ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 So things have been pretty positive lately. Kind of normal. Having a great time together w/FWH and kids. Great, right? I wake up this morning and everything is fine, then I get that "sick" feeling in my stomach, and my world stops. If FWH is smiling and happy, does that mean he is because of me or is some young hot skinny chick flattering him again?! What was he feeling when he was misleading her to maintain her affection? Is he giving me as much/more than he did her? (This last one stings because during his time w/her he gave her more than I have ever received by way of phone time & flirting. It just is what it is.) I KNOW I need to frisk these feelings and questions ( and I will). But why now, when things seem to be so good?!?!!
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 This is pretty common. Your heart wants to let it go and to feel loved again. But your brain says, WTF are you doing?! You want to protect yourself. Of course you do. This crap hurts. So as soon as things go well and you start to feel safe, it almost always kicks in a fear of not being safe. It even makes you feel that you are what is sabotaging your reconciliation. Don't beat yourself up about it. You're normal. This is what they mean by the damn 2-5 years. Triggers and mind movies will continue to happen. Do your best to try to figure out if they are rational thoughts. What does you gut tell you? I think investigating until you feel safe is a smart thing to do. If you discover something to be worried about, you had good reason and have confirmed that you should trust your gut. If you find nothing, you both win because he has just had an opportunity to rebuild trust and did so. Win-win. Eventually, you will start to know when it is ok to start cutting back on your hypervigilance. This is why I think that you should feel free to discuss the affair and to ask whatever questions you need to ask in order to heal. Your brain is wisely trying to protect you and it won't be ignored for long. Affairs can't be swept under the rug. You can't go around it. You have to go through it. We also sometimes just get comfortable in our misery blanket. One thing that may help is giving yourself appropriate times to entertain those thoughts and/or to discuss the affair and then try to put it away at the other times. Honestly, nothing much worked for me but I think that's because my wife was reluctant to discuss it and my brain knew I didn't have the full truth. It really didn't matter how much I told my brain that 2+2=5. My brain knew that my wife was lying and I eventually found that she was. I hope your reconciliation goes better. 4
96nole Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 So things have been pretty positive lately. Kind of normal. Having a great time together w/FWH and kids. Great, right? I wake up this morning and everything is fine, then I get that "sick" feeling in my stomach, and my world stops. If FWH is smiling and happy, does that mean he is because of me or is some young hot skinny chick flattering him again?! What was he feeling when he was misleading her to maintain her affection? Is he giving me as much/more than he did her? (This last one stings because during his time w/her he gave her more than I have ever received by way of phone time & flirting. It just is what it is.) I KNOW I need to frisk these feelings and questions ( and I will). But why now, when things seem to be so good?!?!! It's the emotional roller coaster. He lied and betrayed your trust. So now you can't trust him. As a result, you're going to question everything. It's normal. Make sure he knows how you're feeling, and make sure he keeps doing everything to make you feel safe. Hopefully you will again trust him in the future, but it's going to take time. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 BetrayedH & ninety six: Thank you. I like the idea of "looking" into his communications and (hopefully) having it turn into a win/win. And I get the specific time setting for Q & A. I sometimes felt like you in that FWH ( of course) does NOT want to revisit his A and talk about it but he reluctantly does. What irritates me most is when I ask him a question ( always ask respectfully& kindly)and he replies w/a repeat question back at me. I know then that he's not up to talking about it. But honestly that really makes me mad. Example, "Are you thinking or doing anything w/someone you shouldn't be? I'm feeling insecure right now". REPLIES, "NO. are you?! I haven't. He knows this...!!! So, then things are humming along then I get the " mind movies" and questions and want to ask him for my own security but am reminded of above example then end up, well here on LS I suppose now* I will use your idea of setting aide a specific time and get his agreement on that time to communicate. I really think this will work**
2sure Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Before our divorce, when we were reconciling , I remember having that feeling. It would be a wonderful day for the two of us, or a perfect moment...and I would trigger because there was always that "tainted" thing hanging. It reminded me that we had had days and moments just as wonderful while he was cheating.
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 BetrayedH & ninety six: Thank you. I like the idea of "looking" into his communications and (hopefully) having it turn into a win/win. And I get the specific time setting for Q & A. I sometimes felt like you in that FWH ( of course) does NOT want to revisit his A and talk about it but he reluctantly does. What irritates me most is when I ask him a question ( always ask respectfully& kindly)and he replies w/a repeat question back at me. I know then that he's not up to talking about it. But honestly that really makes me mad. Example, "Are you thinking or doing anything w/someone you shouldn't be? I'm feeling insecure right now". REPLIES, "NO. are you?! I haven't. He knows this...!!! So, then things are humming along then I get the " mind movies" and questions and want to ask him for my own security but am reminded of above example then end up, well here on LS I suppose now* I will use your idea of setting aide a specific time and get his agreement on that time to communicate. I really think this will work** Screw his defensiveness. You didn't ask to feel this way. I suspect you don't actually want to feel this way. He created this ****ing mess for you and he doesn't get to complain about how you are bleeding on the carpet after he busted your face open. Feel free to show him the door if he doesn't like how your reconciliation is going. People have some nerve. 1
Owl Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Look up the symptoms of PTSD. It's when your mind is free to wander that you start to "go back" into that mode. Talk with your doctor...consider the use of anti-depressants to help treat and cope while you're working through this right now.
96nole Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 What irritates me most is when I ask him a question ( always ask respectfully& kindly)and he replies w/a repeat question back at me. I know then that he's not up to talking about it. But honestly that really makes me mad. Example, "Are you thinking or doing anything w/someone you shouldn't be? I'm feeling insecure right now". REPLIES, "NO. are you?! I haven't. He knows this...!!! This does not sit well with me. Him throwing the question back at you just sets off red flags for me. You go to him, tell him you are feeling insecure, because of him, and he throws the questions back at you instead of trying to make you feel better. At that point, you need to start hitting him with more questions. There is a reason you're feeling insecure (intuition maybe?) and he's not comforting you. 1
underwater2010 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Just wanted to let you know I hear you and are right there with you. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Duck Soup: Thanks for your reply. I am ( have been told) that I'm very beautiful* I excersize, play tennis and am a hard core downhill skier. The deeper, the steeper the Better!! While still remaining feminine. To explain again would be tired. I was( believe it or not) giving credit where due and being honest w/my description of OWhowever bitter... I just don't want these feelings to become counter productive in healing myself and my marriage*
Author ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 ninety sixHole (sorry, stupid tablet won't let me use the numbers*) & betrayed: I hear you loud and clear! I understand that it is difficult for him to discuss what he considers, "the biggest mistake he's ever made". I certainly wouldn't want to either. I have never been one to through it in his face ( just his laptop that one time:laugh:) and I don't bring it up very often. I've heard before that it can do more harm than good between the couple. Sometimes when I have a question, he talks openly, honestly about it and it is really great. It's just the other times when he's kind of a d&$§ about it that turns the knife. He is prideful, selfish, insensitive and narssasitic. He is also protective, loving, generous and (these days) committed to me & our family. I wish he would just be one grouping or the other so I could more easily make make my way. The evil part of me kind of enjoyed your posts... I felt like I had a support crew saying all the things I would for someone else in this situation*
Author ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 Owl: Do you really think that it is that serious?! Here I thought I was doing really well aside from the occasional "gut wrenching" feeling of insecurity that pops up when things are actually going well... Oh man, I thought I was SO much closer to relative sanity than I am. That sucks! ( We can write "sucks" on LS can't we?...
Owl Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 LOL...not calling you or anyone else insane! I've suffered from PTSD twice in my life. Once post-combat, once post my wife's EA. I'm not diagnosing you with it. But the odds are that you're dealing with something similar at least. Nothing wrong with talking with your doctor about your situation and seeing if there's anything he can suggest, is there? Or talking it over with a counselor? Again...don't think that there's "something wrong with you" if it is something similar...it's simply a coping mechanism. And if you feel that it is interfering with your ability to manage with life or enjoy your life...then you need to talk to somebody about dealing with it. 1
waterwoman Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I am in the same place. I am on the same rollercoaster and I have never even liked fairground rides! I am seeing a counsellor on Monday to try and get a hold of myself. Regardless of H, I need to get sane. Today I wrote a letter to the OW - not to be sent - to get my thoughts down on paper. It was calm and measured, told her a few truths which might have hurt but only because they were true, not to hurt her. I also wrote a whole heap of steaming self-pity and rage down in another letter to H - also not to be sent. Feel much better. Good luck x
Cb3657 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I think if my wife was beautiful ( she is to me) and I had cheated, been caught and was in a position of having no leg to stand on, I might be asking her the same questions. I would also feel very insecure, she does not cheat because she does want to,not because she does not have a choice. If I was a proven cheater in this spot it would be like the sword of damaclese hanging over my head. How long before the other shoe drops Please don't interpret this as saying you are doing anything wrong or that what is going on is wrong just saying he might not be as secure as you think, I would not be. 1
drifter777 Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Owl: Do you really think that it is that serious?! Here I thought I was doing really well aside from the occasional "gut wrenching" feeling of insecurity that pops up when things are actually going well... Oh man, I thought I was SO much closer to relative sanity than I am. That sucks! ( We can write "sucks" on LS can't we?... It continues to amaze me how so many BS's don't understand the potential damage they have suffered do to their partners infidelity. This is from the Mayo Clinic: Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal). Symptoms of intrusive memories may include: Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a timeUpsetting dreams about the traumatic eventSymptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include: Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic eventFeeling emotionally numbAvoiding activities you once enjoyedHopelessness about the futureMemory problemsTrouble concentratingDifficulty maintaining close relationshipsSymptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include: Irritability or angerOverwhelming guilt or shameSelf-destructive behavior, such as drinking too muchTrouble sleepingBeing easily startled or frightenedHearing or seeing things that aren't thereI suffer from nearly all of these, and my counselor concluded long ago that I have been suffering from PTSD since the betrayal. Therapy has reduced the intensity of my symptoms. Not all BS's suffer from PTSD. Also from the Mayo Clinic, here are the risk factors that make it more likely that a person will suffer from PTSD. People of all ages can have post-traumatic stress disorder. However, some factors may make you more likely to develop PTSD after a traumatic event, including: Being femaleExperiencing intense or long-lasting traumaHaving experienced other trauma earlier in lifeHaving other mental health problems, such as anxiety or depressionLacking a good support system of family and friendsHaving first-degree relatives with mental health problems, including PTSDHaving first-degree relatives with depressionHaving been abused or neglected as a child Those BS's that read this will know immediately if they are suffering from PTSD. I hope that those BS's will seek counseling to treat this potentially fatal condition. 2
Owl Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Thanks for that info, Drifter. And in truth...I didn't recognize that I was suffering from PTSD the first time I went through it. It took a few months to start, and then a few more months to intensify to a point where I realized I really had a problem that needed to be dealt with. Having been through it before, I was much more able to see the symptoms again the second time around, and immediately got the assistance I needed to cope with it.
Author ComingInHot Posted September 21, 2012 Author Posted September 21, 2012 CB & Drifter: Holy Cow! What great posts. I think I understand a little better how FWH is looking at things. He has always said how beautiful I am & leans toward being the jealous type. I don't believe in having relationships w/the opposite sex unless we are related. I have decided this long ago as I know myself well enough to say that I am not above temptation. So I flee from it ( except the occasional piece of chocolate*). Man, the PTSD really unerved me. I consider myself to be an optomistic, happy person, but I DO relate to a-lot of the symptoms listed. I will be talking to my doc about this Very soon. I just loathe the thought of letting him in on this dirty little secret, ya know? WaterW: It's a bit$% isn't it?! Having hurt & anger and wanting to be able to "spread the love" back ten-fold upon the people who took part in causing that pain, then knowing a. OW. May not care or better retaliate when in reality you just want her out of your life & b. It will do more damage than god toward reconciliation should you decide to try. I'm glad though to know there are people here who really, REALLY get it**
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 It continues to amaze me how so many BS's don't understand the potential damage they have suffered do to their partners infidelity. This is from the Mayo Clinic: Post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms are generally grouped into three types: intrusive memories, avoidance and numbing, and increased anxiety or emotional arousal (hyperarousal). Symptoms of intrusive memories may include: Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a timeUpsetting dreams about the traumatic eventSymptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include: Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic eventFeeling emotionally numbAvoiding activities you once enjoyedHopelessness about the futureMemory problemsTrouble concentratingDifficulty maintaining close relationshipsSymptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include: Irritability or angerOverwhelming guilt or shameSelf-destructive behavior, such as drinking too muchTrouble sleepingBeing easily startled or frightenedHearing or seeing things that aren't thereI suffer from nearly all of these, and my counselor concluded long ago that I have been suffering from PTSD since the betrayal. Therapy has reduced the intensity of my symptoms. Wow o_O thanks for posting that. I definitely have a lot of those. I think it's kinda funny with the saying, "There is nothing wrong you". What? I have a gaping bleeding hole in me and signs of PTSD! My sister tells me to hold off dating to save others from my temporary insanity (She divorced a couple years ago as well) Is what happened because of some fault of mine? No, but I'm definitely not ok and there is definitely something wrong with me. We need time to heal and process, to find our balance again. OP, might as well face it. You're nuts! haha! snort...and so am I! But it's ok, it's not your fault. Give it time. You'll find peace again one way or another. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 21, 2012 Posted September 21, 2012 I had two therapists and our MC pronounce that I had PTSD. Lovely. It kinda have my wife a free pass since I was crazy and all. I wouldn't remotely say I am past it. Kinda frustrating. Don't really care for PTSD to be honest. It sucks. Antidepressants didn't do much. Might have made some of the lows a little less low but they seem to be effective for some people. Not saying you have it but just that Owl's comments are reasonable to consider because it's more common than one might think with infidelity. 1
whichwayisup Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 You need to tell him that you're going to have bouts of mistrust and have mini freaks out. It's his job to make you feel more secure and loved..Not put you on the defensive and piss you off/hurt you by saying "Are you?" when you ask if he plans on cheating on you again. Talking is good and yes, he is uncomfortable to open up and own his mistakes..I mean say it more than once. DId you two ever do marriage counselling? it could help teach you both how to talk, communicate and listen to one another. Not only about his infidelity, but overall, improve communication skills in the marriage. It's not easy when one (cheating spouse) wants to move on past the infidelity and wants their betrayed spouse to just get over it and not bring it up ever again. Is he truly/was he truly remorseful for cheating on you? he shouldn't be acting like such a d(ckhead..HE created this mess and he can help make it better or worse. So far he's not doing a good enough job of making you feel secure.
seren Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I too remember this feeling, I think it's the head guarding the heart too. It is like head putting the brakes on and saying, woah, hang on a minute, don't get too happy, remember what had happened, remember when you thought it was happy and then found out it wasn't really so. As for the back atcha comment, that is insensitive and doesn't show that he really gets what you are feeling. I think that is him defending himself, possibly against his own feelings of disgust, maybe. It sounds like you need to talk this through, he has to understand how you are feeling. No one is ever prepared for how an A makes a person feel, people think it should be one way, but if they are a BS, they realise it really isn't that simple. MC may help, I didn't go to MC, but we did talk the backside off it, gloves off and had it all out. When the I am happy but woah moments happened, we talked. This is far more common that many think.
Author ComingInHot Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I just got to read these posts as I decided that sleep was a good medicine from me that I've been lacking. CRAZY UPDATE TIME: So my FWH just surprised me w/joining a weekend workshop for recovering couples! What the?!?! I don't even know! He point blank old me he would NEVER do counceling and now he signs us up for this intense two weekend thing?! He said that things were going really good then it hit him, " what does it mean if things are going so well?" HAHAHA!!! He was feeling the same way as me*** Please wish us well. I've heard these things are pretty intense. Which way: I am going to address his backa$$ comments during this time. Thank you SO much all of you for everything!!! K. I've gotta go get ready!!!**
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2012 Posted September 22, 2012 I just got to read these posts as I decided that sleep was a good medicine from me that I've been lacking. CRAZY UPDATE TIME: So my FWH just surprised me w/joining a weekend workshop for recovering couples! What the?!?! I don't even know! He point blank old me he would NEVER do counceling and now he signs us up for this intense two weekend thing?! He said that things were going really good then it hit him, " what does it mean if things are going so well?" HAHAHA!!! He was feeling the same way as me*** Please wish us well. I've heard these things are pretty intense. Which way: I am going to address his backa$$ comments during this time. Thank you SO much all of you for everything!!! K. I've gotta go get ready!!!** This is super-duper positive. I would have killed to have my ex take such a proactive step. Good sign and I'm very happy for you.
Author ComingInHot Posted September 22, 2012 Author Posted September 22, 2012 I Am EXHAUSTED!! seriously, I never thought healing could be so painfully, beautiful!! The things that were said, talked about, the tears the absolute understanding and the bare-naked, no holds barred souls coming forward in the most open way!! I NEVER expected what was going on in my husband's head & heart, not before, during or after the affair. I have always been told that men are simple creatures. All they need is something to hunt something to provide for and something to keep them warm. I couldn't have been more wrong ( in my husband's case) He is easily more complicated than me. Every "excersize" we did proved this again and again. Okay, so basically, in our relationship, I am NOT the " high maintenance" one. He is. I don't need the shoes or clothes or jewelry ( don't get me wrong, I DO like things that sparkle) or high tech toys/appliances. I NEED someone to be Nice to me and to affirm me. Husband NEEDS admiration, things that show he works hard and ATTENTION constantly. At this point, he feels ashamed and scared to death that his a has opened the door for me to have one and he knows that if I allow someone to be Nice to me, I could give my heart away. ( seriously I don't se anyone wanting my messed up mangled heart right now but that's beside the point) He was afraid that by telling me all of this he would think I would look at him as week. He was completely taken aback when I explained that I have never seen him as more of a man than right now. There's SO MUCH MORE but it's kind of private and special and I'd like to keep it just between the two of us. Next Saturday we do it again, and my husband said he can't wait to go!!!
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