Real36 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Hello everyone, I posted about a new, confusing "relationship" a few months ago. I am spending time with a guy that I work with. He is 23 and 31. Four months ago he asked me on one date. Since then he has spent almost every night at my house. We have dinner in, watch movies and talk but we have never gone on another date. He has invited me on a vacation that we didn't go on and talked about doing other things around town but somehow we just never actually go out. Before he wasn't really coming over on the weekends but now he does. He had surgery recently, I made him food he could eat and picked him up when he couldn't drive. When he got really sick I took him to the doctor and stayed with him when he was delirious. My car broke down he helped me and took me to the mechanic. He thanks me for cooking and brings food over often so I won't have to. He compliments me often, tells me personal things about himself and talk about our hopes and dreams. We have never discussed what kind of relationship we have. We refer to each other as 'my friend' even though my friends know about us and some of his friends know. I have invited him to meet my friends twice but he didn't either time, once he made a lame excuse and the other time he was legitimately sick. I have been to his house but he didn't introduce me to his mom, I have picked him up when he was with his friends at a bar but he didn't introduce me then either. We have been seen together by some of his extended family and accquaintances in passing while running errands around town. He didn't seem to mind, pointing them out to me and telling me to wave. No one at work can know about us because it would risk one of us being transferred to another department. This causes some jealousy because we are each get approached by others occasionally. One of our co-workers (who is in a relationship) pays a lot of attention to me, my guy notices and makes comments about it. He has made several comments about a friend of mine that is a single male, even though he has never met him. He gets approached by many girls his age while at work (other departments) because he is very attractive. I pretend it doesn't bother me but a few times I have let my mannerisms and facial expression show that I didn't like it, some have noticed and backed off. A few people at work have made comments about us but we just laugh them off, no one takes it seriously. He texts and uses FB a lot. I know he is talking to girls sometimes but I don't feel like he is actually seeing them, but I could be wrong. It does make me jealous but I try to hide it. We haven't directly talked about not having sex with other people but I honestly don't think he is. When we are together we interact like a couple. I went on a weekend vacation for my birthday last week but I didn't invite him because I didn't think he would come. When I got back, he was supposed to come over but didn't show up until midnight. He sent a text asking me not to be mad at him. He did come over with a birthday gift and card but asked me not to read the card until later. The hand written note inside said some sweet, sentimental things and ended with him looking forward to "everything I have to offer. I enjoy everything about you." (weird). I just don't know where I stand. Are we FWB or more? I'm beginning to feel like it will drag on like this forever. Anyone have any insight into this? Thanks.
Balzac Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 You said you are 31. Is this your first relationship?
vaxathrax Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 If you can have sex with someone, but can't talk about what kind of relationship you are in then something is wrong. Bring it up and see what he thinks you both are doing. Also, if you want to go out on a date feel free to suggest something... the guy shouldn't always have to bring the suggestions. 1
Author Real36 Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the replies. No, this isn't my first relationship but it has been a couple of years since I have been in a relationship. I have dated, but nothing long lasting. Your question made me step back and take a look at this again, it does seem a little immature or rushing to be so caught up in defining it at 4 months. He is just so much younger, I don't know how people his age go about things. For me in the past, I have introduced/ been introduced to family and friends as well as having the GF title at 4 months. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it.
xpaperxcutx Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for the replies. No, this isn't my first relationship but it has been a couple of years since I have been in a relationship. I have dated, but nothing long lasting. Your question made me step back and take a look at this again, it does seem a little immature or rushing to be so caught up in defining at 4 months. He is just so much younger, I don't know how people his age go about things. For me in the past, I have introduced/ been introduced to family and friends as well as having the GF title at 4 months. Maybe I just need to stop thinking about it. Question yourself again why you need think 4 months is rushing anything at all? 4 months in a relationship means you're half way to a one a year anniversary yet the sad thing here is he refuses to acknowledge or give you some kind of title. As they say, " He's having his cake". You're entitled to know where this is going. If you want a relationship all the more you actually know where you stand with him. I am two months into my relationship and my boyfriend frohm day 1 has went out of his way introduce me to all his friends and make it known I am his girl. If you are afraid this will get back to the workplace, i agree it's not wise to announce it to your coworkers. However, close friends and family should not be written out if you are important to him. 1
Balzac Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Not "maybe". This guy is failing at the man job. 1
O'Malley Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Your question made me step back and take a look at this again, it does seem a little immature or rushing to be so caught up in defining it at 4 months. He is just so much younger, I don't know how people his age go about things. I don't think it's age related. A progression towards a more serious relationship involves being open and proactive; you're socializing publicly and with each other's friends and family. There's no ambiguity about your status. People who aren't comfortable with labels in relationships are hesitating for a reason - it gives them room to maneuver.
Imajerk17 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 (edited) Let me get this straight. --He took you out on one "date". --He has spent nearly every night for the next few months through the present, over at your place. So much for wooing you... --You have never been on another actual "date" since. --He makes no effort to meet your friends or introduce you to his! --When it comes to asking where you and he stand, you deem it better to be asking a bunch of strangers (us here on loveshack), instead of actually asking this guy. Despite that you spend nearly every night with him. Lack of courage perhaps? Or you have a gut feeling that you won't like his answer. Sounds to me that you are basically a booty call. You came too easily to him and now he is taking you for granted. I find myself thinking you ought to feel embarrassed for putting up with this. Standards.... Edited September 21, 2012 by Imajerk17
Author Real36 Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 As much as it hurts to read the truth I want to ignore, thanks a lot for the insight y'all. Imajerk is right that I haven't asked him about this because I really don't want to know the answer. Honestly, it is a little embarrassing that I have gotten myself into this situation. I hate knowing that I have become attached to someone who most likely doesn't feel the same way about me. O'Malley is on it too. Lack of titles shows that he is keeping his options open. After thinking about it, I have been doing the same thing. If I were really serious about him I would have brought this up along time ago. Thanks a lot guys. Sometimes it is good to have some unbiased feedback when you are just too close to see for yourself.
CaptJay Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 (edited) OP, it is very impressive that you read two very direct and honest critiques of your situation with objectivity! So many people here (the new/few posts members) ask for feedback simply to get validation that their ideas coming into the forums is right. And, when others counter them, they get angry and defensive. You got direct feedback, which wasn't the opinions that you probably hoped for, but entertained them without letting your emotions get the better of you. Now, you've got to work on that self esteem, but your objectivity with all this is a VERY positive sign that it will increase to a healthy level. cj Edited September 22, 2012 by CaptJay Stupid auto-spell 1
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