NC and sister FB delete

[Simon Phoenix]

You are overthinking this. I would not send that email right now. And are you really sure you'd be Ok if she didn't answer or if she gave a dismissive answer? I'm not sure if you would, otherwise you wouldn't have written that long of a justification for it. You are going to do what you want to do but my hunch is that you aren't as ready to move on as you think you are.

[LostOne1]

You are overthinking this. I would not send that email right now. And are you really sure you'd be Ok if she didn't answer or if she gave a dismissive answer? I'm not sure if you would, otherwise you wouldn't have written that long of a justification for it. You are going to do what you want to do but my hunch is that you aren't as ready to move on as you think you are.

yeah I might be overthinking it a bit, which is why I haven't sent it...

 

If I don't get a reply, it would mean she isn't interested anymore and my use of energy on her is a waste, so I'd want to leave it at that and know the answer is move on.

 

If she does reply and says something harsh, well then I know no matter what I do, say, wait etc.. She will never want me back, and once again I have no use to waste my energy on her anymore. It means shes not going to want me back in her life and I need to move on with my own knowing even after a month she has not gotten past the anger.

 

I just hate going NC and having these nonsense thoughts of things will get better not just for me, but for US. I understand how NC is helping me heal, I noticed the change from a month ago to right now.

 

But I fear if I give too much time, my last chance with her if there ever was one.. will be gone too. She hasn't seen me in person for 3 months almost, and 1 month from any contact at all.

[Simon Phoenix]

There's no time limit on no contact. And her not answering would mean that she's not interested now, not that she's not interested forever (it might eventually mean that, but you can't assume). Honestly, you shouldn't send an email like this until you are at the point where you have no need to send an email like this. I just really don't get the point of doing it -- you'll be opening wounds. You say you won't care, but you will care -- more than you think you will. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have written the e-mail in the first place.

 

But yeah, this concept you have in your mind that it's now-or-never is not correct. There isn't an hourglass or a ticking clock. Hell, my sister didn't communicate with her current boyfriend for six months when they were on a break. He tried a couple times, she didn't answer and she dated a couple of other people in the interim. He backed off, she finally reached out to him and let him say his say. Guess what? They've been together again for two years and are now moving in together.

 

So yeah, you need to stop acting like it's a countdown for a space shuttle launch. And how she treated exes does not mean that's how she'll treat you -- she didn't treat you the same as her exes when you were dating, why would she do the same now?

[suladas]

Agreed, I though about the time thing to thinking I can't wait, truth is if you are going to get back together time will not affect it you just have to let it be. If you have tried and told her how you feel, she knows and that's all you can do.

 

I told myself I wouldn't care if my ex didn't reply to the last 2 texts I sent, she didn't reply and I did care when it happened. You may fully believe you won't but until it happens you don't know.

 

Give it more time, and you'll be fine. I resisted the urge and now I still think about her, I really couldn't careless if we ever get back together though and man it is a GREAT feeling to be free like that again. And if you do send it, it's likely going to impede your healing progress.

[Simon Phoenix]

Agreed, I though about the time thing to thinking I can't wait, truth is if you are going to get back together time will not affect it you just have to let it be. If you have tried and told her how you feel, she knows and that's all you can do.

 

I told myself I wouldn't care if my ex didn't reply to the last 2 texts I sent, she didn't reply and I did care when it happened. You may fully believe you won't but until it happens you don't know.

 

Give it more time, and you'll be fine. I resisted the urge and now I still think about her, I really couldn't careless if we ever get back together though and man it is a GREAT feeling to be free like that again. And if you do send it, it's likely going to impede your healing progress.

 

Same. I wished her a happy birthday a few days ago, which she responded to (though the hour that it took her to respond was killing me even though I knew she was probably at work and busy), so then I decide to ask her how she was celebrating her birthday, to which I got nothing. That sucked and I felt like I was back in the first couple weeks after the break. I don't want to deal with that crap every time I try to contact her.

 

Before I contacted her, I had gotten some breadcrumbs (tagging me in a funny Facebook photo, telling me that "I'm sure I'll see you soon" after we hung out last, offering me tickets to a sporting event, etc.) so I figured "I'll wish her happy birthday see if I can parlay that into something. If not, no big deal, I'll try again next week." Yeah, it wasn't "no big deal". It hurt. And I think it will hurt LostOne1.

[LostOne1]

I guess you guys are right.

 

I know if I did email, I'd be thinking.. I wonder if she read it, did she reply, when or if ever will she reply.. etc...

 

The thing with time is.. well you might be right with how she will treat me as a ex versues her last ex before me. From what I know, I don't think she was this serious with any of her other ex's. I don't think she vacationed with any of them, introduced her family to any of them.. she really thought it was going to be me and her for life. And, she's never thought that I think, otherwise she wouldn't have done those certain things.

 

I kinda made the same mistake earlier while we wer ein the process of breaking up. She said she needed space, I gave her 1-2 days then would text her then 1-2 days an text her etc.. I did it because she was away in another city hangining with other people and for sure a guy she said was a helpful friend. I didn't want to lose her considering he was doing all these nice things for her. I remember she told me that he told her he likes her. So I always felt if I kept textin every few days it would prevent her from leaving me for this guy....

 

Well I don't know if it helped or not, probably didn't help. Now that shes been back in our city for a month.. I was hoping reality would set in and she would be back home, but realize im not around with me placing NC. But when we fought she did hint that the guy might be coming to our city for her. I don't know if she said good stuff about him comparing me to him out of anger or if she really is going to be with this guy.

 

I can't really see her being with me for 3yrs and loving me so much, probably more than the love I showed her and to jump to another guy. I mean her last ex hurt her so much she wasn't willing to date guys at all, she hated guys, but some how I arrived in such a way (long story), and the things I did for her.. made her see that I was worth her time.

 

Now.. I'm not so sure. I think she's doing a 4 month work experience... and as crazy as it sounds, I think it's at my moms work too lol! So she might crash into her a lot. I don't know if work will be keeping her busy and not allowing her to feel the loss.

 

I know for me as school load is picking up starting this week... I'll be super busy as well. I guess what I'm saying is I felt contacting her would help or that maybe by now she's more calm and cool. But then again she could be enjoying her work so much, that she might not care or might forget me fairly easily.

[LostOne1]

A thing I want to add is also the fact that I don't want her to think im selfish. I mean at times I acted selfish without knowing it. I don't want her thinking "hey this guy hasnt talked to me in a month it means he never cared or loved me, how could he move on so fast and not contact me within the month, he must have never loved me at all"

 

That will just push her to hate me even more or justify that she needs to fully move on if she hasnt already?

[Simon Phoenix]

A thing I want to add is also the fact that I don't want her to think im selfish. I mean at times I acted selfish without knowing it. I don't want her thinking "hey this guy hasnt talked to me in a month it means he never cared or loved me, how could he move on so fast and not contact me within the month, he must have never loved me at all"

 

That will just push her to hate me even more or justify that she needs to fully move on if she hasnt already?

 

You are way overthinking this.

[LostOne1]

You are way overthinking this.

yeah I could be....

 

that msn thing just has me mind ****ed LOL.. I let the rest go away, but the MSN thing makes no sense.

 

You come online seeing that I am online.. and then stay on for 1-2 mins. What's that? to test if I would msg?

 

I'm surprised it didn't bug her to ask WHY I am online and who I could be tlaking to since I only talk to her on msn....

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah I could be....

 

that msn thing just has me mind ****ed LOL.. I let the rest go away, but the MSN thing makes no sense.

 

You come online seeing that I am online.. and then stay on for 1-2 mins. What's that? to test if I would msg?

 

I'm surprised it didn't bug her to ask WHY I am online and who I could be tlaking to since I only talk to her on msn....

 

I really don't get the significance of this. So you were on already and she logged on, then logged off? I don't see how she would know that you were on before she logged in.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Simon Phoenix

[LostOne1]

I really don't get the significance of this. So you were on already and she logged on, then logged off? I don't see how she would know that you were on before she logged in.

well 2 things.

 

It's possible to log on in invisible mode. Which is what I normally do, and then you can see everyone online and change to online mode after.

 

Also, I noticed she STILL has be added to her msn contacts list. There is a way to know. Though it is not possible to know if she blocked me, but either way she kept me on her list and can see if im on or off regardless of her blocking me.

 

Which makes no sense, why block me on FB, but like 3 weeks later you come on MSN for a min or two, not block and delete me?

 

It felt like she was testing me to see if I would msg her first? Or she wanted to put it in my face. I have to say when she came on and I saw her name as a popup saying shes online my heart started pumping fast! Super fast! But I said I was not going to msg her and see if she messages me. But she waited and then left.

[Simon Phoenix]

well 2 things.

 

It's possible to log on in invisible mode. Which is what I normally do, and then you can see everyone online and change to online mode after.

 

Also, I noticed she STILL has be added to her msn contacts list. There is a way to know. Though it is not possible to know if she blocked me, but either way she kept me on her list and can see if im on or off regardless of her blocking me.

 

Which makes no sense, why block me on FB, but like 3 weeks later you come on MSN for a min or two, not block and delete me?

 

It felt like she was testing me to see if I would msg her first? Or she wanted to put it in my face. I have to say when she came on and I saw her name as a popup saying shes online my heart started pumping fast! Super fast! But I said I was not going to msg her and see if she messages me. But she waited and then left.

 

She might have logged on real quick when she was checking her email.

[LostOne1]

Might be possible.. but normally she checks her mail without going on MSN. I mean the whole purpose of going on MSN was to talk to me. She never used it otherwise for anything else.

[Simon Phoenix]

Might be possible.. but normally she checks her mail without going on MSN. I mean the whole purpose of going on MSN was to talk to me. She never used it otherwise for anything else.

 

I don't know man. She might have accidentally logged on as well -- I know sometimes my computer automatically logs on to messengers when I turn it on or whatever. I guess my point is that there's no way of knowing what was going on and trying to guess is just a waste of your time and going to drive you crazy. Like I said before, you are way overthinking this right now.

[LostOne1]

I don't know man. She might have accidentally logged on as well -- I know sometimes my computer automatically logs on to messengers when I turn it on or whatever. I guess my point is that there's no way of knowing what was going on and trying to guess is just a waste of your time and going to drive you crazy. Like I said before, you are way overthinking this right now.

yeah.. i'm trying not to think of it all for now.

 

Gonna go on with my day, got class later and see how I feel after.

 

The email thing still lingers in the back of my head, but I've pushed it back for a bit longer. Don't want to make any quick decisions. Just trying to stay calm and cool in my mind.

[LostOne1]

the only other thing that bugged me earlier, was why block and delete me on FB and not msn?

 

I can understand the FB part.. she did it RIGHT after the fight.

 

Where as MSN, she came on 3 weeks later. I would assume things have cooled down by then... maybe that's why she didn't delete me.

 

Either way, for now I'm not going to think of it. Trying to box myself out for today with school work.

[Simon Phoenix]

the only other thing that bugged me earlier, was why block and delete me on FB and not msn?

 

I can understand the FB part.. she did it RIGHT after the fight.

 

Where as MSN, she came on 3 weeks later. I would assume things have cooled down by then... maybe that's why she didn't delete me.

 

Either way, for now I'm not going to think of it. Trying to box myself out for today with school work.

 

I hate to be blunt, but it doesn't matter at all right now. It's inconsequential. Not everything she does or doesn't do is a sign. It's not a puzzle. You need to stop analyzing every thing she does, no matter how trivial, as some sign of how she feels about you. She might not have blocked you from MSN because she just didn't think about it. Or she didn't use it in the immediate aftermath of blocking you on Facebook and by the time she did use it, she completely forgot about blocking you. Or it's for a reason that has nothing to do with you. Even though I'm missing my ex, not everything I do or think has something to do with her. And vice-versa.

 

You are way overanalyzing everything, which is why you should not send that email. If this whole sequence has you thinking this much, there's no way her response (or non-response) to that e-mail isn't going to drive you nuts.

 

I guess I'm harping on this because I myself tend to overanalyze things. Hell, most recently I spent a few days trying to figure out if her telling me "I'm sure I'll see you soon" when she left me last was some sort of signal for me to try to hang out with her or an indication on her part that she was going to try to reestablish semi-regular contact with me. In all likelihood it meant none of that and was just a goofy way to say "see you later" or "bye".

[LostOne1]

I hate to be blunt, but it doesn't matter at all right now. It's inconsequential. Not everything she does or doesn't do is a sign. It's not a puzzle. You need to stop analyzing every thing she does, no matter how trivial, as some sign of how she feels about you. She might not have blocked you from MSN because she just didn't think about it. Or she didn't use it in the immediate aftermath of blocking you on Facebook and by the time she did use it, she completely forgot about blocking you. Or it's for a reason that has nothing to do with you. Even though I'm missing my ex, not everything I do or think has something to do with her. And vice-versa.

 

You are way overanalyzing everything, which is why you should not send that email. If this whole sequence has you thinking this much, there's no way her response (or non-response) to that e-mail isn't going to drive you nuts.

 

I guess I'm harping on this because I myself tend to overanalyze things. Hell, most recently I spent a few days trying to figure out if her telling me "I'm sure I'll see you soon" when she left me last was some sort of signal for me to try to hang out with her or an indication on her part that she was going to try to reestablish semi-regular contact with me. In all likelihood it meant none of that and was just a goofy way to say "see you later" or "bye".

haha now that you bring it up.. it sounds funny. How we over analize things thinking we can be smarter and better to beat the situation.

 

I will say one thing, which I told her about during our breakup. And once again she didn't reply to it.

 

But her older sister was going to get married a year ago. Her bf basically got into a fight with my ex's parents and from then on my ex's family hated the sister's bf and the wedding was cancelled. They didn't talk for awhile and my ex's sister basically didn't want anything to do with the guy.

 

The sister than bought an apartment and moved out of her parents home. I was invited quite a few times with me ex to hang with her during that time. Then outta no where, and I can't remember how long it had been? maybe a month. But my ex told me that her sister took the guy back. Why? Because she said she realized she still loved him. But I think also she had spent quite a few years with him 3-5, and she was probably lonely being in an apartment alone, though work kept her busy she said.

 

So her family wasn't too pleased, here is a guy that insulted them and embarassed them and made her mom cry. And, yet she took the guy back. Anyways they have been together for awhile now and just went on a vacation trip. I think her bf moved in with her now too. I met the guy earlier this year, I guess no one else talks to him in the family and well..... I was the only one that would talk since I was not part of the immediate family.

 

I told her to look at that story and love, because hey... if they can do it, so can we. But she never really replied to that comment during our breakup.

[LostOne1]

well some updates... after over a month of NC.. I got no replies back with an email.

 

I made the push on thanksgiving to text her. Before people flame me out.. hear me out.

 

I got closure and was able to see what happened.

 

Out of this long weekend (thanksgiving here in canada). I talked to her on saturday and today (monday).

 

There is NO possible way she was ever going to contact me. In fact she was so mad over our breakup, because it did end badly. She lost respect for me and my sister, because essentially we did harsh things. I posted crap about her on FB publicly, while my sister fought with her on the phone. I don't know my my sister fought, I guess she was angry that my ex told her she interfered in her life.

 

Anyways from then on today talking to her seems like shes calmed down. I did appolgize and talked for quite a bit. I just wanted her to drop the hate, because I was like her just full of hate for her. And after a month apart I felt good enough to let the hate go and just feel like it was a fight that was blown up.

 

Anyways she did tell me it was her feeling like she was stuck with me in this relationship. That she had to always make the effort and I wasn't putting much back anymore. That she has lost some respect for me after I posted crap about her on FB once she broke up with me, but doesn't and won't hold anything against me anymore. And that she's happier without me and wants to be left alone.

 

That's the summary of our talk, but I really wanted her to get the hate out. She seemed MUCH more angry with my sister and most of the time just talked about how she hates my sister, how dare she call her and bitch her out etc... It almost seemed like she hated my sister more than me.

 

If there is something I learned from this.. is that you should ALWAYS stay calm when problems happen. I know we all panic and say or do stupid things and I def regret what I did and that I should've held my sister from calling her.

 

I still don't think it's fair for what she did to get out of the relationship.. trying to tell me she's with someone else, making me suffer for a month leading me on. But at the end of the day I feel good appologizing for my mistakes and being able to be mature enough to learn from this experience.

 

Sure there will be what if I put more effort in.. what if I did etc.. etc.. But that is all gone and from what I can tell from her end. She doesn't want to talk to me at all. She seemed just frusterated by talking to me or having my presence. But it was good that I got her from a hateful cursing state to a calm one where she was talking nicely and opening up about everything.

 

I realized our WHOLE relationship also ended on miscommunication once she left for 2 months 4 hours away for a work trip. I was very ill, my grandmother had passed away the month before. I kept contact low, and it really hurt us a lot. For long distance relationships you REALLY need good communication. I think my lack of presence over time made her feel alone, and it ultimately made her decide it was easy for herself to detach far away than to come back and do it. On top of that I already had a bad track record of not putting effort in anymore. So that didn't help me at all. She felt I was ignoring her and not putting in time to talk to her while she was away.

 

I won't be texting her now or at least not for awhile. I can tell she doesn't really want to talk, but im glad she is at least calm now and her hate seems to have fallen with me being nice, loving and apologetic.

 

I still don't know if she's with someone, and personally I think she isn't but said it to hurt me and push me away from her. But I don't think I care for that too much now. It was good that after this talk, I thought it would hurt, but it didn't really... It just made me realize it's going to be tough to move on, but that my chances are as slim as they can get. If she really is happier, well than I have no chance since our relationship pushed on later for her to make the effort. She's said she seen the change in me, but she doesn't know how to go back to feeling the way she felt.

 

Anyways that's how it is... I got more closure out of it. I learned much more out of it. I don't know if my sister will apologize since she believes she is right. But I really found I feel so much better after apologizing. Almost like a burden was lifted off me, like I got to be the better person to own up to my part of the mistake and learned from it.

 

Who knows what the future holds in place... I still feel I may not find someone like her who actually cared for me, and did many things for me that no one else in my life has done. But there is no going back now, and I just have to see where life goes from here on end... good or bad, I am riding alone on this journey for the next little while.

Edited October 8, 2012 by LostOne1

[Svet74]

my ex decided to talk crap about me to his friends and family. we attend the same church so they all see me there. this wasnt the first time. I felt so dis respected because i was nothing but nice. well i think he regrets it now, what he said. And frankly, i dont care if we ever speak again. Now im giving him the cold shoulder. Im feeling what your ex is feeling.

[LostOne1]

my ex decided to talk crap about me to his friends and family. we attend the same church so they all see me there. this wasnt the first time. I felt so dis respected because i was nothing but nice. well i think he regrets it now, what he said. And frankly, i dont care if we ever speak again. Now im giving him the cold shoulder. Im feeling what your ex is feeling.

thats how she seemed to come off as well....

 

it's sad, because had she not told me she was seeing someone else. I wouldn't have blown off that much, I still think she lied about it to get me to leave her a lone. She said she cared for me, but after the fight with my sis and me posting stuff she lost it all...

 

it sucks because it's almost like she will never talk to me again..

 

I guess there is no way to fix it? I mean I at least appologized and explained that it was all outta being hurt. That she has said lots of things to me as well when she was mad or hurt. So she should be able to understand what I was going through...

 

Would you have talked to the guy if he appologized to you and it was genuine and he seemed to be nice and a changed person.

 

I do know my ex seemed much more calm after, but I can tell she must still be hurting from it.

[Simon Phoenix]

thats how she seemed to come off as well....

 

it's sad, because had she not told me she was seeing someone else. I wouldn't have blown off that much, I still think she lied about it to get me to leave her a lone. She said she cared for me, but after the fight with my sis and me posting stuff she lost it all...

 

it sucks because it's almost like she will never talk to me again..

 

I guess there is no way to fix it? I mean I at least appologized and explained that it was all outta being hurt. That she has said lots of things to me as well when she was mad or hurt. So she should be able to understand what I was going through...

 

Would you have talked to the guy if he appologized to you and it was genuine and he seemed to be nice and a changed person.

 

I do know my ex seemed much more calm after, but I can tell she must still be hurting from it.

 

There's nothing to fix right now. You keep hopping into this rabbit hole and it seems like you keep coming out with more questions. I feel as if you are going to try some other method soon.

[suladas]

I was wondering how many people would reach out on thanksgiving or have their ex reach out. I was tempted to, but I realized i've already done it with no response and not going to bother doing it again. It's good to hear you got closure. I would like it, but about the only thing i'd say to my ex right now is go f**k yourself because of the way she's handled the BU. As far as doing things on the BU, yep you need to watch what you do, because it can really show true colors. My ex did nothing compared to what you did, but it changed how I seen her, and it would take a LOT to begin to fix it.

[suladas]

There's nothing to fix right now. You keep hopping into this rabbit hole and it seems like you keep coming out with more questions. I feel as if you are going to try some other method soon.

 

His post seemed to go back and forth from wanting closure to move on and wanting her back.

[Simon Phoenix]

His post seemed to go back and forth from wanting closure to move on and wanting her back.

 

Exactly. That's the problem. This latest interaction is going to prop up more questions and he's going to be tempted to try to reach out again and it's going to continue to keep stunting his progress if he continues to act on it. He emailed her a long message before doing this Thanksgiving thing that she hadn't responded to. I get why holidays bring out those feelings -- you're with loved ones and it's only natural to feel lonely and long for what you don't/once had -- but acting on it isn't good. I hope this will finally give him closure and he can move on, but I fear it's going to come up again.