bluelights Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 My boyfriend and I first started dating when we were 13 years old (young, I know). We were on and off for 13-15 years old, when I finally changed high schools and then we broke up "for good". I was always the one to break up with him, but he broke up with me the last time. He started dating a close friend of his, and he dated her for 2 years on and off. In that time, he tried to contact me once. It didn't work out because personal reasons. Then he called me out of the blue, telling me how he misses me (He wasn't with his gf at this time, they were broken up for a few months) and how he's been thinking about me. We found out we're going to the same college and that's where we are right now. Now we're together again, same college, and the old spark is starting all over again. I never got over him. However, he is still best friends with his ex girlfriend and a group of friends (they're like a group of friends). He texts her everyday, but also other friends, too, so it's not just her. We were each other's first loves, and just recently, a lot of other "firsts". He told me he is going to propose to me once we graduate, and a lot of his actions DO point towards the fact that he loves me. But I'm scared he had the same feelings for his ex, too. I wanted to be the only one for him, the only love, and im not anymore. it hurts. He got me a "promise ring" and he's a really genuine guy, but the fact that he's still tight with his best friends and that he actually got over me (while i couldnt get over him from ages 13-now) hurts. Am I wrong to feel insecure? how do i handle their friendship? am i right for being paranoid? do you think he really loves me?
guildenstern Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I don't get it. Your mad cuz he's friends with his ex-gf or just because he could fall in love with someone other than you? One of those is kinda fair (at least it can be talked about) but the other isn't realistic. Just cuz he can/did love other people doesnt mean he doesn't love you now.
Minka333 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I totally understand how you feel as im kinda possessive too. But his actions are what matters! For all you know he might be sharing to her how lucky he is to have you in his life. Ive had ex bfs as friends and totally no feelings anymore. I enjoyed confiding how happy i was with my current bf.
Author bluelights Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 I don't get it. Your mad cuz he's friends with his ex-gf or just because he could fall in love with someone other than you? One of those is kinda fair (at least it can be talked about) but the other isn't realistic. Just cuz he can/did love other people doesnt mean he doesn't love you now. I'm insecure and super jealous that he's BEST friends (they text daily) with his ex, but also that he fell in love with someone else (totally unreasonable) because i've dated plenty of guys in which i wouldve left them at any instant for this guy. When we were in middleschool/highschool we made promises to each other; of course it's irrelevant because we were so young but I held onto that and knowing that he didn't follow through makes me upset. He's really tight with this girl. Should I be worried?
Clep Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I don't believe it is a good idea to have an ex as a best friend. I wouldn't do it. Call me old fashioned, but my present relationship is my first priority and I am not about do do anything that can have my husband question that. It is treading on dangerous ground. His best friend should be you, and his ex needs to be out of the picture if you ask me. Maybe he is telling her how amazing you are. Either way you don't know that and insecurities are natural imo. I don't even have friends of the opposite sex. I have lots of female friends. No need for male friends. I have much more in common with women.
InJest Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I'm insecure and super jealous that he's BEST friends (they text daily) with his ex, but also that he fell in love with someone else (totally unreasonable) because i've dated plenty of guys in which i wouldve left them at any instant for this guy. When we were in middleschool/highschool we made promises to each other; of course it's irrelevant because we were so young but I held onto that and knowing that he didn't follow through makes me upset. He's really tight with this girl. Should I be worried? It is poignantly ironic that you have the insight to realize that you're promises in middle school meant nothing, and yet you think that his recent promises for the future hold water. You're still really young from the sound of things and it sounds like you're too wrapped up in this guy. In all likelihood he won't marry you, and you certainly shouldn't be considering that stuff at this point. Anyway, you should tell him how you feel about his relationship with her, and then I think you should put the ball in his court to do something about it. Do it without crying, yelling, or getting emotional. The next time that she comes up in conversation, just tell him that you're not comfortable with how much contact they have with each other and you want him to drastically reduce the amount of time they spend together. You should also tell him that you don't want to dictate who he can be friends with, so if he's not okay with that then you two should just split up now. See what he says to that, but you have to truly be willing to let him go. From your post you sound weak-willed so I doubt you'll make any progress since you probably aren't willing to leave him, so you're probably just going to have to get used to sharing him. Good luck.
Author bluelights Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 It is poignantly ironic that you have the insight to realize that you're promises in middle school meant nothing, and yet you think that his recent promises for the future hold water. You're still really young from the sound of things and it sounds like you're too wrapped up in this guy. In all likelihood he won't marry you, and you certainly shouldn't be considering that stuff at this point. Anyway, you should tell him how you feel about his relationship with her, and then I think you should put the ball in his court to do something about it. Do it without crying, yelling, or getting emotional. The next time that she comes up in conversation, just tell him that you're not comfortable with how much contact they have with each other and you want him to drastically reduce the amount of time they spend together. You should also tell him that you don't want to dictate who he can be friends with, so if he's not okay with that then you two should just split up now. See what he says to that, but you have to truly be willing to let him go. From your post you sound weak-willed so I doubt you'll make any progress since you probably aren't willing to leave him, so you're probably just going to have to get used to sharing him. Good luck. Yeah, for sure i am "wrapped up" in this guy as my feelings have always been there from when I was 13 up to this point. I guess, because he's such a huge part of my past, it's just natural to feel this way. I guess I am really young but I've made a lot of mistakes in this relationship too (kept breaking up with him, liked other guys, told him about it)... silly things that "young" people in relationships do. (And we were extremely young). The thing with him is that he's actually a genuine guy.. I mean, up until now, he's only dated 2 girls (me and her). He knows how i feel about them and they text a lot, but he doesn't see her a lot (maybe a couple times a month?) and they only see each other when they come together as a group (with mutual friends). He's not the kind to be a "player" but then again, some people think they can really know someone and be wrong about it. He seems serious about marriage at this point, he kept all my emails from the past and not his ex's (meaning he didn't wanna get over the past to some extent), he cried in front of me.. like his actions show that he really loves me still after so long but you;re right - what really worries me is that he didn't keep his promises in middle school but it's naive of me to think he will now. The difference is I was 13/14/15 then, and I'm 18 now. I'd like to think he has matured, or I'd like to think that at least after all these years, he's come back to me. And as naive as this sounds, I'd like to think that he'll keep coming back to me and at the end we will get married. Do you think there's a way where I can "test" him to see if he really loves me? Or will only time tell?
Author bluelights Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 I don't believe it is a good idea to have an ex as a best friend. I wouldn't do it. Call me old fashioned, but my present relationship is my first priority and I am not about do do anything that can have my husband question that. It is treading on dangerous ground. His best friend should be you, and his ex needs to be out of the picture if you ask me. Maybe he is telling her how amazing you are. Either way you don't know that and insecurities are natural imo. I don't even have friends of the opposite sex. I have lots of female friends. No need for male friends. I have much more in common with women. Yeah, I would love it if they weren't best friends. But then again he's best friends with her as well as a group of people... it's not like they hang out alone. But they do text frequently. And she does know about me, and its only been a few weeks. Back in middle school, he used to talk to her all the time about me and our problems and everything. It may seem hypocritical but I am still best friends with my ex from grade 7, but we never "dated" for 2 years like they did.. it was only a month. And we don't call or text everyday. But I know I don't have feelings for him whatsoever.
Negative Nancy Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Being interested in an ex-partner's life is never a good sign. Maybe I'm biased, but when I am done with someone I move on completely, so I tend to assume that people who are still interested in an ex's life must have lingering feelings and aren't completely over them. And who wants to be with someone who he or she is only the 2nd best choice for? I'm like God in that regard - thou shalt not have any other gods besides me.
Author bluelights Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 The reason I really need help with this is because I've been stuck on him for years, Ive loved him (I know you guys wont believe it cause im young) for years and I've dated other people (PLENTY) in which noone compared. I'm just scared I won't find someone like him again, because other than him dating this other girl after we broke up and being best friends with her, he treats me very well and has been the most sincere guy I've ever met. He's always been one to show me how much he cares about me - he doesn't just say it, he really shows it. I know he'd do anything for me. But what I dont understand was how he moved on when he knew he could have me back instantly. I don't understnad how he was with another girl for 2 years. I don't understand how he loved her because I knew I'd never love anyone else. It;s like, I thought we both wanted each other, and each other only. I dated other people but there were quick 1 month, 2 month relationships. I don't understand how he loved me as much as he did back in middle/high school, and then was able to move on when I was still struggling to find a way to push out the smallest memories from my mind. I talked to him about it but he only brings up the present, and how he's thought of me so much during the last year, and how with her it was different, how he only ever wanted to marry me, .. but he didn't deny that he loved her. And I guess that's what really hurts. I told him a few times before that I only wanted to be friends with benefits, that I don't expect this to last, and he didn't want that at all. He really wanted to date. He cried over me, in front of me. He bought me a promise ring. I know he cares. It's just I don;t understand how he cared BEFORE too, and still dated and loved someone else, it's like.. am i wrong for being jealous that he dated someone else? Or am I right, because of those promises of "together forever" is supposed to be followed through? I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable, especially since in our on and off relationship, I did most of the breaking up.
mortensorchid Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 This is a rather odd circumstance. Do you have any other friends (other than those you are in contact with from the past through Facebook) that you are that tight with from childhood? If so, consider the fact that since you have been friends since you were little kids, you do have a very special relationship with them. Knowing each other since such a young age is a good thing yet a bad as well. We change as we get older, yet we oddly remain the same. And then you change but they don't or vice versa. And I find that those you have known since childhood still think you are the same since you were kids, and you're not. There is a certain degree of nostalgia that keeps the two of you together. If you are true friends then it's not a big deal, but there are fewer true friends out there than you think there are. That being said, your situation sounds kind of odd to say the least. Either accept it or don't. You accept him, he accepts you with your flaws (especially since you've known each other through good and bad way back when), so ... You either accept his friendship with the old gf or not. If not, well, you should reconsider.
Oxy Moronovich Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 Being interested in an ex-partner's life is never a good sign. Maybe I'm biased, but when I am done with someone I move on completely, so I tend to assume that people who are still interested in an ex's life must have lingering feelings and aren't completely over them. And who wants to be with someone who he or she is only the 2nd best choice for? I'm like God in that regard - thou shalt not have any other gods besides me. Considering that you're bitter and lonely, I'd say every man you meet is an atheist.
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