frozensprouts Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 a question for wayward spouses ( and anyone else who'd care to answer)... why did you have an affair or why do you think your spouse had an affair? I expect the answers may be complex, which is fine. ( please note...this is not an open invitation to run down your current or ex spouse...I really think it's possible to answer the question without doing so)
HappyAtLast Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Ex-wife had an affair, early on in our marriage. Stayed till kid were grown, did my duty. Informed my then wife that as soon as the kids were off to college, I would also be leaving. My kids grew up in a happy household (I am very good at hiding my feelings) and have since grown into professional responsible adults with happy marriages and children of their own. I never told them about their mother's affair. During the last year of my marriage (my youngest last year at home prior to heading to college) I met an amazing woman and allowed myself to enter into an affair. Decided that this was a once in a lifetime connection and that I was not going to deny myself as I had been doing for the last 15 years. In hindsight, obviously would have first ended my marriage prior to pursuing another.
96nole Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 ( please note...this is not an open invitation to run down your current or ex spouse...I really think it's possible to answer the question without doing so) Well, that leaves me out! 2
HappyAtLast Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I consider my behavior to very dishonorable. Despite whatever my then wife may or may not have done, I alone made the decision to cheat and therefore am solely responsible for my actions. 8
Leelou Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 People who are good at self-monitoring are found to be more likely to be involved in extra-marital affairs. They can compartmentalize the different parts of their life and do not see themselves as dishonest by keeping their emotions separate from other parts of their lives. They have the ability to blend in, being high monitoring is NOT a pathology, but a natural behavior that they've had since childhood -- their personality aspects include a more natural way of being, other people's moods don't have a high impact on them, and when with others they find it easy to mirror them. High monitors fit in better with lots of different groups. They are more fluid. They are capable of having different groups of friends where their behavior is different with each group. For example, the way they behave with their church group is different to how they behave with their beer-drinking friends. They are social chameleons. On the other hand, people who have low self monitoring tend to 'be themselves' no matter what the situation is, or who they are with. They also tend to be affected by other people, and to carry that mood over with them to the next person. Low self monitors tend to be the same people over a wide variety of groups of people and situations, they do not adapt themselves, behavior, to the group. When something happens to low self monitors, it affects their whole mood. Low self monitors think it is unhealthy to do what high self monitors do and compartmentalize. But as I said, it is not considered a pathology, just a different personality. High self monitors can have an argument with their wife and then go spend time with their AP and not have that spill over onto their time with their girlfriend, and vice versa. High self-monitors can turn off feelings. They can file their behaviors away. Do not see themselves as dishonest for that reason. So, to answer your question, I believe my husband has had serial affairs because he IS a high self monitor and is capable of compartmentalizing all parts of his life. After several of his D-Days, I told him I would do the same. I did have an affair. I thought it was time for H to FEEL what it was like, that it would either make or break our M, but when it came down to telling H about my A, he didn't believe me, and I just let it slide. Since then, our M has been very distant. I have not made any more attempts to make it work since my A. And H is the same as usual. We live apart but he comes home a few times a year to be a family with the kids and me. I believe there are several reasons why I had the affair. One was to jolt my H and M. One was to jolt myself out of my depression and being stuck in the M. One was a tit-for-tat. One was to have an exit affair. In the end, nothing much has changed except for one thing: I am no longer emotionally wiped out from what my H is up to. Having that A allowed me to un-couple from my H, whereas nothing else worked before. Everything in my life was permeated by my husband's affairs... I was devastated... guess my personality is a low self monitor. 1
Summer Breeze Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 When my xH cheated on me I sincerely feel I held more than 50% of the responsibility for the state of disrepair the M was in. He had some issues that I didn't know how to deal with. We had several of his children from a previous M living with us and I was an instant mother to them. Again I didn't really know what I was doing but man did I try hard. I wasn't prepared and I wasn't about to ask for help. Looking back through years of experience I can see everything I did wrong. I'm not saying he was right in having an A because he wasn't. But I contributed to it not working all that great. He did too. Trust me I do not shoulder all the responsibility. In the end he cheated. A great guy and someone I loved so much cheated. I think together we created a chaos we both hated. I turned my back on some of his issues and I think he felt like I was deserting him. He found someone to fill the void rather than work with me on what we both were doing wrong. I hope that made sense!
Leelou Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) I was just wondering whether high self monitoring wayward spouses are the types who do NOT leave their M for their AP, and furthermore, are those who are able to become serial cheaters? And whether low self monitoring wayward spouses who have an affair are more likely to end their M, due to their dishonesty, or to leave their M for their AP, or end their A and be a one-time infidelity experience only -- thereby acting in line with their feelings and actions, due to NOT being easily able to separate their behaviors in different areas of their lives. Thoughts? Edited September 21, 2012 by Leelou
Cabin Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 First, let me qualify this by saying I do not in any way blame my ex-H for my affair. I take responsibility for the deception and infidelity. But I wouldn't undo it. I had an affair because my relationship with my spouse was very superficial. We had no connection - not conversationally, not sexually, not professionally. We were, I see now, a pretty odd couple. And over nearly 11 years of feeling guarded and distant, I think I was primed and ready for a new path in life when AP came into the picture. I have sinced divorced, so I guess mine was an exit affair. When I first entered the EA, I wasn't very emotionally self-aware and so I did have the feeling that it "just sort of happened" without knowing how or why. Since beginning that EA, I have come to learn so much about myself that I know will certainty that I will never be unfaithful again. Despite the less than ideal circumstances, this A (now a legitimate relationship) has done so much for my understanding of self, my understanding of relationship and my vision for the future. That is why, I simply would not, could not undo it even though it was not an ideal start.
standtall Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I had an affair with a married woman when I was single strictly to find out how good in bed she was..simple.
Bittersweetie Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I expected my H to create my happiness. And when I was unhappy, I looked at all of the issues between us and thought I'd tried to fix them. So, I thought I would "fill in the gaps" with someone else. One of the (many) things I have learned though IC and talking with my H, is that someone else does NOT provide my happiness...only I can. I was wrong on so many levels to think I could create some kind of happy world doing what I did. There were other reasons too...self esteem issues, communication issues, selfish entitlement, but I feel the main issue I had was looking for Happiness and Satisfaction externally rather than internally. Now I look at my life, and the things in it, and am happy and satisfied with what I have instead of getting worked up about the things I don't have. I am truly blessed right now. 3
Sauron Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 People who are good at self-monitoring are found to be more likely to be involved in extra-marital affairs. They can compartmentalize the different parts of their life and do not see themselves as dishonest by keeping their emotions separate from other parts of their lives. They have the ability to blend in, being high monitoring is NOT a pathology, but a natural behavior that they've had since childhood -- their personality aspects include a more natural way of being, other people's moods don't have a high impact on them, and when with others they find it easy to mirror them. High monitors fit in better with lots of different groups. They are more fluid. They are capable of having different groups of friends where their behavior is different with each group. For example, the way they behave with their church group is different to how they behave with their beer-drinking friends. They are social chameleons. On the other hand, people who have low self monitoring tend to 'be themselves' no matter what the situation is, or who they are with. They also tend to be affected by other people, and to carry that mood over with them to the next person. Low self monitors tend to be the same people over a wide variety of groups of people and situations, they do not adapt themselves, behavior, to the group. When something happens to low self monitors, it affects their whole mood. Low self monitors think it is unhealthy to do what high self monitors do and compartmentalize. But as I said, it is not considered a pathology, just a different personality. High self monitors can have an argument with their wife and then go spend time with their AP and not have that spill over onto their time with their girlfriend, and vice versa. High self-monitors can turn off feelings. They can file their behaviors away. Do not see themselves as dishonest for that reason. So, to answer your question, I believe my husband has had serial affairs because he IS a high self monitor and is capable of compartmentalizing all parts of his life. After several of his D-Days, I told him I would do the same. I did have an affair. I thought it was time for H to FEEL what it was like, that it would either make or break our M, but when it came down to telling H about my A, he didn't believe me, and I just let it slide. Since then, our M has been very distant. I have not made any more attempts to make it work since my A. And H is the same as usual. We live apart but he comes home a few times a year to be a family with the kids and me. I believe there are several reasons why I had the affair. One was to jolt my H and M. One was to jolt myself out of my depression and being stuck in the M. One was a tit-for-tat. One was to have an exit affair. In the end, nothing much has changed except for one thing: I am no longer emotionally wiped out from what my H is up to. Having that A allowed me to un-couple from my H, whereas nothing else worked before. Everything in my life was permeated by my husband's affairs... I was devastated... guess my personality is a low self monitor. Where does your information come from? Do you have a link to an article? I would be interested in reading more about low and high monitor persoanlity types.
Leelou Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Where does your information come from? Do you have a link to an article? I would be interested in reading more about low and high monitor persoanlity types. It comes from one of my psych classes, and no I don't have online links but I'm sure you will find many if you research this topic. Let me know what you think after you've researched it. Do you think you are a high self-monitoring person?
2.50 a gallon Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Ex had just gotten her college degree and received a great job offer from a Fortune 500 company, and paid us to move cross country. Understand that this was over 30 years ago, and women were just starting to make inroads into some areas that had been male dominated. She was the first woman at her level, and being young and extremely sexy, I found myself from day one fighting an army of co-worker OM's. I then caught her kissing a guard in the company parking lot and told her not to come home. To me at that point the marriage was over, she had broken her vows and I did not give a hoot about the paperwork. One of the OM's was our next door neighbor, and the first weekend after we broke up he invited the Ex, her new BF and some of her co-workers over for a BBQ while his wife was out of town. When the wife returned and with my help figured out why she had found a strange pair of panties in her apartment, we commenced our revenge affair. Up until then married woman were not on my menu. But her cheating had cast a new light on my rules, and I no longer cared. In fact I successfully went after some of the other co-workers wives. I probably would have stopped there, but one night while partying with some of my co-workers, two of their husbands did not realize that I had overheard them making light of me, being short skinny, with long hair and a pretty good dancer. As to the effect they weren't sure if I was a man or a woman. So I targeted their wives. Women talk and when the word was spread that I enjoyed going down town, I had several more offers. These are the only instances that I consider to be affairs, however, I never did file for divorce, just walked away. I found out a dozen years later that the Ex had waited 4 years to file her paperwork, so some would say that all the women that I slept with during that time were affairs. As to Sauron's question: Excellent, the passion had long gone out of their lives, and they acted like they were teenagers again
MonsterMash Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 My ex wife was, I believe, sociopathic. Thats as nice as I can be without revealing how I really feel about her. 2
GLDheart Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Blend poor impulse control (struggles with alcoholism and pack a day smoking) with an ENORMOUS dose of passive aggresion mixed with equal parts anxious insecurity... ...it's a miracle that we lasted the ten years that we did. 1
AnotherRound Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 Where does your information come from? Do you have a link to an article? I would be interested in reading more about low and high monitor persoanlity types. Sauron - you can actually take the test online to determine if you are a high self monitor or a low. My guess is that you are a very high self monitor person, from your posts and some details that you have provided. But, it would be interesting to see where you fall. For me, I can be either, but am more often low self monitoring, in that I don't rely on other people's reactions to decide how to act. I go with my own beliefs and values and make my way, never have been susceptible to peer pressure, and just lead my own life while expecting others to lead theirs (and to not worry about mine! lol). I would be interested to see where you fall on the scale after taking the quiz - and where each of your lovers fall on it too. I'm guessing that a whole lot of people that stay in marriages that they are unhappy in are high self monitoring - and that those that leave are probably more low self monitoring. That's just a guess - but interesting topic. 1
Radagast Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 a question for wayward spouses ( and anyone else who'd care to answer)... why did you have an affair ? I was in deep denial about the state of my marriage. We had split for a year at my then-wife's behest, during which time I had been happy and productive, but she had been fallen to pieces and the children had been traumatised as a result, and so when she begged me to take her back I did, thinking things would improve. They did not. Her promise to attend marriage counselling was short-lived, after a single session where the counsellor asked her to consider the negative effects of the behaviour she was demonstrating even in the session on our marriage, she walked out and refused to return, insisting that any problem with the marriage was mine, since she thought the marriage was just fine. I had spent about a year after taking her back trying to bring about improvements, as suggested by the counsellor. To no avail. Communication was one-way and eventually I simply stopped trying. I imagined I would tread water until the children were old enough, and at that point I would review my options. And then another door opened when a wonderful woman offered me an affair. It wasn't something I'd ever considered before, despite having had previous offers, but in that situation I really thought it would help me to sustain my involvement in my marriage. And it did for a while, until the contradictions became too great and I knew I had to leave the marriage. So I guess in my case it was a band-aid for a gangrenous marriage. 1
HisGraceisSufficient Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I had an affair due to many factors but primarily because of 1. Moral decay; corrupt heart and mind 2. Selfishness 3. Pride 4. Poor self control, boundaries 5. Intimacy and Communication Issues 1
GLDheart Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I had an affair due to many factors but primarily because of 1. Moral decay; corrupt heart and mind 2. Selfishness 3. Pride 4. Poor self control, boundaries 5. Intimacy and Communication Issues This makes me very sad to read. It is exactly how I view my ex now. But I'm not sad for you. I'm sad for me. I am sad for her. It sounds like you are well beyond those dark days and I am glad you are accepting of your flawed past in order to move to a better future. I wish you continued strength. 2
HisGraceisSufficient Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 This makes me very sad to read. It is exactly how I view my ex now. But I'm not sad for you. I'm sad for me. I am sad for her. It sounds like you are well beyond those dark days and I am glad you are accepting of your flawed past in order to move to a better future. I wish you continued strength. It is very sad. I am still saddened when I think back to that time..what a waste! What great losses came about from such selfishness! Thank you for your encouragement. Did your ex turn herself around?
2sure Posted September 23, 2012 Posted September 23, 2012 I expected my H to create my happiness. And when I was unhappy, I looked at all of the issues between us and thought I'd tried to fix them. So, I thought I would "fill in the gaps" with someone else. One of the (many) things I have learned though IC and talking with my H, is that someone else does NOT provide my happiness...only I can. I was wrong on so many levels to think I could create some kind of happy world doing what I did. There were other reasons too...self esteem issues, communication issues, selfish entitlement, but I feel the main issue I had was looking for Happiness and Satisfaction externally rather than internally. Now I look at my life, and the things in it, and am happy and satisfied with what I have instead of getting worked up about the things I don't have. I am truly blessed right now. Wow. You are blessed indeed. I live this.
garyfromla Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) My wife's reason was that I was focusing on my career too much and neglecting her needs. Which was true but still didn't make it right. Edited September 29, 2012 by garyfromla 2
RickFox Posted September 29, 2012 Posted September 29, 2012 Because I was an idiot, because I thought I found my soulmate, because I convinced myself that because my wife gained weight it was okay to F another woman who was in shape and wanted to work out with me, because it was exciting while my M was stale, because I was an idiot, because being almost 40 her and her 27 made me feel young and desirable, because it was supposed to be 'just for fun', because I thought Id never get caught, because I was stupid to think that an A could actually hurt someone......because I was an idiot. 2
Sauron Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 When my xH cheated on me I sincerely feel I held more than 50% of the responsibility for the state of disrepair the M was in. He had some issues that I didn't know how to deal with. We had several of his children from a previous M living with us and I was an instant mother to them. Again I didn't really know what I was doing but man did I try hard. I wasn't prepared and I wasn't about to ask for help. Looking back through years of experience I can see everything I did wrong. I'm not saying he was right in having an A because he wasn't. But I contributed to it not working all that great. He did too. Trust me I do not shoulder all the responsibility. In the end he cheated. A great guy and someone I loved so much cheated. I think together we created a chaos we both hated. I turned my back on some of his issues and I think he felt like I was deserting him. He found someone to fill the void rather than work with me on what we both were doing wrong. I hope that made sense! Hey Summer, at least you took some ownership and had an objectyive opinion about the roles. I agree that he shoulders the responsbility for taking the leap to start the affair. I appreciate your honesty in making this statement. I would say that both married partners shoulder repsonsibility for events leading up to an affair. I wouldn't imagine if things are perfect that either partner would make the leap. 2
Sauron Posted October 1, 2012 Posted October 1, 2012 It comes from one of my psych classes, and no I don't have online links but I'm sure you will find many if you research this topic. Let me know what you think after you've researched it. Do you think you are a high self-monitoring person? Here is a definition I found. I think I am different in the self monitoring role depending on what the situation is. In business I am definitely a high self monitor, in my personal life I am very consistent. Self Monitoring: There are people who are high self-monitors and people who are low self-monitors...A high self-monitor is someone who is concerned about how they are perceived by others and will actually change their behavior in order to fit different situations (e.g., if they believe they will be perceived negatively by others, they may change their behavior so that they are perceived more positively...rather than just acting in a consistent manner). On the other hand, a low self-monitor is someone who is less concerned with how other people perceive them and will be more likely to act consistently. For example, a low self-monitor who has certain religious beliefs will be more likely than a high self-monitor to express their actual beliefs across situations (a high self-monitor might say something other than their true beliefs if they believe the situation calls for it or if they believe others will perceive them in a negative manner). Read more: Self Monitoring Defined - Psychology Glossary
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