I am a selfish cheating alcoholic

[Dezirae]

I really need to get this all off of my chest because it's eating me alive and I'm not sure if venting will help but I'll give it a try. Alright I get it a I'm a horrible person, there's something not right with me and maybe I'm evil and cruel or maybe I only feel this this way to rush to rock bottom because once you hit it things are bound to go back up right? The only time I'm in touch with my soul or conscience or feel a real emotion is when I feel pain and guilt and I'm not sure if that's normal. Otherwise I just move on and focus on what -I- want. I'm a selfish person okay I can admit that, it's like the alcoholic side of me though who still loves alcohol but didn't want to give it up so I deny being addicted to with a false believe that it's something I can control. I do not want anyone's sympathy here and part of me I think want to be kicked while I'm down because I know deserve it but really what I seek is a healthy dose of accountability and accepting it. I want to move on.

 

The truth is maybe relationships aren't cut out for someone like me. I see a person and I like them and they end up liking me and we have a good time but then they fall in love, or being under the influence of alcohol a couple of times I woke up the next day from passing out to a relationship. I just wanted to party and have fun, enjoy the male company and maybe sleep with them. (Gross behavior I know but I want to be completely honest about everything.) But with two of my exes I woke up to find to my surprise that was the one I hitting on them and asked them out or agreed to go out with them after getting too chummy. The alcoholism is a serious problem for me but I have taken the proper steps to stop drinking and I'm going on a month and half sober.

 

But the alcohol isn't the only problem here and it's weird. It's like I hate myself but at the same time I'm only focused and truly care about myself. Me me me me me. I know it's a horrible way to be which is why I tried to do the world a favor and usually turn down people who ask me out even if I like them to save us both long run trouble. But two instances of me being drunk I couldn't bring myself to let go when I saw the disappointment in one of my exe's eyes when I turned him down and I had a crush on him for years so I was like fine knowing that I was full blown alcoholic took a dive into a tumultuous four year relationship with him.

 

I gave him hell acted crazy the whole time, took him for granted and constantly nagged and pressured to him to do things he didn't want to do but he did them went out of his way to make me happy and even proposed to me. Okay so yeah I'm the girlfriend from hell but at the same time he was also very controlling and didn't want me to have any friends because he believed we only needed each other. I stopped going out and drank inside, but wouldn't give up the drinking for him, I let go all of my friendships and sacrificed precious time with family members and fully dedicated and made myself completely available to him. I think we were both emotionally codependent on each other. I stayed loyal and faithful all the way up into the end when we had a big blow up over him for doing something bad to get back at me for going behind his back and talking to a friend he didn't want me talking to even though the conversation was brief and platonic. I resented him after that and had a serious grudge I couldn't let go of and unsure if I still have it to this day.

 

After that we started breaking up and getting back together with each other everyday, each time the breaks were getting longer and longer, and during the long breaks I went out on the and started partying again and moved out after another fight. I wasn't doing this to have the freedom to party and do what I want though,I was just torn between still loving him and wanting to be with him but every conversation we had ended in a fight and a break up mainly because I couldn't get over the issue of what he did. Soon I had befriended this guy who was attracted to me and decided it was time to cut ties with my ex for good so during another break up I slept with the guy but I never told my ex however that time I made no effort to go back as it was my way to seal the deal for good and I had no conscience or guilt about cheating at all.

 

About a month later my ex begged for me back finally apologized for what he did and wanted us to get back together but things weren't back to the same old seriousness, it was awkward and kinda like hanging out with an aqaintance or an old friend you havent' seen in a while with small emotionless hugs and kisses but that was it.

 

I finally cut all contact with him by ignoring his calls and messages even though he was still saying he loved me and I went into full blown party mode for a while becoming more promiscuous than ever. The mind set was okay I'm a royally messed up selfish person with too many problems and I don't need to drag anyone else through my bs like I did my ex so I will just drink and have fun and have one night stands where I can pretend for a little while that I'm loved and wanted and then move on without anyone getting hurt.

 

Well one guy I had befriended fell head over heels for me even though we didn't sleep together but just cuddled and I completely blacked out and I don't know what I said to him but the next day we were in a relationship and I tried to break up right away but he begged me all week to just give him a chance so and so I gave in. He was a good guy I believed he was too good for me but part of the problem was I just wasn't attracted to him, and he seemed very bent on making the relationship not about sex that we only had sex twice out of the 3 and a half months we were together and I didn't have the guts to tell him because ironically I actually do have a reputation as being "nice" and didn't want to hurt or upset him.

 

Toward the end I did mess around with someone else while we dated out of a need to feel desired and I told my ex that to give him grounds to see me for what I truly am and dump me but he wouldn't and so I had to firmly tell him that I wanted out and we both cried and it wasn't easy, I cried even more when he told me he still doesn't hate me but I don't know how much of my dead and selfish heart was actually in that conversation.

 

So recently I decided it was time to become tame and settle down I'm 29 now, (luckily for the world no children) cut out the partying completely stop the drinking and try to take things seriously. I became involved in another relationship and felt geniune sparks fly that I hadn't felt since I had been in a relationship with the first guy I mentioned on here. I was happy, and decided to put down the bottle in order to keep it that way. The honey moon phase is over but I have no desire to cheat, my new boyfriend makes me feel completely loved and wanted and I try to do the same with him although I can still be selfish and want things my way but I've been putting in an effort.

 

So anyway a few days ago I got around to organzing everything and went on facebook which I've abandoned for half a year to discover that my ex has a fiancee and for whatever backwards reason it struck a nerve. I was so bothered that I deleted my facebook I'm even surprised at myself for reacting so strongly when I had thought I always hoped that he would find someone else to move on from me and be happy but for whatever reason it felt like my heart had broke and I've been in a depression for a few days now, avoiding and blowing of plans with my current boyfriend. The first day I just wanted to sleep to shut my mind off, the 2nd day I was on edge and it was really hard to resist from drinking but my heart still felt broken and so I went to sleep again and naps aren't something I usually take.

 

Then yesterday evening, I tried to go out to dinner with a few friends along with my boyfriend to distract my mind but the whole time I was a completely quite zombie and my mind was still on my ex the whole and I kind off blew my boyfriend off after dinner, told him I wanted to go home and go straight to bed which I did. But then I woke up a few hours later, reactivated my facebook and started reading and looking at everything little thing regarding my ex. I know I shouldn't contact him and just leave him alone and let him be happy with his fiancee but I couldn't get him out of my mind, it just keeps going in circles around, so I thought maybe I needed to tell him that I'm really am sorry for the bs I put him through while were together so I left him an email message apologizing for everything, I didn't go into specifics and wished him luck and happiness. I then deleted my facebook and told myself never to look him up ever again. I want to do the right thing which is stay out of his life.

 

And then after this overwhelming sense of dread and grief washed over me, and I keep breaking down and crying I and can't stop these emotions. I hate myself for everything, everything about me is just wrong but more than ever I finally feel like I'm in touch with my soul and my real heart because everything else and every other time I'm completely numb. I use alcohol to manipulate and enhance my emotions. Other than that I just go through the motions and just focus on me me me and getting through tomorrow and the next day not caring who I hurt or how my decisions affect others. In mind mind I usually find justifications for why I act the way I do. But I don't like who I am, I really don't.

 

I don't want my exes back couldn't treat them right or love them right and don't deserve or think I want a second shot but I just feel so horrible for the things I've done to them and maybe I'm taking the relationship I have now for granted. I just hope I can stay strong enough to do the right thing but I hope I don't get so caught up in my own selfishness and end up hurting my current boyfriend and potentially others. Maybe if I was smart and for his sake I should break up with him until I sort myself out but then that would only cause him pain, I don't know if that's inevitible or it could be changed. I do love him though.

[Balzac]

He's an adult, responsible for the consequences of his decisions.

Good luck to you.

[CaptJay]

But the alcohol isn't the only problem here and it's weird.

 

I commend you for giving-up drinking, but before I can give any advice I need to know how you did it. Did you quit yourself, did you go to AA, if so are you still going to AA, etc.

 

I am a recovering alcoholic, by the way, and hopefully can help you out a bit.

 

Please let me know.

 

cj

Edited September 21, 2012 by CaptJay

[Dezirae]

I should go to AA (I've been to a few meetings in the past but I wasn't sincere about recovery then) it is still rocky sometimes and I do get tempted to drink often especially when I'm stressed (like now). But I decided I am tired and my body is tired of the constant day long hang overs because once I start drinking I don't stop until I pass out and sometimes I've drank an entire 5th, I've woke up in an emergency room a few times from alcohol poisoning. But it all comes down to that I'm tired of the dumb mistakes I make while drinking and got tired of hurting everyone around me with it so when I get the urge to drink I've been taking the money I would use to spend on the alcohol and use it to buy something, whether it be a book, clothing a gift for someone etc...I do it right then and there and I've also refrained from going out to bars and when I go to restaurants I turn down beer and wine etc...I know I can't have so much as one sip. I am still weak. But it's important for me to keep reminding myself how my drinking affects others and has destroyed so many of my friendships with people and probably the most significant relationships I've had. I have the desire to want to do the right thing.

[2sunny]

Buy a book - specifically the big book of alcoholics anonymous.

 

Get a sponsor and DO exactly what the book outlines.

 

Freedom - it worked for me- I have a new freedom these past 5 years!