am I willing to still let her go

- She asks me to give her some time to sort out her feelings

- Her heart and mind are pulling her in 2 different directions and shes trying to pull them into one direction

- shes lost her connection with her heart

- thanks for giving her time and being understanding

 

So she did say last week she would try to meet up this weekend, but she won't make any promises at all. Anyways the above is the jist of what happened last week. She actually reached out to me for once and did it for 2-3 days straight. I decided to give her the space she needs for once. I never did that before and always chased after her. And now I haven't chased at all.

 

I don't know what to think of it... Because it all sounds so odd, and there are a few questions I wouldn't mind asking her if I got to meet up. At least it would give final closure though I don't need it anymore.. I kinda accepted it all and haven't looked back till today.

 

I guess I don't know what this emotionally and mentally thing means? I mean I'm fine meeting up regardless of how I feel good or bad, but I don't know what it means for her?

[Simon Phoenix]

Dude, you are going to drive yourself crazy. She probably has no idea what she means right now, there's no way you are going to. Just sit back, move on and if she reappears, deal with it then.

[suladas]

I think the best thing you can do it just forget it all, and say f**k it. If she contacts you, deal with it then otherwise just forget her and meet someone new.

[LostOne1]

So guys I did it today. It's finally over and I'm not sure how I feel.

 

Last as I said was she said she wanted to work it out and would see me. She flaked out on me and then we talked and it got heated. She started to ignore me and become really rude and making excuses and just cold once again.

 

So I let it go and I sat down for 2 days and tried to see how I felt.

 

I realized I was suffering.. her making me suffer giving me hope at different times and then she would turn her back and change her mind. I couldn't take it being stringed along.

 

Everyone I talked to said she was immature for doing that, and for telling me she was with someone out of anger. And in fact 2 days ago I noticed the guy she was talking with on her trip, which she said was a friend blocked me on Facebook? Which made no sense, because I don't have any contact with that guy what so ever.

 

Anyways I did something crazy today, but I felt it would end my pain, but mostly likely 99.9% maybe even 100% end anything we ever had and could ever have.

 

I went by her place and dropped off gifts she gave me and cards in a gift bag with her name on it. I didn't expect her parents to open it, but I think they did...

 

All I know is she gets home and I get range texts from her telling me how she never hated me until today, and how she regrets me and ripped everything and tore it apart etc..

 

I did feel a little bad, but honestly my intentions were for HER to see it only. She seemed mad that it wasn't a sealed box, so I assume her mom and/or dad saw it too. Anyways I don't feel as bad why? Because now she will hate me forever, and I KNOW there is no chance left.

 

I will know she feels what she made me feel, pain, anger. She strung me along this whole time and I let her.

 

Yes I know some people here will say why not just use NC and not have sent anything. I guess because of 2 things.

1) That I was hoping she would get the stuff and see it and think of what it meant to get me the gifts.

2) that I didn't have it in me to burn or throw them away, I wanted her to be the last one to see it and if she discards it.. that's her choice.

 

It's tough, because when I left the stuff I felt hurt. I knew it meant it was the end, but I felt some what good because it meant my suffering would be gone.

 

I made mistakes in the relationship, she made some too. I feel we just weren't ready to be in a relationship. I feel I needed to learn more and understand more.

 

But in the end though I wasn't looking for revenge I guess I got it? I mean she hurt me so much that my own parents had to watch me suffer, not eat, and see how I was so badly effected. And now her parents know of what she did to me, as I did post a letter with all the gifts. But I didn't expect the parents to go through her stuff.

 

DId I mess up? maybe.. maybe things would have gotten better? who knows, but one thing I realized is she wasnt worth it. No girl that can do what she did at the end make it worth it. I understand at some point she loved me unconditionally, and truly cared. But what she did at the end to make me suffer for fun wasn't right. Asking for space to try someone else on her trip away from me wasn't right.

 

In fact ever since out break up nothing went right. When we got time away for over a month things were still bad, things seemed better then worse again. I guess I just didn't want it anymore, I didn't want the pain.

 

And now I know I can move on. I can look back and say she hates me, I can hate her for what she did and we both can move on now. I know some people won't agree with what I did.. maybe I won't either. I just know my heart told me to get the stuff back to her. And that's what I did... the end for this relationship.

 

Hopefully the next one is going to be better and with all I learned. I hope I don't make the same mistakes, but also find someone who would never cheat on me or even consider it even if I mess up. Because at heart everyone that knows me, knows that I never hurt anyone on purpose or intent to ever. I'm just not a hateful person.

 

I guess I won't need to post here anymore. I wish all the others out there better luck than me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Sorry man. I still think patience would have made this whole process a lot less painful and dramatic for you. You kept putting your hand over the flame. Oh well, what's done is done.

[LostOne1]

Sorry man. I still think patience would have made this whole process a lot less painful and dramatic for you. You kept putting your hand over the flame. Oh well, what's done is done.

maybe it would have.. like I said maybe things would be better. But the problem was I couldn't play her game anymore. I could play this her chasing me and telling me she wants to work it out and being all serious. And a few days later going back to being cold and un sure and then saying she doesn't want this anymore with me.

 

And she never apologized for her behaviour not once... she just was immature and I know she wouldn't have changed her decision. If she did it would've been at a point where I wouldn't want her.

 

And I honestly started to not want her much anymore. What is the point if I have to deal with her anger this way. I dealt with her anger for 3 yrs where if she got mad she did crazy things, made racist comments about my family, told me she was with another guy, etc.. etc.. I always had to be the calm one trying to work it out and I guess I realized I just couldnt take this suffering anymore.

 

NC for me was harder than ending it. I felt it was ended anyways and everyone else kept saying WHY... WHY in gods name would you even WANT to work it out with a girl who can go as far as saying shes cheating on you when shes not. I mean how many people would want to hear that after you know your ex has been on a trip seeing another guy even if she claims their friends.

 

I guess I realized I was done. And yeah I feel just a lil bad about her parents seeing it all. I didnt expect them too, but what's done is done. I did my best to work it out and I just felt she never wanted to work it out. She said she was happier without me and well now she can be happy hating me and it allows her to move on faster. Or maybe not.. I don't know. Maybe she will be even more hurt now because she never expect this and now has to go through more pain... but she failed to see my pain too. I wished for once she kept that promise of seeing me so we could tell each other how we feel and the pain we are going through. But her mind was totally stuck on her own self as she put it.. she wants to be selfish for once and think and care about her own self only.

 

I can move on faster too now knowing there is nothing left. I finally won't suffer now, I won't have to worry about her coming back or not. I won't have to worry about her leading me on. I can move on and know she wasn't worth it for me.

 

Shes just upset and mad because her parents saw everything and I assume they are upset at her. She did say I should have wrapped it fully, so to me that means shes more upset her parents know about this than her getting it. Though her parents kinda knew about me anyways.. I think it's the fact that they see she hurt me and probably aren't happy about it.

 

There isn't much I can do now and probably never was... All I can say is now at least I know how to handle a BU from the start with NC way way ahead of time.

 

If I had seen this website before. I think her and I would still be together. I would've given her the space she wanted and when she got back still given it to her and seen if she comes back to me. And I have a feeling if she wasnt with someone she would have, and she did say that to me last month. If I had given her the space when she got back, she would have come back to me. Not sure if it's true or a lead on... but I didn't give her the space and was too scared she was going to use it for the new guy.

 

it's all about lessons learned and I honestly feel good right now. I hurt a little, but the suffering bit is gone and I know after a few days it won't matter. She is not going to want anything to do with me and I don't want anything to do with her again.

 

For once I thought this love story would never end. But it goes to show that even when things are going so well.. you just never know what an go wrong. And if your used to having things go so well.. it becomes tough to know what to do when things go bad. If I had seen this place when my BU started and not weeks later.. I might have had a better outcome. But it's life.. time to move on now and find a way to be happy.

Edited November 3, 2012 by LostOne1

[suladas]

As wierd as it may sound, I don't think you want it to be over. It seems like you want an excuse to keep in contact with her in some respect, or even get a rise out of her. I can't count how many times you've said it was over honestly.

 

Eventually you just have to put a end to it all.

[LostOne1]

As wierd as it may sound, I don't think you want it to be over. It seems like you want an excuse to keep in contact with her in some respect, or even get a rise out of her. I can't count how many times you've said it was over honestly.

 

Eventually you just have to put a end to it all.

I know what you mean.

 

I didn't want it to be over, but I HAD to make it over. It that makes sense.

 

I guess I didn't expect her parents to view the presents. So that's what ticked her off and I assume they must have said something or another to her. I didn't mean to hurt her parents, I kinda wish I could call them and apologize. I understand they must be feeling awkward too, this guy just sending stuff for their daughter and them finding out she was with someone and hurt the guy or left him.

 

Now I have no excuse to stay in contact which was part of why I did this now. She will hate me and it will force me not to have any contact, because now I know she won't want this and it gets me to admit I don't want this either now.

 

Did I want a rise out of her? partly yes, I thought maybe sending things she gave me from her heart would let her feel like Im moving on or that she would feel what she felt when she gave me the stuff. But once again stuff backfired haha and her parents opened everything and looked at it all.

 

But this time it is honestly over. I mean before she lead me on and told me she wanted to work it out. Then she tells me a few days later she doesn't. And after that I realized I can't do this anymore. Doesn't mean I still don't have feelings, but it means I can't keep torturing myself and at the same time letting her do it.

 

I do feel some guilt right now slightly... Because in some ways I wonder if keeping NC woulda gotten her back. But it was NC and winning her back and suffering vs ending it with her to a point where she will never want to talk again.

 

And after seeing my friends who saw me suffer and told me to put a stop to it. And after seeing family telling me she is not worth it. After seeing how coldly she treats me at times and shows she doesn't even care. I decided to end it. I mean if she once even apologized or showed she would sit down and talk. I would've been okay with it, but she just has something going on and I couldn't handle it anymore. If I had handled this BU from the start with NC.. maybe things would be different now. I don't know.. I just know it's been the hardest time of my life losing 2 people I cared about and were important too me.

 

I mean sure I still have some feelings, and I know she did too. The difference is her mind and heart are telling her different things and she was following her mind. Once in awhile she let her heart take over, which is when she came back to work it out. THen her mind took over and she changed her mind. But I can't live that way I'm human and I can't go from her chasing after me to work it out and then to pushing me away.

 

So now with this.. she will hate me for life. It will hurt more, because I'm sure she kept memories of us. And now she will be so mad and hate me so much. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow she dumps or burns everything I ever gave her.

 

So yeah it's gonna hurt for this weekend for sure. THe guilt will hurt a bit, the pain of knowing what I did really did end any chance.. yeah it will hurt. But at least now she can't lead me on and I won't suffer. I won't go from she wants to work it out to her changing her mind. Now it will all be about how she hurt me, how I hurt her and how I had to do what I did to stop her and myself from being more hurt.

Edited November 3, 2012 by LostOne1

[suladas]

See but you said about saying sorry to her parents and just keeping the contact going. Dropping off the stuff imo was a mistake, but it's done. The best thing is to just drop it all, and do not do anything else. The longer you keep it going, the longer before you get over it and completely move on.

[LostOne1]

See but you said about saying sorry to her parents and just keeping the contact going. Dropping off the stuff imo was a mistake, but it's done. The best thing is to just drop it all, and do not do anything else. The longer you keep it going, the longer before you get over it and completely move on.

yeah thats the guilt slightly talking...

 

as for dropping stuff off.. most people would've said it;s wrong.. but honestly I just had a urge to do it.

 

and honestly there is nothing else left to be done. I don't want to do anything for her anymore. What did I get out of it? Nothing but suffering of her playing games with me. I looked like a fool probably talking to her and her knowing she had me on a leash.

 

I don't even get why she is mad or hateful anyways? If she stated she doesn't want to be with me and all. Then why care what I do or not? She could've just dumped everything instead of texting me about how she's hateful and regrets meeting me ever. How is it my fault her parents opened her stuff? She's 26 I would expect she would have her own privacy.

 

That's why I did this so I can't keep it going longer. It will be tough because december the holidays will kick in and I know it will hurt then, as well as her bday in jan. I kinda hope in this time I can get myself busy with something enough to not remember those times when they come up.

[LostOne1]

So I feel like crap again today.. I had my grandma's prayer this weekend. She passed away in the summer. Anyways it brought back all my pain.

 

It's sad because I've associated my grandma's death as the starting point towards more pain. Towards losing my ex after, towards being sick, school troubles etc...

 

After my grandma passed away NOTHING has gone right for me. Anytime I try to do something lately it goes bad even if my intentions have been good.

 

And lately I've been stuck thinking about my ex starting this weekend. I just feel pain one moment and anger the next.

 

I just think HOW could she do this to me and us. How did I do this to us.. why didn't communicate better, why didn't I LISTEN to tips my ex and my sister would give me to keep this relationship better. Why didn't I go NC fully and fight the urge to talk to her.

 

And then I go to hating her just wishing she was dead, that she blames me for everything even though she was wrong for some things she did, that she never once said sorry about anything and thought everything she was doing was right even swearing at me.

 

I hate her for harassing me NON STOP and my sister to see my grandma before she passes away. And then when I let her she complains and then only a month later she breaks up with me. I hate her for never understanding me, she kept thinking I didn't talk to her much because I was busy having fun without her. I hate that she never gave me a chance, that she told me she was seeing someone else now.. regardless if it's true or if she said it out of anger to get me to leave her alone.

 

I guess I just feel deep down inside that ALL we needed to do was SIT down and TALK and let our feelings out. Because the distance didn;t allow us to do that and our communication lacked and suffered and for that she blamed it ALL on me.

 

Part of me inside wants to go out there and do better than her in life. Part of me wants to find someone BETTER than her, who looks better, that understand me better, and doesn't get angry and do or say things she doesn't mean. It makes me want to find a way to get an amazing career to be more successful than her.

 

I guess I just want her 1 day to see me and know how good off I am without her. And how she messed up and gave up something good.

[norbirth]

we have the same situation how. How can i solve this problems. The hurts, the pain, everything is eating mi inside-out..

[LostOne1]

we have the same situation how. How can i solve this problems. The hurts, the pain, everything is eating mi inside-out..

I think only time... because I tried fighting for her and at times it did help, but I made the mistake of having my anger and pain come out. I should've realized she was VERY upset and her breaking up with me meant she was super hurt inside to be able to go that far after 3 yrs.

 

I didn't listen to anyones advice of leaving her alone and giving her the space she needs. Even then I think there would be no guarantee of us getting back together. But at least it would allow us to cool down a bit.

 

I guess I have some regret of not going NC day 1. At least then all of the fights we had after i broke NC wouldn't have happened and things wouldn't have gotten even worse.

[LostOne1]

Been another tough day. Spent last day with a friend and it "sort" of helped. I can say alcohol doesn't help and I haven't had much motivation or confidence to talk to people or do much.

 

My final exam and group project are coming up and it's been hard to concentrate.

 

Today I was cleaning my room and found old stuff my ex gave me like some notes, books, and cool items. It hurt a lot once again and brought me back to regretting me not doing more or me not going NC or handling the BU properly.

 

It felt like everytime I tried to fix it.. it just made things worse and worse to a point I can't even imagine how we could ever solve it or work it out. I guess it's beyond the limit for her now.

 

I felt anger for her BU with me, because she thought I was too busy to talk to her. It makes me mad that if something was bothering her that she NEVER pushed me to hear her out. It's hard to know from the phone or through text if someone has something bothering them.

 

SO I guess I feel like I am being punished for something she misunderstood. And when I tried to explain my side she never once wanted to hear it or just disproved it. She always threw out more of my flaws rather than the things I did well. Guess it hurts to know that I've never seen her become so cold towards me or hate me this much ever.

 

If someone told me in my worst dream that she could be that cold and hashs.. I'd never believe that person one bit.

 

I guess for once I'm confused on life now. I'm jealous that I helped her become a better person and successful though she won't admit it. But she wanted to do something with her life with me. Now she bails out on me and well leaves me with nothing. I have to fend for myself and sadly.. I've never been this down or confused.

 

School has not been going right either. I am going to see an advisor tmrw and hope some good news comes out. But lately I've jsut been stressed. I've been wanting to talk to my parents about school and life as well.. but I don't know how they will take it.

[LostOne1]

Buckle your chinstrap its going to be a bumpy ride till you meet the person you marry.

 

You need to stop taking things so personal and making it a reflection of your self worth.

 

You will date plenty of women, have several more LTRs that end in a break up before you meet the person you marry.

 

Its not you, just how the cookie crumbles.

 

Well honestly.. I haven't had many relationships... this was by far the most serious one. Sadly I made some mistakes at times, and even with help from others I didn't listen.

 

I think I realize I became very lazy, spoiled and just didn't love myself. I kinda became a kid rather than a man. And now I feel more like a man and someone, who has to be strong and tough in life to get far.

 

I guess it's just painful, because it was a BU that could've been avoided or resolved and it just didn't happen. Guess I never expected someone to care so much and then just turn a 360 degree flip and turn as cold and mean as possible.

[cavalier99]

Hey lostone sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Just so you know I have enjoyed your posts and you have helped me during my break up especially when you responded to that rant i had couple of weeks ago.

 

In many of your posts you seem like you're doing fine and I also feel like I'm doing well . But at times but also I find myself going backwards and relive the past especially the trauma at the end and things i said things she did ecetera.

 

I guess this is normal but we need to snap ourselves out of it. I feel you when say it is like we need something good to happen in our lives.

 

Just because we are recovering doesn't mean our lives are perfect or we are happier than when we were in the good part of the relationship. We aren't happier now and may not be for quite while.. and it is the new reality unless we change it slowly.

 

I guess..think about is it her that is getting you down? Or is it really other things. This is a big time growing experience and it is painful unfortunately.

 

I'm beginning to think for me when I get down I'm just doing it to myself and I'm not happy with some changes I need to make in my life and maybe I transfer some of this to her.

 

We are on our own and there is not that shoulder to lean on any more like you said and i fully agree. We just need to be really strong. Whether we want to or not. Hang in there and no pity parties. Ok. Man up and no more what ifs. Im saying this to myself also lol

 

Ive decided to stop myself from going down memory lane and shift these thought quickly. You should do the same. We are to far removed from things now to keep on focusing on the details. At first this was mourning the relationship and it was fine but now it isnt healthy. Do you understand where im coming from?

 

Hi ho silver

Edited November 30, 2012 by cavalier99

[LostOne1]

Hey lostone sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Just so you know I have enjoyed your posts and you have helped me during my break up especially when you responded to that rant i had couple of weeks ago.

 

In many of your posts you seem like you're doing fine and I also feel like I'm doing well . But at times but also I find myself going backwards and relive the past especially the trauma at the end and things i said things she did ecetera.

 

I guess this is normal but we need to snap ourselves out of it. I feel you when say it is like we need something good to happen in our lives.

 

Just because we are recovering doesn't mean our lives are perfect or we are happier than when we were in the good part of the relationship. We aren't happier now and may not be for quite while.. and it is the new reality unless we change it slowly.

 

I guess..think about is it her that is getting you down? Or is it really other things. This is a big time growing experience and it is painful unfortunately.

 

I'm beginning to think for me when I get down I'm just doing it to myself and I'm not happy with some changes I need to make in my life and maybe I transfer some of this to her.

 

We are on our own and there is not that shoulder to lean on any more like you said and i fully agree. We just need to be really strong. Whether we want to or not. Hang in there and no pity parties. Ok. Man up and no more what ifs. Im saying this to myself also lol

 

Ive decided to stop myself from going down memory lane and shift these thought quickly. You should do the same. We are to far removed from things now to keep on focusing on the details. At first this was mourning the relationship and it was fine but now it isnt healthy. Do you understand where im coming from?

 

Hi ho silver

thanks for the boost

 

yeah I think it's the fact that my life has crumbled. Normally I've never had this many things go wrong at once. It's usually a few things go wrong or 1 bad thing. ANd I can deal with that.. but since the summer losing my grandma, then my ex and other things happening. It hit me so hard over and over again... I kinda didn't have the strength to stand back up.

 

I think I'm more confused now and lost than ever. I guess with my ex I felt some security or support. Now she's gone there is none of it. it's all about me now and that's one of the harder parts.

 

I guess I also feel she is going to be better off than me. And the last thing I want in the future is to run into her and have her think, feel or see she is BETTER off without me as she told me she is...

 

Which is why as of late I have been looking at volunteering and trying to work with others to get somewhere in life now. I guess for once I want to be mature, a MAN and get somewhere in life. I wanna be INDEPENDENT again like I used to be before I met my ex.

[cavalier99]

thanks for the boost

 

yeah I think it's the fact that my life has crumbled. Normally I've never had this many things go wrong at once. It's usually a few things go wrong or 1 bad thing. ANd I can deal with that.. but since the summer losing my grandma, then my ex and other things happening. It hit me so hard over and over again... I kinda didn't have the strength to stand back up.

 

I think I'm more confused now and lost than ever. I guess with my ex I felt some security or support. Now she's gone there is none of it. it's all about me now and that's one of the harder parts.

 

I guess I also feel she is going to be better off than me. And the last thing I want in the future is to run into her and have her think, feel or see she is BETTER off without me as she told me she is...

 

Which is why as of late I have been looking at volunteering and trying to work with others to get somewhere in life now. I guess for once I want to be mature, a MAN and get somewhere in life. I wanna be INDEPENDENT again like I used to be before I met my ex.

 

We will get there man! Think of your self as a kid and a caring person saying

Buck up little camper lol wipe the tears away. Only this time you need to do it yourself. But you can do it. Listen man my dad passed away a year ago. Later this breakup. But the thing is this stuff happen to all of us. Im not religious but i pray for strength now daily. I'm trying to be grateful even if it is for the air i breath. You get me?

 

Shift your attitude..at least that is what im trying and i know it will work and is working or id not be this far along. People have it a lot worse than us and still keep it together. We can also. You can do it bud! You have it inside you.

Edited November 30, 2012 by cavalier99

[suladas]

Thinking about what you could of done different, or if she would of spoke up whatever doesn't matter it's all in the past. And the thing is, if she wanted to be with you bad enough, she would of tried to work on these things, I felt the EXACT same way but you just have to say f**k it man. Some days I can't either and it sucks but you can't do anything but move on. But those days get less and less, and eventually go away totally and man it feels good to be there. You will get there, everyone does.

 

I can relate, these past months have been the worst of my life, I wish the BU was even the worst thing, but it's not. It makes you stronger in the end though.

 

You think it makes me happy to know my ex has been dating a new guy for probably almost 2 months now and is obviously happy with him and I get the joy of seeing them together all the time? It use to kill me to think about, because i'm still alone, only been on one date and it wasn't great. But I just laugh it off, and realize i'm better off without her, and I hate to say it but I get satisfaction knowing unless she changed a LOT this new relationship is going to blow up in her face. She sure was my first. I use to be scared of finding someone as good. But you know what? We will all find someone who would never give up on us, not someone who will just up and leave like that, they aren't worth it. They aren't worth another thought. I put up with way to much BS as i'm sure you did to, I am actually glad it ended before it got worse. Sure I wish it would of went different, but it could of been a lot worse.

 

Have you been noticing improvement though? If so, that's good but if not you need to change something. Like I broke contact yesterday trying to hash some things out didn't work out trying to talk to her. It got me down for a few hours but now I couldn't careless again. Big change from even a few weeks ago.

 

There's millions of women out there, one isn't worth worrying about.

[LostOne1]

Thinking about what you could of done different, or if she would of spoke up whatever doesn't matter it's all in the past. And the thing is, if she wanted to be with you bad enough, she would of tried to work on these things, I felt the EXACT same way but you just have to say f**k it man. Some days I can't either and it sucks but you can't do anything but move on. But those days get less and less, and eventually go away totally and man it feels good to be there. You will get there, everyone does.

 

I can relate, these past months have been the worst of my life, I wish the BU was even the worst thing, but it's not. It makes you stronger in the end though.

 

You think it makes me happy to know my ex has been dating a new guy for probably almost 2 months now and is obviously happy with him and I get the joy of seeing them together all the time? It use to kill me to think about, because i'm still alone, only been on one date and it wasn't great. But I just laugh it off, and realize i'm better off without her, and I hate to say it but I get satisfaction knowing unless she changed a LOT this new relationship is going to blow up in her face. She sure was my first. I use to be scared of finding someone as good. But you know what? We will all find someone who would never give up on us, not someone who will just up and leave like that, they aren't worth it. They aren't worth another thought. I put up with way to much BS as i'm sure you did to, I am actually glad it ended before it got worse. Sure I wish it would of went different, but it could of been a lot worse.

 

Have you been noticing improvement though? If so, that's good but if not you need to change something. Like I broke contact yesterday trying to hash some things out didn't work out trying to talk to her. It got me down for a few hours but now I couldn't careless again. Big change from even a few weeks ago.

 

There's millions of women out there, one isn't worth worrying about.

 

Normally I was doing well and felt good.

 

But then I went to a prayer held for my grandma who passed away in the summer. And then I just felt the pain and I saw my grandpa cry and sadly.. I've associate all the negative things happening with the death of my grandma

 

It's because after she suffered a stroke and passed away.. since then EVERYTHING has gone down hill.. then my ex left me, then I had to withdraw from school for a bit etc.. etc..

 

So at the prayer it brought back ALL the pain I held it inside so hard, because I didn't want to break down like my grandma in front of all my family and relatives. But it was so painful inside to feel the loss of people I cared about.

 

One person, who I can never get back in this lifetime and one person who doesn't want to come back.

[LostOne1]

So feel kinda weird today.

 

I had a reflection of myself and realized.. maybe I kinda deserved this BU and loss.

 

I always thought and saw myself as the type to comfort the girl I love when shes crying. To wipe her tears and hug her tightly.

 

I realized it never happened that way though.. I remember 1 time she cried I didn't wipe her tears.. I didn't hug her and tell her it was going to be okay.

 

Maybe I did it,. because she told me not to, or I was scared to do it, or didn't think of it at that moment. I realized the loving person I thought I was... never fully came out.

 

I don't know if I was scared to bring that person out.. or he just wasn't used to coming out.

 

But that hurt me today.. to know I could've been a better person. And now to know that I can ONLY do that in the future with someone else.

 

I guess today I am a bit disappointed with myself. I let myself down, and with that my relationship crashed.

 

For once in my life my lazyness, lack of motivation and other negative factors beat me down and took away all my good qualities.

 

SO I guess this is a good time to find myself again.. LIST what I want to become and how to reach that goal.

 

Look at all my negative qualities and slowly get rid of them over time.

 

Guess I just need to be a better person again, but it all starts with changes within me and pushing myself to make these changes.

 

I do miss my ex a bit.. I find less and less, but 1 thing that bugs me is if she even feels the loss that I do.

[Simon Phoenix]

All of this happens for a reason. Even the things we do which seem bad at the time almost always serve a greater purpose IMO. That's how I approach mine. Sure, I pretty much forced her to break with me by acting like a jackass in a drunken fit, but if one moment of weakness brought on by a little too much drinking was enough to make her bail, then is she worth my time in the first place? Especially when I had been close to perfect to that point? That's the way I see it, maybe my drunken burn was a move of retard genius instead of a horrible misstep.

 

I guess my point is that maybe you didn't wipe your ex's eyes when she was crying because she wasn't meant to be the person you would do that for. Maybe when the next one, or the one after that, cries you'll be there to do it because it will feel like the right, natural thing to do. So don't sweat that -- you might not have comforted her like that because, for whatever reason, it wasn't the right thing for you to do. Don't beat yourself up.

 

On another note, had a weird dream last night. I was at a hotel waiting for a wedding and interacting with all sort of various friends from different walks of my life who don't know each other at all, one of them being my ex's sister, who I was laughing and having a great time with. I was somehow transported into a parking lot and strolling through it when my phone rings and vibrates in my pocket. I look down and it's a private number, so I pick up and it's my ex, her voice as vivid as if she was literally standing right next to me when I'm awake. She tells me "I need you to leave a message with the front desk". I'm like "What, you aren't coming to the wedding". She mumbles something and I tell her I can't understand her. She then says "Tell them that you don't trust me anymore". I'm like "Why would I tell that to the front desk. You aren't making any sense." Then I woke up.

 

Doesn't really fit with this thread, but it was an odd dream. So I guess I broke NC in the dream world