Torn between husband and co-worker

[Tornaswell]

Moderator note: This posting was moved by moderation from another thread so as not to cause a threadjack. Continue the discussion here.

 

 

Torn- I feel like I'm reading my own story when I read yours! Yes, there are differences, but the bottom line is I'm torn between staying with my current H of 9 yrs (both our 2nd marriages), continuing my A with a co-worker and/or filing for divorce. This is the 2nd time I've strayed in 9 years. The first time was picking up where I left off with a MM I had an A with when I was married to my FIRST husband!! (I ended up leaving my 1st husband when MM chose to stay with his wife when we got caught). I do not regret that decision as I was in an emotional abusive/controlling marriage.

 

This time I was living 4 1/2 hours away but fell back in love with the same MM and tried leaving my new H for him. We went to counseling, I broke all ties with MM and things were off and on rocky, but relatively ok for the past 2 1/2 yrs.

 

I understand totally when you say about attraction. My current H and I met on a dating website. I had no physical attraction to him really..sex was awkward for years (and the cause of a lot of strife) until we both read the Five Love Languages. That seemed to click with both of us and we came to an agreement and like I said..things were going along smoothly. He is very good to me, treats me well, isn't very exciting, but I know he would never do anything to hurt me. We do fun things together and have lots of friends. We seem like the "it" couple. Except that I'm still not attracted to him. I just have accepted my life and was Ok with it. I can't say I was 100% happy, but I didn't feel unhappy either!

 

Then this married guy I work with came out of nowhere and started talking to me, flirting, telling me how he had a crush on me, etc. I RESISTED for weeks..I truly did..I kept telling him I was happily married. He would acknowledge that, but kept trying to woo me. He even went so far as to tell me he knew I would be his "gal" some day-that he just had a feeling I was missing something in my marriage and wasn't happy. He is a guy who gets what he wants..he's very driven and focused. I think I was his "prize" and he wasn't going to give up.

 

He has been married 26 years. Swears he never stepped out on his W before me. He explained that he was not in love with his wife and hadn't been for several years. He had love for her because of their kids, but was not IN love with her.

 

Long story short, we never totally consummated the A but we started meeting at lunch (in his car) and just talking and making out. It was only a matter of weeks before his W got suspicious and got into his FB and phone. She called my H and all hell broke out. We told our spouses we were leaving for each other (because by this time we had fallen in love). That lasted 2 days until he couldn't take the pressure of his kids and W begging him not to leave, so he texted me that he couldn't leave for me. I was devastated (thinking how freaking stupid AM I that I fell for the same thing 2x!). H was hurt and angry and told me no contact and if I did contact him, I was to come clean.

 

I couldn't stop contact with him. I emailed him as soon as I got to work that following Monday and told him how much he had hurt me. THEN I planned NC. But he wouldn't let it go...he told was backed into a corner and had to make a quick decision, but the bottom line was he still loved me and wanted to continue. I didn't want to (for the deception factor AND because I felt he wanted his cake and eat it too), but I was so head over heels I finally agreed to keep talking. We only met one time in 2 weeks though--I refused to see him as often and we were supposed to take it slow. I felt guilty - especially when H asked me if I had talked to him. MM and I planned to just keep on going until HE left his W, then I'd leave my H. Simple right?? Except that it was killing me inside to know I was still lying! I knew H would be devastated if he found out. That only lasted two more weeks before my H discovered an email I had sent MM this past Sunday..when we were away for a "reconciliation" weekend. OMG...it was soooo ugly!

 

We fought 3 days straight. I ended up going to stay with a friend on Wednesday to give us a break and for me to clear my head. H doesn't want a divorce, says he still loves me completely and wants to work things out. I feel like he's desperate...this is twice I've done this to him and he still wants me? Even after our terrible weekend of him finding out I was still in contact AND in love with MM, he wanted to have sex on Tuesday? That baffles me! He is hurting and I understand that. I also know his emotions are all over the place but some of the stuff he says and does makes me feel more like a slab of meat than a cherished wife!

 

On the other side of the coin I've asked MM to give me space and time to think too. It's not fair to ANYONE (especially me) to give either of them more time... He's pissed at me and said how can I go from saying I love him and want to be with him to now I don't want to talk to him! I know I probably don't "owe" him anything...he is the reason I messed up my marriage, but I feel torn. Now that I'm with my friend I could carry on as much as I wanted...which is exactly what my H predicted and is so afraid of. Part of me wants to prove him wrong and I KNOW what is truly right...which is NC! I even wrote MM an email and cc'd my H on it asking him to please leave me alone, then H wrote him a separate email a day later telling him about all my faults and affairs and asked him to leave me alone as well! Since we work together its very hard NOT to have interaction and/or just start IMing each other or picking up the phone. It's much too tempting!!

 

I have continued to make a mess out of my relationships. I have a counseling session scheduled. I've been reading a lot on line and feel I have attachment disorder...BUT I am still unsure if I haven't just married to the wrong man both times?? I'm so confused...I have some feelings of remorse, but not like I should. I don't really feel like reconciling with my H either...he said he'll let me go if I decide I want to divorce, but not to make any rash decisions right now. I'm not..but when I see him I feel nothing. When he hugs me or kisses me, there is nothing there. I feel relief that I'm not at the house with him anymore while he screams and carrys on and grills me for hours.

 

I know MM probably ISN'T the answer, but it takes all I have not to go right to his office and tell him I'm back in! :/

Edited September 21, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jnj express]

Your present H., does not deserve whst you are doing to him, and if you keep on the way you are, you just are keeping both of you in misery

 

Actually tween you, me, and the fencepost, your present H., is a fool, but I think you know that

 

You also must know, that your present AP, is never gonna leave his family, and you are just arm--candy, for him

 

The best thing you could do for yourself, is to get a D., and just date

 

Go out with all the guys, you want, and stay out of relationships----this way you can enjoy life, and you won't feel miserable about your life

 

If you are in/close to a big population center---there are plenty of guys out there for you to go out with, and nobody will care., what you do, and who you do it with, as long as you stay away from other MM.

[darkmoon]

treats me well, isn't very exciting, but I know he would never do anything to hurt me.

 

same person day in day out, expected to be exciting

that's hard to do, to be exciting all the time

how do you do it?

[whichwayisup]

Continue with counselling, work on you. Do your absolute best to keep away from (x)MM and maybe even consider leaving your husband, be on your own (trial separation) WITH the intention of NOT continuing the A. This time should be for you..To fix what is broken inside and be alone with no man to lean on. Then you can try (if you and your H are willing) to try to salvage things.

 

You're right, things are a mess and now four people are hurting badly.

 

Are there kids in this situation too?

[Sameold]

It is incredibly selfish of you to run around ruining not only your husband's life but the lifes of kids and someone's wife.

 

Marraige obviously means nothing to you so what's the point. You clearly have no moral compass that stops you from cheating. You should stay single, you clearly don't value important things in life.

 

You want excitement but by definition you consider lying, cheating and decieving to be exciting.

 

Just stop it you filthy animal, go to councelling and stop ruining lifes.

[MonsterMash]

Yep...husband treats her well and supports her financially, but she doesn't respect him cause he's good to her.

 

Other man comes along and uses her like a two dollar hooker and OMG...its LOVE!!!

 

Same story, different woman.

[Tornaswell]

I know I am wasting my time defending myself -- because you all think I'm nothing but low life trash, but I am educated, make good money (More than my H so he does not support me) and do not consider myself a two bit hooker. I DO know I have deep problems...and only two weeks ago discovered something called Attachment Disorder. I was adopted at 3 months old and am fairly sure this has played a HUGE role in my R's my entire life. I have seen counselor after counselor and NONE of them picked up on this. I'm shocked and saddened because I think I could have avoided a lot of EVERYONE's pain had someone realized this is what I had and worked on it with me.

 

Having said that, I did not go into this A willy nilly. I just re-read a bunch of emails going back and forth between MM and I and I fought tooth and nail against it. I PREDICTED what all would happen and everything came true. I didn't want to hurt my H...because he didn't deserve it. I should have gone to him when things started getting more intense with MM...I even thought about it several times, but by this point MM sort of had a hold on me and I just wasn't ready to come clean. It was like the more I leaned toward H, the more MM pushed. I was weak -- I am weak. I have low self-esteem. Everyone happy now??

 

Yes he has 2 teenage boys..they were his ONLY reason for not walking out when his W found out. It was HIS desire to keep things going after that. I refused...said I would be an idiot because he still wasn't leaving her. I was ready to accept he was staying with her and working on things for his children. I accused him of wanting his cake and eating it too. He said it wasn't like that, he was just trying to bide his time but still was working towards leaving. We are talking a period of 2 weeks, before my H found the email, so it wasn't like he was dragging his feet. He never got the chance to do anything.

 

H wants nothing more than for me to come back -- he wants to support me through counseling until I start to get to the bottom of my issues. Right now we can barely have a conversation without him telling me how messed up I am, how I ruined our marriage, how I deceived him when we met, questioning me about MM and the A, etc. He is going to his own counselor tomorrow which will be good for him. It doesn't change that I am not attracted to him though. Sure, I can stay with him and things will be ok. If I knew someone wasn't into me, I wouldn't want to be with them!! I know he says he loves me (even though he feels I deceived him when we met),but it doesn't make sense to me.

 

I too feel I should just get a D and live on my own and work through my issues before getting involved with ANY R. I don't want to repeat history. Sad thing is, I hate the thought of being alone...because I really haven't been except for about 6 months my entire life!

 

Your words were harsh...I figured you wouldn't pull any punches, but you seem to lump everyone into one category without fully knowing the background. I'm not saying what I did was right. Absolutely not! I knew it was /is wrong and have to live with the knowledge that I did it AGAIN... It's not a good feeling.

 

That's all. Thanks.

[underwater2010]

First of all, divorce your husband. You are treating him like trash!!! He has every right to throw the affair back in your face. You should consider yourself lucky that he still wants to stay married to you. Okay enough of that.

 

If you do not find him attractive and feel nothing for him, then he is not the one for you. But niether is the MM. You need some serious counseling. You need to spend time working on you. Also, take some time to live alone. It is your biggest fear, you need to overcome that.

 

Why would you even think to blame the fact that you were adopted? Did they abuse you? Neglect you? The thing about adoption is that you were picked, not just born into a family. That makes you special. How is your relationship with your parents?

[BetrayedH]

You're not attracted to your husband because you're comparing him to a fantasy affair. People in affairs do a lot of "re-writing of their marital history" to help justify the affair. Intimacy can be restored and there's a ton of stuff to look at it in order to do it. But you have to make a commitment to it and it takes effort (a lifetime, as a matter of fact). You H is smart enough to know that marriage isn't full of sunshine, sunflowers, rainbows and unicorns. Your concept of attraction will wane with anyone and if you don't learn to understand that true love matures and is ultimately about mutual respect and admiration, you'll repeat this process (dumping a perfectly good man) when your next relationship gets boring and another more attractive man is around the corner. Blame your H if you like for still loving his broken wife but it doesn't change the fact that you are the one that is broken.

[nofool4u]

Here is a quote from Johnny Depp which I believe to be spot on, and helps free your husband from you.

 

if you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

 

Bottom line, your husband deserves to move on and find happiness. He deserves better.

[lordmayhem]

You should send a link to your betrayed husband to this place so he can get advice. He deserves better than to be a cuckold.

[ThatJustHappened]

I know I am wasting my time defending myself -- because you all think I'm nothing but low life trash, but I am educated, make good money (More than my H so he does not support me) and do not consider myself a two bit hooker. I DO know I have deep problems...and only two weeks ago discovered something called Attachment Disorder. I was adopted at 3 months old and am fairly sure this has played a HUGE role in my R's my entire life. I have seen counselor after counselor and NONE of them picked up on this. I'm shocked and saddened because I think I could have avoided a lot of EVERYONE's pain had someone realized this is what I had and worked on it with me.

 

Having said that, I did not go into this A willy nilly. I just re-read a bunch of emails going back and forth between MM and I and I fought tooth and nail against it. I PREDICTED what all would happen and everything came true. I didn't want to hurt my H...because he didn't deserve it. I should have gone to him when things started getting more intense with MM...I even thought about it several times, but by this point MM sort of had a hold on me and I just wasn't ready to come clean. It was like the more I leaned toward H, the more MM pushed. I was weak -- I am weak. I have low self-esteem. Everyone happy now??

 

Yes he has 2 teenage boys..they were his ONLY reason for not walking out when his W found out. It was HIS desire to keep things going after that. I refused...said I would be an idiot because he still wasn't leaving her. I was ready to accept he was staying with her and working on things for his children. I accused him of wanting his cake and eating it too. He said it wasn't like that, he was just trying to bide his time but still was working towards leaving. We are talking a period of 2 weeks, before my H found the email, so it wasn't like he was dragging his feet. He never got the chance to do anything.

 

H wants nothing more than for me to come back -- he wants to support me through counseling until I start to get to the bottom of my issues. Right now we can barely have a conversation without him telling me how messed up I am, how I ruined our marriage, how I deceived him when we met, questioning me about MM and the A, etc. He is going to his own counselor tomorrow which will be good for him. It doesn't change that I am not attracted to him though. Sure, I can stay with him and things will be ok. If I knew someone wasn't into me, I wouldn't want to be with them!! I know he says he loves me (even though he feels I deceived him when we met),but it doesn't make sense to me.

 

I too feel I should just get a D and live on my own and work through my issues before getting involved with ANY R. I don't want to repeat history. Sad thing is, I hate the thought of being alone...because I really haven't been except for about 6 months my entire life!

 

Your words were harsh...I figured you wouldn't pull any punches, but you seem to lump everyone into one category without fully knowing the background. I'm not saying what I did was right. Absolutely not! I knew it was /is wrong and have to live with the knowledge that I did it AGAIN... It's not a good feeling.

 

That's all. Thanks.

 

What does your salary have to do with anything you've said here? Just curious.

[karnak]

Here is a quote from Johnny Depp which I believe to be spot on, and helps free your husband from you.

 

 

 

Bottom line, your husband deserves to move on and find happiness. He deserves better.

 

So very true.

[road]

......I am wasting my time defending myself ..........I did not go into this A willy nilly. I just re-read a bunch of emails going back and forth between MM and I and I fought tooth and nail against it. I PREDICTED what all would happen and everything came true. ............. I was weak -- I am weak.

 

 

H wants nothing more than for me to come back -- he wants to support me through counseling until I start to get to the bottom of my issues. Right now we can barely have a conversation without him telling me how messed up I am, how I ruined our marriage, how I deceived him when we met, questioning me about MM and the A, etc.

 

I knew it was /is wrong and have to live with the knowledge that I did it AGAIN... It's not a good feeling.

 

That's all. Thanks.

 

Willy nilly, hog wash, darn tootin.

 

The OM courted you, you like it, you want it because you never stopped it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Then this married guy I work with came out of nowhere and started talking to me, flirting, telling me how he had a crush on me, etc. I RESISTED for weeks..I truly did..I kept telling him I was happily married. He would acknowledge that, but kept trying to woo me. He even went so far as to tell me he knew I would be his "gal" some day-that he just had a feeling I was missing something in my marriage and wasn't happy. He is a guy who gets what he wants..he's very driven and focused. I think I was his "prize" and he wasn't going to give up.

 

He has been married 26 years. Swears he never stepped out on his W before me. He explained that he was not in love with his wife and hadn't been for several years. He had love for her because of their kids, but was not IN love with her.

 

The above POS is a predator, not a bit of truth to what he says, he has you marked as his next sexual conquest. And I think you knew it at the time.

 

It is emotionally abusive and he is trying to control you, by getting you to be his cum dump.

 

This is the third time you have picked Curtain #3 with the emotionally abusive and controlling man behind it.

 

I would stick it out with your current husband and get some serious IC help. And find out why you like men who emotionally abuse and control you. If not you will continually pick Curtain #3, for the rest of your life.

[Plan 9 from OS]

I know I am wasting my time defending myself -- because you all think I'm nothing but low life trash, but I am educated, make good money (More than my H so he does not support me) and do not consider myself a two bit hooker. I DO know I have deep problems...and only two weeks ago discovered something called Attachment Disorder. I was adopted at 3 months old and am fairly sure this has played a HUGE role in my R's my entire life. I have seen counselor after counselor and NONE of them picked up on this. I'm shocked and saddened because I think I could have avoided a lot of EVERYONE's pain had someone realized this is what I had and worked on it with me.

 

 

OP, I am not a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist, but IMO this "diagnosis" is pure garbage. You were adopted at 3 months old and that affected every relationship you ever had? C'mon, you really buy this? I bet deep down you know this is garbage... I only recently started reading this thread, but there is clearly some other smoking gun that has caused this. The smoking gun may be nothing more than you simply married someone that you never truly loved and you did not have enough respect for your husband to divorce him because you did not love him.