codeword Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Any advice appreciated. I met a girl while on holiday in October last year. I lived in the UK and she lived on mainland europe. Our relationship has been great, magical in fact and she agrees. We saw eachother every month to start with and then in March this year I moved to a different european country to start a business. We then started seeing eachother every 2 weeks. However, due to stresses of the business, we argued a lot more about silly things and she was over sensitive to this and it always made her upset. This week she told me that her feelings of sadness in our relationship had built up over the last 2 months and she needs time and space to appreciate what we have and see if things can really change in the future. She used to talk about marriage and kids (already, i know - early into the relationship!) and was getting frustrated that i wasn't moving to her city like i always said i would. Now she's breaking up, I asked her if i can come to her city for a few days because things have always been good when we're together and she told me it would make things worse because she needs to be fine with herself before she can be fine with me. I have tried to keep NC but it's difficult when I know our relationship was so magical. I have spoken to my business partner and he has told me to move to her city. To arrive and show her that I have put her as a priority over the company and i'm ready to prove to her that i'm willing to change all the things that made her feel upset. Is this a good idea or not? I do love the city so would feel happy there anyway, but am I going to make the chances of getting back together worse by appearing when she said she needs time alone, or will it be better by the big gesture showing her that I value her more than the company? She has agreed to come to the UK on 6 October but we both agreed this was too far away to wait. She also said she thinks we will get our chance to work things out but she needs time to consider if i can really change things for her. Advice please? Much appreciated
Author codeword Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 So tonight she came home and we spoke on skype. She left the video chat on so we could sleep with eachother on the screen. I also told her that i was thinking of moving and she didn't comment back. I'm lost about this situation. She keeps telling me that she doesn't feel like things got bad or anything like that. I have no idea what she's feeling and what she tells me makes no sense.
esstea Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I think you two need to have an upfront serious conversation about how you feel. You need to ask her how she feels because moving is not a small decision, especially if it's tied in with your future career. Tell her how you fee before you move. That she's a priority, and that you want to make it work with her. Once you know her answer then you'll know your next move.
Author codeword Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I have tried but whenever I ask her how she feels she doesn't give me proper answers that I can assess anything with. Also when I ask her how she feels about the relationship she tells me "it's too early". I fear that by maintaining no contact, she will forget what it's like when we're together which is always so good, and she will only think of the tiny bad things she has been dwelling on.
LostOne1 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I have tried but whenever I ask her how she feels she doesn't give me proper answers that I can assess anything with. Also when I ask her how she feels about the relationship she tells me "it's too early". I fear that by maintaining no contact, she will forget what it's like when we're together which is always so good, and she will only think of the tiny bad things she has been dwelling on. since im new to NC myself, I can't say much. But from what I can understand from others is that NC will allow her to remember and feel what it feels like without you in her life. And if she really wants you, then she will make the extra step and push to get you back or hint that she wants you. For me it's 1 month and NC has helped me heal, but not get me my ex back.
TopCat22 Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I really wouldn't move. Don't change your life to be with her if she's not 100% committed. There is nothing you can do or say to influence her here. Let her have the time and space she needs and let her figure out how she feels. No good will come of moving, you're setting yourself up for a big fall.
Author codeword Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I'm still not clear in my mind about what to do. I would like to add that I need to move to a new city now anyway and it won't affect my company due to the nature of the industry. I have always liked the city she lives in and would be happy moving there regardless, but I don't want to ruin any chances
Author codeword Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Last night she sent me messages throughout the night when she knew I was out. Including a message at 5.30am saying she couldn't sleep. I know her well enough to know that she is missing me, which is the reason for the messages. I didn't reply to any of the messages. Really getting confused by this, I've now got over the initial sadness enough to be able to get on happily with my life, I have 2 dates on Wednesday with girls I had been seeing before I met her, so I think I am coping ok, but I know she is the one I want to be with and if she's missing me this much maybe I should make some sort of move rather than giving her more time. Confusion!
Calico Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 But from what I can understand from others is that NC will allow her to remember and feel what it feels like without you in her life. No, no. NC is for you to heal and move forward. It's not a strategic move to make your ex do or feel anything, or to make her come back. That may happen, but if you go NC for that reason, you will hurt.
Author codeword Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I just spoke to her very calmly, from the heart. I told her that if she wants this to work, and feels she loves me and wants to give me us a chance, I will move to her city. I asked her things like "is part of you excited by the opportunity for us?" "are you scared that if you let me leave your life, you may lose a big opportunity to be happy?" she answered yes to these and similar questions. She joked around with me and seemed genuinely happy. She said she needs to decide because she feels a big responsibility if I do this. I said it wasn't a responsibility because i can just move somewhere else, it isn't a problem for me. She agreed that if she's sad, which she is now, she needs me and that she misses my affection. So the ball is in her court (again), but I'm feeling positive. Fingers crossed. Lesson to be learnt for anyone else - get over your emotions, write down what you feel and what went wrong, really feel at one with yourself. Then find a solution. After this, be completely calm and at peace with yourself, accept any outcome that may happen and know that if it isn't what you want to hear, you wont act upset or angry and you won't feel sad because you will know you did everything you possibly could have done. No begging, no emotional guilt, just speaking from the heart and being rational and practical. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Now that's romantic
Author codeword Posted October 29, 2012 Author Posted October 29, 2012 OK so here is the latest situation now, as it is getting complicated for me. I am moving to her city in one week. I spent 1 week with her in my city and 1 week with her in her city, with one week in between apart. When we are together she is fine. When we are apart she hardly speaks to me and acts strange. She is constantly on whatsapp all day but doesn't reply to my messages really and doesn't talk to me how she used to. I don't know if I should stop chasing her now to show her that she can't walk all over me knowing that I'll be there, and show her that she can still lose me (which she doesn't want to do, she said) and to show her she needs to treat me better and more like she loves me. Or alternatively, do I continue and try to show her how much she loved talking to me etc. by talking and being good with her? Dilemma! I know she is messaging some guys, and it's making me paranoid.
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