Fiance won't talk to me

[drinana]

Hi guys... First off I want to see that I really feel for all of you out there.. This love things sucks so bad.

 

My current situation: I have been with my guy for over 9 years (started dating in high school). We have had our share of ups and downs just like everyone else. The last three years have been long distance. First he was away at college and I stayed home. We were doing ok until a little before he came home.. He said that he needed a break and so I gave it to him. We didn't really speak for a month but when I saw him again things were ok.. According to him he just got scared at the idea of coming home, graduating, getting a job, etc...

 

In Jan. he told me that he had a great job opportunity on the east coast and if he should go. Well although my heart was breaking I felt that I couldn't stand in the way of this opporunity. So he set his date to leave as March 1st. Well in Feb. he proposed. He said that he wanted to let me know that he would come back for me. Of course I said yes and we both prepared ourselves for our next round of long distance.

 

Ok so for the last month he has been kind of distant. I thought that maybe he was stressed, homesick, etc.. Well last weekend his parents threw us a engagement party. That night he just broke down and started saying that maybe the proposal wasn't for the right reasons.. That maybe we were holding onto the past, that he loves me but that I deserve better, etc.. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It seemed like we had travelled back in time to our last break.

 

So here I am. A week has gone by and I haven't talked to him.. The only way for me to contact him is via his cell-phone and it's broken. I just don't know what to do. I am just so tired of trying to love someone that makes things so difficult. At this point I don't know where we stand. Am I still engaged? Do I even still have him in my life? Ugh.. His own mother has even said that he doesn't deserve me. I truly love him but when is enough enough????

 

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. My friends and family (and his family) are all very supportive but sometimes it feels that only people who are going through what you're going through can understand. Any advice would really be appreciated...

 

Wishing you all the best...

 

P.S. - I am reading this AWESOME book right now.. I recommend it to all the girls out there (it's kind of more written for women... It's called "After the breakup" by: Angela Watrous and Carole Honeychurch...

[lostindeed]

maybe you guys are holding on to the past, and it would be better to be with someone who loves you and actually cherishes you. The whole long distance relationship does not work out all the time but then again nine years is a hell of a long time to be with someone and thats prolly the holding on to the past thing comes into play. Just do what you need to do to get thru this dramatic and often hard time. Let him come and meet you half way if he wants to take you seriously

[SMF]

Gosh what a rough situation. I feel for you. That feeling of uncertainty is terrible.

 

Is there a way that you can see him? Does his mother have contact with him?

Perhaps you can get a hold of him that way so you can iron this situation out.

 

The feeling of limbo is awful. My suggestion to you is to re-evaluate if you want to be with someone like this. Someone that panics and feels that things aren't right at your own engagement party is highly likely to not show up at your wedding.

 

I suggest having a conversation, but you stay strong and think about if you want to be with someone that doesn't know if they want to be with you.

[drinana]

HI lostindeed, thanks for your response... I never thought of our relationship as us "holding onto the past". We have had (although it might not sound like it) more good times than bad..I just don't see how it's holding onto the past, or maybe I just don't wanna see it??

 

Before this last visit, I saw him at the beginning of June. We went to a wedding and things were great between us. We kept talking about how this would be us next year (getting married) and of how happy we were.. This last weeked when he was home we spent time together.. Went to the beach, out to lunch, etc.

 

I am just so shocked at what is happening. I mean his plans are to come home next month. How is it that we can't make it one more month after 3 years??? I wonder if this has to do with his "freak out" just like last time? Last time he was scared about graduating and facing real life... This time he's coming home because work didn't pan out the way he had hoped... I cant help but wonder if he's dealing with issues of failrure, stress??? He's not only distanced himself from me but from his family also.... And on top of it, I wonder if the whole engagement party just put him over the edge?? I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but I can't help but wonder....

[drinana]

Hi SMF.... Thank you for your advice...

 

I have talked to his mom.. She is actually one of my best friends.. Last time we had a "break" she helped us out. This time she said that she can't and won't be involved.. that we need to figure this out on our own (which I can understand.. )

 

She has told me to keep calling him until I get through.. I actually called him yesterday and left a message saying that we needed to talk and that he can't ignore me, etc... He called me back 3 times, but unfortunately I missed each his calls (I was running around - didn't hear my phone)... I tried calling back today, but his phone goes straight to VM... My friends seem to think that if he did plan to end things he wouldn't have called 3 times. That he does want to talk things out.. I'd like to think that but I'm not holding my breath..

 

I hate this feeling of not knowing what he's thinking. I keep going from anger to sadness and back again. I can't understand how just last weekend he was here with me, telling me that he loved me, and that now he's doing this... I am starting to feel like he really truly doesn't deserve me. I am in anger mode... But I am afraid to call and tell him that it's over without really knowing what's going on in his head...

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana

 

I just read ur post and what he has done to u is not right at all to play with ur emotions and all. My only advice to u is to move on as hard as that is. I am trying to move on myself after a real long realtions ship. For u see if u cant be sure that he wants to be with u then u should not wait for him to make that choice for what will happen in 10 years when u are married and have kids and he decideds then that he is not sure what he wants. Love is a funny thing. It make a human animal and a animal human. U sound like a very intelligent and smart and attractive person the last thing u want to do is wait or settle for anything. U do not deserve to have this done to u. Keep ur head up and u will get throught this. My advice is dont not ask his family for help for no matter what blood is always thicker then water and his mother will tell u what u want to hear. Also by talking to his mother u are giving him controll of ur emotions. Dont let him do that. be strong.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

Thanks for your advice...

 

Well I finally heard from him yesterday... I asked so what's going on and he said, "I don't think we should do this anymore".. I responded with, "You know what, I was thinking the same thing". I don't know what got into me but I went on for 1/2 hour about how I was tired of trying to earn his love, how I deserved better, how I was sick of him breaking my heart.. I told him that I wouldn't miss this but that I was going to miss what I thought this could have been.. I ended by saying, "I wish you the best in all you do and whoever you end up with. Please learn to talk to people about your feelings cause otherwise the next time someone tries to give you their heart it's not gonna work and you're gonna miss out on something great just like you're doing right now". At this point he was sobbing and I ended it with Goodbye ... He could barely get out the words bye..

 

His mom and I talked and we agreed that things between us cannot continue the way they were before. I can't go over for dinner, we can't go shopping, at least not now. She told me that if he asks about me she's not gonna give him any info. and same for me. She wants us to move on with our lives.. I will miss his family very very much, but you're right.. blood is thicker than water..

 

I am heart-broken because I will miss the guy I thought he was.. Or maybe the one I wanted him to be. But everyone is right, he's not the one for me. I do deserve better.. I am just gonna keep telling myself that for the next few days/weeks/months, etc.. I know that things will be ok and I'm actually excited of what and who is in my future..

 

I wish you the best dealing with your heart-break. I know it's hard but we will both get through it and at some point find our happily ever after... :-)

[manofmystrey]

Hey drinana

 

I am glad that u told him what was on ur mind. I understand it does hurt and for anyone to say it wont does not know anything. But I can tell u this u are better off without the guy. And he is missing on something good. U sound like u are a great person and any guy would be lucky to have u in their life and if this guy cant see that well then its his loss.

 

U are smart by cutting all strings with his family for every time u see them u will think of them or u will be temepted to talk about him and if u hang out with his mother u will not give ur self the chance to heal.

 

U dont want to be in a situtation where he then makes his mother pick one day between him and u and then u will be hurt again as u will lose a friend. And u dont want that to effect u either. Also by staying friends with his mother u will still feel obligated to him in some way and u wont allow urself to truely be free. Take it from me, my exs mother and i were close she was like a second mother to me.

 

But when push came to shove she to hurt me by lying to me and that hurt me again all over.

 

Just remember there are people to listen to ur pain.

 

If u ever need to talk or to get things off ur mind u can always hit me up.

 

That I am always listeing. By talking u feel better and i have learnt that. Just by the few posts today i feel much better about me and getting all this off my mind.

 

U just need time and friends and u will get through this, at least u are not alone that way.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

Thanks for your post...

 

I told his parents today that I just needed to cut all ties to them for now.. I needed time to be me, get my life back together. They totally understand and just hope that someday we can be friends. I will miss them but this is for the best...

 

I can't help but wonder why I haven't cried about this more.. I mean I have tried to cry and sometimes I will but it will last about 2 min. Part of me thinks that maybe I just haven't realized that things are over (since he lives far away).. The other part thinks that maybe I just finally opened my eyes and realized that he was not the right person for me.. I really hope that it's the second one because I don't wanna have this hit me all of the sudden (if it hasn't already) next month when I"m about to start my last year of grad. school...

 

Sounds like you're doing pretty good.. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since things ended? and how long were you together???

 

Thanks again for all your support... It's really nice to know I have someone to talk to who can relate...

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana....

 

I am glad that u are taking the steps to help urself. As for the not cring part that is a good thing in many ways cause that is a sign that u are starting to see that u are better off. I am guessing the reason u dont cry is cause the person u fell in love with is not the person u ended the relationship with.

 

And never try to make urself cry for then u are not being fair to yourself. Your mind and heart need to heal themselves. U cant force the issue for then u are not allowing urself to let go.

 

In my case we were together for 7 years and engaged for 2 years. It ended about 6-7 months ago. But she was with the other guy from about the time we got engaged. I had know her since we were in the 4th grade.

 

At first i was in the same boat as u. I tried to make myslef cry but then i realized that the only way for me to do that was to think of her and that was not the way to forget her. I then started to think about all the things that i gave up for her like school.

 

I wanted to become a lawyer more then anything but when she wanted to go med school she could not pay for it so i had to work two jobs to help her and i gave up my education for her.

 

I wanted to travel and see the world but i never got to do that eitherr so i decided that i was going to go back to school and finish my undergrad and get to law school. That helped me alot.

 

The other thing that will help u is if u are in a big city to try new things u have never done before. The other thing is to make new friends that can help u get over things or by introducing u to new things.

 

But u did the right thing by telling his parents that for now u need time for u.

 

And i am always here to lend a ear if u need one.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

I have been really thinking about what you said about him not being the person I fell in love with and you're so right.. I think the times I do cry, is because I miss that other person. This time when he came home he was so different, he acted different, even looked different.. I don't know if it was stress, sadness, guilt (maybe there's someone else).. who knows.. I guess at this point it doesn't really matter.. What's done is done..

 

I'm sorry about what you had to go through.. I can't believe that someone is capable of doing those kind of things to someone they supposedly love.. How can people be so mean and deceitful??? It sounds like even though you had to suffer through something so horrible, you are coming out with your head up. You keep giving me some great info that has really made me think. I'm sure that someday (if not already) your ex will realize what a great guy she passed up.. I look back on my relationship and at first I regretted some of the things I had done for my ex, but now I realize that I can leave this relationship knowing that I was a good, honest, giving person. That's not a flaw.. That is just something that someone will someday truly appreciate not just take for granted like our ex's..

 

Talk to you later!! :-)

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana....

 

 

I am glad to hear that you are starting to see that you are way to good of a person to have to put up with someone who does not appreciate or respect you. You have alot to offer someone special.

 

I am very happy for you in the sense that you are seeing that maybe the person you miss is not the person that you left. I mean you gave it a great effort and he was not willing to do the same. his loss.

 

In my case i feel the same as you I could not imagine in my worst nightmares that people can be like her or the way she is. In the end all I can do is be proud of what i put into the relationship.

 

You should be very proud of yout efforts as well. Your ex will one day see that what he has done is a big mistake and by then you will have moved on to bigger and better things.

 

You should never regret anything you have done for your ex for two reasons.

 

1. Giving can only be done by those with good pure hearts and you have one.

2. What ever you have done for him will be something he always has to remember and when he gets a new woman in his life who will do nothing for him he will think of you and that will be the biggest punishment for him for he had a great thing and he let it go.

 

Why are people so silly? Why is that when they have something good they take it for granted.

 

Talk to you later and I hope that you have a good-night.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

How are you doing???

 

I'm having an ok day.. Kind of up and down.. I had a dream about him last night which made it hard to sleep.. This morning I was doing ok and now I miss him so much.. Everyone said that it's a roller coaster and that you feel all these emotions, but ugh.. I wish I didn't have to.. I feel like I've already given him so much why should I continue to let myself feel for him... It's not fair.. Oh well... I guess the only thing that makes me feel better is thinking that he is also miserable (yeah I know that's mean).. But I hope that he misses me and that he wonders what I'm doing..

 

I had another question for you.. How long did it take you before you were able to date again??? And where did you go to meet people??

 

Oh yeah and did I ever tell you that my ex lives in Virginia???........

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana

 

U are going through a hard time right now and there is no dening that. the emotions are going to tug u all over the place. But u have to be strong. The reason i think u dreamed about him is that deep down inside u want to hold onto the guy that u meet when u guys first got together. That is very normal.

 

And dont worry about hoping he is misreable cause that is natural. For the first few months I wanted my ex to get crabs or something like that cause i had so much anger but then i looked at from this point hoping for bad or good onto her is no healthy cause i was thinking about her which is what i did not want to do.

 

So i tired different things like going to a museum I had never been to one and it was amazing cause when ever i found myself thinking for her i thought about the painting i saw and what the artists where tring to show. That helped alot.

 

For me it took some time but the honest truth is that where i live its not easy to meet people cause its a small town whcih I cant wait to get out of cause i wanna travel and go places where i have never been. I like cities.

 

But when i went to toronto I went to bowling allies with my buddies and met some nice people there other places i met nice people where the library and singles parties.

 

But one thing that was really helpfull to a buddy of mine was that he took a trip on a singles cruise. He said he met some great people all single and made some really good friends. he said the best thing about that was that everyone on the ship was all single so he did not feel out of place. But he did tell me that it was good that a perosn from work went with him cause he was more confident having someone there for him and also he got to travel to europe.

 

That is something that i have thought about doing but i dont really know any one who would want to do that as most of my friends are married or dating.

 

 

U are in calfornia, may i ask what city I am sure that there must be a singles scene. Also a great palce to meet people is on the net. i have a few friends that found love on the net.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

So yesterday I was super strong and I felt like the whole world was open to me.. I was so excited about getting to meet new people and concentrate on me.. Then last night on my way home I finally cracked. I just cried and cried and kept asking myself why my ex did this to me.. Why the one person I would do anything for, could hurt me so bad. (I bet you asked yourself that millions of times) Instead of trying not to make myself cry I just went with it.. I don't know if I feel better today or worse, but at least I got that out of my system...

I have been super busy going shopping, to the movies, to my friends houses, etc... I guess I never realized how good of friends I actually have. They have all gone out of their way to be with me, to call me constantly, etc.. On days where I just don't wanna do anything, they have come and dragged my butt out... I know that my friends can't fill that space that my ex has left, but they are at least helping me to deal with it..

 

Oh, by the way, I live in San Jose, CA.... The singles scene out here isn't that great....

 

So how are you doing???

[Mr Spock]

First of all congrats on being such a strong person, that you KNOW what you deserve and you can recognize when someone isn't giving it to you. I think, in your own mind, that you were already aware of what was coming. That the actual event was more of a relief because you weren't agonizing over uncertanty(sic) of your current relationship. It hurts. But at least you aren't putting yourself through torture anymore. And you have cool friends!! This will help you. You're on the right track. For me, it didn't take very long after any of my relationships to "date" again-I'm pretty resiliant, and you seem to be too. When's the next time you're having a night out with your friends? Practice flirting.

[drinana]

Hey Mr. Spock,

 

Thanks for your post.. It makes me feel really good (and certain that I made the right decision) when people confirm what I have been feeling. I mean I love my ex and always will, but I know that he will never be exactly the man that I want to spend my life with.. It hurts to realize that but better now that we're not married or have kids, etc.. I am really trying to be strong.. I have been through this before with him so I guess I am pretty much all cried out.. You can only take so much from someone before your heart says no more...

 

I totally agree with what you said about me knowing that this was coming.. Things between him and I had just been weird the last month or two.. I guess I was just gonna wait it out just like I have in the past but I'm so glad that I didn't.. I'm glad that this all happened at this point in my life where I am strong enough to know that I can make it through...

 

I am actually going to go out with my friends tonight.. It's girls night.. We are all gonna get dressed up and go out dancing.. Wish me luck!!!

 

Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.. :-)

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana

 

I am glad that u are being strong that is the best thing u can do.

AS for crying its good that u got it out naturally as long as it is not something that u dont force out.

 

I am glad that u have some great friends that are being very supportive. I wish i had that at this time in my life but being in a new city and state its hard. I live in roanoke and there is no secnce here for singles. It sucks.....

 

Also i am glad that u are getting all dressed up and hitting the town.

 

Mr. spock is right while out practice flirting.

 

I hope that u have a great time.

 

And remember u are doing great.

 

Love is like life, we have many ups and downs in life and we dont stop living and love is the same manu ups and downs so lets not stop loving.

 

How was ur weekend? Hope u had fun....

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

This weekend was ok.. Went to see a movie on Friday.. Went out to a few clubs on Sat... When I was getting ready to go out I actually felt a little guilty about getting dressed up.. Wonder why I felt that way?. I guess it's just the fact that I can go out and talk to whoever I want.. Who knows...

The clubs were ok.. I just sat there looking around and thinking, "there is no one here that I would even consider talking to".. I don't think I was comparing to my ex, but maybe I was.. Again, I don't know..

 

I did ok the rest of the weekend.. Kept myself busy.. Went shopping with my mom even though I didn't feel like it.. Then last night I had dream with him in it.. Ugh, it seemed so real.. and in my dream he was so sweet, he was the guy I fell in love with.. When I woke up I had to remember that it was just a dream and that he is no longer in my life.. It was really hard..

 

It's been 2 weeks since I last saw him and 8 days since we last talked.. When is this gonna start getting easier??? :-(

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana

 

I am glad that u went out and did things like getting dressed and going to the club i bet u looked the best......

 

Seeing a movie was good as well what u see? Hope it was good. The dreams part is natruall but it was more then likely cause it is something that u miss. U cant controll that. I still have dreams about my ex but they are not as much as they once used to be.

 

I miss her but I miss who she was when we got together i dont miss who she became or who she is now.

 

Shopping with ur mom was also good cause u can connect more with ur family and at this time it is a good thing.

 

While at the club u prbabbly had guys all over the place wanting to talk to u.

 

in the end all u can do is take it when u are ready. dont force urself to do anything u are not ready for. U are counting the days now but in time u will forget about that as well. Cause the pain is still fresh.

 

Take ur time, take it for urself. U deserve it. I have an idea why not go to a salon and get urself a message and get ur hair done and just treat urself to something special. U will feel great.

 

I hope u are taking care of urself.

 

And it will get eaiser when u least expect it.

 

Talk to u soon.

[drinana]

Hey manofmystrey:

 

So Sat. night was ok.. I haven't been out in a while so it was kind of weird.. I felt out of place.. I think I need to go out to some other cities though, cause SJ sucks..

 

Oh, by the way I went to see the Bourne Supremacy.. It was pretty good.. :-)

 

I have been keeping myself so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and really analyze how I feel about the whole situation. Everyone says that I'm being so strong but I really want to just sit down and figure out if that it truly how I feel or if I'm just pushing aside my feelings (not wanting to deal with them.) I am hoping to do that soon, but again I have just been so busy.. Yesterday I went for a long walk with my friend and then we got a pizza and watched TV.. Tonight I'm going to see another movie.. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend for dinner.

 

I love and appreciate everyone in my life but I almost just want some time for me.. More than just my drive to and from work.. I want to sit down and write a goodbye letter to my ex (which I won't give to him).. but just to get out all the extra feelings that I have.. I'm hoping that once I do that, I can start to really begin the healing process..

 

Oh and the massage is a great idea!!!!! I think I'm gonna use the money we have in our joint acct. to do that!!! (I know that's so bad!! :-)

 

So how are you??? How have you been feeling lately.. Hey, you can always send me a private message if you don't wanna keep writing through here..

 

Talk to you later.. :-)

[manofmystrey]

hey drinana

 

I sent u a message but i forgot to say that it is very important that u take time for urself when u are ready for it. Thats what i am doing right now and i feel great. I have never had my head more clear then it is right now.

 

At this time u just want to let things happen naturally dont worry about anything other then u. U spent many years worrying about others.

 

And u have started the healing process by taking the steps to talk about all this.

 

And same goes for u in terms of the private messaging if u dont want to keep going through here.

 

Take care.