Author wanting more Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Black hole the S.O.B. and learn to be your own best friend. I promise (and I KNOW it seems unbelievable now)--that one day, you'll find he no longer has the power to push your buttons, or cause you any more pain. Thanks. I really can't wait for that day
Author wanting more Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Yes, you are correct I won't send them, I'd just like to know he knows how he's made me feel. And thanks for the comments about my posts now compared to when I 1st started. I know it'll be a long road but I do feel now at least I'm not going backwards on the road.
Author wanting more Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 Its just really hard for me to understand or accept how much of a manipulator he really is. 3 months ago I would've said I've got a good man who loves me and respects me and treats me sooo good, he's just stuck in his M because of his kids. And I really believed that. I mean obviously I knew he was M and I was asking for trouble by staying involved but I really believed him. I know I need to get over the feeling of wanting him to know he hurt me because it doesn't matter. I know even if he called me tomorrow and said he's sorry, what would they really do for me??? NOTHING. But once again I want to say thank you, I know I'm probably rambling here but it does makes think clearer, even if only for a little bit
seren Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Wanting more, the one common denominator we nearly all feel, is that we believe we are in love with a good person and that we are loved. For me, that is the saddest thing of all about A's, that none of us really, really knows until D Day, then at least one person will be left hurting for believing in love. xx 1
twinsmom Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Wanting More, I've told my story here many times before, but I'll repeat it again for you. I, too, had a 3+ years relationship with MM. We also talked on the phone/e-mailed daily. (Except on weekends, like you mentioned. Boy, that was hard, wasn't it? Knowing he was at home and just couldn't have any contact with you because of that. And don't even get me started on holidays..) Anyway, after 3 1/2 years, he up and moved with his family some 2800 miles away, without even telling me that he was going to do so. A couple of months before he left, he just began not even answering my e-mails anymore. He had left his job a couple of months before that, so he no longer had his company cell phone to contact him on, and if he got a personal cell phone in that time, I had no way of knowing about it, because he had ceased contacting me or anwering my e-mails. How did I know he moved? I drove past his house and saw a For Sale sign in the yard. That was the most crushing feeling that my heart had ever endured. I became almost obsessive about finding/contacting him, and I'm not usually that kind of person. The way he left was just unacceptable to me. Anyway, after three more years of sporadic back-and-forth messaging, none that even meant anything other than to convince me of his serious passive-aggressive personality, and lack of remorse for the acute pain that he had caused me, I was finally at peace. After YEARS of thinking about him almost every waking moment, I now find myself nearing the end of the day without him invading my thoughts. Yes, I still think about him a time or two every day, but sometimes it's almost nighttime when I do, and it's a far cry from when I couldn't go five minutes without thinking about him and mourning our relationship. And do you know what I do when I realize I haven't thought about him all day? I get the biggest grin on my face, and I high-five myself in the air, because I am so happy and relieved to be over him!!! It's the most liberating feeling I've ever had! One other litte tidbit. As I've had time to reflect on the relationship over the last 5 years, I've realized that I don't think we could have even made it as a couple anyway. When I was in the emotional throes of the relationship, he seemed perfect in every way. After it ended, little by little, the blinders came off, and I saw that he and I would have never been compatible, and that doesn't even have anything to do with his infidelity. When the relationship was ongoing, someone would occasionally post something here about a phenomenon known as Limerence, and I would totally scoff at that idea. Now I truly believe that that is what i was experiencing in that relationship. Give it a read: Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Wow, sorry to have taken so long to get to my point. But it seems like every time I write it out yet again, it is therapeutic for me. Best of luck to you, and take care of YOU... 3
twinsmom Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Wow..I have to say that I just reread the characteristics of Limerence, and yeah, that was so me..It may not apply to your situation, but it sure opened my eyes AGAIN.
LaCurieuse Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 It has been so eye-opening for me to become a member of LS and to read all of your stories, daily. I am amazed at how bright and deep so many of you are. Finding you has helped me see my situation for what it really is; it has allowed me to better understand how a BS can feel; and it has given me strength to continue on in NC mode. Reading all of you is a reminder of how deeply insightful women can be. Wanting, I am holding your virtual hand as we both go through this difficult period. Working through it together makes the pain so much more bearable. 3
2sure Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 It has got to be extremely frustrating. When I was OW, there was never a deciding moment, a DDay, or drama ...we both just moved on as we knew we would. But as BS, I at least had the ability to make my WS hear me. To see my hurt, feel my anger. When we divorced, it was the ultimate statement of FU to him. It was the mother of consequence. The break up still hurts, I consider forgiveness, but indifference seems good enough. still...He knows what he did to me. Even though he is selfish and unable to really love anyone....youre damn right he KNOWS. And that was important to me, and it was helpfully empowering. Most OW don't have that opportunity. And that has just got to be crazy making at the beginning . Dont let anyone belittle your frustration saying you should have known better. We all should have known better...and if we didn't, we do now. 5
DBella Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Its just really hard for me to understand or accept how much of a manipulator he really is. 3 months ago I would've said I've got a good man who loves me and respects me and treats me sooo good, he's just stuck in his M because of his kids. And I really believed that. I mean obviously I knew he was M and I was asking for trouble by staying involved but I really believed him. I know I need to get over the feeling of wanting him to know he hurt me because it doesn't matter. I know even if he called me tomorrow and said he's sorry, what would they really do for me??? NOTHING. But once again I want to say thank you, I know I'm probably rambling here but it does makes think clearer, even if only for a little bit It is hard to believe and even admit that this charming, nice guy would manipulate ppl for his own selfish reasons. It took me months to understand that about my H of 10 yrs, so imagine... I, like you, wanted so bad to let him know how much he hurt me and I did let him know that, but that didn't stop him from continuing his A with the OW for a little longer. What I'm trying to say here is you letting him know how you feel is not gonna make a difference right now. These type of guys are plain selfish and not too concerned about the consequences of their actions and the collateral damage they cause. Try not to focus so much in the fact that he hurt you, lied to you and so on while you were in love, but more about the fact that 1. he has some issues, 2. you won't allow yourself to become one of his victims ever again and that 3. his game is over at least with you. If he has to lie and hurt others, let others deal with that drama but be glad you are finally out of this unhealthy relationship that was going to further drain you and make you feel more miserable as time went by. Take all this as another learning experience from life and as an opportunity to empower and better yourself, do activities you wanted to do, socialize as much as you want, go out and keep yourself distracted. Those are just a few things you can do to start getting over him faster. Trust me, when you heal from this, you are gonna be sooo glad you are not together anymore. 3
ThatJustHappened Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 First, you don't engage a man for any length of time that won't choose. It's either he stays married or he ends his marriage so that you and he can live honestly and out in the open together. Do NOT let him cake eat. His wife is angry at you because her husband decided to dive between the legs of another woman. I've been very vocal on this site about this: When your husband or wife cheats, blame them, not their AP. They are the ones who made vows to you, not the OW/OM. Put the blame where it lies. Wanting more, your MM threw you under the bus. I wouldn't send him a letter or anything else. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt you are over him? He's already shown you that he's not a decent man. The OW/M is knowingly participating in the cheating and lying. They are not absolved of all blame just because they're not the one who made the vows. You're making it sound like it's ok to sleep with a married man as long as you're single and that's just not the case. It takes 2 to tango. It's not all the married person's fault. 2
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I apologize for not replying to everyone's response but please know I have read them over and over. One thing I really do like about LS is that you get everyone's opinions which I do take and think about and value. I have not sent the email to him and I know I won't. I re-read mine to him, mine to her and hers to me. It does in a sense keep the pain right in my face but it also helps in those few moments when I see or hear something that brings back a good time with him of being away or us talking or what I thought were special moments and makes me see they were not what I imagined. It's very hard to accept that the 3 years I thought I was sooo happy was actually just a big game for him. He had his wife at home and me the side. He's such a smooth talker . I can remember when i told him i lovehighly for the 1st time, i also told him it had been probably 10 years since i said those words And how silly now, he cried when he told me he loved me, because it meant we were real. One good thing as I type that now is that it disgust me, makes me laugh because it's so silly now and just reinforces how much of an as* he was.
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I have been trying not to ask but I guess I can't help it. What did the BW have to say to your email?
Spark1111 Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 The OW/M is knowingly participating in the cheating and lying. They are not absolved of all blame just because they're not the one who made the vows. You're making it sound like it's ok to sleep with a married man as long as you're single and that's just not the case. It takes 2 to tango. It's not all the married person's fault. Occasionally now, and certainly as a younger woman, I was approached repeatedly by married men. It disgusted me because I knew I would be one of many conquests for them and also that they had an innocent wife and children at home. Never once did I consider a role in the hay with one of these MM as innocent and blameless....neither for myself or their families. Sorry for the t/j...but this line of thinking has always astounded me.
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 I have been trying not to ask but I guess I can't help it. What did the BW have to say to your email? I never got a response.
BetrayedH Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I never got a response. Thanks. I figured as much but your mentioned something about reading her response to you (old ones I now understand) so I wanted to make sure you were coping ok. Well, it's certainly their problem now. For what it's worth (and there is no insult intended), I admire how much you've grown since some of your early posts here. I hope for a speedy recovery for you. No relationship loss is taken well but given time, you will heal just like we all do. Take good care of yourself.
Author wanting more Posted September 23, 2012 Author Posted September 23, 2012 Thanks. I figured as much but your mentioned something about reading her response to you (old ones I now understand) so I wanted to make sure you were coping ok. Well, it's certainly their problem now. For what it's worth (and there is no insult intended), I admire how much you've grown since some of your early posts here. I hope for a speedy recovery for you. No relationship loss is taken well but given time, you will heal just like we all do. Take good care of yourself. Thank you.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I never got a response. Probably for the best. You're ok though, right?
RickFox Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Yep perfectly normal to feel as you do. I felt the same with xMW. Guess what though? It really no longer matters whether he knows he hurt you or not. It doesn't change who he is or what he did. Worry about you and worry not for him
Sauron Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I am the former wife of a husband that had a mistress. First of all when the affair was exposed, the first words out of his mouth was that he was worried about the OW! WTF? Are you kidding me? - so I'm sure he knows that you are hurt, but he had to make his choice and honey, it was NEVER going to be you. I can't let you off the hook because you knew damned well he was married - he was living a fantacy and you provided that escape, but when he finally came to his senses, he abandoned you because you were never real. I have a very hard time understanding why any one would waste their time on a married man/woman. It's a disaster in the making - someone will be extremely hurt and with all the single people out there begging for relationships, I just can't comprehend why you would want someone elses spouse. The way that I got my comfort when I divorced my husband due to the affair was to say "there whoreon, I threw him out like trash and now you can scrape up my garbage and stuff it down your throat." Sorry, I can't be sympethetic because I was the one that got hurt and it took years for me to recover. I don't put all the blame on the OW, but she pursued him knowing that he was married, he fell for it, but later regretted it - called her evey name in the book when we discussed the affair, because he wanted me - well too damn bad - you lost me when you chose wrong instead of right. The upside - you will heal but take the lesson you learned with you and don't repeat it again. Pardon me for straying off topic a bit. Just curious since it's been years, why do you think he had a mistress? If you could say that these 3 things went wrong what would they be?
hardlybreathing Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Pardon me for straying off topic a bit. Just curious since it's been years, why do you think he had a mistress? If you could say that these 3 things went wrong what would they be? Why my newlywed husband had a mistress? Here are his reasons. A) Her husband was cheating on her and because his first wife cheated on him so he knew the pain she was in (and then the I got hurt - what a cycle) B) He was counseling/witnessing to her C) They became emotionally involved which led to physical D) She reminded him of his daughter (sick SOB). I got the usual, "I separated these two lives and he loves me dearly so don't take it personally". Truly, I didn't do anything wrong, he had some real problems.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 Why my newlywed husband had a mistress? Here are his reasons. A) Her husband was cheating on her and because his first wife cheated on him so he knew the pain she was in (and then the I got hurt - what a cycle) B) He was counseling/witnessing to her C) They became emotionally involved which led to physical D) She reminded him of his daughter (sick SOB). I got the usual, "I separated these two lives and he loves me dearly so don't take it personally". Truly, I didn't do anything wrong, he had some real problems. What? What what what????? His DAUGHTER???
underwater2010 Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 If I remember correctly he is trying to reconcile with his wife right? If that is the case I would not bother sending an email. Sooo many questions..... How could after 3 years of talking and texting daily (except weekends) could he just stop??? It is simple. He wants to stay with his wife. With the affair going as long as it has, I am sure it is brutal for him too. I don't want to "talk" to him but I want to know he knows he hurt me. He does realize that he hurt you. He realize on the first Dday and every subsequent one from there on out. It won't matter that you tell him. He is busy covering his butt right now. Am I wrong for wanting to hit or scream at him?? No...and now you know how his wife feels. That is exactly what we want to do when we find out about our spouses affair. Am I wrong for wanting him to know how I feel??? No you are not wrong, but it doesn't matter. That is the problem when you are the OW and the WH choses to stay with their wife. You become expendable to the MM. How could I let myself fall in love with a MM who threw me away like trash?? I wish I knew that answer to that one. But you are not alone out there. There are many FOW on here that can help you out. Sometimes I think she's right in what she said to me in her email... I'm just a crazy pathetic stupid slut. Those are just ramblings of a furious BS. It would only be true if you keep repeating the same actions with MM. I am sorry that you are hurting. But please learn from this affair. MM are not worth pursuing. Their heart usually belongs to someone else. This is the time to be working on you. Don't worry about him anymore. And after processing all the feelings would you really want him even if he left his wife?
hardlybreathing Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 What? What what what????? His DAUGHTER??? Exactly my reaction when he uttered those words - he walked it back and said, "not like that" then what? He said, needy, niave, vulnerable. But me looking from the inside out - his OW looked exaactly like his daughter - whatever, sick, sick sick!!!!!! Those are just ramblings of a furious BS. It would only be true if you keep repeating the same actions with MM. I am sorry that you are hurting. But please learn from this affair. MM are not worth pursuing. Their heart usually belongs to someone else. This is the time to be working on you. Don't worry about him anymore. And after processing all the feelings would you really want him even if he left his wife? Re-read the above. I agree with this post 100%.
Author wanting more Posted September 24, 2012 Author Posted September 24, 2012 Those are just ramblings of a furious BS. It would only be true if you keep repeating the same actions with MM. I am sorry that you are hurting. But please learn from this affair. MM are not worth pursuing. Their heart usually belongs to someone else. This is the time to be working on you. Don't worry about him anymore. And after processing all the feelings would you really want him even if he left his wife? Thank you did your responses. I am working on me and in the future I can promise there will never be a MM in my life the way he was. And you are correct, I wouldn't want him in my life at all, even if she kicked him out.
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