about2cross Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Been living in a good rl with current bf for 4 years. Exbf has popped back into the picture and I cannot picture myself living the rest of my life without him without giving it another shot to see if it can work. Question is,,,,, should I tell current bf this? He knows I am not happy with our intimacy level and that I want more flirting & teasing in our rl... But, even if he does start doing those things, my mind is always going to go back to the ex........ Advice? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 where do you want to be in five years time? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Been living in a good rl with current bf for 4 years. That's one heck of a rebound.... Exbf has popped back into the picture and I cannot picture myself living the rest of my life without him without giving it another shot to see if it can work. And how does the ex feel about this? Does he know? is this his suggestion? Is that why he's 'popped back into the picture'....? Question is,,,,, should I tell current bf this? He knows I am not happy with our intimacy level and that I want more flirting & teasing in our rl... But, even if he does start doing those things, my mind is always going to go back to the ex........ It's very simple. A problem of any kind gets magnified to critical proportion, when another focus of interest comes into the picture. What might have been an issue which you and your current BF might have resolved to your mutual satisfaction, over time, has become unworkable, because you know you have a back-up plan, now. Granted, an intimacy issue can be a deal-breaker, but there's no deal to speak of, now that ex- has emerged out of the woodwork.... You never got over your ex. The courageous, noble and right thing to do would be to break it off with your current BF. Do not "go on a break" - particularly as there might be a very good chance you will not be back. Test the waters with the ex - see where he stands. Then go from there..... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Been living in a good rl with current bf for 4 years. Exbf has popped back into the picture and I cannot picture myself living the rest of my life without him without giving it another shot to see if it can work. Question is,,,,, should I tell current bf this? He knows I am not happy with our intimacy level and that I want more flirting & teasing in our rl... But, even if he does start doing those things, my mind is always going to go back to the ex........ Advice? How about some history on the ex? On another note, the intimacy level is irrelevant at this point since even if he stepped it up, you're still wanting the ex. I question throwing a 4 year relationship that is a good one for a pop-up ex. So yes, history on the ex please. Link to post Share on other sites
Liz2012 Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Hmmm, are you really sure it's the exbf that you're attracted to or the attention, after 4 years that relationship really is GONE and I think maybe it's worth taking a bit of time to think if you're just looking for a quick fix. If you're in a good RL, make it work, take the time to fix that. It's worth hanging on to a good bf. Link to post Share on other sites
tpandrews Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Never thought I'd take a life lesson from a Bieber song but, "The grass isn't always greener on the other side, it's green where you water it" Quite deep for a manufactured pop song but I think it has a great meaning. I think you need to take a step back and remember why the last RL ended. It's very easy to enjoy the attention in the short term but will it last? If your current bf finds out either from you or someone else then your RL is effectively finished. Even if he decides to stay with you the intimacy levels are going to lower even further because his ego will be completely flattened. However you try to spin it, us males thrive on our ego, if it's not there everything falls apart. Before you're honest with your bf, be honest with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 The length of a relationship is no reason to stay in it if you are truly unable to fix it. That said, what have you tried to address the issues with your current relationship? Have you considered some sort of couples therapy? Is the relationship you have now worth fighting for, or is it just played out? As someone else asked, where do you see yourself in five years? Which of these men will help you get there? You know both of them well enough by now to make an informed decision. A lucky position to be in since usually we all just blindly pick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author about2cross Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 Wow, u guys are awesome for responding back and giving me lots of food for thought. The ex. Lots of passion and chemistry... And misunderstandings. He was pretty jealous back then also. I've been fantasizing being with him for years, when I'm "alone" he is the material, not my bf. ex feels the same - says I'm the best he ever had, he'll always feel this way etc..... I know he will never be 100% emotionally available to me like the current bf is. Comparing them is difficult bc they are so different. The ex I never know what he is going to say or do and lord knows I know he is going to let me down with things - its his nature. The current bf is solid and steady, plays video games, we go out and do things together and we are best friends but, I think I'm bored out of my mind. I know he is such a nice guy but he isn't driven by sex, his drive is waaaay lower than mine and he is much more prudish than I am. We never get 'lost' in each other, and, me and the ex get very lost in each other. My mind Is really tipped to tell current bf I have these unresolved feelings for the ex. Then I'll be able to exit the rl and see if me and the ex can make a go of it. The ex isn't a sure fire thing, it may just be a month or two of great sex and maybe the same old problems will still be there but, he is not out of my system, that's for certain. It's a gamble, I know. We had a long talk last wknd where I said we are going to break up if things don't change so he knows I'm serious. And he is hurt too, thought we were forever, etc. I told Him its not just the sex, I want to flirt, tease, build sexual tension. - I think I am trying to get him to behave like m ex so I can have the best of both worlds..... But, he has already stated that he can't be who he isn't and can't act like I want him too. As far as contact with the ex over the years? The last I saw him was right b4 i got together withicurrent bf and we would just wish Each other happy bdays and holidays over the years. 3 weeks ago I sent him a smiley face text and it turned into this full blown sexting, we were going to meet up but when i Told him I am still in rl he backed off. After a few days I aplogized to him, stating I'm not a cheater and don't wanna be. That is when he said he'll always be there and always feel this way about me. What a mess. My family will be so disappointed to see bf not in my life anymore...they all love him so. The WHAT IF factor is killing me. I know ex is single now and I feel like this could be it, roll the dice, throw away the safe comfortable secure love I have today for passion, desire and hot hot sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 I know ex is single now and I feel like this could be it, roll the dice, throw away the safe comfortable secure love I have today for passion, desire and hot hot sex. Have you ever watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and then read about the real life story behind it? From 1963 to 2000 or 2001 John Nash and Alicia De Larde were divorced. Alicia almost married someone else. They left that out of the movie. In the end she ended up living with, and then remarrying Nash. Sometimes a long..LONG break can be part of the arc of a love story. My own parents were separated from late 1995 to the year 2000. They each dated other people and lived 2000 miles apart. They have been married for a total of 32 years now. Life is not a story book. While we cannot hold on to forlorn hopes, we also should not ever write anyone off. As John Nash put it in an interview. "How can you write the biography of someone who is still alive? It ain't over till it's over." Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Been living in a good rl with current bf for 4 years. Exbf has popped back into the picture and I cannot picture myself living the rest of my life without him without giving it another shot to see if it can work. Question is,,,,, should I tell current bf this? He knows I am not happy with our intimacy level and that I want more flirting & teasing in our rl... But, even if he does start doing those things, my mind is always going to go back to the ex........ Advice? Let your guy go. You can't be there for him 100%. And keeping things from him is bad too. Cut him loose and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
salem mark Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Let your guy go. You can't be there for him 100%. And keeping things from him is bad too. Cut him loose and go from there. agree with gulf delta Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 So, OP... just what do you intend to do........? Link to post Share on other sites
Author about2cross Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 I think tomorrow I am going to tell him that I have unresolved feelings for my ex. And, that I am going to have to act on that. It is going to suck to tell him this but I don't think I have a choice. I am thinking about the ex all the time and very much looking forward to see if we can get to know each other again and see if we can make it work. Any advice or coaching you have for me before have this awful conversation tmrw? Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 23, 2012 Share Posted September 23, 2012 Your first communication to the ex off the blocks is sexting? If that's enough for you to feel that it is of substance, worth the risk, hoping "it" will work, then I hope it does for you. It's unfortunate that your current relationship, while you feel it's boring has the meat and bones to stay strong in the long run. Too bad intimacy is off as I can understand that putting a wedge in any relationship. It's the right thing to do if he doesn't fulfill you and you're unhappy. I'm not sure if going back to your ex is the right thing to do. Be careful you're not craving the attention too much from what you've lacked for so long that you jump into a situation blindly. No advice in how you convey the truth to you bf. Just be honest. One thing, if things fizzle with your ex as we all know the novelty of hot sex at some point becomes unfulfilling when you have nothing else of significance that can carry a relationship and when you want more, please don't go back to your bf. Hope it goes well for you tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author about2cross Posted September 23, 2012 Author Share Posted September 23, 2012 I broke up with bf earlier. He thinks I'm crazy to throw away our rl for "movie sex" I am so thankful that I did not cheat on him. We had a very open and honest conversation and I told him everything. Including that I may be making a mistake by ending this rl but you only live once and I cannot always wonder 'what if'. He says I am a 'thrill seeker' and cannot believe I am going to end this 4 yr rl over this. I know he is upset and sad. He went out to get some air. I just feel like I need to stay true to myself and take a gamble on passion and desire. He asked me if I am going to call my ex tmrw. I said no, I want to take time to breathe and be alone. So very thankful I didn't cheat. Todays conversation would have been much worse if I had cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I broke up with bf earlier. He thinks I'm crazy to throw away our rl for "movie sex" I am so thankful that I did not cheat on him. We had a very open and honest conversation and I told him everything. Including that I may be making a mistake by ending this rl but you only live once and I cannot always wonder 'what if'. He says I am a 'thrill seeker' and cannot believe I am going to end this 4 yr rl over this. I know he is upset and sad. He went out to get some air. I just feel like I need to stay true to myself and take a gamble on passion and desire. He asked me if I am going to call my ex tmrw. I said no, I want to take time to breathe and be alone. So very thankful I didn't cheat. Todays conversation would have been much worse if I had cheated. You have probably done the right thing. Weather or not it works out with your ex ex, this last BF wasn't meeting your needs. I mean what are you supposed to do, cling to a man just to cling to him? Marry someone you don't like and spend years miserable because "your supposed to?" Many people have wasted decades doing that. I hope you and your ex ex can make it work out, keep the passion and yet have a relationship with "meat and bones." Link to post Share on other sites
msfreebyme Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 Heres is my best advice There is always a reason why you leave your ex in the past and my feelings are that they should stay in the past. If you feel this ex could be "the one" then give it a chance I suppose. But I hope for your sake that you will not be throwing away "the one" and maybe you can't see it. I don't know your life but it seems like you have a good guy too. I wouldn't want him or me to suffer if I had to go through those unresolved issues. From what it seems like is the guy you are with is a guy who is ready to settle down and you just aren't ready to choose yet. So maybe go out and choose....if it's meant to be with your ex then great. If your paths go back to the guy you're with someday and you're ready to settle down with him also great. Either way no regrets. Best of luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 your latest ex is right about u being thrill seeker,your westerners values are really alien to me,among 10 people who i know,who seeks thrill,most end up losing both guyz and end up alone,angry and regret,but atleast u did not cheat and thats something good..Good luck to u though ul need it TD Link to post Share on other sites
Gulf-Delta Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 your latest ex is right about u being thrill seeker,your westerners values are really alien to me,among 10 people who i know,who seeks thrill,most end up losing both guyz and end up alone,angry and regret,but atleast u did not cheat and thats something good..Good luck to u though ul need it TD Yeah, kinda seems like she's leaving purely for passion and sex instead of for love, trust, etc. It's your own choice but...impulsivity isn't the best thing when you're making big decisions. Remember, there was a reason you broke up with your (former) ex.. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 Yeah, kinda seems like she's leaving purely for passion and sex instead of for love, trust, etc. It's your own choice but...impulsivity isn't the best thing when you're making big decisions. Remember, there was a reason you broke up with your (former) ex.. Actually its laziness. She kneew her bf didnt give her what she wanted, but she didnt go looking for someone else. Instead, 4 years later, she decides to go for the one that dies the ideas she likes, instead of finding someone new. It will never work out with her ex, she needs someone new that does what she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 it doesnt matter what we say,in her own mind she already made up her mind to go back to her ex ex b4 even asking us advice,i believe shes gona regret it in within weeks or months down the road,OP lacks maturity shes the type girl that goes to the douchebag and bad boy type guys,shes gona have to learn her lesson the hard way TD Link to post Share on other sites
Author about2cross Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 I realized what the biggest problem was here...... I fell out of love with him. And, I think it happened at least 2 years go. The ex brought back all those feelings of lust/desire etc, but, he is just the catalyst in all this... That little beacon of light showing me whats missing. If I was really truly still in love with him, there would be no way possible for me to cause him this much pain and not be devatasted myself. We talked more later that same night and it was the most awful breakup ever- I feel horrible for hurting him so bad and I am always going to have to live with this karma I have now created. He is in full NC and doing very well with it - and before anyone lashes out at me- I am not going to break the NC- I just want him to heal and move forward and not hurt him anymore than I already have. I am hesitant to bring this up here on this board cause i dont want to get berated- but u guys are the experts here- I don't know when he is going to officially move out and take all his stuff (dressers, kitchen table etc). There is a lot of stuff here. Would it be helpful or hurtful if, over the weekend, I started putting some of his things aside/in boxes? I am thinking like the dishes and cutlery- nothing too personal. Is that part of his healing process- packing it all up? And, when the day comes, yes, I will make myself not be at home when he comes to get all his things. Link to post Share on other sites
Tiera D Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 OP people dont "fell out of love" its a excuse blaming circumstances rather than face the truth that you simply never did love that person. True love everyone only experience once,that feeling where you would trade your life for another person,anything below is just hormones and animalistic attraction that worns out as time passes Secondly your ex ex return simply serves as a diversion or an option to leave your currently boring relationship and jump into something "new" ..Im sorry for being harsh but girls like you at this point should go for fwb rather than a true relationship because as far as i see you have not reach the rational maturity level that a relationship requires but still strongly base your judgement and decisions on the basic emotional needs like lust/excitement/etc Im not trying to insult you or anything but i hope you could view your situation from another point view P.S Animalistic attraction = short lived lust and desire like you mentioned TD Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted September 25, 2012 Share Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) I realized what the biggest problem was here...... I fell out of love with him. And, I think it happened at least 2 years go. The ex brought back all those feelings of lust/desire etc, but, he is just the catalyst in all this... That little beacon of light showing me whats missing. If I was really truly still in love with him, there would be no way possible for me to cause him this much pain and not be devatasted myself. We talked more later that same night and it was the most awful breakup ever- I feel horrible for hurting him so bad and I am always going to have to live with this karma I have now created. He is in full NC and doing very well with it - and before anyone lashes out at me- I am not going to break the NC- I just want him to heal and move forward and not hurt him anymore than I already have. I am hesitant to bring this up here on this board cause i dont want to get berated- but u guys are the experts here- I don't know when he is going to officially move out and take all his stuff (dressers, kitchen table etc). There is a lot of stuff here. Would it be helpful or hurtful if, over the weekend, I started putting some of his things aside/in boxes? I am thinking like the dishes and cutlery- nothing too personal. Is that part of his healing process- packing it all up? And, when the day comes, yes, I will make myself not be at home when he comes to get all his things. I think what's disturbing about this is that you chose to stay with him for an additional 2 years, when you lost feelings for him. I do find that hard to believe seeing how you only realize it now. At some point during that time, you would have known. Two years is a long time to not at least be able to figure out you don't love someone anymore. Essentially, you dragged him on because you couldn't find another branch to grab onto. The right thing to do would have been to let him go. Now that you have someone else to lean on, you've now decided it's the right time for YOU to leave him. This is why there is question as to your maturity and your ability to make right choices for yourself. So much wrong with how you chose to do this because you never took into account the welfare of your boyfriend when you made him believe that in that span of two years, you were a partner that was "present" emotionally and mentally in the relationship. As for his things, I would let him decide what he needs to do. He's hurting and the last thing he'd want to see are his things boxed up by you. It almost would send a message that you can't wait for him to get out. If he contacts you, let him decide how he wants to do it or ask him when you talk to him as to how you can support him with the move. It's best to treat this with care, as fragile as it is. Edited September 25, 2012 by geegirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author about2cross Posted September 25, 2012 Author Share Posted September 25, 2012 <<<<<<I think what's disturbing about this is that you chose to stay with him for an additional 2 years, when you lost feelings for him. I do find that hard to believe seeing how you only realize it now. At some point during that time, you would have known. Two years is a long time to not at least be able to figure out you don't love someone anymore. >>>>>> I didn't lose feelings for him, I love him, I still do. What I'm saying is along the way, I must have fallen out of love with him. I will leave the house 'as is' and give him whatever space he needs. Link to post Share on other sites
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