When things r good, why do I THEN feel bed?!

[BetrayedH]

I Am EXHAUSTED!! seriously, I never thought healing could be so painfully, beautiful!!

 

The things that were said, talked about, the tears the absolute understanding and the bare-naked, no holds barred souls coming forward in the most open way!!

 

I NEVER expected what was going on in my husband's head & heart, not before, during or after the affair. I have always been told that men are simple creatures. All they need is something to hunt something to provide for and something to keep them warm. I couldn't have been more wrong ( in my husband's case) He is easily more complicated than me. Every "excersize" we did proved this again and again.

 

Okay, so basically, in our relationship, I am NOT the " high maintenance" one. He is. I don't need the shoes or clothes or jewelry ( don't get me wrong, I DO like things that sparkle) or high tech toys/appliances. I NEED someone to be Nice to me and to affirm me. Husband NEEDS admiration, things that show he works hard and ATTENTION constantly. At this point, he feels ashamed and scared to death that his a has opened the door for me to have one and he knows that if I allow someone to be Nice to me, I could give my heart away. ( seriously I don't se anyone wanting my messed up mangled heart right now but that's beside the point)

He was afraid that by telling me all of this he would think I would look at him as week. He was completely taken aback when I explained that I have never seen him as more of a man than right now.

There's SO MUCH MORE but it's kind of private and special and I'd like to keep it just between the two of us.

Next Saturday we do it again, and my husband said he can't wait to go!!!

 

This is why I believe talking about the affair is critical in healing. Some suggest to never discuss the affair again once the initial questions have been answered. I think failing to open a serious dialogue (one that is completely honest and open from here on out) is just a path to the same ole broken marriage. Keep going.

 

Your story reminds me of a program that I found particularly helpful in regards to forgiveness and building a stronger marriage. Check out Beyondaffairs.com when you find the time. I used to go to a monthly support for betrayed spouses associated with them (they have them in various cities).

 

Glad you had such a great day.

[ComingInHot]

BetraydH:

Thank you. It's really hard too be able to feel such contradicting emotions at the same time. I feel healing but also felt wonds ripped open that I simply not dealt w/hoping time would take care of. Just like you said* I HOPE I'll have less & less bad moments as I know my husband is ready to be the man he knows and wants to be.

 

It's still weird to think husband felt he couldn't talk to me about my not giving him enough attention and admiration. I can't believe I didn't see it. I can't believe he feared retribution from me. But then again, I've read where others Have done so thinking they NEVER would.

[BetrayedH]

BetraydH:

Thank you. It's really hard too be able to feel such contradicting emotions at the same time. I feel healing but also felt wonds ripped open that I simply not dealt w/hoping time would take care of. Just like you said* I HOPE I'll have less & less bad moments as I know my husband is ready to be the man he knows and wants to be.

 

It's still weird to think husband felt he couldn't talk to me about my not giving him enough attention and admiration. I can't believe I didn't see it. I can't believe he feared retribution from me. But then again, I've read where others Have done so thinking they NEVER would.

 

I was very nervous about his refusal to go to therapy and your reluctance to ask questions/make waves. Those are typically two pretty big red flags in my book (for whatever the hell my opinion is worth). For him to proactively sign you up, I just think that's huge. He is showing you by his actions that he is committed. Sure, it can hurt to bring it all up for a whole day but I think you likely got more out of that long term than you gave up short term.

[ComingInHot]

BetrayedH:

TEN hours of sleep later...*

I hear what you're saying. Prideful, semi-narssasistic husband paired w/a people pleasing, bible faith based wife is a tough pairing. I think that's why it has taken us SO long to even get to where we are today. He wanted to pretend it didn't happen (to me) or was just a minor "glitch" in the grand scheme and I don't want to make him angry , dwell in the past or seem like I am throwing his A in his face.

Yesterday was a HUGE STEP that I'm so very thankful & grateful for.

 

I just read / re-read AussiMom's thread and I have to admit, that frightens me. Could that be me one day?! Could this be one big distraction to some new or current A that I am unwares?

Maybe, but then I look at his past "transparency" and hope that no, this is just me thinking the worst because things are going so well.

 

Don't you sleep?!

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH:

TEN hours of sleep later...*

I hear what you're saying. Prideful, semi-narssasistic husband paired w/a people pleasing, bible faith based wife is a tough pairing. I think that's why it has taken us SO long to even get to where we are today. He wanted to pretend it didn't happen (to me) or was just a minor "glitch" in the grand scheme and I don't want to make him angry , dwell in the past or seem like I am throwing his A in his face.

Yesterday was a HUGE STEP that I'm so very thankful & grateful for.

 

I just read / re-read AussiMom's thread and I have to admit, that frightens me. Could that be me one day?! Could this be one big distraction to some new or current A that I am unwares?

Maybe, but then I look at his past "transparency" and hope that no, this is just me thinking the worst because things are going so well.

 

Don't you sleep?!

 

I'm afraid that aussiemom's situation is a distinct possibility. Over the course of my failed reconciliation, my wife scheduled IC and MC (weekly for the whole 7 months), read probably 15 books, sent me photos of where she was and who she was with when I was insecure, gave me full permission to investigate whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted, etc, etc.. But 7 months in, I discovered a graphic internet blog that she wrote describing her first encounter with the OM on my couch with the kids asleep in their rooms. I also discovered that she'd had a 3-some with him and a prostitute. She had previously denied the 3-some that I suspected and had told me he had never been to the house. This I had to find on my own after her repeated claims that she had told me the truth and would never lie to me again. I flipped my lid and it was the end for us. She filed for D. A false reconciliation is extraordinarily tough to handle because it usually comes just as we have started to trust not just our spouse but also our own judgment.

 

I don't mean to discourage you. It is possible that your H is being completely straightforward but I don't put anything past anyone anymore. It's very discouraging for me because someone that has done this before may very well do it again and people that haven't been through it before can easily fall into an affair because they have no clue about how dangerous it can be.

 

Sorry to be so negative this morning. I just dropped my kids off with their mother and it's the worst part of every week for me.

 

As for sleep, it comes and goes for me. It was awful for the first year after Dday. It's gotten a lot better but when I'm awake, I'm still pretty consumed by it all. Going thru mediation and signing divorce papers (about a week ago) has set me back a bit. I also found out that my STBX is having a man over at night while the kids are asleep and that has me a bit frazzled.

 

Keep in mind that my situation is not yours. I do see successful reconciliations on here and yours could well be another. It may not seem like it but I am very pro-reconciliation. Your H's affair doesn't have to permanently define him or your marriage. I think any marriage is worth a second chance and I think the noble and good thing to do is to give it that second chance. But it doesn't need to be with our head in the sand. Knowing the truth and knowing my wife would always give me the truth was what was important to me. I could mostly handle that my wife had gone so deep into the rabbit hole (well, sort of). What I knew I couldn't handle was devoting my life (again) to a person that was actively lying to me. Sadly, that's what I was dealing with. I hope yours is different.

[ComingInHot]

I am SOOO sorry! I don't know how you do it??!! How is it that you are strong enough to lend encouragement to me ( and all the others here) while going through such heartbreak?!?? See??!!! Men, I am realizing, really are so much more complicated then I ever would have imagined.

 

You are right. I am going on w/reconciliation WITH my eyes wide open.

 

I WILL frisk sabotaging thoughts while still paying attention to actions, behaviors and my "gut".

 

Anything I question, I will bring to my councelor and OF COURSE to all here on LS**

[BetrayedH]

I am SOOO sorry! I don't know how you do it??!! How is it that you are strong enough to lend encouragement to me ( and all the others here) while going through such heartbreak?!?? See??!!! Men, I am realizing, really are so much more complicated then I ever would have imagined.

 

You are right. I am going on w/reconciliation WITH my eyes wide open.

 

I WILL frisk sabotaging thoughts while still paying attention to actions, behaviors and my "gut".

 

Anything I question, I will bring to my councelor and OF COURSE to all here on LS**

 

Don't fret about me too much. My life is on a gradual upswing. Kind comments from people like you also give a nice boost.

 

What am I do here? It's a combination of things, to be sure.

 

LS has done more for me than any traditional therapy. One therapist just listened (useless). Another just said I was doing everything great (affirming but otherwise useless). And our MC just faciliated sweeping the affair under the rug (flat out damaging). Hearing how real-life people deal with this was infinitely more helpful, available 24/7 and free.

 

As well, I found some real friends here that lead by example when it came to being helpful. Many have stuck with me since the beginning. I think Owl was the first to post to me, had some wise counsel, and still does. Spark1111 almost never fails to inspire me with every post and Frozensprouts must be one of the most kind people I know. Maybe it's just an internet connection but I'm not soon to disconnect. Interestingly enough, all three have successfully reconciled their marriages. And there are others too numerous to list. I have had A LOT of support.

 

Otherwise, I do certainly get something from helping others now that I have earned a virtual PhD in infidelity. I want to pay it forward. It feels good to me to help a BS to grapple with the initial shock after DDay, and to help WSs come clean with their BSs and restore their marriage, or to encourage OW to end their affairs and break free from their MM. Most of the people that come here are either hurting and need support or they have a conflict of conscience and need support. People helped me and so I help others. I suppose it also helps me convince myself that my wife's affair was really not about me being a failed husband or father. The fact is that I was a good husband, a good father, and a good man (and I still am) and she threw it away. Stupid. As for me, I will keep trying to do the right thing every day and I can be proud of what I am doing and who I am. Selfish really.

 

Anyway, thanks for the boost today. It was unexpected and much appreciated.

[Spark1111]

I don't know how much info you got regarding your H's affair.

 

That is KEY, and it has to ring true!

 

I threatened to call her to confirm the details months later, when I was very assured there was no more contact. While that frightened him, he never grew defensive or told me not to, if that is what I needed to do.

 

That response said it all for me: It was over and he had told me everything I already knew, unlike BH and aussie mom, who sweetly, was convinced it was a one time thing and we all thought , no, that is too progressed to have been a one-time drunken oops.

 

There are things he will never remember because it was so selfishly unimportant to the way she made him feel; like a big hero. And I kept hearing the same old worn script lines he told himself....delusional really...and we dissected them one by one.

 

Reality is completely unimportant to the APS, only to the BS who need to know it all. Some of it will NEVER be knowable to us, because it wasn't part of the affair equation.

 

Tough to trust again, but trust yourself first and foremost.

[ComingInHot]

Spark:

Than You. I think I know enough as OW not only "outed" him ten months after it ended but then proceeded to find me out and continuously "volunteer" information. Some true, some questionable, some NOT true.

Husband didn't cover ANYTHING up after affair ended as in his eyes it was over & there wasn't anything to hide. I think that because of his "transparency" and the final "go away or else" from him to her, it helps me believe it IS OVER and we are on the right track*

I will proseed w/recovery but w/my eyes open. It's just reading Aussie mum's post and feeling her pain come through really scared me.

 

I've read the lengths some WS's will go to to keep the marriage AND hide their lifestyle, whether that be w/or w/out current OW.

 

I am glad I was tld about the A. I was NOT happy about the continued information I got. I think that it was given out of malice & an angry, hurting heart.

 

It DID however "even" the playing field, if I may term it as a game ( which of course I don't)**